A great batsman with a very disagreeable face is what I would put on his tombstone. There are assholes who hide their assholishness, and there is Ricky Ponting, the sort of man who seems to proudly wear a badge that says asshole on his shirt. You’re perfectly allowed to hate him, I doubt it bothers him. Has been described as a hairy armed goblin. Ricky has amazing integrity, he keeps it in a special glass cabinet that only he has to the key for. Had some punchy while drunk problems years ago, but no one cares anymore. In Ponting’s world view, we’re all wrong. Bowls really cool medium pace, but very rarely. His pull shot and this medium pace are my favourite things about him. My father believes he couldn’t captain his way out of a paper bag, one day I’d like to shrink him down to size and see if that is possible. Or get a big paper bag. Thinks that by spitting onto his hands he gives himself magic powers. It probably does.
cricket with balls
just another bullshit cricket blog
Tagged with ricky ponting …
ignoring cricketers when they speak
When this blog started I would take what cricketers say before a series very seriously.
Well not seriously, obviously I’d take the piss, but I’d repeat the comments and then find a way to mock them.
Then I stopped.
Mostly.
But it is hard.
Players, commentators and coaches say lots of shit before a series.
You want to ignore it, because both sides usually do it, and then it sort of evens it self out.
On occasions there is a comment so stupid that it tempts you, gets you drooling, gives you the shakes, makes you wanna lick the toilet seat, if you know what I mean.
You’ve got to stay strong though, because even repeating one stupid pre-series statement can become a trend that you can’t get out of in a hurry.
For instance, lets say a test captain on the eve of an important series was to question the strength of the opposition’s batting line up.
Also assume that this captain has a batting line up that has been faltering for ages without him really seeming to do anything about it.
This captain would presumably have not thought through his comments and how they might actually make people look at his shit batting line up.
Imagine all the posts I could write about a comment like this from a hypocritical captain who lives in a bubble.
It would be so easy to have fun at his expense.
Perhaps trot out stats about his top order, or even the amount of times they’ve been “unlucky”.
But then I’m back in it. Back at the grind.
Getting cheap laughs from a stupid half thought out comment just to amuse you.
And who wants that?
I’m better than that, and so are you.
So I shall stay true to my new ideals and not take the piss out of any stupid comments by cricketers before a series.
During a series, or just general stupid comments, will still be taken the piss out of when deemed appropriate and no videos of Murali, chicken and a semen like substance are shown to me.
It isn’t just bowlers who lose their nip
Over the last year I have been looking at the Australian line up underperforming, and I thought it was just a form thing. Now I realise that is something way deeper than that.
A great deal of the Australian batsman have lost their nip. For many years I have heard of many bowlers losing their nip. Andy Caddick, Matthew Hoggard, Jason Gillespie, Stuart Clark are just a few names that people throw out there.
Batsman can’t lose nip. It is a largely made up term just for the excuse of dropping bowlers.
Fuck that though, batsman have nip too. They have footwork nip, concentration nip and consistency nip. So these are the three batsman in the Australian line up who have lost their nip.
It doesn’t mean they should be dropped, as nip is not the be all and end all, but the losing of nip must be reported on by any caring media type.
Ponting – His nip has been lost and you can see it by the fact he now lacks the judgement to make a single and short balls are suddenly his enemy. He has also not questioned anyone’s integrity for the longest time.
Hussey – Average of 84 after 20 tests, Averaging 34 in his next 34 tests. That is nip suicide, my friends. His nip left the building 35 tests ago, and since then his nipless self has managed 3 test centuries.
North – I got a bunch of correspondence from people saying, you poor thing, you bag North and he makes runs, you must feel like an idiot. No, I feel vindicated. North made a hundred in a 2 test series, and still his career average went down slightly. And being that he averaged 37 coming in, you’d think with one hundred in two tests that would go up, not down. It is possible that North has no nipples, let alone nip.
Internationally there are other losses in nip.
Rahul Dravid has lost nip with only one good year in his last 4, he should retire and become president of the world.
Sanath Jayasuriya needed presidential pardons when his nip left.
Yasir Hameed lost his nip NOTW has claimed in an exclusive that will shake up the cricket world.
Paul Collingwood, although some would argue that losing his nip has helped him succeed.
Ofcourse others who don’t bat or bowl have lost their nip.
Billy Bowden’s nip has been gone for years, his weird umpiring kinks are part of an occult belief that he hopes will bring them back.
Tony Greig sold his nip to get a surround sound system years ago.
Lalit Modi’s nip has been confiscated by the ED after he tweeted about it.
Jrod lost his nip years ago in a nasty foreskin/zipper accident.
Ricky Ponting claims 5 nil Ashes win in the bag
Ricky Ponting claims that when he showers an alien by the name of Pinky gives him a special directors commentary of Schindler’s List from the right side of Steve Spielberg’s brain.
Ricky Ponting claims he was the lindberg baby.
Ricky Ponting claims that in a previous life he was Jesus’ butler.
