While Sidebottom looks like a drummer in a cover band, he is actually a medium fast left arm swing bowler. In the modern game no bowler has ever improved form more by not being picked. Is out of the team so much he is a bit like the Maris Krane or Bob Sacamano of the English team. Is prone to extreme stroppiness when a fielder makes a mistake from his bowling, never once considering the fact that in reality he is quite rubbish at the whole fielding caper. On occasion he celebrates a wicket like he is in mid orgasm.
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Tagged with ryan sidebottom …
the david saker bowling group
David Saker has been announced as bowling coach for England. Saker had to beat out Craig “real estate mogul” McDermott and the man with the most serious face in the business, Allan Donald.
I spent way too many afternoons watching Saker run in, beat the bat, yell, walk back muttering to himself, and then repeat.
He was so clearly insane, in the best possible fast bowling way.
I remember one game where he sledged a batsmen so loudly that I could hear it and I was out the back buying a pie.
Victorians loved him, everyone else hated him.
So what will he do when he takes over a bowling group full of male models and solid notherners.
Stuart Broad
For the first time in his career, Broad focuses on bowling tight nagging spells just outside off stump and never tries to bowl anything else. Everything is going fine until Billy Doctrove is asleep one day and misses a plumb LBW, next over Broad is fielding a ball at short fine leg but still manages to “accidently” to hit Doctrove in the throat with a throw to the keeper. Broad goes off the field to write up his apology.
James Anderson
Starts bareknuckle brawling and this leads to a dramatic improvement in his performance. Whereas before he would glare at a batsmen and the batsmen would think he was auditioning for Men’s Health, now they see the scars and glint in his eye and get scared.
Ryan Sidebottom & Tim Bresnan
Nothing much changes in they way they play, but experts notice that their sledging has a much more personal edge to it, Ryan refers to it as the 1 percent he needs for success. Unfortunately Sky mic Bresnan up for a T20 game and then have to apologise to all homosexuals, hermaphrodites and anyone who has ever loved the Little Mermaid. Sidebottom is dropped after bowling a bouncer fromtwo metres over the crease before running through to the batsmen and clothes lining the batsmen.
Liam Plunkett
Never plays again.
Graham Onions
Claims he is, and always has been, a rolling stones fan and hates that pissy pop music like Lily Allen. He also dyes his hair strawberry blond, puts on some weight, pinks his cheeks regularly and finally grows a goatee. He also lengthens his follow through by 10 feet.
Darren Pattinson
Hits Stuart Law in a pro40 game and is rushed into the test side where he becomes an into the wind specialist and goes on to take 300 wickets for England.
Ravi & Onions dropped for Bell & Sidebottom
“Both Bell and Sidebottom have been in form in the early part of the season and have been a part of the England set-up in recent years. Ryan Sidebottom has recovered from surgery and reports that he is now bowling pain-free and like he did against New Zealand. The inclusion of Bell and Sidebottom in the team gives the selectors, the coach and the captain a sense of normalcy going into this game. Ravi and Graham are unlucky but it was always highly unlikely we would continue to experiment with unknown players when we had two proven performers back in form. Bell also bowled a few overs for Warwickshire last week, and that was enough to show us he is now an allrounder.”
Geoff Miller
the conversation
AF: Belly and the Bottom are back.
AS: What do you mean, back?
In the squad.
Fuck no.
I promise.
Don’t you have a say?
Apparently not as much as we had hoped?
Did you show Geoff the photo of him, the peanut butter and the Clydesdale?
Yep, still a no go.
They cannot be allowed to come in and sully this new set up, this must be remedied.
How?
We must kill them both.
Whoa, seems a bit over the top, doesn’t it.
OK fine, lets set fire to Bell’s house, and I don’t know, um, slice off one of the Bottom’s nut sack while he sleeps.
Now that is a plan.
No that wont work, you’re too honest, and I would never get my hands dirty.
Freddie isn’t doing anything, and he told me he would do anything to get back into the side.
Clever little man, that is why you’re the coach, and I’m the captain.
Now, what do we do about Vaughan?
Who?
TWC arrives in my mail box
I just received my copy of The Wisden Cricketer.
The magazine that you, the readers of CWB helped us get into.
There we are on the shiny, and extremely glossy page, the same layout that King Cricket and AYALAC occupied so beautifully before me.
Only problem is Sidebottom the stroppy is on the cover.
And in the blog they picked, pot, kettle, Vaughn, I said nice things about him.
Had the good folks at TWC advised me of this cover, I could have given them a sidebottom the stroppy quote to put on the front cover.
Perhaps just a picture of Sidebottom, and then underneath from a speech bubble could have been “I want an oompa loompa now daddy”.
Being that I am blog of the month you would expect I would have a bit of editorial control on the issue.
I would have had Andre Nel on the cover.
South Africa is about to tour, Nel is playing county cricket and getting told off.
What better than Andre Nel semi naked holding a badger over his privates and covered in I can’t believe it’s not butter.
One nice touch that was obviously done just for me is the use of the word cock on the front cover.
