Tagged with selectors …

Sep 12 2008
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Fishing for the truth

I knew there was something fishy about the whole barramundigate.

Turns out the story is all sorts of bullshit.

The fishing has nothing/very little to do with it, it seems like the boys are having a few issues with each other before Darwin.

Apparently Pup and Roy had a little falling out in the Windies, and they haven’t slept with each other since.

Roy used to be loved by the boys for being unprobotic.

But now that has all changed, Pup is already putting his mark on the team, and drinking, and fishing are not allowed.

Pup probably thought telling Roy off would fire him up for India, instead it has landed the Australians with Shane Watson.

I have already stated my thoughts on this, i am less than pleased.

You can’t talk a guy up because he is relaxed, and then shunt him off for the same reason.

This may be the first time in history Australian players have had a bad team experience in a bar.

They should have stuck to drinking on planes.

What I think the squad for India should be:

Matthew Hayden, Phil Jaques, Ricky Ponting, (c), Mike Hussey, Michael Clarke, Simon Katich, David Hussey, Brad Haddin, Brett Lee, Mitchell Johnson, Stuart Clark, Ashley Noffke, Jason Krezja, Bryce McGain.

What the Australian paper thinks it will be:

Matthew Hayden, Phil Jaques, Ricky Ponting, (c), Mike Hussey, Michael Clarke, Simon Katich, Shane Watson, Brad Haddin, Brett Lee, Mitchell Johnson, Stuart Clark, Doug Bollinger, Beau Casson, Bryce McGain.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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May 19 2008
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the krab is back

Simon Katich has been officially selected.

And it hurts.

On many levels.

Another NSWelshman getting a test.

Having to watch him scuttle around.

Another former golden child getting yet another chance.

Having to watch him grub around with no respect for his creamy whites.

Knowing that the elusive creature, the Australian bowling all rounder, is being held in captivity.

And a complete disregard for planning for the future of the Australian test team.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Apr 09 2008
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a long beau

Ok so let me get this straight.

Shaun tait gets a contract because he has depression.

Ben Hilfenhaus gets a contract because he was good last year.

Doug Bollinger gets a contract because he is from NSWales.

But Petter Sizzle (Siddle) does not because he is Victorian.

Actually that all makes sense.

Now on to the Spinners.

Last year there were 4.

Stuart MacGill who at that stage was slightly fitter and not so much a TV presenter.

Brad Hogg who at that stage was still being called a spinner.

Dan Cullen who at that stage was getting fewer wickets than Brad Hogg.

And Cullen Bailey, who is the second highest paid club cricketer in Australian history behind another leg spinner Adbul Qadir.

This year we have Stuart MacGill, a little older, a little rounder, and a little less interested.

Beau fu©king Casson the man who has played 4 good games in 4 seasons, but moved to the right city.

And…

Oh that’s it.

Australia is only going to use these two this year.

That’s it.

An untried wrist spinner who couldn’t buy a wicket for years, and a 37 year old wine connoisseur with a bung knee.

No place for Bryce McGain, lets check why, oh that is right, he’s Victorian.

The only thing that remains consistent for selectors is that NSWelsh players get picked all the time, and Victorians get the high hard one.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Apr 09 2008
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red hair & glasses does not make a contracted player

Chris Rogers wears glasses.

Some people might confuse this with intelligence.

But you would argue that any man that leaves Western Australia, and even hints at coming to Victoria is lacking a few marbles.

It’s ok to leave your state if you’re not playing for them and come to Victoria.

Well it’s not ok, but it doesn’t seem to scar you for life.

But when you have played a test, are a contracted player and you foolishly decide to leave the warriors to get a better opportunity to play elsewhere.

As two commenters have already mentioned, the mere mention of defecting to Victoria has cost Chris Rogers his contract.

Clearly in this case the glasses are not helping his intelligence.

But he does have red hair.

If you think that is the reason, feel free to say so.

I will say this though, in January he is deemed good enough to play for Australia, in April he is not good enough to be in the top 25 players in the country.

Perhaps the selectors have red hair as well.

Why would there be only 2 openers in the squad?

Are they not expecting any injuries to Hayden or form lapses to Jacques.
The selectors are clearly red haired sooth sayers.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Apr 01 2008
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Beau Casson selects the right state

Oh I’m fu©king pissed off right now.

Beau fu©king Casson.

Fu©king New South Wales does it again.

Who the fu©k is Beau Casson you may ask.

Well he was a Western Australian who got snatched by New South Wales and obviously got told if he came to New South Wales all his fears of never playing for Australia would evaporate.

The touring squad of the West Indies has been selected and Beau Casson’s baggy green can be taken out of the brown paper bag.

Bryce McGain’s baggy green remains as real as the moon landing or Pamela Anderson’s breasts.

According to Andrew Hilditch, chief selector of New South Wales & Australia, “We have taken the opportunity to take a young spinner and by far the best performed of these during the Australian summer has been Beau Casson.”

