Tagged with rahul dravid

Rahul’s IPL

’09

3 matches

134 runs

High score of 66

Average of 44

Strike rate of 144

Worth a million?

’08

14 matches

371 runs

High score of 75*

Average of 28

Strike rate of 124

Throw in the dodgy captaining as well.

He also had the 2nd worst strike rate of anyone in the top 12 run scores, only Graeme Smith had a lower strike rate, but he averaged 48.

This year he has been the best batsman in the tournament.

So far.

And it isn’t far, only 3 games, But he is.

He has the pretty little hat, his fans are excited,  and at the moment he is worth the money he is being paid.

Last year he wasn’t.

If I was rewriting my Bangalore post at the moment, I would change KP to Model and Rahul to porn star.

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Old Dogs

Prince Brendon may have started last years IPL with a full frontal assualt on the crowd, but this year the old dudes and an untouchable dog started us off.

Sachin chipped away a 50 odd.

Hayden followed that up by top scoring for the sooper dooper kings.

Next game the old guys really came out.

Rahul (still not a 2020 player, but still classy when his team is falling apart) top scored and pretty much kept Bangalore from collapse.

Warne was probing like a motherfucker too, some of his balls wouldn’t have looked out of place in his best of.

Anil didn’t like being overshadowed and popped in with 5 wickets as the tail fell apart.

The cricket was scrappy, there was always something in it for the bowlers, a great collapse by last year’s champsions and a leg spin master class.

It was a proper cricket day, with 10 minute ad breaks.

Jesse looks hot in red as well.

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The Ultimate IPL Guide: Bangalore Royals

Reporting this tournament in any sort of conventional style would be pretending this is a sporting event.

It’s not. Its an entertainment juggernaut.

It doesn’t matter who wins or loses, but who entertains you.

Here is a run down of the players who can be relied upon for some sort of pleasure.

Bangalore

Still look like a librarian, but more one you’d like to do learn the dewy decimal system from.

Porn Star: KP

The man they all wanted. Won’t be there long, has a shocking 2020 record, but will have every camera and microphone pointed at him. Captaining, because that worked so well for him last time.

Pole Dancer: Jesse Ryder

An absolute bargain buy, but could end up as the go to guy for Bangalore with his hitting, occasional wobblers, and general presence, Bangalore might just jump on the big fella’s back and ride him towards the finals.

The boy next door: Virat Kohli

Probably the poorest looking Indian line up in the league. Kohli stands out, is still young, but looks like a freak with the bat.

Model: Rahul Dravid

Made a lot of runs last time, but not at a great rate. Is just not suited to this format, and is here because he is a legend of Indian cricket, not because he is a great 2020 player.

Home Made/Amateur: Roelof van der Merwe.

Smashing Australia at the moment. Handy spinner and ADD like hitter.

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Someone has a sense of humour


India v England, 2nd Test, Mohali, 1st day

Gambhir, Dravid light up gloomy day

Top knock from Gotham city.

Bakced up well by the cadaver with a bat in Dravid.

But light up?

With strike rates of 46 and 31, they couldn’t light up my asshole by sticking a torch up there.

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Rahul, you’ve done enough

Please India, please put Dravid out of his misery.

I can’t do this any longer.

I can’t watch him at the crease.

I can’t standing him in this kind of pain.

If you have any heart at all, put him down.

I am sure he can average 30 runs a year for the next 2 years on sheer grit and determination.

But this is not the Dravid we fell in love with.

It saddens me that youngsters will remember Dravid as that dude who stood in front of the stumps for an hour or so at a time before departing them.

There was a time when he was king.

At that time his forward defence could give you an erection that could kill jesus.

He was nick named the wall for good reason, getting through to the stumps was like deflowering the girl who runs the born again Christian chatroom.

While his Indian peers batted with flamboyance and panache, he batted like a starving dude fighting for the last loaf of bread for his family.

And a lot of us loved him for it.

But now he is holding on a little too tight.

The magic has left him, he may still make the off fighting half century, he may even ass a century, but this is not the man we loved.

He is a photocopy of a replica that was taken from an out of focus picture in a dark and dreary rain storm.

Dravid, your fans will always love you, but stop torturing yourself, careers finish, but legends remain.

Leave now, because you are too good to be dropped.

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royal old dudes sack their non main man

Bangalore were the obvious team to fall apart in the IPL.

