Tag Archives: shane watson

The myth of Shane Watson

Shane Watson is desperate to be an allrounder who bats in the middle order and dominates like Freddie Flintoff. Then he wants to open the batting and still bowl his full overs. Then he’s happy to move down the order to three, as it puts less stress on him. Then he’s content to bat at four, and that it will help him bowl more overs. Now he’ll bat anywhere, but probably gets that his body won’t let him bowl.

That is Shane Watson.

But that is also the Australian selectors. Shane Watson is the biggest headache and most confusing question the selectors have at the moment. Before the Adelaide Test there was more than enough noise that they couldn’t play Watson just as a batsman, and now Watson is just a batsman, they have to work out where to get the best out of him, if they want him at all. Today Mickey Arthur has suggested he may have to go back to opening.

Watson is pure throbbing talent. Large, powerful, deadly and mean. He picked up attacks at the World T20 and shook them down. In the IPL he looks better than entire franchises. In ODIs he’s a consistent wrecking ball.

But in Test cricket he’s an LBW candidate who gets bogged down and doesn’t make hundreds.

In Test cricket he’s mostly myths.

Watson the opening aggressor

One of the most common incorrect thoughts in cricket is that Shane Watson is an attacking opener. It’s simply not true. Sure, for a couple of overs, on the odd occasion, he will slash outside off stump and muscle some pulls, but once he gets to 20 or 30, he stops. And when Watson stops in Test cricket, he’s cadaverous.

Virender Sehwag’s opening strike-rate is 82.
Tillakaratne Dilshan’s opening strike-rate is 71.
Graeme Smith’s opening strike-rate is 59.
Simon Katich’s opening strike-rate is 49.
Alastair Cook’s opening strike-rate is 47.
Ed Cowan’s opening strike-rate is 43.

Watson’s is 52. That means that in terms of quick-scoring opening batsmen, Watson is marginally closer to Smith than he is to Cowan. And Dilshan and Sehwag are distant dreams.

Watson is a plodding opening batsman who can hit powerful boundaries. More Jason Arnberger than Matthew Hayden.

Watson is a part-time bowler

Some people will suggest that Watson’s bowling isn’t that important. That due to his body and the many, many, many changes in action he is nothing more than a trundling medium pacer who can take up a few overs when the ball is older.

Watson has a Test average of 30 with the ball. His economy is under 3. And he has three five-wicket hauls. He’s a proper fifth bowler who can bowl with the new ball and get movement. Bowl with an old ball and get reverse swing. And be used as a bowler who can keep the runs down.

In 2011, as an opener who was underbowled, he averaged 19 from six Tests and has won Australia Tests with the ball. Sometimes with game-changing wickets, sometimes by the number of wickets he has taken.

He’s clever, he’s cocky and when he doesn’t bowl Australia feels the nakedness of not having a legitimate fifth bowler.

Watson’s in bad form because he isn’t opening

It seems amazing that anyone, especially those in the Australian team bubble, would consider that Watson should be moved back to opening the batting and dropping Cowan. Forget that Cowan’s ugly, yet ultimately effective 36, might have been the difference between them winning and losing a Test match in Sydney. Cowan has averaged 32 opening the batting for Australia in 2012-13, with a hundred against the best bowling attack in the world, and in 2011 Watson averaged just 24 doing the same job.

In 2012, not opening the batting, Watson averaged 31. Watson’s loss of form in Test cricket seems to have come from teams targeting his massive front pad, his inability to turn the strike over with the field set in anything other than full attack mode and his lack of conversions from 50 to 100s.

Overall Watson still averages 43 opening the batting, but that was mostly earned early on, when he was doing very well. Now he’s simply not doing well, no matter where he bats.

Those expecting a return to form batting at the top of the order may find a rude surprise.

Watson is a batsman

Batsmen score hundreds. Allrounders score fifties. Sure that is a generalization, but you know, that’s kind of how it works unless you’re a Sobers or Kallis. Watson can bat, but that’s not being a batsman. There is more to it than that. He seems, either mentally or physically, not able to make the large scores that other batsmen make at the top level.

Watson simply does not score enough Test hundreds to bat at the top of the order. In 38 Tests he has two hundreds and 19 half-centuries. It’s the reason he averages 37 and not 42. Top-order batsmen need to score big hundreds. Watson knows this, and his desperation for the big score has even gotten him out before.

