It’s the ultimate mark of respect for Sachin, and only non believers would do less.

But every time I went to sleep, something bothered me.

One hundred seemed to be missing.

Sometime in 1998 I seem to remember Sachin making a hundred against New Zealand or Sri Lanka in Asia or the middle east or something.

It was about 107 off 144 balls on a pitch that was slower than you’d think, but Sachin had the requisite skill, patience and courage to get through it.

I seem to remember some exquisite drives, awesome work off his pads and he was particularly harsh on the spinners. Yeah, you remember it too, don’t you.

It wasn’t the best innings of his career, nor the worst, it was just a purely forgettable ODI knock that for some reason, was never put into the ICC database.

Things like that happened all the time, Ian Harvey’s 7 wicket haul against South Africa was never recorded either. There was a lot of meaningless cricket in the late 90s, unlike now, and things got missed.

The good news is, with this hundred rightfully recognised, it means that Sachin has made 100 international hundreds.

I knew you could do it, Sachin, or should I say, I knew you’d done it, Sachin.

What an achievement, imagine how old and good you need to be to do that, pretty good, very old.

Now Sachin doesn’t need to feel awkward from the moment he raises his bat at 50, web site designers don’t have to change the formatting of stats pages to have number of international hundreds on them and the rest of us can go back to not caring how many international hundreds batsmen have.

So, it’s all-good now, yeah.

Hail Sachin, the king of kings, the 100 of hundreds, the grand poohbah of the willow, you are statistically freaky in the best possible way.

But no need for too much celebrations, because you scored your 100th 100 ages ago, and it was grand, I’m sure, I just don’t really remember it.

Unlike this 107 in Asia, or the middle east, against Sri Lanka, or New Zealand, around 199, or so, which I remember very clearly.

Sure, I could have taken in to the grave, so that only Sachin and I knew the real truth.

Some may see it as the honourable thing to do.

Why sully Sachin’s name just so you can sell your book?

But truth is also important, and what are we if we hide the truth to make our heroes look less human.

If you prick Sachin, does he not bleed and tell you to stop pricking him?

Sachin is human, which is a good trait, and because of this and my desire to sell copies of my book let me tell you about the time I saw Sachin blink.

It was a warm day in December, there was a warm northerly blowing and my girlfriend of the time had decided to come to Victoria Vs India with me.

Before we got to the ground she was complaining, it was never going to be a good day.

Earlier in the match I’d seen the ego of Hodge annoy Ganguly by batting for days.

Now I was just there to see Sachin bat.

He didn’t.

Sehwag came and went, as did the man playing cricket just so he has something to write about, at 3 Dravid should have come in but instead it was some random dude that no one wants to remember, and so Dravid didn’t come in till 4. Shortly after the game was abandoned to ensure that no one committed suicide from boredom.

Sachin was due to come in next.

the crowd of 300 Indian students and my girlfriend and I were ripped off.

During the day, to avoid any sort of conversation with my girlfriend, I spent most of my time looking at Sachin in the dugout.

To be honest, he didn’t do much, he had the look of a man who wished he had a good book but instead was being chatted to by Ganguly.

At one stage Cameron White started warming up, earlier in that match he had taken 4/59 in a blistering attack on everything Indian.

It was perhaps the greatest spell of legspin in that match.

White tugged up his shirt sleeves with a pinching manoeuvre and then whirled his large shoulders around in masculine artistry as Sachin watched on intently.

With the shoulders a blur of frenzied excitement, Sachin blinked ever so slightly.

It was a short blink even by blinking standards, and I doubt anyone else even saw it, but I did.

As his eyes shut I assume Sachin saw into the future to see what a force Cameron White would be and went about finding a way to destroy him.

It may have been Sachin’s only ever blink, but he used it wisely.

Years later Sachin would be dismissed by White in a test match, he allowed this to throw people off the trail.

No one has seen him blink since that day.

When you or I blink, it shows our weakness because we are providing moisture to the eye by irrigation using tears and a lubricant the eyes secrete.

When Sachin blinks, it shows he is human and superhuman at the same time.

