Tagged with shahid afridi …

Jan 29 2010
aussies, pakistanis

showman shahid the crazy uncle

Australia is showing again what a surprisingly good one-day outfit they are.

Ryan Harris has barged his way into world cricket, but to be fair, he looks like he would barge his way into a swimming pool. Clint McKay either gets wickets or goes for no runs, not the worst habit to get into. Cam White is obviously pretending he is captaining the side. And Nathan Hauritz is giving up bowling for batting.

The series was dead at game two, and today’s game meant nothing at all. Pakistan played like it.

Their collapse was not unique and not unexpected.

Lose early wickets, pseudo consolidate for a while and then collapse for good.

It was not interesting or fun.

Then Shahid came in.

His first two balls brought about two wild slogs. Nothing pretty, but both went for four through fortune.

Then he tried to end Little Nathan’s gene pool.

After that was an attack on Clint McKay that eventually had him caught wildly slogging across the line.

He only lasted 10 balls, he scored 29 runs.

It wasn’t a great innings; it wasn’t even a good innings.

It was an innings that could only be compared to a black man taking LSD, pouring bourbon on his head, singing fuck the police and running naked through a Klu Klux Klan meeting that was mid way through lynching a bunch of his friends.

It was, for all 3 overs of it, something to grab your attention in a very dull game.

Like I have said before, Afridi either gives his fans a lift or his haters something to bag him about.

Today he did both.

I love him, I really do. I never had a truly mental relative, and Shahid is the crazy uncle I always wanted.

Imagine him in the corner at a family party, setting alight the napkins while denouncing his brother, the local butcher, as a CIA operative.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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Jan 23 2010
aussies, pakistanis

Chairman Butt-Head

How would you like to be a Pakistani cricketer right now?

You’ve just totally blown a Test series against Australia, in Australia, by collectively showing less bottle than Stuart Broad when faced with a Dutch batsman.

Then you fuck up an ODI by allowing Cameron White – Cameron Freaking White – to score a hundred. At over a run a ball. Without at any time being in a Powerplay.

As a player, you can’t rely upon any of your teammates not to commit some appalling fuckup during the course of the game, be it batting, bowling or fielding (or, in the case of Shahid Afridi, all three). The only guy you might trust is your captain, who although he fields like an arthritic walrus does at least put a price on his wicket.

Except you can’t, because your cricket board chairman has just announced that, at the end of the current ODI series, he’ll be sacked. Which is a totally freaking bizarre way of going about things. If you are going to sack someone, you sack them. You don’t give them two weeks warning of their sacking, leaving them a dead man walking. And you don’t sack the only guy in the team that can, at the current time, be sure of his place in the team.

There’s no no incentive for Mohammed Yousuf to play like a leader should, and there’s equally little incentive for his team to follow him. As a succession, it makes some of England’s recent captaincy changes look sensible and organised. They might as well just hand Australia the series win and go home now.

The cricket board chairman in question is named Ijaz Butt, which couldn’t be more apt for a man making a complete arse of himself.

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Jun 23 2009
shield cricket

Australia becomes a boarding house for ADD cricket players

There was a time that you needed to be Imran Khan or Ian Botham to play domestic cricket in Australia.

Australian teams guarded their teams like Jesse with his last bourbon.

Those times are changing, and Lalit Modi is a motivating factor.

Last year there were two overseas players in Shield cricket, Younis Khan for South Australia, who was really there as a batting coach, and Darren Eyelids Pattinson, who was really there as a roofer.

Then in the Fried Chicken big bash, Umar C Gul, Sohail Tanvir and Prince Brendon McCullum all got games.

Other than Younis’ gig, all of the signings felt a bit last minute and tacked on.

Not this year, Victoria has already signed Dwayne Bravo for their t20 team, and if the rumour is true, the women of Sydney are about to get a taste of Afridi this summer.

Lukcy them.

I would be surprised if every state doesn’t pick up a player.

Being that Tasmania is a bit budget, they might only be able to afford Aaron Redmond, but the others can get real internationals.

There is big money in this for the players, no state can afford IPL or County money upfront, but you are a 1 in 3 chance of making the Champion’s league, which is when the real money comes in.

Dwayne Bravo is currently on the players we hate list, but when he plays for Victoria we are willing to change him to the players we like, unless he plays shit, then he goes back, or if he becomes mates with Brad Hodge.