Batsmen work through their innings, not hit and stop like Watson.

Watson can’t bat in the middle order

When Watson first played Tests for Australia he was brought in as an allrounder who batted at seven. Eventually he was moved up to six. In both positions he was a disaster. But Watson as a cricketer was a bit of a disaster at that point. His body was useless. He gave more press conferences than faced balls. His place in the Australian team never felt secure. And he didn’t seem to really know his game at all. That he failed then was not a big surprise. He would have also failed as an opener in that time, but his form was so bad that no one would have tried him there.

Things are different now, Watson’s place in the world is secure, and he knows that he can master worldwide attacks. But perhaps he should try it in the middle order much the way he bats in ODI cricket.

An average of mid to high 30s batting at No.6 with a high strike-rate and bowling when he is fit could be very useful to a team that currently has no No.6 and four openers. It could also unshackle Watson, who just doesn’t look comfortable as a top-order stalwart, but seems perfectly made as a middle-order enforcer.

Or Australia could try him at No.5, as in 38 Tests they’ve tried him in every other position from 1-7.

If that doesn’t work, perhaps Watson could bowl some spin.

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Watto whacks

This tournament is fast becoming the search for Australia’s middle order. It’s weak, wounded and clutching rare gems, but first you have to get past the gate keeper. For the fourth time in four matches Shane Watson swatted away anyone who came near the Australian middle order. He has climbed halfway up the World Twenty20 tower clutching the Australian middle order in his large sweaty palm, and will have to be brought down by someone or something special for anyone to see this middle order.

There was a time when Dale Steyn looked like the man who could bring down Watson. Steyn was fast and on song, and Australia barely limped out of the gate. Dave Warner struggled to get bat on ball, Watson was subdued and Steyn seemed to lift Morkel as well. There were plays and misses and the scoring rate was low. South Africa looked confident and Australia appeared meek. The talk started to be about Australia’s first real test of the tournament, people wanted to know what were Australia made of. They’re made of Shane Watson.

After four overs Australia were 15 for 1 but when Steyn was taken out of the attack, Watson opened up. The next four overs went for 45, and Australia went from nervous to magnificent. Jacques Kallis, Morne Morkel, Johan Botha, Robin Peterson and Wayne Parnell all were dealt with like they were pesky net bowlers. Fours were smashed, sixes were cracked. At one stage Watson almost blasted a ball through the rib cage of long off. South Africa collapsed in much the same way Ireland, West Indies and India did.

In this tournament Australia have lost seven wickets. England lost that many in about eight minutes on one night. Tournaments like this are often won by one man, Shahid Afridi in 2009 and Kevin Pietersen in 2010, but neither of them had half the impact that Watson has already had. The most wickets in a world T20 ever is 14, Watson has 10. The most runs in a world T20 is 317, Watson has 234.

At the moment he is mis-hitting sixes, bouncing out the world’s best batsmen, and taking a team that was rightfully a laughing stock and making them their favourite for the whole tournament. It can’t last, can it? There are three matches left for Australia if they make the final, and Watson can’t be man of the match in all three of them, no one could be man of the match in seven straight games.

The next match will be against Pakistan, the team that defeated Australia 2-1 in the UAE as a warm up to this event. The team that reaffirmed the notion that Australia’s middle order is fragile and their play of spin is suspect. Watson was there and made two 40-odds and took a wicket each match. That was the Watson of a few weeks ago, the human Watson. Nothing like the carnivorous man-beast we now see before us.

This Shane Watson is master of the universe. In his grip is Australia’s middle order and Australia’s chance of winning the tournament. Watson’s holding them tight in one hand, while knocking out everyone else with the other.

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solo steyn

The ICC has dangled promotion from everywhere in Sri Lanka.

There are probably a few people in Hambantota who have changed their name to World T20 for the duration of the tournament.

The most ubiquitous promotion is that of the various star players in three poses with a drum anchoring them to the ground.

The drum signifies the ICC.

The players included in this promotion are mostly batsmen, or all rounders. Ross Taylor, Shahid Afridi, Chris Gayle, Ab De Villiers, Shakib Al Hasan, and Shane Watson.

Stuart Broad and Lasith Malinga are the only real bowlers included.

Dale Steyn has no poster.

DALE STEYN has no poster.

No poster.

It’s Dale fucken Steyn, ABD is nice, and likeable, sings pseudochristian motivational tunes and has a face that could sell baby oil, but he’s not Steyn.