They spent too much one on players who are not 2020 players, and then played their non performing players ahead of the only two 2020 players they have.

Their captain, and main selector, is a dinosaur.

I love Rahul Dravid.

Back in his day the boy could bat the house down.

The IPL is long removed from his day.

Now he is a plodder. Not even a probot, he is just a middle order test batsman who refuses to play shots or go out.

But as a one day batsman, or as a 2020 batsman, he is a non event.

As a 2020 captain, he is a disaster.

The team has no vision, no attacking instincts, and are only called a “team” because they all wear the same uniform.

But all this is the fault of whoever picked Dravid as iCON, I’m assuming Vijay Mallya, the owner.

What is Dravid’s fault is the squad selection , Kallis, Jaffer, Kumble, and Chandrepaul.

He picked a squad who could never play against proper 2020 teams.

So that is why Dravid should have been fired before the CEO.

Or dropped.

Cameron White is in the squad, he is the captain of the best 2020 domestic team in the world.

He is also a far better 2020 batsman than Dravid.

The next major mistake was whoever kept Misbah Ul Haq out of the team.

Misbah came into the side late, but the team was already horrible, he had to be the first player picked.

Instead he was kept on the bench for 2 games.

Who made that mistake?

So to recap.

Vijay Mallya, should sell the team for fu©king up in the first place, he should sell it to a Russian mafia billionaire.

Rahul Dravid should step down for not being up to it as captain or batsman, and should retire gracefully, before people remember him as the nervous looking dude who can’t score for hours .

And whoever left Misbah out of the team should be fired, and possibly spanked.

So like all professional sports teams they fired the CEO, who I assume had little to do with any of these mistakes.

Coach, next, manager after that.

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how i sees em 2

Steve Waugh – he is one of those army sergeants no one wants around unless something goes wrong. The generals don’t like him, and the young privates feel weird drinking around him.

Ricky Ponting – bats like he is Paul Newman. Walks around like a self aware 19 year old.

Saurav Ganguly – bats like a stuck up private school kid who has had caviar in his play pen. When its easy, he’s good, when its hard he’s on the golf course.

Rahul Dravid – fights at the crease like a human fighting off the giant insect alien hordes coming to destroy earth.

Inzamam Ul Haq – bats as if time is not a construct.

Mohammad Yousuf – bats like a tight ass. You get the feeling every run is a vital cog in his self esteem.

Brian Lara – plays the game like he is the most talented kid in the park.

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how many bowlers does it take to draw a series?


5 apparently.

It’s a big call for India, as 5 bowlers will completely change the complexion of their side.

Last week in Perth the balance was perfect.

To fit Harbhajan in without losing another bowler the Indians need to lose a batsman.

No prizes for guessing Wasim Jaffer will be the man given the @ss, he is still waving his bat at passing traffic, even in Adelaide.

That means that Dravid needs to open again, but didn’t he just do that and hate it?

It doesn’t stop there, it also means Ganguly or Laxman to 4, and most importantly Dhoni to 6.

Dhoni batted like someone else in Perth & Sydney, he is obviously not in very good form.

India’s batting form this series really hasn’t been great this series.

They have only scored over 350 once so far, and with Dhoni at 6 that is really opening up guys who are good honest bowlers who bat. You can’t call Pathan or Kumble test all rounders would be stretching the friendship.

I’ve always thought handling 5 proper (kallis types don’t count) bowlers is tough for a captain, because someone always gets the short straw.

If India do pick all 5 bowlers, I’d lay money on Sharma being the one to get the short straw.

The Mantis does have a lot of potential and did bowl some great spells in Perth, but so far wicket taking hasn’t been his forte, so he is the logical choice.

Also he can’t bat, so you ain’t losing much there.

You could argue he gives more variety to the attack, but two left armers, a straight leggie and offie is a pretty varied attack I’d say.

5 bowlers may guarantee a result, but perhaps not the result the Indians want.

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remember cricket, its the thing they play between hearings and press confrences

A lot of people seemed to miss this, but while Australians were being hypocrites and Indians were throwing hissy fits, there was a test that got played.

I’m going to do something radical here and talk about the cricket.

Australia has two bowlers of test match standard.

Brett Lee, the reformed Indian singer, who has suddenly learnt how to combine bowling fast with taking wickets, and Stuart Clark, the middle management specialist who just continues to take wickets.

