Tagged with rob key …

Jun 05 2009
blogs

Blogging war

Today CWB goes up against the dirtiest and most hate filled blog on the interweb, kingcricket.

His poster boy, Rob Key, vs our hero, Dirty Dirk.

England V Netherlands.

Ofcourse this may not happen, as Rob Key may not even make the side, which would allow Dirty Dirk to be victorious.

But if Rob does waddle into the middle, then it’s on baby.

A victory for Kingcricket would be Rob facing the bearded behemoth and not going out.

A victory for Dirk would be Rob’s blood slowing down the lord’s slope.

Or just getting his wicket.

This is way more important than a simple England V minnow match.

Whichever player wins this battle will crown the respective blog, best cricket blog ever.

And the loser, oh the loser, will be so embarrassed we might never see them blog again.

Our future is in your hands, Dirk.

Let’s get it on.

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May 19 2009
ashes

The Australian Squad for the Ashes in a parallel universe

The test squad for the Ashes seems pretty worked out, bar the two all rounders.

But what of the parallel universe, as they prepare for their series, we take a look through the wormhole at the make up of their team.

In that universe they pick squads on Tuesday. Obviously.

M North (captain) – Having cemented his captaincy after Shane Warne’s retirement he fires up the team with sensible slogans and common sense captaincy.

C White (vice captain) – When Cameron is not poisoning North’s meals he is the number 7 Australia has been waiting for since Ian Harvey retired, and his big turning leg breaks are unplayable.

S Katich – This stylish batsman doesn’t make many runs, but when he makes runs, the whole world sighs in orgasmic delight.

M Klinger – Struggling to perform as a Jew, Klinger has had the best run of his life since converting to Satanism.

B Hodge – Although suspected in the deaths of many of Australia’s best young batsmen, Hodge has never been charged, and his form is as good as ever. The selectors love his good nature ribbing.

D Hussey – Inspired by the tragic auto erotic asphyxiation of his brother, David becomes the worlds most dominant stroke maker.

M Cosgrove – Even though Cosgrove’s form is poor, he is selected for the tour on the basis that he gets his weight back up to over 120kgs. Coach Darren Lehmann remains confident he can gain the weight and form.

D Christian – Australia decide to follow the South African example and set a quota of one Aboriginal player in every test. After poor results bringing Jason Gillespie and Ryan Campbell out of retirement, they settle for Dan Christian, and find that he is shit hot.

L Carseldine – Is now technically steel than flesh, but the ICC is slow to move on banning bionic cricketers, and Lee’s metal torso body and titanium legs will be allowed in the ashes.

C Hartley – Is the best keeper in the world, averages 12 with the bat, but everyone knows you take the best keeper regardless of batting quality.

S Tait – Australia finally get the best out of Shaun Tait by employing Rodney Hogg as his full time carer. The two fall in love and get married in the lunacy room.

B McGain – Was humiliated by losing his test spot in South Africa after missing the flight over, but is fired up to star in his first test against England.

M Inness – Even though he had retired, experts realise that Matthew’s first class average was 2fucken5 and pick him for the tour.

D Pattinson – The man the Ashes hopes rely on. His 26 wickets against South Africa in only 3 tests was just about perfect fast bowling.

D Marsh – Some would say that Dan is an odd choice, especially since he is retired, but Chief Selector Rod Marsh said “we needed a hard bastard to toughen these fuckers up”.  Is picked to be the back up keeper/spinner/batsman.

They should do well against Rob Key’s England.

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May 08 2009
poms

Ravi the third?

I saw Rav the Chavs hundred.

It showed many things that the other English aspiring number 3s don’t have.

There were no physical deformities like Owais Shah.

No complete throwing away of a solid platform Ian Bell style.

He missed no straight ones like the artist Michael Vaughan.

And he was actually playing test cricket unlike Robert Key.

In the short term, that should be enough, he will play one more test against the Windies, and has at least two guaranteed against the Aussies unless he has some sort of breakdown.

But is he a test number 3?

There aren’t many around, New Zealand are trying their junk yard dog Flynn, Amla looks the part at times, Sarwan seems to be made to bat at 3 but can’t always be assed to do so and Younis Khan did ok for South Australia.

The three blue chip players are Ricky, King Kumar, and Rahul.

They all have things in common like aura, ego, tight techniques and freakish batting skills and fierce determination.

Rahul Dravid will block for hours at a time just to protect his wicket.

Kumar has a real hatred of going out, up there with Glenn McGrath’s.

And Ponting just hates to lose.

It is too early for Ravi to put a stamp on the position like these men, and while he might not be in their league on pure batting skill, on determination to succeed he must be almost on a par and he doesn’t suffer from a low ego.

At this stage he looks like the most likely candidate, doesn’t mean he’ll succeed.

