Tagged with shivnarine chanderpaul …

Apr 26 2012
8 Comments
windies

a movie about a crab

I’m a long way from finishing my first film.

But I think I’ve got my second one all set.

The good news is that it’s not going to take long to edit.  The bad news is that it will take a long time to watch.

The film is a complete unedited split screen (from the side and straight on) of Shivnarine Chanderpaul recounting every Test run he has scored.

There will be no sound track, animation or montages, just Shiv’s face close to yours as he takes you through every single run.

Bam.

According to the far more stylish than Shiv, Ceci Masters, the poster would look like this.

Shiv has always been a weird one for me.

Partly because I automatically want to spell his name Chandrepaul, then I’d get confused as to whether it was re or er.  Then I started calling him Shiv.

I’ve never really warmed to Shiv.

Shiv wears tape on his face, the cramping, or the fact he hasn’t moved himself up the order despite the West Indies top four often consisting of 3 rubber chickens and a groundsman who brought whites to the ground.

I admire him, because he has made 10,000 Test runs, and that’s no trip to Cleveland.

It doesn’t mean I have to like him.

The tension between us could even make this film better.

“So Shiv, tell us about the gritty 2057th run you took at the Basin”

“I’ve got 10,ooo Test runs you passive aggressive Stinkey Beetie, but I remember that one well. Nathan Astle was bowling around the wicket, and he got it a bit too straight, not straight strait, but leg straight, and I closed the face and turned it for one, Phil Simmons wanted two, but there was only one and it was the last ball of the over”.

Credits.

Tagged ,
Apr 22 2010
5 Comments
county cricket

of crabs and men

I know Indian fans have been waiting a while for me to say this, but County Cricket is a cruel tyrant here to ruin the game of cricket.

How? Oh, I’ll tell you, but robbing us of arguably the ugliest spectacle of all time, but also giving just a taste of what could have been.

It all started when Lancashire’s latest gun recruit, the one the only King Kumar, had to pull out of their season due to other commitments. Knowing that there is no one human being who can replace Kumar’s cool easy elegance with bat, Lancs replaced him with two men.

Now that County Cricket only allows 1 international player (and 9 kolpaks) at any one time, the two replacement players were hired to fill in at different times in the season.

The players are, Simon the Krab Katich and Shivnarine the Chrab Chanderpaul.

On their own these are two men who scuttle and accumulate as good as any, but together, they could create a new super breed of cricketers.

Batsmen who play with such ugly and unconventional techniques that bowling them out would be more luck than design.  Ugliness would be the new black.

Watching them together would revolutionize English cricket, batsmen would no longer be taught to play according to the Lord’s play book.  They would be taught using the new crablike demeanors.

Young children would be given black tape for under their eyes before each innings.  Three balls in they would be encouraged to dive into the crease and not wipe the dirt off.  They would start to face square leg when the bowler came in.  The inside edge squirt to back ward sqaure leg would become the scoring shot of choice.  And all English batsmen would show the bowler leg stump as they scuttled across the crease to protect the corridor.

Shiv and Katich would inspire more young English players than Freddie, Ramps and Mushtaq combined.  Their tandem crabbing could move England to number one in the world test rankings.  Australia, India and South Africa would start sending cricketers to England just to study this new crabbing technioque that was under their eyes for years while they were watching Mark Waugh and VVS Laxman.

But County Cricket is denying their country this technology by not teaming up this super ugly team.  Instead Shiv shall Chrab a bit, then Kat will Krab a bit, and young English children will never know that right in front of their eyes was a technique that could have made them a future English Cricketer.  Because as well all know, one cricketer scuttling around the crease is not going to start any revolution.

Thanks, County Cricket, way to ruin these potential future crabs’ dreams.

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Mar 29 2009
poms, windies

KP takes on the Chrab

Somehow I missed this when it was first talked about, but KP bagged Shiv for “playing for himself”.

Not with himself.

