Tagged with sachin tendulkar …

Jul 19 2010
12 Comments
when freddie became jesus

Inspired by Sachin – When Freddie Became Jesus: Sperm edition

With Sachin out there selling a book with his blood in it, I thought it was time for me to get in on the act.

If you would like a special edition limited release copy of When Freddie Became Jesus you can buy it for $10,000.

Every copy will have a genuine sample of my sperm in it.

Not just on one page either, I value my customers, I’ll spread it out, inside the front and back cover, and spread liberally throughout the book at random intervals.

There will only be about 7 books with this special little gift in them, they will be numbered and signed (in pen).

For those who can’t afford $10,000 dollars, we also have an urine stained selection for $500 that comes with a bonus pubic hair.

I expect these to go fast though, as they are limited to about 25, well I think I can do that many.

Can you think of anything better than reading a book and having the author right there with you, his bodily fluids positively flowing out of the pages.

The ultimate reading experience.

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Jun 17 2010
21 Comments
indians

Sachin Tendulkar Exclusive

Last night I went to spin magazines night with IOB in which he talked about his ass injury.  Twas a good night, but the highlight was meeting someone who had met Sachin Tendulkar.

It wasn’t a highlight because she had met him, but because when someone suggested she ask Sachin a question, she asked him what his favourite cheese was.

I know.

Apparently Sachin said that was a very good question, which just shows how ridiculously polite he is, I might have just laughed in her face, or (if I was Sachin) gathered other people over to laugh at her.

But the answer might just unlock the secret of batting, Sachin said, “You know, I don’t really like cheese.”

And there it is.

A batting secret given to us by a master.  I don’t really like cheese.

Ofcourse he doesn’t like cheese, it clogs him up, it clogs up everyone, but our parents still gave us cheese as a child and we stupidly ate it instead of just becoming batting gods.

We are all idiots.

I wonder what else Sachin doesn’t like, and not just food, maybe he never watched Bill & Teds excellent adventure, or he never listened to Milli Vanilli.  For all we know he may have never eaten an ice cream or asked another child to touch his thingy.

Those we will never know, but he has given us one secret, and we must respect that.

Cheese stops runs, that we now know, too late for most of us, but hopefully there is some kid out there reading this who goes on to become the next big thing, and thanks us for telling him about the secret of cheese and batting.

Thank you, Sachin.

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Jun 15 2010
13 Comments
general balls

The CWB football team

I’ve decided to pick a team of football from what cricket has to offer.  It wouldn’t win the world cup, but I think I’d enjoy watching them play.

Striker

Sachin– sure he is not gifted with the most athletic frame, but like a non mental Diego Maradonna more than makes up with it with the ability to score at will and carry a team.  Has had some pretty handy world cups already.

Striker

Pollard – big strong and has great club form, picked for his ability to turn only a few opportunities into goals.  People worry that he has never done anything at international level to justify his millionaire status.  He doesn’t seem to mind.  Probably not adverse to the odd dive and handy with headers.

Left Midfield

Sulieman Benn – Occasional brilliance is often overshadowed by talk of his height and temper.  Only player to be sent off by his own captain after a bad tackle and bad attitude.  It is never clear if he ever tries to actually hit the ball in a tackle.

Centre Midfield

Ponting– Scores more than most, but is still a very heavy handed defender.  Is quick, plays well of both feet, is a winner, but can lose his temper at times. Has won at the top level a few times before. Doesn’t like being substituted.

Centre Midfield

Mark Boucher – A tough team player.  Like a rugged family sedan, once you have him there you’d know that spot was well taken care of.  Yet you’d still drop him from time to time to see if you have someone younger or flashier.  He might misread how much injury time is left in big games.

Right Midfield

Paul Collingwood – Often thought of as nothing more than a defender who plays midfield, yet he can score on occasions and is always important at the end of matches.  Only has a right foot, and this often makes his ungainly style look even uglier than it would normally.

Left Back

Ray Price – Hard as nails, ready to hack you just for fun, always slower than the men he is defending.  No one ever gets past him with the ball and their shins.

Centre Back

Charl Langeveldt – Steady, consistent, easily droppable, and dependable.  He will have been in and out of the team for years.  The sort of defender that gets no headlines but does the job when you can’t find anyone better.

Centre Back

Kumar – Silky smooth defender that makes the opposition strikers feel ungainly in comparison.  Always takes a piece of the ball, is the captain, penalty taker, and pin up boy of the team.  Also the most likely to put off the opposition when they’re taking a penalty.

Right Back

Harbhajan Singh – An attacking insane defender who loves to take free kicks from 40 yards believing that he can score a goal.  Mostly he’ll miss by a mile, but every now and then he’ll score.  Will also be red carded for the occasional slap.

Keeper

Rahul Dravid – Nothing gets past Rahul.  Sure there are times he is less animated than an East German goal keeper, but would you ever back yourself to get through him?

Manager

Jamie Siddons – All the best managers have trouble keeping their emotions in check, Siddonds fits  this well.  With him in full view of the cameras you can really see the veins almost explode in his head as the other team score.

