Tag Archives: sehwag

I am Sehwag

I don’t often do extracts from others on this site, but when I read this story on India and Cricket by Wright Thompson, I just felt the need to show it to you. It’s one of the best pieces I’ve ever read, on anything.

Since it is about 10,000 words, I won’t put it all here, but if you like this, you should definitely read the rest.

I am Sehwag.

As Sachin grew up watching Sunil, Sehwag grew up watching Sachin. He saw Sachin’s aggressive stance. He took what he saw, internalized it and spat out something new, something dangerous, even. There’s a reason some old-school fans find him vulgar, and Deepak screams his name.

Where does something like that come from?

We leave Deepchand’s house and drive toward the airport, past the endless storefronts featuring posters of bodybuilders. Strength is in. Out on the edges of Delhi, huge apartment buildings stretch to the horizon. Ugly concrete boxes, row after row of them. If Bruce Springsteen were from India, he’d sing about these streets. There are things being built here. There are things being torn down. A shepherd drives a flock of sheep down the road, turning them into a weedy lot, the proposed site of a cultural center. He wears a red turban, carries a staff.

Sehwag grew up in these badlands. He saw Sachin through the prism of the gritty world around him, looking past the grace to the power. Before Sehwag, Indian opening batsmen were supposed to take the shine off the ball. That’s the cricket phrase. Take the shine off. Break it in. Wear down the bowler. Sehwag would take the shine off by going for fours and sixes. He got a reputation for dogging it on singles. And if Sachin gave birth to Sehwag, then a whole group of younger sluggers have taken it a step further. At least Sehwag still plays Test cricket. Some newer stars don’t.

The Indian team is a blunt object, 15 men created not in the image of Tendulkar, exactly, but in the image of the new India that he both inspired and represented. Sachin carried the team alone in the ’90s, but in the past decade a generation of hyperaggressive Indian stars came of age. Former captain Sourav Ganguly ripped off his shirt and twirled it above his head on the balcony of the uptight Lord’s Cricket Ground in London. They are celebrities now. They frighten opposing bowlers. They themselves are not afraid. Two years ago, the team changed its jerseys from powder blue to a deeper color. It seemed less meek.

I am Sehwag.

“The aggression, the brashness,” says Bhattacharya, the cricket writer turned novelist. “It’s now something which Indians see that this is what we have to do to assert our place in the world. We’ve been f—ed over for thousands of years. Everyone has conquered us. Now we’re finding our voice. We’re the fastest-growing economy in the world. We are going to buy your companies. Our cricket team is like going to f—ing abuse you back, and we’re going to win and we’re going to shout in your face after we win. People love that.”

We turn on Najafgarh Road. Shop workers give us directions. Everyone knows The Butcher. In the midst of this urban blight, there is a single planted field. This all used to be farmland. Now there are big piles of sand, the dust of something old waiting to become something new. White smoke rises from burning trash. Mechanics fixing motorcycles on the sidewalk tell us to take a right at the feeble old tree past the shrine to the monkey god.

This is Sehwag’s street.

When his father died, the neighbors tell us, he moved his mother to a nice place in central Delhi. Other family members live in the house now. There, they point. That’s his aunt. The home is down an alley, where Sehwag used to pound cricket balls. “He was always a long hitter,” a man says.

The house has a big black gate and a bamboo fence to offer privacy for the patio. There’s an orange lantern and a rooftop terrace. It’s the middle-class home that Deepchand dreams of for his family. This is the home of a grain merchant who moved to the city from a village, wanting to build a new life.

Sachin is the son of a poet.

Sehwag is the son of man who sold wheat and rice.

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For Sehwagology the bell tolls

This morning I was sleeping while Sehwag was giving a rabble rousing sermon with some assistance by the former test nation from New Zealand.

That is ok, I think of all the prophets, in all the religions, I doubt there is any who respect sleep more than Sehwag.

Also I believe I have enough Sehwagology in my life.  Sure, another sermon would be fun and fulfilling, but I’m all good.

However, as rich politicians always say, there are a lot of people out there doing it tough, and perhaps they needed a bit of a help from Sehwag.

Now if they saw this innings, it’s all good, but if not, they’ve just missed out on an injection of life. A pure hit of adrenaline straight into their eyeballs. Which sounds much worse than it is.

With a whole world of Sehwagolosists out there, some of them are going to miss his best work. It doesn’t have to be this way.

What we need is some sort of system to inform everyone.

At first I thought an iphone app, then I was told that several billions of people don’t have iphones, and the truly under privileged don’t even have a blackberry.

Then I thought of automated phone calls.  It was then pointed out that it wouldn’t work because of the sheer number of people who need sehwagology, and the limited phone connections in rural backwaters like New Texas.