On that subject KP said, “we all do it, it’s natural, and look how good my eyesight is”.

Chris Gayle has come out and backed his Shiv.

But how many of us haven’t thought the same thing?

When Chris Gayle and Ramneresh Sarwan were injured in South Africa,  Dwayne Bravo took over as captain.

How many complete fucken shit cunts have batted at 4, and sometimes 3, while Shiv sits on his throne at 5?

Would other batsmen retire in a first class innings so they can go and get an award?

And have you seen him bat with the tail, I am sure I am not the only one who thinks he cares more about red ink than getting the most out of them.

Plus he puts tape on his face, and that is stupid.

We all respect Shiv as a batsmen, the man is harder to get out than an Alabama tick.

But he doesn’t look like a team player.

In one of the tests against England, he couldn’t field because he was injured, well he could field, for short spells, but he couldn’t really move much, then he came out to bat, and didn’t use a runner.

I’m all for pointing at KP and laughing, but as good as Shiv is, and he is good, there is no doubt that there have been far more selfless players international cricket.

That said he has had to carry this useless mob for a few years now, it’s bound to eat at you until you think, “fuck em, I’m here for me and mine”.

For instance if i’d been carrying the team for years, and a tailender asked me how to bat, I’d tell him, “I don’t know idiot, just bat and bat and bat.”

Talking of KP, after he called Shiv selfish, why didn’t the journalist ask him if he was planning on moving up the order to 3 any time soon?

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Dec 21 2008
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How to get Shiv out

Many things have been tried.

Sledging.

Wide half volleys.

Bouncers.

Legspin.

Almost everything.

Jeetan Patel has trumped them all.

He just bowled a waste high full toss first ball, and took a simple return catch.

Really should have been tried earlier.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Dec 19 2008
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You can take out the trash, but you can’t take out the Shiv

New Zealand really can’t afford to lose just now.

West Indies are still improving, and another lost series wont be the end of the world.

For the Kiwis it is the end of the world.

They might as well just give it all in and start again.

Because something is wrong if they lose to this team.

Shiv will make runs, because Shiv makes runs, but very rarely does this mean the Windies win the test.

But New Zealand on paper is the better test team.

And losing at home might be the final straw.

So they need to get the 4 wickets quick, and then make 400 runs.

There is already no one at the New Zealand tests, if they lose to the worst real test team, who will turn up then.

What is less than zero?

A first class crowd perhaps.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Dec 19 2008
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The bargain basement Shiv

Sewnarine Chattergoon
Shivnarine Chanderpaul

See what I am saying there.

No middle names

Both from Guyana

Neither can find gear that fits them

But there is one key difference.

One is freakishly talented, and the other has goon in his name.

You could say that the other difference is Shiv gets all his power from his black facial sticky tape.

I will say this though, if you ever need a Shiv lookalike for your kid’s party, grab the goon, put some tape on on his face, and you’re done.

Ofcourse you can’t let him bat, because not only does he have a more normal stance, but he is also pretty crap.

13 off 72 balls against the kiwis.

Shiv might take forever some times, but he would make more than 13 whilst doing it.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Dec 14 2008
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Shiv makes a hundred by proxy

I remember the first time I saw the score card in which Agit Agarkar made a test hundred at lords.

I started off the standard what the fuck type noise.

But then I thought, well he often goes out early but it’s not as if he can’t bat, he’s just a bit of an idiot.

And now he has a hundred at lords, well done.

Now Jerome Taylor has a test century.

Weird.

Jerome’s top score before this was 31, perfect preparation for a test century.

31 in 33 innings after 20 tests, and then bang, a hundred.

At a run a ball as well.

No fucking around there.

But as usual, captain marvellous, aka lord mega chief of gold, aka Shivnarine Chanderpaul, saved the day, he gave Taylor some advice.

He said “bat and bat and bat”.

What better advice could you give a man with no half century in first class cricket.

