Tried hard, bless ‘em.

England

Were looking great, yet got a bit dead rubbered at stages.  Lost the plot to Australia’s tail and losing key wickets.  Sending out a nightwatchman for Collingwood was just odd, unless Anderson had just been promoted ahead of him on form.

Who’s in front

No one has grabbed this game, England still in slight control.  They’d be already in front if they’d been a touch smarter to the tail.

Play of the day

In modern cricket you get a pat on the back for average fielding, you get two pats on the back for decent fielding, three for excellent fielding, and 4 or more for Natalie Portman fielding.  Phil Hughes copped a full blooded clip off the pads at short leg, looked like he might have lost a nut, saved four, and got one pat on his back.

Testicular moment of the day

Andrew Strauss is not known as captain thunderpants when he bats.  He’s often not as dour as people say.  Today he was positive and ruthlessly efficient.  Like a guy trying to pick up at a wedding in a country town.

Working class moment of the day

Michael Beer now knows what it is like to take a test wicket.  This would be ok if he had a test wicket.  Instead one of two things happen, he finally takes one, and it doesn’t feel as good as the first, or he never does and Billy Bowden one day gets hit in a hit and run.

Weird factoid of the day

Mitchell Johnson doesn’t always get wickets after he has made runs, but that’s because sometimes he forgets he makes runs.

Putting England to sleep didn’t work, neither anything else.  Not dead, but starting to stink up a touch.

England

Bowled really well, but bowled for show, the big jaggers are pretty whilst showing that you’re bowling a bit short. Bowled better after lunch and the fact that Australia scored most of their runs through third man means good lines.

Who’s in front

England are in front.  A 150 run partnership could change that.  As could a collection of leopards let loose on the field.

Play of the day

Tim Bresnan takes the wicket of Michael Clarke and tries to celebrate with his teammates.  Instead is cleaned up by the sniping KP who knocks him over.  Earlier in the day the fun came from Watson punching his bat and Hughes headbutting his, as both were obviously solely to blame for their dismissals.

Testicular moment of the day

Home crowd, first test, first ball, clipped away with ease.  Louder home crowd, first test, second ball, pull shot for four.  It shows how brilliant Australia is going that a 37 is getting so much attention.  Usman just looked so composed that you want to like him.

Working class moment of the day

Tremlett bowled highlight reel balls early on.  Ended the day with one wicket.  Seems unfair.  Although his facial expressions rarely change, so maybe he was happy with this.

Weird factoid of the day

Usman Khajawa is now a better a batsmen in all dimensions than Andrew Hilditch ever was.

Were 10 Peter Siddle’s short of a cricket team.

England

Batted like the word declaration had never been invented.  Hopefully that word has been by tomorrow.

Are the ashes won?

Sure, why not.

Play of the day

Anything Ricky Ponting did.  Everything Ricky Ponting did.  He was just on fire, bowling Clarke and his dodgy back while Smith and Watson watched on, his chats with umpires and batsmen, his slow cool walk in for a run out that wasn’t to be.  And just being Ricky Ponting.

Testicular moment of the day

Ranjan Madugalle’s effort to give Ponting a 40% fine for stopping the game for let’s say 5 minutes, while he complained about a 3^rd umpire decision that he thought he saw better from the centre of the MCG than one of the world’s best umpires sitting right in front of a screen.  Why even fine him, why not just apologise to him for the whole situation.  Make Erasmus come in and grovel before him.  Give him more money. Find him a good bar.  Go out on the bay, catch some fish, scale them, cook them in a garlic and lemon sauce, put them on a naked woman and have them delivered to his room.

Working class moment of the day

Trott plays off his pads well.

Weird factoid of the day

Jonathan Trott is the best invisible batsmen of all time.

Skinned themselves alive in front 85,000 people, then 25,000.

England

Put the ball in the right area about 12 times, then let the ball come to them or left the balls they didn’t want to play.  Revolutionizing cricket one test at a time.

Who’s in front

England after 72.5 overs.

Play of the day

Shane Watson was dropped 2 on the way to five. Twice.  He still walked out like someone had kicked his footy on the roof.

Testicular moment of the day

The England bowling attack get this as a unit, even Swann, just for being there.  Bowling teams often lose the plot when they bowl first, and when bowling first in front of 85,000 people calling you an asshole mongrel bastard fucker, it could get to you,  Instead they stuck to the right areas and let the magic come to them.

Working class moment of the day

The MCG crowd reminded me of a country who elects a cheap suit as their leader, thinking he is some radical new kind of politician who will change their lives, then early they realize he isn’t and they all abandon him.  I sure yesterday’s cricket proves some political theory.  It also confirms why I hate people.

Weird factoid of the day

Right at the moment it is still statistically possible for Australia to win the Ashes.

The bowlers are doing so well it’s like they were on strike in Adelaide and forgot to inform the media.

England

It seemed that Strauss stopped captaining early on and rang the party organisers to move it to Melbourne.