What he means is, we aren’t taking Bryce McGain, because he is a, too old, b, too victorian and c, a talented and proven cricketer.

Lets take the bloke who bowled on a spinners paradise all year and still ended up with 9 less wickets than McGain and with a worse average.

And that doesn’t even take into account that Casson picked up a 4 wicket haul when the Vics were making a reckless play for glory on the 5th day crumbler at the SCG.

That was the day Dirty Dirk smashed him around.

Of course he is the best young spinner in the country, because there simply are no others.

But mid way thorough the year he couldn’t buy a wicket with a stolen credit card.

And don’t you dare mention his batting Andrew. Someone who bats like him is not a test match allrounder, at best he is a Hoggard/Gillespie tail ender at this stage.

Suddenly the Australia selectors are worrying about the age of cricketers, suddenly they don’t want the second best spinner, but the spinner who is younger.

So does this mean they have changed their selection policies again?

Weren’t they picking the best cricketers regardless of age when Clark, Hodge and Hussey were picked?

Do they have selection policies?

Is there a website I can click onto that says, CA Selection policy, download here for pdf, or click here if you want them written in Goats blood on your dogs corpse.

I personally had high hopes for Beau Casson when he was a youngster, but having seen him bowl some horrible spells and some benign spells this year, in person, in the very same game Bryce took 5 for against a better batting line up, there is simply no question who the better bowler is right now.

If we choose to play two spinners in the West Indies, then the second spinner cannot be a project player, he must be a test match strength spinner, and right now, for this tour, Bryce is the better option.

He puts pressure on batsmen, he rarely bowls bad balls, and he gets the very best batsmen out.

Plus he almost single handedly won Victoria the Ford Ranger cup with a spell of bowling that had Bill Lawry Pigeon’s looking very nervous.

But I’m not biased at all.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jan 25 2008
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carpet bombs aren’t funny, and neither is he

Ok the joke has gone on long enough.

Apparently it’s been April fools day for 3 tests now.

You may remember my constant (here, here, here, and here, or just go here and scroll down) posts saying he just wasn’t up for it.

It’s not his fault.

He wasn’t going to say to the selectors, hey I’m not really all over this test bowling caper, perhaps you should look elsewhere.

He didn’t ask Warne to retire, Stuey to get overweight, the Cullens to be sh1t or for McGain to be Victorian, these things just happened and he was promoted to the Australian test team.

He is probably more surprised than the rest of us to be a test bowler in the number one rated side on earth.

Every time the ball is thrown to him he probably starts to shine it, before someone whispers that he is expected to bowl with it.

But please selectors, fu©k him off.

Send him back to his postal route, kick him out of the team hotel, give him some frequent flyers miles, hire a hit man to whack him, or feed him Ice and drug test him the next day.

It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and we are all very fu©ken hurt right now.

Because we Australians can’t take this anymore.

In this series he has bowled 110 overs, for 7 wickets.

Symonds and Clarke have bowled 98 for 14 wickets.

He is half the bowler 2 part timers are.

How shit is that, seriously work it out, how shit, he is really shit, like seeing a wart growing on your pecker, or swalloing a fly over and over and over again type shit.

Like watching Battlefield earth sober type shit.

I mean if Ganguly wasn’t a fruit loop, he might have only 3 wickets in this series.

That’s like getting your testicle or sensitive girl bits caught in a zipper shit.

I am starting a petition for all Australians, George Bradley Hogg must go.

Bring in Tait underdone, bring in an injured Hilfenhaus, bring in Bracken and his sisters hair cut, hell even bring in Daniel Marsh.

Anyone but Hogg.

You can even go retro.

Get Tim May a suit that fits, allow Shane Warne a room full of skanks, bail out Terry Jenner, pick Gavin Robertson from club cricket, give Richie a bucked load of anti aging cream, help me reanimate Tiger Bill or even turn back to Ray Bright or Greg Matthews, if worst comes to worst.

Because Brad Hogg is not a test cricketer.

Don’t tell us he is improving, that he played to the game plan, that his batting is handy, the his pants fit nicely, that he gives good head, that the players like, that all spinners struggle against India, just put him in a box and send him somewhere.

The West Bank perhaps.

Sierra Leone is nice this time of year.

Or perhaps Kenya needs a new leggie.

Our enemies are enjoying this,

“Have you any idea how much I’m enjoying Hogg’s “performance” over the last couple of days?”

If the Kiwis, with a team full of civil servants, are laughing at us, what would teams with actual cricketers be doing?

Do you know what England’s strategy next ashes is, ensure Hogg is picked.

I know I’ve been subtle in this post but I want to make sure the selectors under stand my message.

Get

Rid

Of

The

Tongue

Or

I

Will

Carpet

Bomb

Your

House

You

Useless

Mother

Fu©kers

PS, if somehow he takes wickets in the second innings, however unlikely that is, I was only taking the p1ss.