Luckily I had a moment of inspiration inspired by the mother of Curtly Ambrose.

Ring the bell.

All Sehwagologists should carry bells with them, and have bells installed in their homes, so they can ring the bells when Sehwag is on the rampage.

Imagine it, you’re having a snooze in the afternoon, looking for autoerotic asphyxiation porn, in a business meeting or studying calculus and suddenly you hear multiple bells ringing.  You turn on whatever device you get your cricket from and listen, watch or read what Sehwag is giving you.

It means that you’ll probably never miss another important Sehwag innings in your life.

Plus Sehwagologists can be known as the bell ringers.  Which, as far as cults go, is not the shittest name ever.

Ring that bell, people, ring it fast and reckless.

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Live Sehwagology

Today I saw paradise, heaven and Johnny Cash’s tour bus.

And I saw it all live.

I could smell buddha, touch jesus and share an iced cream with muhammad.

I was skating with angels.

All of this happened in a wonderful place called Dambulla.

The pitch was sticky, the batsmen tentative, and the bowlers on top.

That was until our hero walked in.

That plump little man without a number on his back.

While others tried to bat, he batted.

It was as if he knew one of most devout the sehwagologists was there, and he reached out and touched me.

That is what Sehwag does, he reaches out and touches people, hard.

I could feel his pulsating talent all over me, and so could many others.

If you are a sehwagologist and you’ve seen him fail in real life that means you don’t believe enough.

It means that as a sehwagologist you are struggling.

You’re running tight singles, leaving balls you should be smashing and you aren’t just seeing ball and hitting ball.

Ofcourse, I am not a perfect Sehwagologist either.

I could have seen this balding prophet make his hundred, but something held me back.

Perhaps I’ll never know what it was, but he knew, and thusly he remained on 99*.

It was an important lesson, and one I will treasure.

It meant, you are close, but you don’t quite get it yet, come see me when you do and I’ll make a hundred so good you’ll need three pairs of spare undies.

Today I saw the right way to live through the eternal flame of awesomeness that is Sehwag’s batting.

Life can be tough, he showed us this, but you can still be better than everyone else just by following his teachings.

Now, go, love, fuck, hug and do everything that sehwag has taught us.

You can never go wrong, if you follow his batting.

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Sehwag proves Quantum Mechanics

Not everyone wants to believe in Quantum mechanics. In order to believe it you have to forget everthing you have ever believed and start boring your friends.

Most people just can’t be assed.

Until yesterday I thought Quantum Mechanics was the biggest load of wank outside of healing crystals.

Now I do not.

And yet again it is our leader of Sehwagology who showed me the way.

Today he cut down the Saffas again.

It was Sehwagology at its best, he was batting in warp speed for a while, then he took a break, before amping up and making the Saffa bowlers look silly.

JP Duminy would not be a popular man tonight (Can’t bat, can’t catch, can bowl).

At one stage Morne Morkel bowled what seemed at the time to be an innocuous short ball wide of off stump, but I should know by now that when watching Sehwag no ball is insignificant.

This ball was cut to the fence.

The story could end there, except that Sehwag is something else.

When his bat hit the cut shot, the ball was on his bat and at the fence, simultaneously.

He hit the ball so hard that he proved a pseudo science true.

Quantum Mechanics (if the film What the bleed do we know kept me awake long enough for me to learn anything) means that things can and are in two places at once.

I don’t know all the details, as Marlee Matlin’s beret was the real philosophical question I remember from that film, but Sehwag definitely had the ball on his bat and on the fence at the same time.

Sorry to blow your mind with this.

People who believe in quantum mechanics usually end up really annoying people at parties, but if Sehwag deemed it important enough to show us, who am I to hide it from you.

I was thinking of renaming it Sehwachanics, but that would be shit.

Enjoy the new world.

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intruders and draws

A couple of years back a dude broke into my house.

Unfortunately I was home at the time.

The dude saw me, ran off and stole a virtually worthless laptop.

He has never come back.

Having intruders in your home sucks a fair chunk of ass.

India recently invited an intruder to their house in a macho manoeuvre to show their superiority, then 11 big bastards turned up and mugged their team.

In the last 10 years India have beaten South Africa at home once, lost once, drawn once, and now can only win or draw.

That must hurt.

India has seen South Africa choke in big tournaments, struggle against England and only win one series against Australia (a team India has done pretty well against).

India have only ever won two series against South Africa, there first was back when I had only had sex once, and was wearing out copy of Basic Instinct on VHS.

The other was over 5 years ago.

It should be mentioned that India are pretty good at home.

So when an intruder (invited or otherwise) comes in to where you are good, and makes you less than good, that is really less than good. Exactly.