There is no account of Sachin’s eyes or Cameron White’s shoulders in my latest book.

So then what?

All you can really do is test the new facilities of the press box.

So while Gambhir and Dravid seemed to have the situation under control, I christened the toilets for the Warwickshire board.

There I was, enjoying myself, it came out well, seemed to float, and reinforced my new decision to eat a lot of spinach.

I couldn’t hear the cricket, I’d had forgotten my stupid little radio that never works.

Then all of a sudden there was a deep voice that said, Sachin Tendulkar.

That was all.

I was alone in the toilet having strange voices beaming the name of one man.

It instantly had more meaning than anything I had ever heard before.

Surely this low toned man was the voice of an angel, and he had chosen this moment to pass on the name of Sachin Tendulkar so that I knew something special was about to happen.

This voice was aimed squarely at me. It wasn’t an accident. It was kismet.

I came out of the toilet feeling like I had been touched by something larger than me that really mattered.

It was spiritual and crickety, and my outlook had been changed by it.

Then I noticed that Sachin Tendulkar was out in the middle, and I thought that maybe I’d had some sort of vision or calling, dragging me from the newly polished special press toilets out to see Sachin.

It turned out that it was actually that the Edgbaston press boxes weird have a weird PA system that just picks and chooses words it pipes through the back of the building.

It was handy to know when a batsman was coming out, especially since these toilets seem soundproofed to stop people from inside the box hearing people do their business.

But it wasn’t really the spiritual experience I was looking for.

For some people that is a scary thought.

It doesn’t have to be.

In a 1000 years when India is running the entire planet, and maybe a few others, people shall use After Sachin, or the term AS as a way of counting the years.

Everything before his career started could be simply, BT, or more aptly for some, BS. For instance, the year 2987 AD would become, 1 BS.

2000 years of some other dude is more than enough anyway, the world needs a new hero, and our Indian overlords have given us Sachin, it seems kind of stupid not to use him.

Unlike Jesus, who all we have to prove his existence is some rumours of magic tricks and potential grave robbing, with Sachin we have youtube.

Digital archaeologists will just have to fire up old computers and look at the clips, whilst reading the comments underneath to know how much love and respect we have for one another.

There might be some cynical new age types who suggest that the videos are faked, that he was just an actor, like the other known fraudster god, Tom Cruise, and that Sachin is nothing more than a false prophet.

There will also be some will also think that while Sachin was important, Joey from Blossom was the real messiah.

But, who cares about these Joeites, true believers will know that Sachin is the only saviour of humanity. Fuck them anyway, they can believe what they want, the year is 3011 AS, he’s already beaten them.

And when our descendants sit down on Sachmas day, eating korma and watching their kids open up their Virender Claus presents, they’ll have a jolly good time.

I wouldn’t, but I get it.

So here is my guide for what players you should turn gay for depending on what kind of sex you’re looking for.

Brendan Nash – If you’re looking for a doting partner who will always cuddle with you, Nash is your man.  Will do everything he needs to do to make sure you are happy.  He’s not stylish or that sexy, but he’s a good bloke.  The second hand Volvo of Gay sex.

Shahid Afridi – rough sex in the back of a taxi, random encounters in parks and lewd relations in shady hotels, he offers it all.  If you’re looking for no commitment and short sharp burst, Afiridi is your man.  May leave you unsatisfied at times, but that’s part of the fun.  Is most probably a selfish top.

Peter Borren – do you like to feel intimidated by your partner?  Some men would need to tie you up and put ball gags in your mouth to make you feel subservient to them, with Borren, it’s just one look.  Ofcourse, not perfect for introducing to your parents, as he will scare them to death.

Sachin Tendulkar – Who doesn’t want to fuck the most famous man in cricket.  I can’t imagine that in life Sachin does anything badly, so that should mean that in bed he’s a cracker at the sexy sexing.  Bonus points for fucking a living God.

Doug Bollinger – Not everyone wants a thinking man, some want one who is all about actions.  Douggie is perfect for this.  If you can rate someone in bed by the way they dance, Douggie is hilarious in bed.  He’s a man’s man, he’ll try all day, he’s willing to fix his appearance and he’ll make you laugh.  Like a pet that is house trained that you can legally fuck.

