Tagged with Queensland …

Mar 21 2010
6 Comments
general balls

the cricket twilight zone

Currently I am in some sort of a cricket haze.

I’ve been trapped in that cricket time zone that only a sick fucker would wilfully expose themselves too.

A cricket twilight zone where everything is happening around me and I’m trying to watch it all.

If you are reading this, I assume that at least once in your life you have done the same. The two test matches showing on the same day but in two different time zones has killed many a fan.

For me, it started for the shield final.  After spending one whole night looking for an illegal feed of the game I ended up just following the ball by ball on cricinfo till late into the night, and swapping that with my iphone and cricket Australia’s site from there on in.

This all became worth it when VICTORIA TOOK A SHEFFIELD SHIELD TROPHY SIZE DUMP on Queensland to win back to fucken back shield victories.  Although on the first night when they were 6/75 I did want to murder them.

Then the Australia Vs New Zealand test started, and being that Sky had spent all their budget on Zimbabwe West Indies, I had to watch it on illegal feeds instead.

Between these two series I was kept up to 2 or 3 am for a day or so, until I started my shifts on test match sofa.

Those tests started at 3am my time.

So my body went from going to bead at 3am, to being fully awake at 3am.

The first night of my commentary I was completely pissed after co-inventing a drinking game around moustaches in the show the First 48.

So drunk, watching one test on TV, watching another on the computer and following the match that meant the most to me via text commentary.

For the small time I am awake in the afternoon I usually watch about 30 minutes of comatose IPL action as well, generally I go back to sleep before I even work out who is playing.

It has been a big couple of days; I know I enjoyed most of it, although I feel like I have been flying around the world as cricket was shown to me on one of those shitty little screens.

I was so tired at one stage I’ll swear I saw an Australian player kiss his sponsor’s badge.

Funny what your mind does to you with no sleep, some alcoholic intervention and not enough sleep.

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Nov 25 2007
general balls

ashley matrix

I don’t know how many of you have watched the Animatrix short films series.

They were made as a cheat sheet for Matrix nerds (Big daddy & I) as a filler for all the plot holes between Matrix 1 & 2.

I mention this, not because I plan on giving you a review of these short films, but because one of them has sort of (not really) become true.

There is a short film in the series called, World Record, it’s by far one of the wankier ones.

It’s about a sprinter who works out that the matrix exists by his super human performances.

This reminds me of Ashely Noffke’s recent performances.

19 wickets at 20, with three 5 wicket hauls. 393 runs with one century and a few fiddys to his name. State cricket has never seen a transformation like it.

One minute he is an average bit player who destroys Victoria from time to time, and now he is Luke freakin Skywalker.

Average players need to accept their place in life, they can’t suddenly become Keith Miller or Imran Khan.

When one breaks the shackles, if they perform so far above their station in life that they rip at the very fabric of reality, their body can surely not live up to that sort of strain.

Hence why Ashley Noffke performed such a perfect superhuman job of destroying Victoria, and then his body gave way.

There are limits to human endurance, and Ashley has learnt, he is not meant to perform at that level.

Luckily for him he hasn’t ended up in an asylum like the dude in the animatrix.

However he has learnt his lesson, so we can expect more measured performances from him, none of this superman ©rap in the future.

Monica was in the second Matrix. True Story.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 07 2007
5 Comments
general balls

the reverse swing matrix

Surprisingly there are some things in life, and occasionally in cricket that I don’t understand.

This one has been bothering me for a while now.

Why do bowlers generally bowl out swing with the new ball, and in swing when the ball reverse swings?

I know there are exceptions to the rule, Freddy doesn’t mind the odd outswinger with reverse swing, Waqar Younis often bowled in swingers with the new ball, but both of these men are in the minority.

Is it as simple as opening batsmen look more susceptible to the swing away and middle to late order batsmen are more likely to leave a gap between bat and pad?

That seems too simple to me.

People say fast bowlers are stupid, but Michael Slater and Navjot Sidhu have proven to us that top order batsmen aren’t exactly Stephen Hawking either.

Hell Phil Tufnell and Warne haven’t exactly proved that spinners are intelligent either.

So it has to more than fast bowlers being stupid.

Many top order batsmen don’t like the ball coming in at them, hence Gillespie getting so many wickets with his off cutter.

Late order batsmen might struggle with the ball swinging in, but surely middle order batsmen have trouble with the ball moving away just like their top order counterparts do.

Do fast bowlers lack the creativity to try something different?

I blame the South Africans and those from New Texas (Queensland) for this.

Should we promote arts and crafts for fast bowlers so they think outside the square and other alternative thinking clichés.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Oct 17 2007
6 Comments
victorian bushrangers

first week state round up

Sound up from the first week of state cricket in Australia

Queensland (new texas) v Tasmania

Qld really let themselves down with this one, Tassie and Victoria are always susceptible early in the season up north. early on it looked like Noffke with his 5 wickets then his amazing century was going to win the game on his own. Then Michael Di Venuto stepped up, he batted for a day and a half making 178 and dragging Tasmania to a draw they didn’t deserve.

