Ofcourse.

Who replaces him?

Shaun Tait.

Some of you might say that is weird, a batting all rounder goes out, and a bowler comes in.

But if this isn’t the best case of like for like ever I don’t know what is.

One troubled case out, one troubled case in.

This is so the Cricket Australia Administracrats have something to do.

Otherwise everything will run so smoothly they will not be required.

And they would never let that happen.

It is up in Townsville, so they don’t really have winter up there.

The squad is full of new names, some of which haven’t even played a full year of shield cricket.

Fair to say it isn’t really an ‘a’ squad, but a development squad.

There is no Hodge, Symonds, Harris, Nannes, Noffke, McGain, or Magoffin in it.

In the squad are some odd and surprising selections.

Ryan Broad: Whose career average of 35 in first class cricket doesn’t really turn me on.

Jon Holland: Victoria’s replacement for the injured and nationally indisposed Bryce McGain, sure he shows promise, but perhaps an ‘a’ gig is too much praise for little actual wickets.

Burt Cockley: Still hardly plays for NSWales, but everyone keeps talking him up.

Moises Henriques: All he needs is a hamstring injury and he is the new Shane Watson.

But my favourite selection has to be Shaun Tait.

Now we know why he was being held back from the IPL, because he had ‘a’ one day games (wasn’t picked for the four day cricket) to play.

Cameron White (Victoria, captain), Adam Voges (WA, vice-captain), George Bailey (Tasmania), Doug Bollinger (NSW), Ryan Broad (Queensland), Burt Cockley (NSW), Callum Ferguson (South Australia), Brett Geeves (Tasmania), Moises Henriques (NSW), Jon Holland (Victoria), Michael Klinger (South Australia), Jason Krejza (Tasmania), Shaun Marsh (WA), Clint McKay (Victoria), Tim Paine (Tasmania), Shaun Tait (South Australia), David Warner (NSW).

But what of the parallel universe, as they prepare for their series, we take a look through the wormhole at the make up of their team.

In that universe they pick squads on Tuesday. Obviously.

M North (captain) – Having cemented his captaincy after Shane Warne’s retirement he fires up the team with sensible slogans and common sense captaincy.

C White (vice captain) – When Cameron is not poisoning North’s meals he is the number 7 Australia has been waiting for since Ian Harvey retired, and his big turning leg breaks are unplayable.

S Katich – This stylish batsman doesn’t make many runs, but when he makes runs, the whole world sighs in orgasmic delight.

M Klinger – Struggling to perform as a Jew, Klinger has had the best run of his life since converting to Satanism.

B Hodge – Although suspected in the deaths of many of Australia’s best young batsmen, Hodge has never been charged, and his form is as good as ever. The selectors love his good nature ribbing.

D Hussey – Inspired by the tragic auto erotic asphyxiation of his brother, David becomes the worlds most dominant stroke maker.

M Cosgrove – Even though Cosgrove’s form is poor, he is selected for the tour on the basis that he gets his weight back up to over 120kgs. Coach Darren Lehmann remains confident he can gain the weight and form.

D Christian – Australia decide to follow the South African example and set a quota of one Aboriginal player in every test. After poor results bringing Jason Gillespie and Ryan Campbell out of retirement, they settle for Dan Christian, and find that he is shit hot.

L Carseldine – Is now technically steel than flesh, but the ICC is slow to move on banning bionic cricketers, and Lee’s metal torso body and titanium legs will be allowed in the ashes.

C Hartley – Is the best keeper in the world, averages 12 with the bat, but everyone knows you take the best keeper regardless of batting quality.

S Tait – Australia finally get the best out of Shaun Tait by employing Rodney Hogg as his full time carer. The two fall in love and get married in the lunacy room.

B McGain – Was humiliated by losing his test spot in South Africa after missing the flight over, but is fired up to star in his first test against England.

M Inness – Even though he had retired, experts realise that Matthew’s first class average was 2fucken5 and pick him for the tour.