Then they have Mitchell Johnson, whom I have mentioned before, has two personalities. One day he is a fire breathing dragon, the next a puppy with a wet nose. If he finds conditions that swing he is damn good, if not he is damn annoying to watch. Luckily for him, Rick(y) seems to like him, which may account for the amazing amount of overs he bowled in the first innings, even when he continued to bowl dribble.

The last of the quartet is George Bradley Hogg, the man who is not talented enough to be related to the great north suburban fire brand Rodney Hogg (Yes googlers, Rodney Hogg is not Brad Hogg’s daddy/uncle/cousin or husband). I never though he was up to test match standard, judging from the last afternoon in Sydney, neither does Rick(y).

Players who do not have full support of Rick(y) tend to go the way of Jimmy Hoffa. Mind you Rick(y) may not have to stomp his foot, Hogg is injured and under investigation, plus the fact the selectors are dying to bring Tait in at the Waca.

Their batting is quite solid, but there is one major question mark, Michael Clarke. No one doubts this guy can seriously bat, but he does struggle under the strenuous nature of coming in when wickets are falling and the pressure is at its hottest. He is a long way from being an automatic selection in my eyes.

India too have their problems.

I love Yuvraj Singh the one day player. Arrogant, clever, stylish, brutal. A run machine capable of taking apart a bowling attack piece by piece and mailing it back to its family in some sort of sick game. But I hate Yuvraj the test player, frightened, lost, alone, cold, blocked sinuses. A scrawny man at a Xena Warrior princess lookalike contest. Where is the Yuvraj I know and love, cause this one stinks.

Wasim Jaffer can bat, I am positive of this fact. Unfortunately right at the moment, he is not. As I write this he is on the street in front of his hotel, waiving his bat at cars and expecting them to magically swerve and not hit him.

Perhaps in the 2nd dig Rahul Dravid again found some semblance of form, but the Waca will test that out once and for all.

Setting aside what happens to Harbhajan, the 4th bowler is the only concern for India’s attack. But that said Sharma is a shoe in for Perth, I mean what is this guy, like 8 feet tall.

Remember when we used to talk about cricket, back in 2007, it seems like only yesterday.

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Replace all cricketers with Harrison Ford I say


As much as I love VVS, I’m very angry with him right now.

Sydneysiders have got to watch him make two hundreds already.

But what have I seen, some starts, some teases and a lot of foreplay, but do I get the satisfaction one can receive from a Laxman hundred, no.

Sorry VVS, you will never be able to replace Natalie Portman in my dreams.

I didn’t even get to see it on the TV, but I did get to hear Harsha, Peter, Skull and Geoff Lawson talk about how great Laxman was, and how sh1te Dravid was.

I’ve always liked Dravid, so when I say this, I say it lovingly, in Japan when a samurai warrior is past his use by date, he commits seppuku. Think about it Rahul.

Australia are in a pretty good position at the close of play, and we all knows it’s because of the damn umpires, not the fact they let two tail enders score half centuries.

Bloody cheating Australians.

Steve “Roo” Bucknor and Mark “Emu” Benson continued to cheat for Australia at every turn, we all know that if it wasn’t for the umpires Tendulkar would average 99.95 and India would be the number one test nation in the world.

Rick(y) obviously decided that his hissy fit yesterday was a bit soft, so today he caught Dravid and then said he didn’t. That’s not true, he probably wasn’t sure if he caught it or not, so he decided to not go to the third umpire.

This is a shame, because Mark Nicholas is at his best when commentating third umpire replays. In fact its the only time I don’t want to do him bodily harm.

I think we should use the third umpire for every ball, just to make 100 perecent sure there are no mistakes, then we should replace umpires with robots that can count and use Blade Runneresque replicants instead of players.

That will stop all mistakes.

Mitchell Johnson got another wicket of a no ball today, but his one true fault is bowling 74 centimetres outside off stump all fu©king day.

Laxman proved he is a humanitarian by donating to the Save The Tongue Foundation, the chairman is Sourav.

Dravid spent all day not playing a shot, including a whole session where he scored 19 with only 6 singles, but then played possibly the ugliest shot this side of a Michael Bevan short ball convention.

Tomorrow I resume my position on the couch.

Remember, every day that I get fatter, I do so for you, the people.

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