That is the problem with most batsmen ofcourse, they bat and bat and then go out, if they could just bat and bat, and bat, they would make more centuries.

That is the thing about shiv, even when he doesn’t hundreds, he makes hundreds.

How many other batsman can boast that, not many.

This advice is gold though.

Ask Jerome, he was asked to do it once, and he made a hundred.

You should try it.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Dec 04 2008
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cricket myths #74

The Lord Megachief of Gold’s (aka Shivnarine Chanderpaul) technique is the weirdest thing this side of a Lynch film.

His technique is really not that weird.

He stance is.

By the time the ball is bowled he is usually in the standard side on position waiting for the ball.

It’s not a pretty technique, but it is pretty standard really.

People just have trouble looking past the eye make up, the general scruffiness and the fact all his equipment looks too big for him.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 15 2008
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If I was Shivnarine Chanderpaul

Firstly I would take that stupid black tape off my face.

Then I would retire from International Cricket.

I figure I have like 5 years of County cricket left in me, 2 or 3 of IPL, maybe 2 or 3 of ICL after that.

But I can’t do it if my back is broken.

And I have been carrying this fucking useless excuse for a team for so long now I can hardly fucken walk.

Every fucken time I walk out in the maroons, or my whites with my maroon hat, I have to pick up 10 men, and carry them around for a day, and sometimes 5.

This really ruins the vertebrae.

Today was the perfect situation, we bowled Pakistan out for 230.

I should have had a small role to play, maybe a 30 odd at the end, just a nice little average pumper.

Instead I end making more than half the runs, sure I really boosted the average, but I am sick of this.

I want to play in a team.

When I played for Durham this year, they had other batsmen, and we won.

I liked that.

I would like to do that again, but when I wear Maroons it doesn’t happen.

Instead I have to do everything.

I get to the ground early, I cut the oranges, I roll the joints, I go back to the hotel, make the days lunches, I drive the players bus (bloody Dhoni stole that from me) back to the ground, I sit on Stanford’s lap, I rub sunscreen on Brendan Nash’s pasty white ass, and it’s still not enough.

So this is my retirement.

You useless fuckers can go on without me.

If you get a real team call me, I’ll playing with a winning team in Durham or a real test team in Bangalore.

Thanks for the millions.

Signed

Lord Mega Chief of Gold (Shiv)

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Aug 20 2008
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lord megachief inspires seppuku

Yesterday I watched the Nottingham Outlaws take on the Durham Dynamos (apparently they get out stains in cold water).

Was a hell of a game, mostly because neither team could decided who wanted to win less.

Plus there was two great run outs involving batsman hitting the ball back to the ball back to bowlers and running.

But the real story was Lord Megachief of Gold (aka Shivnarine Chanderpaul) yet again propping up a lemming XI batting line up.

When he went out he was statistically half the team, although in essence he was Durham, and Durham, was Shiv.

Deep.

If I were Shiv, first I’d take those stupid fucking things off my face, then I’d be pretty pissed off that every side I play for needs me to pick them up and carry them.

But once I had iced down my shoulders for the millionth time, I would think, wait a minute, is it me?

Do I bring the horror?

Am I like a cricket version of Wes Craven’s Neve Campbell?

How come every battling line up I am in falls apart?

West Indies, Bangalore, Durham are all made of Sugar.

The answer Shiv is looking for is yes, it is all his fault.

By being impossible to get out without a chainsaw, he has lulled all of his team mates into a suicidal type psychosis.

They cannot stay at the crease when he is there, they do not want to steal his thunder.

They fall on their swords, put the noose on, pull the trigger and breath second hand smoke.

He is like god to them.

Except cooler, a better batsman, and he really exists.

In conclusion, for Shiv to play in cricket sides where the batsmen don’t spontaneously combust in his presence, he needs to bat like a normal batsman, and go out occasionally.

It’s not that hard Shiv, and seriously take that shit off your face.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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