Tagged with shaun pollock

Steve Waugh has never seen ‘Dude, where’s my car?’

Yet again I was invited to the MCC’s world committee (MCCWC from now on) meeting.

Last year I had a run in with Steve Waugh that resulted in me being mentally disintegrated.

This year I had no idea what would come of the whole trip, would Rahul Dravid bitch slap me, would Shaun Pollock and I get caught up in a coversaation about the Pixies, the possibilities were endless.

If you have never been to a cricket ground the day before an international match, I recommend you do. Lord’s is a great one, because much of it is so open and there is just heaps of shit going on. I saw KP giving batting tips, Derek Pringle ushering young kids around, Grand Master Mushtaq ushering kids around and Majid Khan helping Barry Richards opening a window.

Come on, that is a good afternoon.

Then for the press conference, which seemed drier than last year, perhaps because there was no Boycott.

It started with Zimbabwe, the MCCWC want a fact finding trip there, I almost suggested John Howard be sent there, but I held my tongue. The MCCWC – led by Shaun Pollock, Barry Richards and Andy Flower by the look of it – want test cricket back in Zimbabwe. I inquired if it was wise to give test cricket to a team with no fast bowlers, but the general consensus was to give them a go.

Then it was about pink balls. The MCC and the MCCWC love pink balls. John Stephenson loves pink balls more than any man alive. Pause. Well, he does. He also talked about Kookaburras new G3 ball which is a cricket ball that stays whiter for longer because it is dyed better. Maybe Stephenson doesn’t love pink balls as much as he likes balls that will last. Either way, there was plenty of talk about balls and day night tests.

Then there was Rahul and his talk about the IPL. Twice now I’ve seen him at the MCCWC pressers, and both times his performance has assured me that he will never be a regular on panels at comic cons. He just doesn’t seem to like doing it at all, his tie was all slanted, he was slumped over his notes for most of it and answered each question with a sombre nervousness of a geeky teen talking to a milf he is desperately trying not to look at the cleavage of. He said very little about anything.

The MCCWC’s world test championship was talked about again, I wondered if the viability of the championship game would really grab people’s imagination if it was just one test and the home ground produced a road, then Barry Richards suggested a 6 day test championship. Nice.

Then after a brief period of talking about boundary ropes and big bats (Courtney Walsh just wanted fast pitches to batsmen couldn’t carry heavy bats) they talked about how poorly test cricket is marketed compared to IPL and T20 cricket.

I suggested that the reason could be that T20 is a rather simple format to market and that marketing test cricket is harder because of the nuance.

Now here is my mistake, or not, no one jumped in to answer it straight away, so I continued, I then said that T20 is like ‘Dude, where’s my car’, whereas test matches are more like art films. I framed the question to Shaun Pollock, but Sam Stow, of all out cricket, was watching Steve Waugh whose face drew a complete blank. I’m sure Tony Lewis’ did as well.

After the press conference finished I went up to the front to pick up my phone and Steve Waugh had questions for me.

“Dude, Where’s my car, never seen that film, mate, what’s it like anyway?”

This time I didn’t freeze like I did a year earlier. I wasn’t going to be intimidated by him twice in a row, so I fired back.

“It’s a good one, I’d think you’d like it”.

He laughed and said.

“You guys must be young, I’ve never heard of it.”

Never heard of ‘Dude, where’s my car’, how is that possible?

So this is for Steve and all you who have never seen the film that is allegedly one of Kim Jong-Il’s favourites.

Just some quick things I forgot to mention, check out the next podcast and you can hear Steve ask about the film, Barry Richards and Majid Khan opened the window without grace or style and would you let KP coach your kids?

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Another red nut bites the dust


Shaun Pollock has retired.

Yawn.

I checked my previous posts to see how many times he has been mentioned on cricket with balls.

There was two, one was by Sime and it said

“Old man Pollock (Shaun) was in the dressing room, in between stints as a substitute fielder, plotting his second cricketing life, as a wicket keeper, donning the gloves in what can only be described as a bizarre piece of footage from the players balcony.”

The other was my post, Shaun Pollock of the dead, which was hated by most people. Especially people from the BBC site I placed it on, which is probably why I like it.

In this post I mention that he had almost no impact on me, and since I’ve written over 400 blogs now and mentioned him twice I think you get the idea.

He didn’t even make my post about evil South Africans.

He is a Eunuch, he is beige, he is platonic, he is a pop star, he is a fibre enriched breakfast serial, and if he didn’t have red hair, I may have never even noticed him.

Everyone has a story about how they saw him do something great once, except for me, perhaps I slept through it.

My problem with him is that at no stage did I ever feel like he was pushing his talent as far as it could go.

