cricket with balls
just another bullshit cricket blog
Tagged with arjuna ranatunga …
John Howard for President
Picking John Howard for the top ICC job is genius.
You might not think that would be my opening line, but think about it, the Australians have picked the one man who is way more of a cunt than Lalit Modi.
Just finding that person is hard, but then convincing him to take the job takes a special effort.
To be a cricket administrator these days you need to be either dictated to by big business, adept of strangling people with red tape or just evil. The ICC should be ecstatic they have found a man who excels on all fronts.
I can’t think of a more devious flawed con-artist to take the job, but being that the president of the ICC has as much power as the person who runs your local Video store, this is a perfect job for John Howard.
Not that he won’t try and get his hands dirty.
Any of the possible outcomes are possible:
Howard takes over the ICC and sees that the BCCI is the one true power and thusly shoves his nose up their ass and becomes their puppet. He justifies this by saying “while cricket fans may think I am making the wrong decision, as far as the economic situation dictates at this present time there is simply no other option for myself on behalf of the International Cricket Council and that I now feel like I have solidified a strong strategic allegiance with the Board of Cricket Control in India. I am sure that when they sit down to meet they will take the best interests of the world wide game into their minds before they make any decisions based on what suits their own interests best.”
Howard decides that the IPL is the enemy and that it must be broken down so it does not massively destruct the game of cricket. He plans to attack the league on many fronts to divide and conquer, he even declares victory, but it is obvious that he has no real idea what he is talking about and the IPl continues to flourish. Lalit Modi does get fired as the commissioner and Howard then claims that it was his plan all along to make Lalit step down and he thinks that in this current state the IPL is a good for cricket.
Howard declares that Pakistan shall be kicked out of cricket. At first he declines to give reasons, but when asked, the ICC, on his behalf, claim that the whole Pakistani team is involved in match fixing. The media goes into a frenzy, some stating that Howard did the right thing, others staring at the flimsy evidence that is put forward by the ICC. Shortly after an ICC employee admits to faking the evidence and the ICC hires a new PR team.
On Howard’s first trip to Sri Lanka he has to give a speech to their cricket board and interested parties about his previous calls that he believes Murali is a chucker. The speech goes well with Howard humbly apologising, making jokes at his expense and admitting that he was not fully informed at the time of the comment. Most Sri Lankans take it well but Arjuna Ranatunga refuses to accept the apology and drills many hard hitting questions at Mr Howard which makes him sweat in the warm climate and he loosens his shirt collar only for a bullet proof vest to be visible underneath. This does not please the Sri Lankans much.
Howard stops wearing green tracksuits and starts wearing ICC issue pyjamas everywhere he goes.
Nothing changes because the position of the ICC president is the most unpowerful seat in cricket; even the gate attendant at McLean Park in Napier has more.
India cannot lose
This test is a waste of 5 days.
The Indian players should be getting thier shots for Africa.
They cannot lose this test.
It shouldn’t even be called a test, it should be called a walk in the park with a loved one.
Although it should be shorter and catchier.
I say all this because I said South Africa couldn’t win the last test, and they won by an innings and change.
So I figured I might as well give it another go.
Things that are more likley to happen than the Kiwis winning.
Tony Greig admitting he is the reason Brett Lee and his wfe split, cause he wouldn’t stop humping Lee’s leg.
KP announcing he is quitting cricket to find himself by trekking through the himilayas with a robot monkey.
Sunil Gavaskar to finally admit he is a painful bore more often than not.
Arjuna Ranatunga to become a freegan.
Michael Holding to say he always wished he was white, and that he could play the recorder.
Stephen Fleming to start writing for the Daily Mail.
New Zealand has no hope, if they weren’t at home, i’d tell them to go home and not to bother themselves with this match.
India will win, inside 4 days, Bhajji will dance, Zaheer will be a hottie, and people will start to wonder why India has to beat up New Zealand in so many test matches.
Sri Lanka grow some balls
Big hard ones.
The sort of balls that click together and make a manly thud.
Clang, Clang, Clang.
These balls are apparently hanging from Arjuna Ranatunga’s bulky physical nature.
Everything in proportion I suppose.
Incase you have no idea what I am talking about, again, Sri Lanka has decided to let 5 cricketers play in the ICL and first class cricket.
They can “choose” to play in the ICL or the IPL, utter madness, they will all be poisoned with this ICL disease and will never be allowed to talk to Indians again.
Lalit Modi was heard to say,
“bloody muppets”
No one knows how Arjuna was wooed, but fair chances were it was an extremely long lunch, and yet, probably no alcohol.
Just hundreds of chickens and quail.
Since myself and Arjuna are the only two in the world that believe banning ICL players is a German thing to do, he may get condoned by the press, bloggers and random Modi fans alike.
But say what you will, it takes a fair man to stick his middle digit up at a millionaire kidnapper.
Would you?
I cannot believe me and Arjuna agree on anything.
If Arjuna had a blog, oh the angry comments he would get.
That would teach him for this anti establishment behaviour.
