Tagged with andrew symonds …

Jul 17 2008
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Roy loves the peanuts on Indian Airlines

Andrew Symonds has rung the bell.

Once an Australian cricketer brings up concerns about touring, the Australian team almost never tours there.

Shane Watson and Nathan Hauritz (I know) have said they will play, but since Roy is major big time, and the other two aren’t, he is drowning them out.

Roy doesn’t like the idea of travelling to Pakistan.

We all know Pakistan is the second most dangerous place on earth, just behind the Dandenong train station, but don’t bombs go off in other places.

Like say India.

Wasn’t Chuck Berry shaking in his boots after 80 odd people died in Jaipur?

During the IPL, Roy didn’t go to Jaipur, he did go to Mumbai, where 190 people were killed in 2006.

Never heard any comments about him being worried about Mumbai, did you?

According to this really dodgy website I found, at least 600 civilians died from Mohammedans or Christians engaging in terrorism in 2006.

The website probably isn’t reliable, but I love the word Mohammedans.

But it does illustrate that people die from bombs and stuff in India.

Roy goes to India a lot.

And I have never once heard him say that he is worried about travelling there.

What is the key difference?

Money

It can’t just be money, although, I’m sure that doesn’t help.

He doesn’t strike me as the sort of guy who is money hungry.

Media

Is it because the western media don’t cover India as a violent state?

India is thought of as a friendly cricket mad place that hippies like to visit and that like cows.

Pakistan is though of as a violent state that no one wants to visit and even Imran isn’t safe in.

Until Jaipur blew up during the IPL, most people I knew weren’t aware of major terrorism in India.

Muslims

Is it the lack of Mohammedans in India?

Over here we are taught to believe that Muslims are the key to all terrorism in this day and age, which ofcourse is nonsense.

Tamil’s aren’t Muslims, and from memory neither was the IRA.

But who is to say that a Queenslander who isn’t big on reading books would know that.

I don’t know the answers.

Cricket is full of hypocrites.

The western countries don’t want Zimbabwe in because they are led by a ruthless dictator.

Couldn’t the same argument be made against Pakistan.

So few Western players want to visit Pakistan, but they volunteer to go to India?

Australia are due to travel to India not long after the ICC knockout cup is die to be in Pakistan, will we hear Roy raise his concerns about India?

I doubt it.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jun 30 2008
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Don’t bullshit a bullshitter

I know I’m like a dog with a boner about this, but I just want to walk the walk one more time.

According to the free world’s greatest leader, Cameron White has been picked in the Australian side as a spinner.

And yet he was clearly the replacement for Andrew Symonds, who while being an all rounder, plays as a batsman.

When Symonds was fit, White was dropped.

So that leads me to believe that White played as a batsman, who bowls a bit.

So Ricky, stop treating us like fucken idiots.

We may not be the intellectual powerhouse that you clearly are, but we know a little about cricket.

We know that if a dude bats at 6, and replaces a dude who bats at 5, he is playing as a batsman.

He hasn’t been picked as the spinner, because he wasn’t even freakin bowled.

Roll credits.

We understand that you want White to be a proper spinner, because he can clearly bat at the level required.

But calling your girlfriend Pamela Anderson won’t give her bigger titties.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jun 12 2008
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Cool dudes in the news

The West Indies have clearly missed their cool dude leader.

But he is back, and the world can rejoice again.

And in his absence he has been working on percentages.

“I’m not 100% fit, but 90%, but I can cope. I wasn’t 90% fit in Antigua. The physio said I was 70%, and basically we didn’t want to risk it.”

Can you think of a player less likely to calculate percentages than Gayle.

He was so excited at his new mathematical skills he managed to use % 4 times in about 20 seconds, which just proves that no matter what Gayle does, he does it to the extreme.

Australia’s coolest player, Roy, has managed to miss his team bus.

They fined him $3000, plus he had to pay the taxi fare, so that’s like $3015 in total.

Of recent times Roy seems to be propping up the batting order regularly.

Perhaps he should start handing out his own fines.

Clarke, $5000 for turning up late to the tour and making everyone else look out of form when you got here.

Katich, $83,000 for looking like a Krab at the crease.

Haddin, $12,500 for not starting your career like Gilly did.

Hodge, $23,000 for the freakin Wolf Blass ad.