The balls: When you get a good team on the ropes you have to finish them, Queensland really need the out right here, but in the second dig, when the wicket was flatter they struggled. According to Big daddy Noffke will be playing for Australia soon. I don’t think so.

Victoria v South Australia

This wasn’t a game. For the redbacks (sa) it was more like they were caught naked in their backyard with a tub of margarine. David Hussey smote them, Wade withstood them, Nannes, Siddle and Denton cut them down. Jason Gillespie top scored in both innings (with 18 in the second dig of 77). The redbacks bowling was fine, they were beaten by a good batting line up. Hussey made 176 for the game for one out. Their batting is shit house, I’m talking battlefield earth bad. Gillespie and Elliott were the only batsmen to provide résistance, and they are both over 30. For the bushrangers (vics) their no name bowling line up was pretty damn good again

The balls: The Vics are a damn good team, the redbacks are not, and they have the welt marks on their ass to prove it. David Hussey best number 4 in the country? Ponder that mofo’s.

Western Australia v New South Wales

Damn I hate New South Wales, the minute I finished writing they were shit they come out and shit all over the warriors (wa). The blues (nsw) look crap on paper, and they struggled early on. They were only saved by a hundred by of all people Matthew Nicholson who is look spritely for an 83 year old. From that century onwards this was the blues game. Their quicks destroyed the warriors, then Jacques went in and won the opening slot for Australia. In the second dig for the warriors they fell apart again, with the oldest young man on the planet, Bollinger, getting a five for.

The balls: How shit are the warriors? Pretty shit. How good are the blues? Who knows. Has Jacques done enough to start at the top of the order for the Aussies, you’d say so.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Oct 11 2007
4 Comments
general balls

first domestic one dayer

Tasmania took Queensland (new texas) roughly without buying them any drinks. Queensland was left tied to a bed head with no pants on, feeling quite violated.

Lucky the rain came before Tasmania could get really kinky with them.

Tim Paine batted at 7 and made 70 odd. Oh yeah baby. Brad Haddin & Chris Hartley take one step back please Australia has its new wicket keeper.

Timothy Paine, professor of entomology.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Oct 08 2007
2 Comments
general balls

the domestic aussie season

Homer has suggested I do a break down of the upcoming domestic cricket, and why not. I’m not qualified at all, but when has that stopped me before.

I won’t take into account the 2020 Kentucky fried rat crap, and as for the one day ing cup thing I think the Victorians and Tasmanians look good. But what would I know.

New South Wales-

This looks to be the weakest NSW squad ever. Richard Chee Quee would be a walk up starter in this side. However the team could be given a major boost if Bracken or MacGill don’t play test cricket.

Batting is very light on, Brad Haddin and Simon Katich are going to have to carry the team. Thronley is handy, but he is a good five or six, in this side he may have to bat higher. Moises Henriques is only 20, but I’ve already heard so much about this kid. So far he hasn’t shown much at the top level. This could be his year. He will probably have to bat top 6. Hopefully they don’t over bowl him as well.

Bowling could be interesting. Bollinger has been spruiked up, and the dude looks 45. He played well for Australia A, I’ve never rated him, but when Bracken is playing for Australia Bollinger is the man. Matthew Nicholson is 33 and was really never that good. Hauritz and Casson are vying for the back up to MacGill, Casson would be my choice. Will be interesting to see which way they go.

The rub, they look weak to me, but they are NSW and they are very rarely bad. They look a little shallow in batting and fast bowling, but as usual they seem to have shit loads of spinners to decide from. Likely finish 4-6.

Queensland (new texas)-

They look strong, they always look strong. They are old Bichel, Maher, Kasprowicz, Perron and Love are all on the wrong side of 30.

Their batting is classy, Shane Watson opening the batting is interesting. Martin Love the sex symbol of state cricket is still a good player, and is unlucky to have not played more tests. I haven’t heard of any young batsmen coming through, but they have 4 classy performers and Chris Hartley the keeper is a damn fine batsman himself.

Bowling, Nofke, Bichel, Kasprowicz and Jurgenson is a good fast bowling quartet. But its Queensland what else would you expect. Still no spinner, but its Queensland what else would you expect. Watson may be playing more games for Queensland than he expected this year, but he won’t be bowling.

The rub, a lot of these guys are getting ready to retire and move to the gold coast. They still have class, Watson and Kasprowicz are under injury clouds. Love and Maher must be nearing the end. Barring trips to the old people homes and emergency wards they should finish 1-3.

Now I’m tired I’ll do two more tomorrow.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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