New Lanka (Sri Zealand)
I actually did some research, well not really, and I found out that the population of New Zealand is 300 people, and then I checked out Sri Lanka, and they only have a few million.
So I came up with an idea, why not join the two teams together.
Ebony and Ivory baby, the first ever south sub continental pacific side. Boom.
Think about it.
They are both struggling against real test teams, they are both from islands, and they both have odd looking spinners.
It’s a match made in heaven.
The world could spin for another 2000 years before someone related to Bush blows it up, and Sri Lanka or New Zealand aint ever gonna be the number one ranked test teams.
Sri Lanka will be good, frequently, they are a naturally talented cricket nation, but De Silva and Murali have been there only top class champions, that’s a pretty poor return. Also they still haven’t produced a sh1t hot test match quick and they’ve been around for 30 years.
The country is always in turmoil, Ranatunga walks around like he is a Bollywood Clive Lloyd. Politicians pick old dudes for tours. For all their talent, they rely on a bloke with a freak show action, and outside of Kumar and De Silva, their batsmen are good, but never really good.
New Zealand are always better than they should be, which is lucky, cause they should be completely f*cken awful. No one thinks about cricket better than the Kiwi’s, but have you ever thought why, because they are not very good at the game.
Its not their fault, they have a basketball team, two rugby teams and a cricket team to pick from 300 residents. Once you take out the women, old people, young people and the disabled, who do you have left, 60 dudes and Helen Clark.
But if you take New Zealand’s team and mash it with Sri Lanka’s team, you have something.
Sanath and Fleming at the top, Kumar and Taylor in next. Oram and Silva in the middle, Vettori and Murali with the spin, Bond and Malinga with the new ball. And Vaas as first change and number 7.
That is a more than handy side, throw in Craig McMillan (I know he’s retired but I’m not ready to say good bye just yet) and Mahela and you got yourself a squad.
That is a side that could beat the evil South African robots, and certainly make Australia bat twice, if nothing else.
And if that side isn’t enough then we could throw in Mohammad Ashraful, and any other Bangladeshi player, until they are good enough to play on their own.
Roy Dias to coach.
Mark Greatbatch to look after fitness, Ranatunga as dietician and Martin Crowe on public speaking, grooming and how to generally be as smooth as Martin Crowe.
Sounds like a plan to me.
the all important trophy naming game
According to Cric Info there is a push for the Sri Lanka v Australia test series and be named the Warne Murali trophy.
Could it be known as the drug chucking trophy.
I’ve got a better idea, one that could even get the sponsors involved.
A cup in honour of Mark Taylor and Ajuna Ranatunga and get in sponsored by the (uhum) healthy choice options from McDonalds.
We can call it the McDonalds Healthy Choices Fat C*nts cup.
Commemorating when Arjuna cheated and the Aussie selectors gave away the world cup before it started by picking a test player who wasn’t suited to the one day game at all as captain.
There are other options.
The Waugh De Silva Silverware.
The Venkatipathi Raju memorial trophy.
The Malinga Bracken hair care plate.
Or my personal favourite.
The Vaas Vase.
Harold and Chucker go to White Australia
Some people in Australia may not have noticed, with the races and the election going on, but an international team flew in with Murali recently.
Some call them Sri Lanka.
Some call them the chucker’s team and others call them the team that the fat man captained to victory over the evil Australians.
Either way they are here, and I feel like I should give a little pre test gambit on the series.
If you can call two tests a series.
Sri Lanka’s batting has always been the strength. Old man Santath, Old man Marvin and Old man Mahela have all been around since Arjuna was an XXXL. Sanath just smashed Paul Rofe and Callum Bailey all around the Adelaide oval. But he would, that’s his kind of ground, flat pitch that caters for spinner, with the shortest square boundaries you’ll find in Australia.
Problem is the first test is at the Gabba and Paul Rofe and Callum Bailey won’t be in attendance.
Kumar is the main man for Sri Lanka with the bat, the boy can play, but like a lot of sub continent players before him he isn’t suited to Australian wickets, the gabba especially. What will help Sri Lanka is the fact the Australian bowling line up is new. What won’t help them is the fact Brett Lee likes bowling to Sri Lanka, especially Sanath. And if Tait plays (unlikely, but possible) he will be fired up to bowl quicker than Malinga, and who needs that.
Their bowling is interesting, I think Fernando is too fragile, and if he shows any weakness he becomes a huge liability. Malinga is a good bowler, but there is also a chance that once you get use to him, he comes onto the bat nicely. Vaas could have been the worlds best first change bowler, back in the day, problem was he was the main man due to the fact Sri Lanka has never had a good enough quick to go with him. While he is still good for some wickets he aint the man he used to be.
Murali (chief chucker) is the man who has to take the majority of the wickets. The Aussies generally play him better than most. And Australian wickets don’t seem to be his favourite. Having said that he hasn’t spent much time here in tests since the fat racist stuck his arm out (quite correctly). He really needs upwards of 15 wickets in the two tests for Sri Lanka to win.
Australia is not perfect this time around, in fact if ever a side was going to come here it would be after Warne, McGrath and some other guy retired.