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May 06 2010
14 Comments
general balls

Sachin Tendulkar does the twitter

In a world of hate, pain and Justin Bieber, it is good to know there is someone as pure as Sachin Tendulkar.

He is the moral compass of the world, and without him we would be nothing but angry animals flinging faeces at each other.

This is how twitter used to be, not now, because by clicking @sachin_rt you can be saved by the man himself.

So far Sachin’s twitter form has been patchy.

This photo is clearly the highlight.

By the way this time its real me. No more wrong info... Good ... on Twitpic

News of Sachin has spread fast, he is gaining new followers at the rate of 1000 every second, or more, it was changing so fast I couldn’t do the numbers.

And people can’t wait to talk to their man:

“u rock man… just want to get ur dedication level.. we can’t even think of indian cricket without u !!!”

“@cubicile_blues: Twitter does not need to verify @sachin_rt. @sachin_rt has just verified that this is the real Twitter”

“the peoples following rate is amazing and count increases each and every sec. Ur the God and u prove it Sachin!! Lov u!!!”

“If nothing else, @sachin_rt brought many zombie tweeter users to life.”

“@Sidin: Dear @sachin_rt, is it true you once said Sreesanth is the best bowler you’ve ever faced? Thanks.”

“Finally the God of Cricket is on Twitter…..”

“The only record left for him 2 break is max number of followers:-)”

“IT IS A GR8 DAY.. THE GOD OF CRICKET ON TWITTER ..NW U WL B MORE CLOSE TO US THE COMMON PPL OF INDIA WHO LOOK AT YOU AS A GR8 MAN”

“Please @sachin_rt quit twitter. I dont want you to follow @LalitKModi”.

People are already hoping that Sachin gets more followers than Ashton Kutcher, but I think that would be mean. Kutcher is the Charles Coventry of Hollywood, at least leave him with something, Sachin, well something other than Demi Moore.

If you feel the need to stalk players on twitter here is a list I created earlier. Or you can stalk me.

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Apr 21 2010
52 Comments
IPL

Sachin and Rahul – Australian cricket legends

Sachin Tendulkar and Rahul Dravid have played international cricket with each other for over 14 years.

They probably know what each other likes for breakfast, what they clothing they sleep in and what kind of dirty films they like to watch.

They’ve shared the highs of beating Australia in Australia and the low of playing with Agit Agarkar.

So when Rahul edges a ball to slip and Sachin claims the catch you expect nothing more than Rahul trudging off.

That didn’t happen.

Instead Rahul stood his ground.

It was a glorious moment.

As he stood his ground I felt bonded to Rahul, I believe walking is for people who don’t own cars to take through the drive-thru at Maccas.

And here was Rahul, doubting the word that many people count as the word of God in India.

That takes balls, but it also takes a certain amount of miss-trust.

If Rahul was Ricky Ponting and Sachin was Steve Waugh, you’d expect this type of miss-trust. Australians don’t walk when their mother tells them she has claimed the catch, especially our mothers.

This was India, and thusly, funny as hell.

Had Rahul been wrong, it might have not been as funny, but he was not wrong to stay at the crease.

It was one of “those” catches. The sort that Andrew Strauss and Ab DeVilliers have claimed only to look like dirty assed cheats later on. One that on the close in replay looked like there was more than a touch of grass on it.

Ofcourse all of these catches close to the ground are hard to take a firm stance on, the ball looked like it hit the ground, but it looked like from straight on, and they often do. From straight on the ground has no arch, and Sky tests have shown that balls that are caught clean can look like they hit the ground.

Who knows whether Sachin’s was a case of cheating or 2D trickery? I prefer to think of him as cheating, as that makes him more like me, and I like him more for that.

It was by far the most interesting part of the IPL semi final since no one turned up to cuff Modi.

It was also a lovely bit of unsporting Australian style cricket by two Indian legends.

I’ve never been prouder.

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Feb 24 2010
indians

Sachin Tendulkar & the Art of Sado-Masochism

Until today, the one thing missing from Sachin Tendulkar’s extensive cricketing portfolio was a proper world record, one that counted for most people.

Ok, so he’s scored more Test tons than anyone else. On the other hand, not one of those 47 hundreds has seen him pass 250. Granted, neither did Border or Waugh, but neither of them aspired to be regarded as the greatest Test batsman of all time.

And when you think of the greatest ODI batsmen of all time, you probably think of the power hitters, the Richardses, Jayasurias and Gilchrists of this world. But not the man who now holds that elusive record for a highest score – and in doing so made the first double hundred in ODI history, too. That latter point is no mean feat – there have been over a thousand more ODIs than Test matches, so it has taken almost as long for someone to make a 200 in ODI cricket as it took someone to make a 400 in the longest form of the game.

It was a very different kind of innings to Lara’s 400, too. That was a knock of pure tedium, one man selfishly grinding his way to a record total in a dead rubber against an attack which included Gareth Batty.