Jesse Ryder – cricket’s most eligible bear.  If you’re a cub looking for a big strong man to place it in your gaps, Jesse has to be the man you want.

JP Duminy – Perhaps the opposite of a bear, he’s a twink.  Having still not completely come to terms with his game, so now is the perfect time to become his sugar daddy and take care of him.  Buy him a car, show him how to face the short ball and watch how he performs for you.

Salman Butt – fuck him.  Hard.

Ajantha Mendis – looking for something a little different, freaky, and mysterious.  Mendis’ fingers have it all.  Although, once you’ve worked out all his little tricks, you can always move on to Randiv or Herath.

And ladies, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, if you’re a lady looking to go gay, may I suggest…

Claire Taylor – Probably the biggest catch in world cricket if you’re a woman looking to turn.  She is perfect in every single situation.  You could claim that she isn’t the most stylish, but her results speak for themselves.  Taylor will think herself through every situation, which bodes well for the boudoir.

Mithali Raj – If you’re not as worried about performance, but just want the best looking woman on your arm as you enter the clubs, Mithali is that.  Her cover drive is so sexy that if the entire world watched it together it would create a tsunami of sex juice that would kill us all.  Probably more interested in looking good than being good, but that’s why you turned for her in the first place.

Personally, I turned gay for a pull shot from Matthew Elliott against Allan Donald, alas, the pull shot didn’t have any feelings for me.  So I decided I’d have to become straight.

Snicko can’t be used because it takes too long and is easily cheated with. The whole thing costs people money and no one wants to pay for it. It takes too long. The weapons systems need to be set up manually which they often are incorrectly. Hot spot can be cheated. Sachin is against it. Simon Katich and Daryl Harper both are often involved.

All that said, it is here and now. We can all do barroom pontification on why democracy is a majorly flawed system of governance, but with an army of millions of the world’s poor and the backing of Ashton Kutcher and Stephen Fry on twitter there is little we can do to change it.

UDRS is like democracy.

And in this world cup we don’t even have a strong democracy, but a half a democracy with severeal of our rights not even being used.

Still, on the face of it fewer mistakes are made, wrongs are righted, and we all go home just not sad enough that we want to upset the world balance.

Then Ian Bell gets hit 2.5 metres away from the stumps. Apparently missiles can’t travel for the last 2.5 metres, so Billy trusts his original mistake.

Bell walked after seeing the video, other batsmen have been given out because of the 2.5 metre clause, and the only reason not to do it was because Billy doesn’t like to be wrong, even though you’d think he’d be used to it by now.

That this all happened against India, who have all but banned this democracy because their supreme ruler doesn’t like it, makes it even more important.

Now I’ve been on all sides of UDRS in the past. I like that it stops bad decisions, but I hate that it stops the drama and constant complaining of a truly shocking decision.

It was brought in to stop the shockers, but it spends most of its time trying to work out shades of grey, and it’s as open to interpretation as anything on the field, it just takes longer.

I like mistakes, hate it when things take time, and need to suck up to Sachin to get more hits, so I say no to UDRS.

It’s evil, boring, often wrong and doesn’t make the game better.

I want the shockers back, I want them to be instantaneous and I want the might of the Sachin Tendulkar Internet Militia to get on my side.

Anyone for the UDRS is basically questioning the sexuality and batting prowess of Sachin Tendulkar.

UDRS is as flawed as democracy and way more unnecessary. Plus it’s crap, Sachin told us so.

Yes to Sachin, No to UDRS.

Watch the Chuck Fleetwood-Smiths

Today, as we can reveal exclusively, he took his special skills further when he performed perhaps the greatest feat in test cricket, making a hundred at both ends.

While many people claimed to have seen Murali Vijay at the other end, this was actually a hologram.  Vijay is class, but he was not even at the Bangalore ground.

Sachin’s trick was necessary because the laws of cricket state that you can’t bat at both ends at once.  Sachin, like a young Bruce Wayne, wanted to spice things up a bit. And really, what is cooler than batting at both ends.