Hussey, $23,000 for that freakin Wolf Blass ad.

Jacques, $112,000 for batting like a samurai warrior in first class cricket, and an Origami warrior in test cricket.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Apr 25 2008
general balls

the difference

Yusuf Pathan can bat.

Like bat bat.

He can really really bat, good.

Last night he hit the ball as clean as I have ever seen.

He was unstoppable.

Roy was pretty damn good as well.

Fastest hundred and stuff was pretty impressive.

But one was dropped on 60 odd, and one was caught on 60 odd.

Roy fell into a trap laid out by Shane Keith, and sliced one straight to Yusuf, who jumped a little late and put it down.

When Yusuf was on 60 odd he skied one straight to Roy, but he didn’t drop it.

In fact it took it with the ease of someone taking a free min from a counter.

Being able to smash the ball out of the park is great, but catching a ball is handy as well.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Apr 24 2008
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Roy ka ching

Roy has been in pretty average form for a while now.

Today, that stopped.

Munaf Patel, Ol’Flexy arm Trivedi and the great Shane Keith were taken apart as Darren Lehmann could only sit and eat pies from the bench.

Curry pies.

Either the cheerleaders or a glass of cold milk inspired Roy, and he now owns the fastest 100 in the tournament so far.

Now he can sit back, content in the knowledge he lived up to his price tag once in this tournament.

You could say the gorilla is off his back.

But then you’d be a racist, so best you shut up, you bastard.

Anyway, America’s next top model Salunkhe bowled an over.

That’s probably news worthy.

Afridi almost lasted an over.

That’s all I have. I’m going to bed.

Akmal and Smith, together at last, hello ladies, this one is for you.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Mar 05 2008
general balls

One dayers are good for something

We all get a little tired of the one day format.

Then something happens, and it brings joy to our hearts.

I love the way this guy showed the incident a few times and even moved his camera over the screen.

He is a true artist.

And if anyone wants to know why Roy is so damn popular in Australia, this is the reason.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Feb 27 2008
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rupert backs roy

The Herald Sun and about 82 other papers in Australia are owned by Rupert Murdoch.

Rupert used to be an australian, like Mel Gibson and Germaine Greer, but he renounced is strayaness for greener bills.

Now he owns the world, helps foreign superpowers and makes alot of money off the Simpsons.

But back home, his newspapers continue on without him.

But in a surprising twist, now his newspapers are attacking Cricket Australia.

Being that Cricket Australia is a dictatorship, not naziesque, more reminiscent of the Congo in the 70′s, it is odd that Rupert’s papers would have a problem with that.

Then the paper says that it refuses to print up articles that have been ghost written by cricket administracrats (they didn’t use that exact word).

They prefer the articles to be ghost written by their own people.

They go further by saying that Cricket Australia apply spin doctoring and half truths.

All this from a Murdoch paper.

It is very important that on the matter of Cricket his papers remain fair and balanced.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged ,
Feb 26 2008
general balls

OBO of Allan Border Medal

Night starts off bad, as father and I have to convince mother to watch some crappy reality show in another room.

Mark Nicholas starts with a message about Rianna Ponting’s bun in the oven. Strangely no Michael Slater jokes. But Mark Nicholas does look radiant.

Gilly tributes start early with Ponting and Nicholas eager to out do each other.

Channel nine changes tact and puts in a quick quiz to the players on what the ten modes of dismissal are, I got nine, bloody hitting the ball twice got me.

Sri Lanka test series highlights forget to mention King Kumar’s innings, I get the feeling this is not going to be a night about cricket, but just about Channel 9 and Australian cricket.

India test series highlights had only the slightest bastard monkey references.

Sri Lanka series is so not important that no one bothers to read them out, India series is so important Mark Taylor’s expert oral skills and brought out.

The test player of the year (in a year of 6 home tests) is Brett Lee. Brad Hogg very unlucky to miss out.

Blonde Bimbo count is high, people sucking up to Gilly much higher.

Amazing that Mark Nicholas can still stand and talk, all the blood is rushing to his trousers at the moment.

They pretend to talk about cricket ads, but instead get some great plugs for Valvoline and Ford into the show. Bet that’s cheaper than the superbowl ads.

Roy gets interviewed and is still the funniest Australian cricketer, but that’s like being the sexiest Spice girl.