I always felt like he was holding himself back, like there was more to give, but that he felt comfortable with his efforts.

He played like a proboter, when he could have been anything.

Who does that?

I wasn’t born with his talent, but if I was, and I played my cricket as a medium paced handy batsmen I’d be fu©ken horrified with myself.

In his retirement speech he said he thanked god for his talents.

Well Shaun if I was god, which is a possibility, I’d smite thee from this here land for eternity.

Fancy mentioning god when you play cricket like a scientologist.

I am in the minority here, I can already see other people calling him a great, a brilliant flame haired red head who was a phenomenal all rounder.

The Pro Shaun Pollock movement will mention his amazing statistical record as proof of his greatness, well if that’s the case, Mike Hussey must be the second best batsman of all time.

I’m used to being in the minority, (not racially, or sexual preference wise, but politically and in my liking of Ian Harvey) and I stand by my final quote in the original post,

I choose to forget your career.

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shaun pollock of the dead

I remember being excited at the mention of you. Related to a dead set quickie and a member of batting royalty. As a fan of all cricketers who are “all round”, you sounded like a wet dream.

I even overlooked the fact you were red headed and came from South Africa.

Both hard things for me to overlook.

Nothing excites me like a fast bowling all rounder, perhaps Natalie Portman, but only her.

Cricket is such a formal game, but all rounders, they are rough and tough. It’s like working class men destroying a gentleman’s club.

I scour the world looking for them, and hearing of your imminent arrival I went and read everything I could on you, and your family.

You were starting just as all the giants of the world had left us.

Botham was unconscious in a bar.

Imran was planning world domination.

Kapil was getting his perm done.

The world had a void, and here comes this young fast bowler who can actually bat. He swings the ball, he hits the ball hard, and he releases them at a decent click.

How promising you were.

It all started to go down hill for me when I first saw you bowl, it’s not an overly masculine bowling action now is it.

Your batting, which does consist of heavy hitting, has a hint of your uncle, but lots of food have a hint of nutmeg, doesn’t always mean you can even taste it.

Imagine the horror I had Shaun, when you decided with all your Johnny cash given gifts, that bowling slow medium pace was the direction you were headed in.

Anyone can bowl medium pace. Greg Blewett did it, Nathan Astle did it, hell even Arjuna did it, it aint that tough.

Then with all your graceful and big hitting potential what do you do, you become a grafter, a slicer, a single hitter, and dare I say it, a Michael Bevan,

You had the talent to be whispered behind names like Miller and Sobers, instead you will be remembered as that guy who bowled like Glenn McGrath but was never quite as good or successful as McGrath.

It’s my own fault, I should have known that being from South Africa you were bound to let me down.

So I choose to forget your career, and instead I will remember the feeling I had before I saw you play.

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South Africa V New Zealand – Second Test

Well, I wish I could tell you something different, something exciting…….but I can’t!! That’s why I have included a picture of the beautiful Alyce Platt, the hottest chick over 40. Just to give you guys something to talk about, because this blog has nothing else going for it.

New Zealand included Mark Gillespie and Lou Vincent to replace their injured guns Oram and Bond. Pretty tidy replacements for a country with very little depth. The Kiwis started positively, reaching 1/84 by lunch on the first day. Cumming and Vincent dug in their toes and played tough, gritty cricket. Vincent, as per usual, didn’t take a backward step and took the game up to SA, following Papps predictable meek surrender. At times his judgement of balls to smash was extremely flawed and reckless, but he got away with it and looked set at lunch on 33. Cumming provided a capable but subdued sidekick.

Old man Pollock (Shaun) was in the dressing room, in between stints as a substitute fielder, plotting his second cricketing life, as a wicket keeper, donning the gloves in what can only be described as a bizarre piece of footage from the players balcony. Nel was angry, Ntini and Steyn were having to bend their backs a bit…….I was impressed! Now, this is were it got ugly…quick, take a look at Alyce again.

After lunch Vincent had a brain explosion and skied one to mid wicket. Cumming ignored what a classy batsman would have done and followed his native urges and got in behind one……er….to hook and copped a very nasty one to his visor which left him with a wicked cut and swollen cheekbone within 3 seconds of being struck. He clearly should have swayed out of the way.

The ugliest guy ever to play Test cricket, Scott Styris came and went meekly, Fleming looked O.K. with a run a ball 40 but……..take a deep breath and another look at Alyce………..slashed one straight to point. Ahh it was all too tough for him to grit his teeth……. again! World Champion chump.

Yada, Yada, Yada New Zealand were 8/184 at stumps and I’m sick and tired of the sight of the Kiwis yet again!
Uncle J-Rod, I’m still waiting for that introduction to Alyce…..

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