PPS, that line was added incase they Feds decided to charge me with any of the 43 terrorism offences I just committed.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jan 21 2008
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Play the straight one, deny him 50 quid

England has just appointed former straight break bowler Ashley Giles as a part time selector.

This confuses me.

I would have assumed he was a selector throughout his playing career, because other than himself, and possibly his mum, no one would have selected him to play test cricket, would they?

I’m not sure the man will make a good part time selector, I’m assuming part time means he only selects the team from Tuesday through to Thursday.

I mean he played cricket as a part time spinner of the ball, and that never worked out well for him.

His first selection will obviously be replacing Monty with himself, so the England team can have the hard as nails attitude he brought to the 2005 ashes victory.

Yesterday I wrote about Anil Kumble being the easiest champion spinner to face, well Giles may have been the easiest bowler to face in International cricket.

Hopefully one day there is a reality show called, Can Ashley Giles get you out for 50 quid?

You know, to supplement his part time position.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Dec 19 2007
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moving house and losing a loved one

Due to my moving tomorrow, I won’t be able to give you my breathtaking coverage of the deciding game in the trev barry trophy. In fact i probably won’t know the result until friday morning.

The loved one I have lost is Bryce McGain, whose international career was over even before i started it.

Australian chairman of deflectors Andrew Hilditch did not mention him (from what i could gather from here) and that is not a good sign.

For all my bullsh1t, and there is alot of it, i think Bryce McGain is a far better option against India in Melbourne the day after xmas than the tongue.

And to prove my point to all the nay sayers out there, here is Milla.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 30 2007
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Oh Shane

I understand why you and Bradley Hodge decided to open the batting. There was a vacant slot in the Australian team, so you thought, maybe if I make a ton people will forget that Jacques has made 10,000 runs.

That makes sense, (in a I’m desperate to play for Australia kind of way).

The difference is that Hodge, who failed just as bad as you did, only did it once, and he did it before Jacques had smacked the Lankans all round the park.

Mr Watson my question is, you now have 3 ducks from 12 balls, so when is enough, enough.

Sadomasochism is an admirable trait, but surely now you’ve taken it as far as you can.

You’re clearly not an opener. That’s not a slight on your character, not everyone is an opener, in fact usually 4 of the top 6 batsmen aren’t openers. True story.

I’ve never seen a cricketer more intent on changing the way he plays for selectors. You were a really good prospect as a number 5 or 6 at one stage.

Then someone whispered in your ear that to be picked for Australia you have to bat top four for your state. So you moved yourself to 4. Then Langer retires and you decided you’re an opener.

Your bowling is similar. You came into the side as a reasonably quick bowler seam bowler. Then someone said hey you’d have more luck if you swung it. So thats what you did.

Do you actually have an idea of the sort of cricketer you want to be, or are you just trying to fill what the selectors want?

Cause Shane I’ve got a tip for you, selectors don’t know what the hell they want.

One day they want attacking opening batsmen, the next, they want Simon Katich. You will never know what they want, cause they sure as fu©k don’t.

Think of them like women, for whatever reason the selectors have a crush on you, so stop asking them how they feel, stop saying are you ok, stop bringing them flowers and for fu©ks sake stop asking them why they like you. Just accept the fact that out of all the ugly pri©ks in the yard, they wanna jump your bones.

Go out and make an a$$ full of runs and take a $hitload of wickets and they will wanna have your babies.

They obviously like you, otherwise they wouldn’t have picked you so many times. Especially since most of those times you’ve failed.

Oh and I do try not to write about Brad Hodge and Shane Watson so much. But some how they keep dragging me back in.

Its an illness I have.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 11 2007
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marv and patty hearst


The more I think about Ol Marv, (I’m thinking of calling him Mickey, for you Sin City fans) the more I think the dude is a legend.

What p1sses me off the most is that politicians from any country, Zimbabwe, Pakistan or Sri Lanka have anything to do with cricket.

Mickey has served his country with skill, guts and pride for years.

If he thinks his selectors are Muppets he should be able to f*cking say so, he sweated for the cause, he doesn’t have to answer to bureaucrats, corrupt officials and @ss clowns.

The man faced quicks, took body blows and dealt with the media so that his country could taste success.

He is one tough son of a b1tch who has captained his side, carried his side, and kept a steady head when other batsmen have been flashy and soft away from home.

And the Sri Lankan suits are clearly f^cken tools anyway.

First they reanimate the corpse of Jayasuriya for England.

Now they pick Ol’ Marv from some bushwacker league after f*cking with his mind for years.

He hasn’t picked up his bat in 3 months, and because some pen pusher got worried about votes, coups and their mansion and he has to pack his bags for one last heist before he can retire to Mexico.

The man was more retired than Rasputin.

Instead Mickey becomes some rich dudes meal ticket.

Cricketers aren’t commodities.

And if the man wants to call em Muppets and Jokers, good on him.

F*ck the fascist insect that preys upon the common people.

Viva La Mickey (Marvin) I say.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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