If he does fail. wont be for lack of trying.

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Apr 14 2009
poms

England appoint new coach

England has finally picked their new cricket coach, a wide-eyed female white kitten.

Hugh Morris from the ECB said “For too long our cricket coaches have been savaged by the press, every move is criticised, and the team has suffered. So to counter this we have brought in a kitten so cute that no one can hate it. I dare you to ridicule this kitten, look at its eyes those silly little paws, and the tail that is too short to bend, cuteness.”.

It’s a risky move by England, as most cricket journalists hate cats even more than they hate the English cricket team.

Andy Flower was the front-runner for the position, and even though he is cute, Zimbabwean, and once opposed a fascist dictator while batting, he is more ‘take home to your mum cute’, rather than ‘look at the kitty’ cute.

The kitten has yet to be named, although sources from the ECB seemed to be leaning towards ‘princess fluffy pants’.

Picking a female kitten will also quieten down the women’s cricket community who recently complained there weren’t more females in top positions.

With the kitten taking over, this does spell the end for Samit Patel, English officials will be hesitant to place him in a room with any small animal after he ate Kevin Pietersen’s Chihuahua ‘jess’.

England are still yet to name their twenty 20 captain, the logical choices are Dimi Mascarenhas, Robert Key, and Eddie (the dog from Frasier).

Morris said, “They all have their strong points, Dimi is Australian, Rob has an autocratic pomp, and Eddie is cute, has a rogue charm, and his form a few years ago was exceptional. “

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Apr 14 2009
ashes, county cricket, poms

England lose the ashes, in record time

Usually the Ashes cannot be lost until the tests have been played. England couldn’t wait.

They had three number 3 candidates, and were busting to try them against players born in Australia. Their scores were 12, 12 and 5.

A player by the name of Callum Thorp, who played about 15 or so games for Western Australia, took down Key and Vaughan.

Bell chose another, he went out to Mitchell Claydon, and sent many cricket journalists to the internet to see who the hell he is. Turns out another Australian playing on a British passport. God bless those relatives.

Thorp went to play in England with a first class average of over 50, for Durham he averages 22. By taking down Rob Key he might have ruined any chance that the likeable rotund batsman will have a future test career.

For Vaughan it is not so simple. People have been saying he needs to make a lot of runs for Yorkshire to be picked, but the first test squad against the Windies is probably going to be announced before he gets a chance to make any runs for Yorkshire.

This was his only chance to impress, but he has the added advantage of being Michael Vaughan, which impresses automatically.

Mitchell Claydon, born in New South Wales, has a bowling average of over 50 after 7 first class games, but his wicket of Bell will be enough to keep Bell in county cricket for the season unless injuries intervene.

Some would think that with these guys all failing to score any decent runs to Shield Second XI players, that they wouldn’t be a chance to play. Not so.

Not even the fact that Bell hasn’t made runs since American Pie jokes were tolerable, Key averaged 30 in county cricket last year, and Michael Vaughan’s test career turning into him making an art out of missing the straight ones is enough to stop these guys from still being the front runners for the empty number three slot.

Well not empty, Owais Shah still holds it. Owais Shah didn’t play in this game, (a combined MCC XI Vs last year’s champions Durham) and that was great for him. He would now be the favourite to bat number three against the Windies, and barring him running himself out or cramping up, should make runs against them and have the spot against Australia as well.

Although we should never discount the English selectors making a delightfully rash decision.

You might think Vaughan is a delightfully rash decision, but the truly delightfully rash decision would be Mark Ramprakash, the best number 3 in County cricket, scorer of one hundred hundreds, winner of dancing contests and many a middle aged woman’s heart.

If not him, then I am sure Darren Eyelids Pattinson could bat at three.

Remember to support the balls in the Ashes charity match spectacular.

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Sep 27 2008
Uncategorized

don’t say the m word you monkey

Robert Key shocked the cricket world by saying the one word that should never be used.

Muppets.

To call a selector, an administracrat, or a pitch inspector a muppet is the single worst word you can use.

Call them cocksuckers.

Compare them to a dildo.

Mention what a massive ass clown they are.

But don’t you dare call them muppets.

It’s offensive, to muppets.

Robert Key was fined 1250 quid for using them m word, which for an IPL cricketer is the cash you use to light your cigar with, but for someone on key’s salary it’s serious money, i mean other than pie sponsorship deals and kent, who is going to give him money.

In related news Jim Henson’s estate are looking at taking a class action suit out against the ICC, and all major cricket boards for defamation of his characters.

A lawyer for the estate read a prepared statement.

“The muppets are a well loved family entertainment icon, as a brand we would not like them brought down to the standard of any cricket officials, we think this is a grosse injustice, and we are looking into the legalities of these continuing incidents at the moment. “

Rob Key is a smart man though, he knows he has done wrong.