There is only one Steyn in the entire world. And I don’t care if this is a batting tournament, he deserves his own stupid promotion poster.

Steyn had bowled two overs for seven, been the only player to make Watson look human, looked too good for Warner and given South African fans the sort of false hope that religious leaders often give.

Steyn just has the perfect controlled menace about him, you know he wants to hurt you, you know he will try and hurt you, and you know he can hurt you, it’s just whether you can hide in the cupboard while he looks in the attic.

This tournament is not about fast bowlers, but for two glorious overs we saw Steyn stalk the Aussies, and even Watson had to hide in the cupboard.

Then Steyn left, and Watson was Watson.

Morkel fell apart, Kallis looked old and tired, Botha and Petersen were harmless and Parnell became the new Albie. Steyn had two overs to win the match, by the time he came back on it was all over, as was their tournament.

At the very least the man deserves a fucking promotional poster.

Result: Watson is an extremely large gorilla and South Africa have some time to prepare for the Champion’s league.

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Australia is Watson

Forget the many shit slow filthy disgusting deliveries.

Forget Pat Cummins impressive display.

Even forget Dave Warner’s new Steyn moustache

The only thing you need to know about Australia at the moment is that Shane Watson is a freaking robot of death.

There was a time when he was a loud marshmallow of inconvenience.

In T20 cricket you need to bow down to Watson and apologise for all the mean things you ever said to him.

I’ve said more than most.  I think I once compared to him to Paris Hilton, or Lindsay Lohan, or someone like that.

In T20 cricket you can only compare him to Voltan, defender of the universe.

Sure, you and I could have hit some of those shit long hops for six, or at least two.

But would we have got them in the first place?

At the moment Watson is getting shit balls delivered to him simply because his machismo is fucking up the bowlers before they even come in.

Wickets, runs, cheques, he’s getting them all.

Are Australia shit, who the fuck knows, we just know that Watson us UnShit.  Very very UnShit.

Watson cannot continue to to be this good, even robots of death eventually stumble, but while he is let us put behind us all the petty shit we say about him and just enjoy the carnage.

Destruction like this is a joy forever.

Result: Chawla and Sharma are back, and Australia still struggle to score singles off the spinners.

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balls profile: shane watson

Other balls profiles.

It takes real talent to be hated when you are pathetic and just as despised when you are good. Even those who have the talent to get to this level of hatred could never do it as well as Shane Watson. When not in front of the mirror, he seems to be able to move 95% of cricket fans into a frenzy of hate, pure detestation, clear revulsion, and a general uneasy sickness of rage. When he walks around town he has to prance through puddle after puddle of bile as people tend top spew it towards him involuntarily. The great thing about Watson is he seems to not be overly worried by this, the slushing of the bile around his trendy shoes has never changed who he is. His effectively-bullish technically-flawed batting and his elderly-man-getting-out-of-a-car bowling style have very little to do with the bile. The fact that he’s made himself into a very respectable opener does nothing to stop the loathing, and his bowling getting worse didn’t endear him to anyone either. It seems that almost everyone has a reason to hate Shane Watson, the most common being his fear of ghosts, how metrosexual he is, the posing, that he was created during operation paper clip, when he sent off Chris Gayle, calling a press conference to explain how he ate his breakfast (that he bought with Medifast coupons), how he is now good, calling Ajmal for chucking while facing him, that he was once rubbish and the time he hit Gambhir’s elbow. The really good thing about Watson is you don’t need a reason to hate him, it just comes natural. I’m sure he is a great friend, lover, confidant and son, when not playing cricket. He appears daily on the honours board at Lords, like Agit Agarkar. Does Pilates, not Yogalates, the prick.

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Shane Watson defiles Murali’s day

What sort of man is Shane Watson?

Don’t answer.

Not content with turning the Pakistani batting line up into his bitches, he also completely embarrassed his own bowlers with a display of bowling competency.

But to do it on the day the world should be bowing down for Murali, that is just unfair.

Murali had done what he needed to do, took the last wicket in a dramatic way.

He knows how to work a crowd.

Keep them interested thinking that it might just all go wrong, then after a protracted last wicket partnership take the wicket and let the crowd and team mates take over from there.

It was perfect.

The lighting was right, his family were crying, the crowd was roaring, his teammates carrying him and a seemingly slow motion celebration happening around him. All he needed was some music composed by James Newton Howard and a crane shot starting on a close up of his face before moving back to show the whole scene.