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Jun 22 2009
pakistanis, world twenty20

Shahid Afridi has been drug tested

Since no one at the ICC or world anti-doping agencies could believe Afridi’s two grown up batting displays, they have decided to test him for drugs.

This is a standard practice, and not because they saw him snorting cocaine of a group of women after his innings in the semi final.

They are looking for a performance-enhancing cocktail that will explain the last few days.

We don’t need a test to tell us what substance is in his veins.

Awesomeness. Pure Awesomeness.

A natural compound found in the Zulus, Indigenous Australians, Jazz musicians and Natalie Portman.

Afridi has bucketloads of awesomeness coursing though him.

Awesomeness is not an illegal performance-enhancing substance, as there is no known test for it, although it does make the person perform better and makes them more awesome.

Along with all this awesomeness, his tests will show more testosterone than any drug test has ever shown, but this is not artificial. Afridi is a bulging sinew of raw sexual power, and he runs on testosterone.

Any readings of above normal testosterone levels should be accepted.

Ofcourse there is one drug that Afridi will have.

There is a fair chance he did not take it knowingly, and that Younis Khan crushed it, and then slipped it into Afridi’s meals.

Adderall.

Which for those unaware does this:
Adderall is a central nervous system stimulant. It affects chemicals in the brain and nerves that contribute to hyperactivity and impulse control.

I think we all know the tests will show up positive for this.

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Jun 22 2009
pakistanis

afridi

Shahid Afridi is freaky sexy god.

We all know this.

He plays the same way in all forms of cricket, like an acid freak in a children’s playground.

This is glorious in test cricket; he throws cucumber sandwiches at red cheeked old wankers and then sleeps with their daughters.

In one day cricket he brings a wig and make up and clowns his way around as the game chugs on mechanically behind him.

But in 2020, the game is that made for everyone to be like Afridi, he doesn’t stand out like he should.

There are heaps of crazy sloggers, and every team has part time spinners.

This seemed to bug him.

So instead of being Afridi like, he decided to grow up, and play proper innings, and start bowling like a real leggie.

That is shocking.

I don’t want Afridi to be grown up.

He should be inconsistent, he should tear at the panties of random women, he is not made to be the go to guy.

He is the party player, but 2020 cricket has destroyed this.

Afridi was the player of the tournament (forget what the statistical minded numb skulls decided) and that is not right.

This game that was meant to showcase reckless slogging.

Instead it turned our magnificent marauding motherfucker into a dependable big occasion player.

Seems a shame.

But then you see Afridi smile, flick his hair, and motion to the crowd, moving his head around like a very excitable puppy.

You don’t care what form of cricket this is, or what sort of cricket he has played to get this adulation, you are just happy to watch him be lauded.

Well done, sir.

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Jun 19 2009
saffas, world twenty20

South Africa legitimise Twenty20

If you want proof that Twenty20 is a proper form of cricket, look no further than South Africa choking.

If the form of cricket was all piss and giggles, South Africa would have crushed it like a big.

They didn’t.

While the talent of Afridi and Gul was the over riding factor in the victory, no one should down play the part that South Africa’s choke put in.

The innings of Jacques Kallis was positively awe inspiring, while other batsmen would have looked at the situation and said, “I know I am the Anchor here, but I see that the other batsman is struggling and the game is getting away from me, I better do something here”. Jacques seemed to say, if I play my cards right there is a not out in this for me.

JP Duminy was almost as bad. When you are batting with a cadaverous batsman and you have Albie and Boucher behind you, surely you have to step it up a bit. Sure JP tried, but he just didn’t try hard enough, There were so many times he should have just hit out or got out.

This was a partnership made in T20 hell.

And once Kallis went out, Albie got to face 4 balls.

That was it.

South Africa were out.

Graeme Smith said they were just beaten by a better team, and he was right.

A team that handled the pressure, performed at a much higher level, had match winners, didn’t have a innings paralysing partnership and didn’t choke.

This is one of the days that people love T20.

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Jun 18 2009
pakistanis, saffas, world twenty20

They choked again

Cricket’s version of David Carradine has done it again, the saffas have choked.

Cough, cough, choke.

Afridi put the noose on, then he tightened it.

Umar Gul squeezed then to within an inch of death.

Jacques Kallis sat in the corner watching the whole thing.

And Mohammad Aamer locked the wardrobe door.

Why does a South African choke feel like your team has just won?

5 wins on the trot.

The Evil Robotic white ball players looked indestructible, but none of us really believed it, did we?

Why?

Because they choke.