Sri Lanka needs to get Jacques (I’m assuming) out under ten in his first innings. They need to make the opening slot a weakness. I’ve seen a lot of Jacques bat (cause he bats a lot) and once he is in, he is fucking awesome. He can take a test away by drinks on the first day. However he is not a great starter, like most players with basic footwork, he can get nicks early on, somehow Sri Lanka need to make sure he gets one early in the first test.
If Jacques gets in a big partnership with Hayden or Ponting in the first dig, that’s it, game over baby, game over.
The other advantage Sri Lanka must capitalise on is Australia’s new bowling attack. Santath and Kumar need to attack Lee, forget about Clark and destroy Johnson or Tait and milk MacGill.
Sounds easy enough on paper. Lee can’t be allowed to get early wickets, but Ponting must take him from the attack going for too many runs. Clark must be ignored, just treat him the same way you would McGrath. As for Johnson or Tait you can’t allow them to take early wickets or have their bad balls go unpunished.
This is a very important series for world cricket, no really it is.
If Jacques comes in and smotes them, look out, if he gets his confidence in international cricket, there are gonna be fast bowlers crying into the cereal before games.
And if Lee can finally step up, and Tait and Johnson become International bowlers, oh my. Seriously I’m getting all giddy at the thought of it.
The Australians will keep rolling as number one.
However if Sri Lanka can expose the weakness at the top, stop the bowlers from gelling, well they might even snatch a draw, which means India can snatch a draw or ass a win and then the world as we know it, will never be the same again.
Arjuna will look after you murali, go sit on his knee
Let me just make this crystal clear, there will be dickheads who racially taunt someone this summer in Australia.
Arjuna is right about that.
Why, because people are cock heads, and when cock heads drink they say stupid shit.
But Murali is a special case, he wont just be racially abused, in fact he may be racially abused less than others. In Australia from the time he touches down till the time he leaves he will be called a chucker.
Ganguy will be called a prick.
Sreesanth will be called a loud mouth.
Dhoni, um let me see, pretty boy.
Malinga is a girl.
And so on and so forth.
In Australia racism still has its moments, but most of us would much prefer to call Ganguly a dickhead and Murali a chucker, as its more personal.
Also there will be signs at the cricket for the Indian games that say, “Who’s minding the Kwik E Mart” and “Who’s drivin the taxis tonight?”.
last weeks poll
According to you, the people, Sourav Ganguly is going to play Bass guitar for Brett Lee’s band Six & Out (not the blog sixandout.net) after retirement. (36%)
Interesting selection that.
Coming in second was rich twat, which is unfair anyway, because he is already a rich twat. (16%)
And in the bronze slot is leader of the universe, which was probably voted for by Indians. (12%)
Personally I’m disappointed that no one voted him to become Ranatunga’s bitch. I was picturing a dog collar and everything.
the chief is gone
This weeks poll is dedicated to the man known as Inzy.
It’s hard not to like Inzy. His grace was probably only matched in recent times by Gower, Chappell (Greg), VVS Laxman and Mark Waugh. However all these men were lithe and smooth creatures and you got the feeling everything they did was smooth, especially with the ladies.
Inzy is built like a lumberjack, and when not holding a cricket bat, he has the grace of a drunken lumberjack, on New Years Eve, in a snow storm, picking up a tea cup, off a quick moving seal.
Something transformed when he held a bat though, his stillness at the crease was almost hypnotic. He was the opposite of most modern batsmen who jump around like they need a piss (coughmichaelcoughslater) . Inzy was a statue, then at the last minute a shuffle, great timing, and 4 runs. It was almost as if he didn’t switch on till the bowler hit the crease.
Like Warne, Ranatunga and Mike Gatting before him, he proved that test cricket is not about how many laps you can run, or how heavy the weights are you lift. Cricket fit has nothing to do with real fitness. Ian Harvey was never fit, but I saw him bowl so many high class 20 over spells for Victoria at less than 2 runs an over.
Cricket fit is about being mentally and physically ready for the next ball.
Inzy was never in shape, he was never an athlete. He was a batsmen, a slip fielder, and eventually a more than handy captain.
In the west we never really understood him. He didn’t seem speak English (although he did), he didn’t give press conferences, he didn’t train, and he didn’t make enough high scores. He didn’t write tour diaries, appear on footy shows, praise Jesus, get drunk, release his own bbq sauces or sleep with skanky ho’s.
He batted. Poetically. Stoically. Fluently.
He would never have made it to the top level of cricket anywhere else than Pakistan. Which is why I love Pakistan. They don’t judge on techniques, temperament or training intensity, they look for wickets and runs. And that gives the game a colour.
I will always remember Inzy as the man who gave Pakistan a world cup, the man who made running between wickets a vaudeville routine, and the man who seemed to be confused why Shane Warne wouldn’t just shut up and get back to the top of his mark and bowl.
Inzy was different. Inzy was talented. Inzy was lazy. Inzy was a champion. Inzy was Inzy.
And the game was better for having him stumble between wickets.
Long live the chief.