For his part, Key admitted his remarks were

“inappropriate and I offer my unreserved apology to all concerned”.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Sep 14 2008
Uncategorized

English domestic player’s bar room education chat guide – Joe Denly

Joe Denly is no longer Rob Key’s little friend.

There was a time when Joe had to clean Rob’s boots, and compliment him on his recent wight loss.

This is no longer the case.

Joe Denly is the butch now.

As anyone called Joe should be.

Joe is as Canterbury as.

How Canterbury I hear you ask, well he went to a school with the name Chauncer in the title.

Proper Kent boy.

Twice in a week, i have seen Joe open up for Kent, and open up Surrey.

Sure Surrey is rubbish, we all know that, but it’s the way he bats that is exciting, not the runs.

The boy is proper class, and from what i have seen there is no reason why Andrew Strauss shoudln’t be looking over his shoulder.

Robert Key, of King Cricket, is now happy to let his former padawan take centre stage, he no longer says things like, keep your head down, play straight or well done boyo.

His job as teacher has all but finished.

Rob has even learn some things off Joe, like the word Gym.

Before that when someone said they were going to the team Gym, Rob thought it was a term you may use for a gentleman friend who serviced certain players.

That is what is great about youth and experience intertwining.

Next week Rob is teaching Joe about tantric sex, and Joe is teaching Rob about facebook.

Joe is still only 22, which means he has a few years yet to become an English county Pro, and therefore be useless in the eyes of the world.

But he does show the class, and with Kent looking like a force for the next few years he will get plently of big game experience to show off his wares.

Twice in a week I have seen his class, and I likey.

It’s forceful and stylish, adept on either peg, and times the ball as well as anyone.

This boy could be good.

When your friends make fun of Andrew Strauss, tell em about this young fellow named Joe.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Aug 18 2008
general balls

Cricketers, Miriam Solves Your Problems

Today, I am answering letters from distressed cricketers, with compassion and kindness.

—————————————–

Dear Mims

I’ve had a rough few weeks. I’ve worked hard this year, laid off the pies, led my team to two limited-overs finals but lost them both.

I tried to keep my cool, not like last year when I got in an understandable strop and flung my bat across the boundary rope when some cheat claimed a grounded catch, but it hurts so much.

And, and, my team don’t get to play in the superleague thingy because of a few individuals ruining it for everyone.

I just want the chance to wear the lid of a trophy on my head again. How do I get through this painful episode?

From KeyMan of Kent

Dear KeyMan of Kent

Oh sweetheart. Perhaps you should go play in the next ICL. I mean, what can you possibly have to lose? Before that, though, please could you let me pinch your cheeks? I’ve wanted to do that for ages.

——————————————-

Dear Mims

I’ve just won a trophy with my county and am very excited.

However, a couple of people started saying that I wear eyeliner and mascara and now everyone is teasing me about it. It’s embarrassingly emasculating.

How do I bring my manliness back?

From FEC AC

Dear FEC AC

First, I’m not sure what you mean about bringing your manliness “back”.

Secondly, if you wear very dark brown instead of black, you’ll find it looks a lot more natural.

Very few people have the colouring to get away with jet black eye makeup. If you were Asian you might be able to, but then people would start describing you as “wristy” and you strike me as the sensitive sort who would take this the wrong way and think it was a masturbation joke.

—————————————-

Dear Mims

I was called up to play for the country of my birth, and it hasn’t quite been the dream that I’d had in my mind ever since that call up 48 hours before the match.

It all started with my kids trying to get me to decline it so that I could be eligible for Australia, although I think they were just cross at missing their trip to Alton Towers; I know I’m never going to get a call up for Australia because I don’t have an Australian passport.

I performed ok on debut, I thought. I mean, I never said I’d be Ajantha Mendis or anything.

But I now wonder whether I was a means to an end to ease out the captain, who I’ll be honest didn’t really seem to like me. I feel so used.

From Dandy Roofer

Dear Dandy Roofer

You can’t put a price on the cult status, though, and you can expect to have a sports facility in Grimsby named after you at some point.

—————————————

Dear Mims

I’ve just been promoted to a new position and I’m worried that some people don’t think my heart is really in it. They think that I don’t have the passion to lead a country that I adopted.

But I’ve got an England tattoo. I’ve married an English girl. I drink tea and warm beer. I now know to say barbecue instead of braai.

I’ve tried everything, right down to the No.1 haircut and flashy jewellery that my friends assured me would make me fit in on any British high street. What on earth can I do?

Captain Fantastic

Dear Captain Fantastic

Cry in public. Cry your face off, and then cry some more. People will then come up to you and hug you in the street.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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