Roy And HG (not theAndrew Symonds Roy) give us some comedy. They get off to a slow start, but there are enough jokes in there, and they give a retrospective AB medal to John Glesson the one fingered mysterious bowler.

Channel 9 gave Kerry Packer and Tony Greig a tribute in the guise of World Series cricket. Max Walker and Len Pascoe come out well.

More Gilly sucking up, he gets on stage and even he seems to think it’s too much. Then Richie trots out to give him an empty wine bottle for being so good. It is encrusted not with jewels but with the Channel 9 logo. Would get upwards of 50 bucks on ebay.

An hour into the coverage and we have looked at 6 tests.

Australia’s one day losses to England and New Zealand are glossed over expertly, with world cup games against Scotland given more coverage.

Luke Pomersbach gets Bradman young player of the year award, he looks soberish.

Lisa Sthalekar got female player of the year award for the second year running. Heard her speak recently, she speaks very very well, much better than pretty much any male player. Also I feel she is rather attractive. Wonder if she is gay or taken.

Ashley Matrix got state player of the year. Only a nut job could argue anyone else has had a better year, that nut job being my father mentioning David Hussey.

The rogue traders took to the stage. We filmed them 2 weeks ago as they played a gig to 30 people. Now they’re playing to a couple of million punters, and they still suck.

Quick segment on the bollywood cricket film. I have heard the director talk about it, and the film doesn’t sound like its going to be good, but I could be biased cause I think most Bollywood films are sh1t. And most Australian films for that matter.

Being that this is shown live on Fox Sports Brendan Julian and his 4oo dollar hair cut get a run on the main stage.

Fast major controversy as Matt Hayden wins one day player of the year and kisses Gilly’s wife. Still no Slater jokes.

I stand by my pre world cup comments, that Hayden is just not a good one day player and shouldn’t be in the side. I think this last year has vindicated that call.

George Giffen was promoted to the hall of fame, he used to kill Victoria, so we hate him.

Ian Healy was also put in, he received some sort of sh1t stained wooden trophy.

Mark Nicholas takes 3 minutes out of our lives to explain how the Allan Border medal voting system works, just hand it out already.

And the winner is Brett Lee.

Fair effort for someone who missed a butt load of one dayers.

The real winner is Mitchell Johnson, his girl is extraordinary.

Mark Nicholas finishes the night with one last lick at the anal passage of Australian Cricket.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Feb 24 2008
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who let the dogs out

The final Kerry Packer Series has been great.

Everyone is failing, everyone is blaming the pitches, the bowlers are killing all the so called cream of the crop and 200 is a great score.

Then what happens, Sydney decided to use the magical pitch, the one where David Hussey made a hundred off 8 balls, and all this magic gets transferred to the rest of the batsmen.

The Aliens leave Pontings head, and he starts to play on drives like they are the new black.

Hayden finds Jesus, or Jesus finds Hayden, either way he makes runs and looks like a bully again.

Roy leaves the bank for the day, and everyone remembers why he got a kabbillion rupees.

All this woke up Uthappa as well, but Sehwag & Sachin kept sleeping, because Sachin is old, and Sehwag looks older than him.

What did all this add upto, a game where over 600 runs were scored, shocking.

Just when I was thinking we could get a whole series without anyone making a big score, now every one will do it and this will be the same ol bore fest, 340 plays 330, that every one day series has.

Woe is me.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Feb 22 2008
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Roy minus spunk equals dud

Andrew Symonds is on very shaky ground. He has lost his spunk, his mojo or his get-go. In my opinion he is either a one-day player or a test player, he can’t do both.

In starting his innings’ in test cricket he is looking as timid as a Michael Kasprowicz yorker. He is poking around at the crease playing un-Symonds like strokes – the end result is very ordinary dismissals.

The worst part is that he has transferred this over to the one-day arena. Some of his shots in this tri-series against India and SL have been as ugly as seeing Kathy Bates come out of the bath in About Schmidt, ewwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!

Roy, make a decision, play either test or one day cricket. Ideally you are a one-day player – voted in the best Aussie 11 since odi’s started, so stick at it, give the tests away.

Watching you bat without your spunk is like watching Bambi’s mum die. And the tears are already rolling down my cheek!!!!!

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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