cricket with balls

I’ve seen not one ball of the incredibly important series of One Day Internationals that Zimbabwe, Sri Lanka and India played in. 

All I know is that India kept losing, Sri Lanka lost a few times, and Zimbabwe won.

And by Zimbabwe, you know I mean RAY PRICE WINS.

When Ray Price wins, the whole world wins.

Middle aged men who have spent their whole life paying the bills, ageing poorly, growing ear hair, crushing the dreams of the young and clogging up the establishment now have an angry psycho spinner to be proud of.

Price is the answer to middle age crisis the world over.

He should be sent from golf course to Rotarian club to suburban BBQs to whatever else guys who look like him do.

Price could change the whole world.

So many people have to work for middle aged men who use their power to ruin your life, but with Ray as their inspiration they would be liberated.

Some would start releasing middle aged folk rock albums.

Others would start using back packs.

Millions will be freed.

I am even sure some would take up slow left orthodox in honour of the great man.

If Ray Price can beat the might of India and the coolness of Sri Lanka, what can’t middle aged men do?

For years middle aged men have been holding society back with their sensible hair cuts and mid range sedans.

Thanks to Ray Price that will all change.

Nay sayers will point out that it wasn’t Sri Lanka and India that Ray beat, just second stringers who wore their shirts.

Others may even try and point out that Ray didn’t have a great series or that the tournament final has not been played.

Don’t listen to them middle aged men, Ray is here to save you, and if he can win a cricket tournament for Zimbabwe, just think what he can do for you.

We believe in Ray Price.

So should you.

I suspect I am not the only person who has noticed that finger spinners are taking over the world.

Daniel Vettori has annex New Zealand. Shakib Al-Hasan is turning himself into a minnow Keith Miller. Graeme Swann was struggling to fill the dodgy back bar of dodgy pubs 2 years ago, now he can fill stadiums. Paul Harris is perhaps the freakiest freak ever, and he takes wickets. Nathan Hauritz is Nathan Hauritz, and no one can take that away from him. And now even the ICC is being handed to a rubbish offspinner.

This is a plague of finger spin.

I’ve never truly trusted finger spinners as a breed. It seems to be the skill everyone thinks they can do, even without any real talent. I can’t see why anyone would choose finger spin knowing that wrist spin exists.

But, finger spin has its use.

It may bring us Harris and Hauritz, but there are no other cricket skills that someone like Ray Price could excel at.

And cricket needs its Ray Prices.

If the game was too sterile to have a middle-aged maniac who bowls little more than Darren Lehmann doorknobs, but with more natural aggression than Shaun Tait, then I want none of it. .

Price has that special gift that makes what he does look so easy that you could do the same. It is easy to say, “If I wasn’t some lazy fat bastard with three children and two ex wives I could be bowling rubbish off spin and taking wickets.”

Maybe in your heart you’d know it wasn’t true, but Ray’s genius seems genuinely within your grasp, if only you could get off the couch.

There is something in him, some weird burning passion, some mental disturbance, some chemical imbalance, that means he strangles a cricket game until he gets out of it everything he wants.

Rubbish off spinners aren’t supposed to sledge when they are bowling, they aren’t supposed to mock opposition batsmen or get in their face. They are supposed to go about their job in the least assuming way there is. No strutting, no cockiness, no posturing, no words. Just get through their overs as quick as their hairless bodies will allow while trying not to fuck up the match for the real bowlers.

Not Price.

He is a spitting angry barbarian with the ball in his hand; even if the balls come out like fairy floss. It is almost like no one has told him he bowls off spin.

And Price isn’t some young buck pissing vinegar; according to cricinfo he is 33. I wouldn’t want to doubt Price’s age, but his face has that lived in aesthetic, as if a tiny family of 12 have been there since he was 5.

When you put this altogether you have the angry sweary minnow grandfather of offspin bowling.

One day, when he is too old to be the world’s second best ODI bowler, I hope he just travels the world visiting local cricket nets and hustling young whipper snappers out of their hard earned by saying, “I’ll give you 5 to 1 that you can’t hit me back over my head”.