Ricky Ponting claims that with the conditions in his team’s favour that winning 5-0 is possible when asked it as a direct question.
OK, so hardly the same thing, but from the headlines you’d swear he was running around the press conference tongue kissing the journalists with his own shit marking out a 5-0 win on his chest.
It is possible Australia win 5 zip, it is also possible England win it 5 zip.
Other things that are possible:
Shane Watson outing himself as a lover of plush toys.
Luke Wright using a deft touch with the bat to beat Australia in the deciding test.
Nathan Hauritz taking off his shirt and doing the Warne dance when Australia win a test.
Andrew Strauss getting caught with his dick in an exhaust pipe.
Australia or England winning 4-1 or 4-0.
If you asked me if these were possible, I’d say yes.
I probably wouldn’t say, “There’s no reason why not. It’s all in our (their) hands.”
I’d probably say, “none of these events are likely to happen, but there is a slim possibility that if you fucked Tony Greig in the eyeball for an hour straight you’d get nothing more than a sore dick as he is clearly an indestructible mother fucker, but what is more likely is that you’d end up with eye ball under your foreskin and if you have a big dick, just a touch of brain wedged in there too… and eyelashes, I ‘spose”.
Anything is possible.
It is also possible that a captain in the twilight stage of a long career could be asked such an obviously inflammatory question and fuck it up. If the conditions favoured it.
The CWB football team
I’ve decided to pick a team of football from what cricket has to offer. It wouldn’t win the world cup, but I think I’d enjoy watching them play.
Striker
Sachin– sure he is not gifted with the most athletic frame, but like a non mental Diego Maradonna more than makes up with it with the ability to score at will and carry a team. Has had some pretty handy world cups already.
Striker
Pollard – big strong and has great club form, picked for his ability to turn only a few opportunities into goals. People worry that he has never done anything at international level to justify his millionaire status. He doesn’t seem to mind. Probably not adverse to the odd dive and handy with headers.
Left Midfield
Sulieman Benn – Occasional brilliance is often overshadowed by talk of his height and temper. Only player to be sent off by his own captain after a bad tackle and bad attitude. It is never clear if he ever tries to actually hit the ball in a tackle.
Centre Midfield
Ponting– Scores more than most, but is still a very heavy handed defender. Is quick, plays well of both feet, is a winner, but can lose his temper at times. Has won at the top level a few times before. Doesn’t like being substituted.
Centre Midfield
Mark Boucher – A tough team player. Like a rugged family sedan, once you have him there you’d know that spot was well taken care of. Yet you’d still drop him from time to time to see if you have someone younger or flashier. He might misread how much injury time is left in big games.
Right Midfield
Paul Collingwood – Often thought of as nothing more than a defender who plays midfield, yet he can score on occasions and is always important at the end of matches. Only has a right foot, and this often makes his ungainly style look even uglier than it would normally.
Left Back
Ray Price – Hard as nails, ready to hack you just for fun, always slower than the men he is defending. No one ever gets past him with the ball and their shins.
Centre Back
Charl Langeveldt – Steady, consistent, easily droppable, and dependable. He will have been in and out of the team for years. The sort of defender that gets no headlines but does the job when you can’t find anyone better.
Centre Back
Kumar – Silky smooth defender that makes the opposition strikers feel ungainly in comparison. Always takes a piece of the ball, is the captain, penalty taker, and pin up boy of the team. Also the most likely to put off the opposition when they’re taking a penalty.
Right Back
Harbhajan Singh – An attacking insane defender who loves to take free kicks from 40 yards believing that he can score a goal. Mostly he’ll miss by a mile, but every now and then he’ll score. Will also be red carded for the occasional slap.
Keeper
Rahul Dravid – Nothing gets past Rahul. Sure there are times he is less animated than an East German goal keeper, but would you ever back yourself to get through him?
Manager
Jamie Siddons – All the best managers have trouble keeping their emotions in check, Siddonds fits this well. With him in full view of the cameras you can really see the veins almost explode in his head as the other team score.
The abridged version of Lalit Modi’s response to the second show-cause notice
Over at cricinfo there is the complete and uncut Lawyer’s edition of what Lalit Modi said in response to the BCCi’s second show-cause notice.
I’ve read it, and somehow I survived.
It is really long. I obviously don’t like long. I like short. Like this sentence. Or this one.
But you still need to know what is says.
So here it is boiled down to twitter length nuggets.
“Giles thinks our shit is because of a personality clash. I think it is because he is a cunt.”
“Differences between Giles and me came in connection to me calling him a cunt, and him calling me a dodgy bastard.”
“I don’t give a fuck about some English idiot who can’t wear suits that fit, give me my league back.”
“Giles is a prick, but I made you millions and you guys are still giving me shit. That’s cold, dawg”.
“In this particular even I did nothing wrong, and here is 7417 words to prove this. Suckers.”
“I really am a good guy, trust me on that. You should give me my job back, or I’ll send more emails this long.”
There are probably really important details in his email, but that is the thing with things of this length, yawn.