D Pattinson – The man the Ashes hopes rely on. His 26 wickets against South Africa in only 3 tests was just about perfect fast bowling.

D Marsh – Some would say that Dan is an odd choice, especially since he is retired, but Chief Selector Rod Marsh said “we needed a hard bastard to toughen these fuckers up”.  Is picked to be the back up keeper/spinner/batsman.

They should do well against Rob Key’s England.

When Cricket Australia said to Shaun Tait that he was banned from playing in the IPL because he was coming back from injury, I thought fair enough.

Obviously they want him for the World 2020 thingy, and they are protecting him.

Then he wasn’t picked, but Brett Lee was coming back from injury, and I thought well it’s harsh, but I ‘spose if Lee doesn’t pull up, Tait will be the man.

Now he has been axed from the 25 contracted players, and I am pissed off.

If they knew he wasn’t going to be in the top 25 Australian players, why were they stopping him playing in the IPL?

They used their last bit of contract to screw this young guy out of making some money in what has been a stop start career.

That’s just mean, man.

I’m not surprised, Andrew Hilditch has turned into a bit of a prickly prick of recent times.

His slagging off of Dirty Dirk Nannes was just uncalled for.

Perhaps he just has a problem with unorthodox proper quick bowlers.

Hilditch has thrown a biscuit on the floor in front of Shaun, “Shaun’s been quite clearly told that he’s very much in the mix for one-day cricket in particular,”.

My main question is this, Is this the best way to handle a man who only last year had to step down from the game for a rest (depression)?

You’d doubt it.

Ofcourse my past with Shaun is no pretty picture, I love the guys bowling, but don’t always agree with anything he has to say.

He is here, then there, and then everywhere.

The Ferris Wheel in his head has sexy pixies on it eating ice cream and throwing darts.

Exactly.

On the 24th of October i wrote this, saying that Taity wanted to play test cricket, after previously stating he did not.

Now he is saying he wants to play one day cricket and is not worried about test cricket.

Dude, slow down, all those U turns are making us dizzy.

We really don’t care what you plan on playing, we will just wait and see what the selectors pick you for, and deal with it from there.

That is generally how it works.

Have you been chatting with Brad Hodge at all?

cricketwithballs

What about the players, though.

How should we rank them.

If only a bunch of them had taken really bad photos and then someone called it a calendar.

You can click on the link.

Or you can take my word for it by looking at this, this, this, i have no fucken ideaa what this is.

But i hope your not eating breakfast/tea/partner now.

I have always thought to myself, i wonder what Shaun Tait’s nipples would look like oiled up.

His whole bosom is radiant.

Its hypnotic.

Um, maybe Shaun Tait.

South Australia will have a full strength side, which for them still isn’t much.

Last year there best player was Ryan Harris, who is in Queensland now.

Gillespie, Blewett, Elliott, and Lehmann are all gone.

So is Nathan Adcock, but thats a good thing.

Hard to see them getting to much better, they went on a huge recruiting drive and all the ended up with was two fringe players from Victoria and a bunch of players barely in the squad in NSWales.

Leadership

Well after the leadership debacle that was Nathan Adcock South Australia have picked the logical option.

Graham Manou isn’t going to be dropped, and last year was probably the best batsman, and second best player behind Harris.

Good leader, but probably not the best captain going around.

Bowling

A full year of Shaun Tait will be handy. Only a handful of state cricketers have ever taken over 70 wickets in a year and he is one.

Guys like Rofe, Wise and Clearly are all just state players, and none of which are match winning bowlers.

The two Cullens, Bailey and Daniel, are still around. Wouldn’t be great if one of them took wickets this year.

Batting

The two imports, Younis Khan and Michel Klinger, will probably be the best two batsman in this side.

They might have issues though, one being a muslim, and one being a jew. Throw in Christian at 5, an aboriginal, and you have the minority middle order.