India has already given this series up, but a draw is needed to keep some sort of faith.

The way modern test series have gone of late, well at least those with England in them, a win after a loss by over an innings is possible.

India have even tried to pick a test team for this match, although I am pissed off they have abandoned the New Zealand tactic of employing two keepers in a game.

India losing the first test sort of ended this as a legitimate title fight (South Africa ruined their part in it by not beating England at home); the only result that could possibly explain the world of cricket right now would be India winning this test to draw the series.

When the best Test cricket can do is a hasty two test world championship series (if two tests is really a series, and it isn’t) between a side that can’t beat the heavyweights away from home and a side that coming into the series has won 2 of 8 tests it deserves nothing more than a draw.

It doesn’t even deserve Dale Steyn or Sehwag.

Those two should be rested on grounds of unnatural awesomeness.

This series deserves more Paul Harris.

2010: where mediocrity ruled the world.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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Sehwagology celebrates this day

To me this is a pretty special day.

The first day I am a printed published author.

Obviously some very special men thought it was a special day as well.

To celebrate this event the GOD Sehwag hit 146 off 102 balls.

Considering our prophet never hardly ever makes runs in one dayers, it is quite clear that he did this in support of me, his loudest cleric.

But it didn’t stop there, is padawan learner Dilshan also stepped in and 160 off 124 came.

That would have been enough.

Two sehwagologists slaying bowlers on this demon of a pitch to celebrate my book.

There was one more surprise though, one more player had something to say.

And not just any player, but the King, King Kumar.

Not a sehwagologist, but a man so cool that watching him bat is like drinking lemonade on a hot day.

He came out and put the cherry on top of the cherries with 90 off 43.

Wow.

I am stunned guys.

I don’t know what to say.

Thank you all very much.

Praise Sehwagology.

And as an extra special miracle the book is now available on flipkart. Sort of.

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293 is better than what you can do

Sure we’re disappointed.

We wanted our prophet to take us into the promise land.

But he gave us 293 reasons to be joyful.

There were dirty slogs, vicious cuts, effortless heaves, tactical drives, fairy floss guides, flat bat fuck offs, arrogant reverses and every kind of shot you needed to see.

And think of the extra tension he brought us by just being in over night.

The hope.

The anticipation.

The lust.

It is even possible that he was teaching us a lesson.

We all got ahead of ourselves; we were looking at 300, 401, 502 and drooling.

Maybe he just went, “let me teach them patience”.

Lesson learned.

While I am heartbroken he went out, and fucken tired it is 4AM here, I feel honoured to have stayed up all night to see an innings like this expire.

Thanks for yesterday.

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Sehwag Saves

This is not an innings.

An innings has a fielding team.

It has a batsman at the other end.

There would also be spectators and commentators.

This has none of that.

This is a spiritual awakening.

A scream in the ear of the doubters.

A club to the head of the non-believers.

A nuke bomb to the groin of the heretics.

This wasn’t an attack on Sri Lanka, this was one man conquering the world, fixing its ills, and turning on every single human being at the same time.

Erotic conquering for peace; with a bat.

Everyone seeing this innings is having spiritual sexual intercourse.

There is a reason I say seeing, not seen, because this innings is so good that it should never be talked about in past tense.

I suggest the people who are at the ground today should all kill themselves. How on earth are they ever going to top this innings? Either that or all run naked from the ground chanting the great one’s name.

When the day finished, a microphone was thrust into the prophet’s face, just like at Nazareth, and the man said, “I see the ball and I try and hit the ball”.

I SEE the ball, and I TRY and HIT the ball.

Live by this my children.

Forget all your archaic religious practices, stop worshipping at the feet of some coked up rocker, put down all the books, just watch this man/prophet/god/force and you will get everything you need for life.

HE IS SEHWAG. YOU ARE SAVED.

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sehwag in a wool cap

I have just finished watching Sehwag make his hundred, via highlights.

Editors have not yet worked out that for Sehwag highlights are not required, he is highlights.

Every ball he faces should be shown.

But overlooking poor judgement from editors, what a knock.

Poor Mendis was fucked so hard he was left bleeding from his ear.

Murali was dismissed as a club bowler.

And Herath’s magical new ball was hoicked without a care in the world.

The best thing about the innings had to be Sehwag batting in a proper woolen cap.

What a sight that was.

I think I sighed.

Watching him swing the ball to all parts is always a religious experience, but with the cap on it took it to a new level.

I thought Dilshan, is padawan learner, was cool with the flowing locks going wild in the wind when facing the spinners, but Sehwag just trumped him.

Yesterday he showed the world why they should be sehwagologists.

That is why he gets a mention in things he shouldn’t.

From next year on I shall done a blue cap in honour of this majestical mystical icon.

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