Lalit is fighting for his career, and this is the email of someone fighting for his career.
The good thing about this conflict is you don’t have to pick sides, you can hate Giles and Lalit and then have a glass of mountain dew (or put Vodka in it and call it Goat’s piss).
As for the email, this is a hardcore apologia. Nerdy children should read this for when they want to get out breaking their mum’s vase in a mock indoor test match.
It isn’t the first apologia I’ve read in recent times, the last one was “written” by Ricky Ponting in the form of a diary.
Lalit and Ricky don’t like each other, but when it comes to explaining away why other people are in the wrong and they are in the right, both of them are very similar. They write very long things that put me to sleep.
Maybe they aren’t so different. They should start a club.
Ponting killed in tragic mistaken identity case
How do you know your cricket community has gone to shit?
You burn a toy that relates to the wrong country.
If these Pakistanis had any pride in their effigy they’d burn Apu from the simpsons.
This is sloppy fucken work, and if I was the insane bastard in charge of a posse batshit crazy enough to burn things, I’d at least get the metaphors right.
I assume the group, Pakistani Unified Burnt Effigies Syndicate, had this toy ready expecting Ponting to anally rape Yousuf at the toss, or start throwing shoes at Umar Akmal, and when he didn’t they had the Tassie Devil (a token character, as he hasn’t lived there in how long?) taking up space.
Someone probably said, what does Lalit Modi look like, and someone else said, a smug prick, the first dude probably said, Ricky Ponting is a smug prick.
See how easy these things can get out of hand.
What they need is strong leadership, is Shoaib Malik free?
gritty ricky
I was at the bullring, the current location of England’s collapse, when Ricky Ponting made the Indian attack look like you, me and your mate Dave bowling to him during a world cup final.
I’ve seen him make runs on three continents.
I remember his first test innings, and Arjuna tapping him in a sympathetic way after a shocking LBW.
I’d say I have seen a shitload (the technical term) of his runs.
So when I say I haven’t seen him bat worse than yesterday and make runs, it isn’t some rambling of a drunk with no short term memory, even if I am drunk and my memory is shit.
The first session was just horrible.
On twitter all I could was describe it with a shit joke, “I dated a girl once who had no thumbs, her pulling was still better than ponting’s.”
Ponting could not pull, and yet, in a twist that a movie of the week would love, he couldn’t stop.
Every pull shot was met with a weird part of his body or bat.
The Pakistanis thought it was funny, and they were right.
But bloody Ricky wouldn’t give up, and somehow, without any logic involved, he ended up with his first hundred in 10 tests.
I’ve seen all of those tests, this was the worst he batted, only because he couldn’t have played worse.
I’ve said many a time that he isn’t the batsmen he used to be, but he is still one grumpy mother fucker.
The hairs on his goblin arms were at full attention for all of yesterday, and as we know, they contain special powers.
This wasn’t vintage Ricky, this was vinegar Ricky, but he still made it work.
“I am not blind, I can still pull” says Ponting
Many cricket fans believe that Ponting’s pulling days are gone, but Ponting will not let go.
“Wait until I get fit again and we’ll see if everyone is still saying the same thing about it then. They are such reactive moments, they are instinctive. I’m not sure how people in the past have gone about putting it away. While I can see, I will pull.
I think I have been caught out twice this summer pulling, I’m not embarrassed, it is something that gives me a lot of pleasure so we’ll see how we go with that. But as I said, if I get my elbow right then I think you’ll see me pulling a lot more.
I stopped doing it for the first time the other day midway through the Test match, when all the negative stuff was in the papers about the team and about certain individuals and selecting of the team”.
But if the day comes where I think there is someone better than myself, then by all means I will give it some thought, but I still think I’m the best equipped to be pulling in the Test side. Hopefully I can show everybody that over the next few weeks.”
If pulling pleases him, he should continue.
URGENT NEWS: Ponting kidnapped and replaced by clone as attacking captain takes over
How else could you explain a super aggressive declaration that even Steven Fleming would have been proud of?
Add the fact that Ponting now struggles against the short ball and has to wear an arm guard and you need no more proof.
Obviously this new Ponting is some sort of poor clone, which explains why he doesn’t make hundreds any more.
He was brought in to give Ponting a break, but the Australian team has a fear of playing without him, so this clone (possibly a Raelian clone) is there to make the team feel better.
But, as we all know, clones can’t captain.
So with him around, Katich, or perhaps North, has staged some sort of coup, and decided to captain the Australian team with some real intent.
No bowling Mike Hussey for run rates, no declaring when everyone who can hold a bat has had a bat and no letting the nightwatchman (no captain is perfect) block all day.
I like this new captain, if we could combine him with the original version of Ponting (for his batting) then Australia might have something.
There is also a chance that this is the real Ponting, and that his sore arm was having a spasm in the dressing room and Clarke thought he was declaring.
Both of those are more likely than Ricky Ponting suddenly deciding to be an attacking captain.
Obviously.