Tendulkar, on the other hand, faced the world’s number one bowler, opened the batting and brutalised an entire attack. It was the cricketing equivalent of shagging someone so long and so hard that you both know you are going to wake up sore in the morning, but keeping doing it because you’re having fun and you know that, in some sort of masochistic way, they are, too.

Whatever you might think of the man, this was one hell of an innings.

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Feb 24 2010
indians

Sachin makes 200

Usually in a moment like this I would try and write some epic piece.

Not today.

Sachin Tendulkar made 200* in a one day international.

There is nothing to say.

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Dec 22 2009
indians

Dinesh Karthik kills bambi

Oh the humanity.

How do we let people like Karthik on the streets that our children play on.

The man is a monster.

You know what he did, and you are justifiably appalled by it.

Ensuring your team gets a victory ahead of allowing a man with more hundreds than anyone else get another one.

Does it get much lower than that.

Sure the Karthik sympathisers might try and say, the ball was on his pads, all he did was try and get bat on it, why didn’t Sachin really go for his hundred, and why didn’t Sachin run a two the last ball he faced, but these people are low filthy scum that don’t deserve to live in a world with free pornography available for all.

Hanging is too good for Karthik.

The filthy swine.

Some people may say I am overreacting, but they didn’t see how torn up Sachin was.

The poor little guy.

That six he hit was Un-Indian, and anyone who does that is no friend of cricket, or life itself.

He didn’t just stop Sachin from making a hundred, he pretty much reached into his chest, grabbed his heart, pulled it out, threw it on the ground, and kicked dirt onto it. DIRT.

When you deny Sachin a hundred you are essentially defecating on the very essence of the spirit of cricket.

But you like that, don’t you, Dinesh.

Based on Dinesh’s actions I have decided not to bring a child into this world, with people like him around, how could I?

ashes 2009: when freddie became jesus

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Nov 05 2009
indians

Sachin and 10 other dudes

Years ago I saw Michael Jordan’s last ever 40 point game. It was when he was with the Wizards. By halfway through the 3rd term it became obvious that no one in the stadium gave a shit about the result of the game.

They were all there for Jordan, and since he was putting on a vintage display, the game just faded away.

I have no idea what the result of the game was. I do remember some of Jordan’s reverse lay ups, some fade aways, and him pick pocketing Jason Kidd. After the game we got back to our Hostel and there were about 40 people with Jordan singlets on.

I can only image that is what people will feel like today. Some people might remember the game, but even with Australia winning this becomes Sachin’s game.

When Sachin caught White off the last ball of the innings, he threw the ball into the ground in a very pissed off manner. He knew India had played pretty ordinary to let Australia score 350.

Sachin wasn’t the only one, Dhoni ran off the ground without his team mates, Yuvraj and Praveen Kumar were still in conversation about a piece of lazy assed fielding. The senior players knew that they had been gifted a weak Australian side and they were in danger of losing.

Sehwag batted as he always does. Gautam City looked in an odd mood. Neither Dhoni or Yuvraj seemed quite on it. Raina had a lot of luck, but eventually went out to an ugly shot. Bhajji never got started. Jadeja kept pusihing the limits of sensible running. Praveen tried his hardest. Ashish and Patel were never going to get it done.

Those were the ten dudes. A collection of shit hot batsmen who were made to look like dribbling fools compared to Sachin.

He scored over half the runs, passed some unimportant milestone, seemed to be dragging Raina and Jadeja by the neck like kittens, and then eventually went out to a shot that wasn’t even thought of when he started playing.

India didn’t deserve to win, but Sachin did. I wanted him to make 200 and win the game, but he came up short and had pretty much no help at all.

I could go on about his innings, but he said it best.

“I was striking the ball pretty well”.

Yes, you were.

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May 11 2009
county cricket

Eoin’s freakshot

Eoin Morgan just played the most amazing shot I have ever seen.

Doug Marillier and his scoop are out.

KP and the switch-hit look lame.

I am not sure what this one could even be called.

Essentially he set himself up for the reverse sweep, without changing his hand position or leg position.

As he went to sweep, with his right leg forward (he is a cack hander) and the ball was put down his leg side, which was now sort of his off side, and he obviously thought it was too much of a stretch to play the reverse sweep.

What happened next was pure freak show.

Morgan readjusted his shot and while still standing in this side on left foot forward stance, he played the ball to short fine leg with a backwards straight bat flick drive.

It only went for a single, but the fact that he played it, and did it like he was playing a normal shot was… something.

Geraint Jones wasn’t even watching where the ball went, he was just staring at Eoin like he had just seen a Giraffe dressed as a human whistling show tunes jumping on a trampoline.

He middled a ball facing the wrong way with a straight bat.

This wasn’t a guide, scoop or deflection, all of which he does a lot, this was a reverse backwards wrist drive.

I doubt anyone else will play it, I can’t think of any player outside of Sachin Tendulkar who could.

You need wrists made of rubber, and an eye like Sachin’s to even think of playing it.

I also assume it helps if you are 130* at the time.

Robert Croft described it as something you would pay a tenner to see it at a circus.

Fair call.

EDIT: Lauren has alerted us to it on youtube (already?)

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