Apparently he first decided to do this when seeing Peter George and Nathan Hauritz bowl in tandem yesteryday.

“Sometimes, you can’t rely on the other batsman to get you on strike, but by being at both ends I could face them at all times”.

The trick that was done with Sachin’s special effects company – Tenduklar light and magic – and special consent from the BCCI via text message.

You might say that while Sachin’s batting was good, he has surely played better innings from just one end. It’s true, but batting at both ends is quite tiring after a while.

Most cricketers get tired just batting at one.  Plus, all those mid pitch conversations must have been weird.

“Sachin, you are god”.

“No, Sachin, you are god”.

“You’re too kind to say so, but you’re so money and you don’t even know it”.

The ICC are already looking at banning this technology, they’ve consulted Simon Katich and he is against it.

It was originally thought that Australia would be upset over the trick, but when asked, Ponting said, “Really, well, that is weird, but to be honest we probably wouldn’t have got the hologram out today, let alone another batsman. The boys tried really hard though and I hope they can have a big day tomorrow”.

Brad Hogg also discussed it, “Look, Indians really love cricket, and I don’t know what all this talk about telegrams is, but they love their cricket here, I’ll tell you that”.

Sachin and the real MS Dhoni will continue their innings tomorrow.

Bullshit.

We have the pictures that prove that Sachin is a proper fly boy on the highway to the dangerzone.

That’s right! Sun…il. I am dangerous.

You can be my wingman any time.

Any of you boys seen an aircraft-carrier around here?

Talk to me, Ravi

I want somebody’s butt, I want it now.

You already know that Sachin is on the front of the cricket sadists’ quarterly. Now I am trying to garner more sales by sucking in more Sachin fans with this taste of what appeared in the last issue. This is long, and about Sachin, so take it or leave it.

Sachin playing in your lounge

In November of 2003 I was a shift worker who spent a fair chunk of the summer watching shield games at the MCG (G).  When I found out the Indians would be playing the Victorians at the G I was always going to head down to the match.  The first day I couldn’t get to the ground because of work. That day Sachin made 80 odd as India’s top order collapsed to the left arm swing of Matthew Inness and their tail succumbed to Australia’s next white hope of leg spinning (he was then), Cameron White.  When I heard about Sachin’s score I thought about how cool it would be to see him play an innings in that great ground with virtually no spectators.  Like getting Roy Orbison to sing in your lounge room.

On day two it was all Brad Hodge, a man I had seen make many big scores to empty grounds.  There was apparently some tension between the teams about it being a result game. Then there was another problem as India declared and no one seemed to know.  Out of spite Victoria decided to then try and bat for the last two days of the game as a lesson to the Indians.  Brad Hodge very nearly batted the final two days on his own.

On day two Hodge was just a class above the fairly poor Indian attack, on paper it wasn’t poor, Nehra, Khan, and Bhajji all played, they just bowled lots of rubbish.  Hodge was using this innings as a calling card, and once Brad Hodge is settled, not even a family of maniacs with chainsaws can get him out. When Ian Harvey joined him it was a terrific partnership.  It isn’t often you got to see Harvey make runs, so for a fan of his (he was my main dude) it was terrific to watch.

I enjoyed the Vics smashing the ball around, and since I had the next day off I decided I had to come back again to see Rahul, Virender and Sachin bat without a crowd.  I doubted Victoria could bat the whole two days.  On the first two days there wouldn’t have been more than 2,000 on either day, maybe even combined.  2,000 still sounds like a lot, but in the G it feels like five people.

When my girlfriend found out about my plans, she decided to come.  She was not a cricket fan; she did like drinking at one-day games, and somehow she convinced herself that this would be like that.  Like any good boyfriend I did my best to convince her that if she did come she would be bored to death, perhaps beyond that.   Her mind was made, so after the lunch session (I figured the Vics would bat on for a while) we went down to the ground.