Mark Cosgrove is the only other batsman who is legit. So he becomes mega important, especially when Khan goes home.

Their top order is so fragile, that they might have to take drastic measures and play Michael Vaughan after Younis Khan pisses off.

As if buying Klinger wasn’t embarrassing enough.

Long in the tooth

If this isn’t Paul Rofe’s last year, South Australia will be shit for at least two more years.

Ready to shed the nappies

No real young players who inspire me with confidence, but I am a big fan of Daniel Christian, a batting all rounder who bowls into the 140’s.

Nostradamus

Shield

5th.

One day

5th.

2020

4th.

The rub

They were rubbish last year, but they will have to improve, wont they?

The Hayden Christensen XI

Myself included.

But before he became a sad ex fast bowler, he was damn hot.

I mean, if you knew Shauny, like I knew Shauny, oh, well, hey what a guy.

Well now you can.

This Video doesn’t show his best work in this match, which was his man handling of Brad Haddin.

30 man squads are a waste of column inches.

So let me waste a few inches.

After years of producing less Australian cricketers the certain grade clubs in Sydney and Melbourne, suddenly Tasmania is a force.

The smiling George Bailey, Brett Geeves and his terrific hair cut, the stutter stepping Xavier Doherty, and the entomologist Tim Paine.

If you count Ricky Ponting (which I don’t) that means 5 of the top 30 one day cricketers in the country are from Tasmania.

Quite an effort.

None of these 4 newcomers are anywhere near playing for Australia, but are all very good cricketers.

Even if they are Tasmanians.

So it got me thinking, if the squad for Pakistan (assuming Australia go) will end up being this, give or take.

Ponting, Clarke, Marsh, Watson, Hussey, Hayden, Symonds, Haddin, Hopes, Lee, Bracken, Clark, Johnson, White, Hussey.

So I thought I would pick a second 15 from those who will probably miss out.

Luke Ronchi, wicket keeper and gun opener. Ask the Windies and the Mumbai Indian net bowlers.

Tim Paine, back up wicket keeper, and excellent opening batsman. Ronchi brings the fire works and he brings the class.

Brad Hodge, occasionally I bag Brad Hodge, but he is the second best number batsman in Australia, which makes him one of the best batsmen in the world.

Adam Voges, Vice Captain, has played for Australia before and in England would be a very fine middle order batsman.

George Bailey, smiles a lot, probably because he knows he can bat well, had an ordinary year, but I predict big things from his selection in my second XI.

Dan Marsh, best Tasmanian captain in Australia, still makes runs, still takes wickets, and still is a fat fucker.

Ashley Noffke, his one day form is generally ordinary, but if he can average 50 with the bat in shield cricket I am happy with him at 7, bowling first change, or whenever wickets are needed.

Ryan Harris, the big fella with shoulders made of granite, needed big shoulders from all his carrying of South Australia,

Brett Geeves, the quickie from Tasmania, not a bad guy to have coming in at 9 either.

Xavier Doherty, I would pick stutter step over Cullen, and Hauritz, a wicket taker who can bowl left arm orthodox at the death, handy to have.

Shaun Tait, from memory, before his “exhaustion” took a few wickets in a world cup.

Brendan Drew, 12th dude, bowls quick, and doesn’t mind the odd long hard hit.

Squad members.

Bryce McGain, leading ford ranger wicket taker, and also another old head around the change room.

Dan Christian, project player, averaged 44 with the bat this year and bowls quicker than Stuart Clark, and about one millionth as straight or well.

Andrew McDonald, quiet year this year, but was in the 30 man squad for the world cup, and is one of those rare all rounders that takes wickets and makes runs regularly.

Would be interesting to see where it would come in the ICC knock out.

This team would never be picked though, way too many guys under 30 in it, and only two NSWelshman, who now play for other states.

Apologies to Dirty Dirk, Theo Doropolous, Mark Cosgrove, Aaron Heal and Douggie Bollinger.