I appreciate the effort. 
Oram provides bottle rockets, Sidebottom takes away Jimmy’s candy
The important thing is the England won.
Everything else means little.
I am talking to James Anderson ofcourse, the man who couldn’t take 3 wickets in the second dig to get a 10 wicket haul.
Diddums.
Sidebottom the stroppy cleaned up nicely.
He was probably getting a bit bemused with Anderson taking all the wickets now that he is the unquestioned main man of the crease.
Although even he couldn’t get Oram out.
Oram, who had been told by daddy (smith) that he had to learn how to play short pitched bowling, did so by swinging at a bunch of shirt balls.
I am sure there are some who will think he has slayed the dragon, but in truth the pitch was a bit slow and he was in one day mode, the real test is when he comes in on a quick pitch in tricky situations.
Hopkins and Brace’s wicket keeping gamble didn’t really pay off.
Prince Brendan failed in the only important innings, and didn’t look like a test number 3.
Hopkins made 27 off 116 balls for the match.
James Marshall probably could have done that.
New Zealand go down 2 zip, and probably will feel cheated by their overall crapness.
England are up and singing, and will get a wake up call at 150 clicks per hour from Dale Steyn.
Veruca Sidebottom, or Sidebottom the stroppy
I haven’t seen a lot of him bowl.
I saw him in Sri Lanka, New Zealand and now in this series.
But I don’t remember him being a stroppy cow like he is now.
I am pretty sure he said to Mills “I want an oompa loompa now daddy”.
The stroppiness has reached Nel like levels.
But Nel is funny.
Ryan is not.
For a man with a severe waddle to the wicket, he seems overly confident.
I know he won the series in New Zealand, but, wickets don’t allow you stroppiness, nothing allows you stroppiness.
Worst examples of Ryan’s new found stroppiness.
His treatment of English fielders. Ryan they are not your biaches, they are people too.
His faux throwing back at the batsman. It’s uncoordinated, and you don’t pick up the ball half the time.
His head head whips, which look flat out ridiculous.
His constant kicks of the turf.
His spitting in anger, he looks like a snake trying to eat a dodo egg.
Sidebottom was a chane to be a working class hero.
The cover band drummer hair do.
The ample caboose.
The waddle to the wicket.
The wickets.
But now he could be alienating the very people who want to make him a cult hero.
I know Allan Donald told you to be aggressive Ryan, but you really look like a cock when you do it.
KP & Ryan have a chat
The England seem to have been inspired to two of the oddest cricketers in their team.
Sidebottom, aka oxymoron, aka drummer for Led Zepplica, who seems like a down to earth sort of chappie.
And KP, chairman of his own fanclub, and huge Vanilla Ice fan.
I wonder how their conversation will go after they win this test.
KP, Did you see how I made all the runs, I was on fire biach, you know what I’m saying.
Ryan, Yeah, well batted.
KP, it wasn’t batting man it was like some sort of african tribal ritual mating dance. All I saw was bright colours coming down at me, I was pretty much out of my body.
Ryan, ok.
KP, I was like in a zone, do you know what I mean, I was style, I was substance, I was Elvis in his comeback special, Evil Knievel flying across the sky, Russell Crowe killing a tiger.
Ryan, Broady & Strauss did well.
KP, Yeah, yeah, but I was just alive out there, I felt like I could pull out Excalibur or sleep with Madonna, I’m so charged man, pass me another red bull.
Ryan, Ok.
KP, have you ever just felt actual lightning in your hand, I mean i could have saved the orphans or destroyed plants, it was all in my hand.
Ryan, Ok.
KP, So who got the wickets?
the oxymoron slaughters gently
An oxymoron (plural oxymorons or, more rarely, oxymora) is a figure of speech that combines two normally contradictory terms. Oxymoron is a loanword from Greek oxy (“sharp”) and moros (“dull”). Thus the word oxymoron is itself an oxymoron.
Interesting stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Over at Sportsfreak, they call Ryan Sidebottom the Oxymoron.
Because of the logistical improbability of having a bottom on your side.
There are offcourse flaws to this argument.
For one it could be someone elses ass you have on your side.
Secondly I’m sure there is some poor soul whom should have been smothered at birth who has said bottom on the side.
But I have discovered that there are many factors that makes Ryan Sidebottom an Oxy Moron.
Fact one. All English bowlers are either mentally or physically prone to break downs, or are male models.
Ergo an English bowler who isn’t a basket case or male model is an oxy moron.
Fact two. Sidebottom regularly takes wickets whilst being an English fast bowler.
Ergo an English bowler taking wickets is an oxy mormon.
Fact three. Sidebottom looks like the drummer in a Led Zeppelin tribute band.
Ergo anyone who looks like a drummer for a Led Zeppelin tribute band is a moron.
Fact four. His nickname in the dressing room is sexual chocolate.
Ergo a white Yorkshire boy being called a sexual chocolate is an oxy moron, and quite odd.
Case closed.
And he got 7 wickets today.
True story.