The third day seemed to have even fewer fans at it.  I could feel my girlfriend’s irritation the moment she arrived.  She wanted atmosphere, and instead it was whisper quiet, she went off to get drinks straight away.  The crowd was made up of the usual shield cricket sickos (of which I include myself) and Indian students (these were the days they didn’t get beaten).  The Vics were still batting, Hodge was now over 200.  It took a while but eventually Sehwag got Hodge out and soon after the Indians came back into bat.

My girlfriend was pretty happy with the start of India’s innings as Sehwag played some shots, but he was soon out (a month later he did far better at the same ground to the tune of 195). This left Akash Chopra and Sadagoppan Ramesh at the crease.  I have always rated Chopra and Ramesh looked solid.  No one wanted them to bat.  As the afternoon went on all you could hear was the name Sachin being whispered.

In the first innings Sachin had batted at five; that now seemed like a long way away.  In those days Victoria would go in with two front line bowlers and four all rounders.  They weren’t rubbish bowlers, but Harvey, Moss, White and McDonald were all more than easy to handle for these two batsmen on a pitch that was pretty flat.  Added to that was the fact that Victoria were playing a first gamer, Brett Harrop who never played again, as one of their strike bowlers.  Their other front line bowler was Inness, who was notoriously an average old ball bowler. This was all explained to my girlfriend who sighed and yawned through most of the answer even though she asked the question about when Sachin was coming in and why Victoria looked crap.

Ramesh and Chopra were hardly lighting the place up. They were both defining the word dour in what was obviously now nothing more than a net practice.  The problem was I couldn’t leave.  What if a wicket fell straight away, I’d miss seeing Rahul, or worse still, what if two fell, I’ll miss Rahul and Sachin together.  Like most casual cricket fans my girlfriend knew little about any team that wasn’t her home team.  Yes she knew Sachin was good, but he wasn’t batting, and she didn’t care about waiting for him.

On one side I had the tedium of two young guys trying to prove their worth against an attack with military medium stamped on it, and on the other was a girlfriend complaining about every facet.  This is boring ,these seats are uncomfortable, I’m burning, I’m tired, let’s go see a film, this beer is terrible, can we move seats, why doesn’t he hit that for four, Victoria are shit and no one is here.

Being a cricket sadist, the more boring the cricket got and the more annoying my girlfriend got, the more I wanted to see it through.  After all, one wicket and I would see a batting legend; two wickets and I would see an Indian god.  It was worth the headache and constant moaning.

So I sat and waited. And waited. Waited.

I know I saw the ball that got Ramesh out, but I have no idea how it happened. The scorecard says McDonald got it; that should be right; but I have no idea.  By this stage the game was in its dusk period.  It would be over soon.  There were still about 300 people left at the ground, and these were the hardcore cricket fans, here for one reason. SRT.

Being that there was no real crowd you could easily look over to the change room. All of us were (except my girlfriend who was looking to see how tanned her arms were).  I could see movement, but there was no way to tell who it was.  A kid near me asked if it was Sachin; no one answered.  Eventually the player came out, and that familiar gait was there for everyone to see.

It was obviously Rahul Dravid.  The crowd of 300 hunched or left.  I left.  I love Rahul, even more so now than I did back then, but there was some perverse thrill to seeing Sachin in this empty ground.

I have seen Sachin bat many times before and since, on three continents, in world cup finals and test matches, but I still feel a little ripped off that he didn’t come into bat that day.  Not long after, my girlfriend and I split up; we never used that day as the reason, but we both knew.

Come on, buy the magazine, it has Sachin on it.

With that, I present the cover of the second edition of the Cricket Sadists’ Quarterly.

Hopefully all those crazy people who trawl the internet looking for people to abuse for not liking Sachin enough will love this and buy it for the cover alone.

The rest of the you should buy it cause it is a decent bloody read.

True story.

My favourites include Andrew Fernando trying to sex up Sri Lanka, IOB talking demons, and Rob Smyth’s book chapter.

So pop over to Lulu and buy the mag, or just download it.

Spread it open and enjoy its beauty.

It should be noted that none of my blood or semen was mixed into any page.  I did ask, but Lulu has a strict no blood or semen policy.  Prudes.