But Shane Watson is not a fan of bowlers who deliver the doosra, ask Saeed Ajmal.

And he knew that there was one thing he could do that would dirty Murali’s magic day, and that was him taking wickets.

Nothing ruins a magical day like Shane Watson’s bowling.

He is like rain on your wedding day, he makes everything wet and women cry because of him.

And he knows it.

Six wickets, talk about taking the piss.

Five at Lord’s was bad, but this was one more, scary.

Cricket just feels wrong when Shane Watson is taking wickets.

Before he went out to bowl he knew this was Murali’s day, and look what he did.

Disgusting behaviour.

Murali deserved better than that, Shane.

You pig.

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Pakistani cricket dies

There are many problems facing Pakistan cricket.

Senate enquiries.

Effigies.

Match fixing.

Spot fixing.

Shoaib Malik’s cuntoxability.

The Captain carousel.

Possible suspensions.

STDs.

Missing out on IPL gravy.

No home ground.

Opium.

Playing shit a lot.

All these things have affected Pakistan cricket in recent times.  But Pakistanis are resilient, they keep punching on.  It isn’t always pretty, and they usually fuck it up a bit, but bugger me if they don’t keep going.

Today that ended.

Today the hopes and dreams of that beautifully eccentric country were ended.

The killer of Pakistan’s plucky persistence was Shane Watson.

Ofcourse it was.  It all makes perfect sense.  For years we all wondered why Shane Watson existed, now we know.

Watson is here to end the Pakistan gene pool.

There can be no doubt.  It explains how he plays, how he looks, his general demeanor, why Australia were so keen to play him, everything.  He was sent here to end these people, and the bastard did it with that smile on his face.

As a cricket fan you might have grown to understand that at times, Shane Watson might make runs.  Not a lot of runs, and he might still give you a comical ending, but you know it could happen.

As a cricket fan the one thing you know won’t happen is Shane Watson cutting through your best batsmen like they are batting with breadsticks.  You know he won’t take a five wicket haul.  You know that, and that is what hurts.

It was horrible.  Watson was that dude from Indiana Jones, just taking out the hearts of Pakistan, not with his hand, but with his medium paced nonsense.

Akmal, Akmal, Afridi and even Butt succumbed to Watson.

Then he added a fifth, and that fifth gets his name on the board at Lord’s.  Right at the top because no other bowler has ever taken a five wicket haul in a neutral test match at Lord’s.

So if one day you want to know about the fate of Pakistani cricket, take the Lord’s tour and take a look at the neutral honours board and you’ll see

SR Watson 5 wickets

A monument to horror.

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Shane Watson in wet girls ad

The ad is supposed to be about hair gel, but the middle section is well directed soft core porn.

There is also a section where Watson does the creepiest look at the camera since that chick in Paranormal Activity.

But the real reason I show this ad is because Aaron Finch is in it.

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Sometimes, It Pays To Be Heartless

So, the international season in Australia has come to an end, and I’m drinking to it. Not because of the unbeaten Aussie summer. Thrashing two mediocre teams is hardly cause for celebration. No, because it means the end of the most annoying experiment in cricket viewing since, well, ever.

Bloody heart rate monitors.

What, I mean what, is the point of this idiocy? The whole point of introducing any sort of technology into a sport is to make it in some way better for the spectator. HawkEye, HotSpot, slo-mo cameras, they all serve this purpose. But what is the freaking point of a heart rate monitor?

It is not as if most of us are incapable of noticing that your heart rate goes up when you are running and it is no great logical feat to suss out that it might go up a bit more if you run and then hurl a small projectile 22 yards.

And it’s not even as if they put them on the interesting players, fer chrissakes. What is the use of putting a heart rate monitor on Mitchell Johnson, unless it is to give his mother heart failure of her own? How about sticking one on Chris Gayle, so that we can tell if he is really that laid back, or just clinically dead? Or on Shane Watson, to see if he actually is 98% straw? Hell, if we are being really interesting, strap it to Steve Smith and see if he’s yet mature enough to walk past a woman on the boundary without all of the blood rushing to his groin?

No, the only conceivable use for this technology is to fix it to the commentators. Watch Mark Nicholas’ bpm rise every time he passes a mirror. Measure Warne’s excitement as a tray of pies goes by. Do what the heck you like with it, just get it off my tv screen.

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