They always choke.

Every world cup/thingy they choke.

And what better a man than Shahid Afridi to do the choking.

Can’t you just see him clad in leather from head to toe, whipping a ball gagged South African in a gimp mask that he’s already strung up before him.

What am I saying, if you saw the match that is exactly what you saw.

Because South Africa choked again.

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Apr 22 2009
aussies, pakistanis

Spin

Journalist: Michael, do you think Australia has a problem with spin?

Michael Clarke: No way champ. That is rubbish. There are fewer sporting clubs in the world who deliver spin better than us.  Tell me Michael Hussey is in bad form, and I’ll talk about what a calming influence he is on the dressing room. Tell me Simon Katich wants to kill me, and I’ll talk about how the competition for places in the side has never been harder.  Tell me Andrew Symonds is a drunken buffoon and I’ll tell you about how it is great to have someone so relaxed to bring us down to earth.  We excel at spin.

J: Sorry let me rephrase that, at playing spin?

MC: Shahid Afridi is a masterful spinner, he is probably the best spinner in the world at the moment.

J: Better than Murali?

MC: Oh yeah, way better. Murali is good, but these days he is easier to pick, and you can milk him.

J: in 2007 you said ‘Murali is the best spinner in that world by a country mile’.

MC: The thing about spin bowling is that it is all a form thing, Afridi just has it, no one could have played him today. I dare anyone to refute that with facts.

J: Australia also struggled against Harris, Botha, Van der Merwe, and Duminy.

MC: All champions of the game.

J: Van Der Merwe played his first game against you guys, how can…

MC: What you have to understand is that South Africa has always produced great spinners, this current batch is probably only comparable to the great Indian spin line ups and the South African Legspinners at the turn of the previous century.

J: Has Australia gotten worse against spin?

MC: No, the spinners have just got better. That happens, can’t be helped.

J: Except the Australian spinners.

MC: Yeah, they’re rubbish. Even Lara knows that.

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Apr 01 2009
general balls

In bed with Shahid Afridi

Yes this post contains satirical penetration and other sex stuff. Not for kids, honest catholic priests or politicians courting the religious right vote. Part of the ‘in bed with‘ series.

It’s been a big night. Drinks, drugs, making out with casual strangers, but all night I’ve had eye contact with a cool looking motherfucker in the corner. Eventually he makes his way over to me, he doesn’t say anything he just grabs my hand and takes me outside into a cab.

The cab starts moving the minute I get in it and so does he, I’m naked straight away. There isn’t a part of my body that he isn’t pleasuring, and all at once. Fuck. Oh my god he is eating me out and licking my nipple at the same time. Is that possible how many people are in the car. Oh my. Is that a ferret? Praise be to… This has to be like 4 people, fucken hell that must be a vibrator, is the cab driver joining in. where am I, wow. Oh my, that is amazing, oh I’m cumming, seriously that is a ferret. Every orifice is full, how can that even be? Is that a frozen banana being held by a monkey? OW, ohhhh, cumming again. Oh and again. Shitting hell. That is a midget in the corner with a video camera? Oh that’s good, oh really good, oh who cares what is going on this is the best fuck I have ever….

And he’s gone.

Midway through an orgasm.

Prick.

The taxi has all the signs of sexual carnage in it you could imagine. The driver is gone, and I look out the window, I am only around the block from the club.

Is that right?

I would have sworn we had gone for much longer.

I think that was great, I’m just not sure what happened, or what to do with the rest of the night.

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Sep 02 2008
general balls

the surgeon and the blacksmith

After the IPL our very occasional deep throat, the omitted, talked about how the Pakistani’s weren’t the best team players during the IPL.

Well VVS certainly agrees with the omitted.

“Afridi has no team ethics. Speaking negatively about the team in public, let alone the captain, is just not on,”

VVS was talking about Afridi bagging him after the whole Deccan Chargers debacle.

It’s a weird one, because Afridi does have a point.

VVS did look like a crap captain, where as Gilly, Afridi’s choice, looked much more like a captain.

But on the other hand, knowing the VVS is going to be the captain, should you come out in the media and bag him?

The bigger issue here may be that the IPL players still don’t really feel like they are playing on a team.

Or.

The opposite is true, that Afridi doesn’t like to lose, and he wishes he had the best captain available.

Although if that was true, wouldn’t he speak out about Pakistan’s captain more often.

I do like a good public stoush though.

If it comes to fist fights, i know who i’ll back.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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