Each game a pretty young thing goes into the running and during the final the winner will be selected.

According to Imran, only whites or browns get a show in, no black women are being picked, although to be fair, blacks are a minority there I suppose.

Until now it has not been announced how the winner will be chosen.

But Cricket With Balls has been advised.

During the strategy break of the final, a novelty sized casting couch will be taken out onto the ground and the girls will have to perform for Lalit and SRK.

Now, I know what you are thinking, how is a gang bang family viewing.

Well I didn’t say gangbang I said perform.

Each girl will have to suck a golf ball through a garden hose, do the star jumps, will have to run slow motion under a sprinkler, put her ankles behind her head, and various tricks with ping pong balls.

Good family entertainment.

Old men deciding a young girls fate in front of a crowd of mostly blue balled men as hot black women look on.

Hopefully with the full commentary team standing around giving us a blow by blow description.

That is not the answer Shah Ruh Khan wants to hear though.

He is reportedly trying to sell off his share in his blingy failure.

Ditch and run, son.

Can’t blame him, while the business side of Kolkata Knight Riders seems to be working ok (although their merchandise section on the blog is not working, I want a KKR head band god damnit), his nack for running a sporting team seems to be on par with George W Bush.

Kolkata have more coaches than players, they have a head coach, and a header coach.

They spent 600 grand on a bloke they don’t play.

Murali Kartik couldn’t get a game until they were finished.

Dropping Sourav as captain made sense on last years form, but it seems to have sapped the life out of the franchise.

And Prince Brendon doesn’t have the ego to take over a team with the Giant Alien Lizard in it.

Throw in the fact that SRK was starting to resemble a dildo, and you can’t blame him for leaving.

I am prepared to make an offer for the franchise, SRK, I will give you one used spoon for the team.

It may be your best offer.

And Brad is struggling at the moment.

Well not at the moment, for his whole IPL career he has been ordinary, and there is a reason.

Brad likes one of two things, to be the man, or to be pumped up.

For Victoria, and whichever county side he signs for, he is automatically the best batsman, and if he isn’t, he walks around like he is until everyone assumes he must be.

Try doing that in a change room with Prince Brendon, Gayle and the Giant Alien Lizard Ganguly.

On occasions when he walks into a dressing room with bigger names he needs something else to hold onto.

Ricky, bless his heart, understood Hodge.

They are roughly the same age, were both child prodigies, both footy players and are both pretty sure of their own abilities.

Had Hodge not had 6 odd years where he couldn’t buy a run, they would have been life long teammates.

When Brad comes into the Australian side, Ricky can’t stop making noises about how great he is, how he would be an automatic starter for most other sides, and then he bats him in important positions.

What generally happens is Hodge makes runs for Australia, his not inconsiderable ego is fondled nicely, and he does his job of back up top order international batsman rather well. 

The knight riders- off chasing phantom bloggers, designing blingy uniforms and losing games – haven’t spent any time pumping up Brad.

And his shithouse performances reflect this, but its not too late.

When he is struggling for Victoria, however rarely that has been in the last few years, I always imagined that Scholes, Hookes or Ship sent Brad out into the crowd (is 12 people a crowd?) and his mammoth ego is re inflated and runs are forth coming.

Buchanan can declare a day, preferably a match day, the ‘Brad Hodge is the greatest batsmen ever’ day, and get SRK (who is more mascot than owner) to spend that whole day talking Brad up, feeling Brad up, and taking that Ego to ejaculation point.

I promise the Knight Riders that this will work.

That is my disclaimer.

‘Cause if i wrote, ‘the IPL Fake player revealed’ that would get me in trouble.

So this is definitely not the fake IPL cricketer.

His name is Sanjib Sanyal and Ankit, of Paddlesweep.in, believes that if the Fake IPL Player has never lied, doubtful, this could be the man.

As the faker said in his last blog”Has it occurred to anyone that I might have described myself incorrectly to hide my identity?”

So it isn’t this guy. But keep your guesses coming in.

It also isn’t Brad Hodge, as there has not been one post where he has said, that Brad Hodge is a champion.

I sort of hope we never know who he is, so he can keep writing, and not be burnt alive by Gilly and SRK fans.

Whoever the fake IPl player is, I owe him a beer, he has doubled my hits.

I had nothing to do with it.

I’m serious.

I did not threaten Lalit Modi with murder.

Someone did.

But it wasn’t me.

Apparently it was the India Mafia, which probably means Bollywood.

Couldn’t you imagine SRK putting a hit on Lalit.

Ofcourse then he would spend the next few months apoloogising for it.

“There’s never a low for me. I can never feel low. There are times when my son (Aryan) runs a race but doesn’t come first. I’ve myself lost races. I’ve made flops but that doesn’t take anything away from life. It’s not that I like losing, though… I don’t and my team doesn’t like losing either.”

Shah Rukh Khan, Kolkata’s team-owner and Bollywood superstar, talking about the Hasselhoffs.

OK, SRK, here is a tip for you.

I understand in India the name Aryan has been popular for years.

I think it means, son of a bollywood star.

But, and here is the tip, if you name your son Aryan, don’t go mentioning the word “race” whilst talking about him.

People, especially us easily offended westerners, may get the wrong idea.

And you may also start to receive calls from the Nazi party.

Or the Republicans.

It’s not a new theory, but this one involves special effects and a wicketkeeper with their camp logo on his head.

Verdict, too hot too cool, too violent.

Where to begin on this one.

Women taking clips catches.

Lubed up man in a wife beater facing up with a guitar.

The slogan, too hot, too cool (never just right).

Cricket pads on fire (last time I saw cricket pads in a film clip was for Beck’s Sexxlaws).

The fact SRK is auditioning for the next matrix film.

And it ends with an odd looking man trying to eat their absurd logo.

Truly a masterpiece of Ed Woodian proportions.

Showed my non cricket liking friends, and they could not stop laughing, and are still running around the house yelling, too hot, too cool.

My Verdict, too hot, too cool, tutu.

If you have any other IPL videos you would like me to review pop them in the comments like Vinay did.

They didn’t join the IPL for close games and sex scandals, they joined for orgasmic love spectaculars, with runs aplenty.

Not dirty acts involving the Viscount Linley on dodgy pitches where homosexual acts and blackmail were involved.

This is not the place for a clean cut man like SRK (Shahrukh Khan), or even a giant alien lizard like Ganugly.

So they have decided on doing what all the IPL teams seem to do in a crisis, they have turned to Australia, and are looking for a pitch specialist.

And I have just the man for the job, he has a great reputation, has worked on the most important sporting ground in the world, and Bill Lawry mentions him all the time.

Tony Ware.

He was the man responsible for taking the MCG from unplayable mud heap, to awesome cricket wicket, to unplayable drop in pitch, in only a decade or so.

That is quite an accomplishment.

And he is no longer head curator at the G.

So IPL he is all yours, if the price is righttttttttttt.