Who will retain the ashes

England.  Australia can’t keep this up.  Mitchell is too Mitchell to be able to keep this up, and the rest seem to need a touch of Mitchell to get them started.

Play of the day

My friend Ruth claims she saw the nutsack of the streaker.  If she did she saw what looked like two very white balls.  Personally I thought the streaker was great because he found a way to trip himself up with his own pants before the security even got to him.

Testicular moment of the day

I suppose that goes to the streaker.  Although Mike Hussey was pretty good too.

Working class moment of the day

People will remember that Chris Tremlett took a five wicket haul at the WACA.  They will also remember that England lost and then they’ll sigh.

Weird factoid of the day

Hussey has now made 19 straight 50s in this ashes series.  Maybe more.

Well, who knew.

England

Entered the day looking like they could win the ashes by the weekend, ended the day wishing they hadn’t taken the piss out of poor lil Mitch.

Who’s in front

Australia should now win the match from here, although they are due a collapse in this innings.

Play of the day

Siddle and Prior were having a go at each other after Prior was very unlucky to get bowled.  Ponting seemed to step in and try and settle Siddle down.  Then he seemed to have a go at Prior.  I like a man who can enter a conflict with the intention of making it better only to make it worse.

Testicular moment of the day

Cricketers all around the world are asking to be dropped so they can fly to the magical Adelaide nets and find the magic beans Mitchell used.  On a day like this you can build up enough good faith to spend 6 tests in a row playing shithouse before getting dropped.

Working class moment of the day

Ian Bell played the most composed innings of the test.  Had it not been for batting with the tail he wouldn’t have been dismissed in this series yet.  And, he’s Ian Bell.

Weird factoid of the day

Mitchell Johnson swung more balls on one day of cricket than he has in his entire life.

This is a brave and willing team.  I salute them for looking down the barrel of the gun and shooting themselves in the face again.

England

Sharp, prepared, earnest, energetic and capable.  They’re like a well performing New Zealand side with talent.

Who’s in front

England, but an Australian style fuck up could make this a far more interesting and shorter game of cricket.

Play of the day

Alastair Cook cut a six.  Even with all his runs and his current form, you just don’t expect Alastair Cook to cut a six.  You don’t really expect him to dream about cutting a six.  I don’t even think he dreams.

Testicular moment of the day

In the media people are far too worried about getting in trouble to call Tremlett a giant soft cock.  That is essentially what they always did, just without the word cock and more flowery language.  I didn’t see him looking all that more fired up today than I had seen him before, he just took wickets today.  I think you can get away with being soft if you take wickets.

Working class moment of the day

Mitchell Johnson went beyond a joke so long ago I think he still had a tongue piercing at the time.  His famous net sessions in Adelaide involved him trying to get a ball stuck in the nets down and kicking a bottle of water around.  No one was expecting too much from him with the ball, let alone the bat. In a weird way it could end up being his last test 50 and not helping Australia at all.  Classic, Mitch.

Weird factoid of the day

Andrew Strauss is still the lowest scorer in each of England’s four innings so far.

Started well, in that their clothes looked recently cleaned. Then they got dirty, very, very dirty.

England

Made sure that Monty wouldn’t be missed by putting away the bad balls, handling the very occasional good ball and generally batting well if not that entertainingly.

Who’s in front

Fuck knows.  England, probably, but I can’t see them winning, not with my eyes shut.

Play of the day

Mitchell Johnson is falling apart.  His moustache is all that is keeping him from being beaten by the gabba faithful.  No wickets or runs in this test.  Then he drops Strauss early enough in the day it could have made some difference.  It didn’t.  Strauss’ last two hundreds have come from his loving hands. When I look at him now I keep expecting a cartoon anvil to fall on his head.

Testicular moment of the day

Strauss and Cook working as an impenetrable force of tenacity.  Cook’s technique looks like swiss cheese at times. Strauss hadn’t made a hundred since I first saw the Watchmen.  Yet today they make the biggest opening partnership in Australia for visitors in over 20 years.  Respect.

Working class moment of the day

Peter Siddle wasn’t quite in the touch he was on day one, but he was still the best of the bowlers.  He got an edge from Cook through a non-existent fourth slip, went within an inch of taking Strauss off the inside edge and then had Trott dropped.  They were the only batsmen on show for the day.  Siddle has no wickets in the second innings.

Weird factoid of the day

Mitchell Johnson has not really smiled, I mean really, like with his whole boy so you can see it in his eyes, since June 09.

Lost their first wicket after tea, but then collapsed, like the soft bastards they are.

England

Gave it their all for just over an hour, then really didn’t feel it.  They got sloppy in the field, but even sloppier in their minds.

Who’s in front

Finally this test has a team in front.  221 is far enough in front to not worry about losing the game, winning the game is still some wickets away.

Play of the day

That moment when you realised you weren’t watching a test in 2010, that Channel 9 had slipped in an old tape just to persuade the Australian fans to watch the rest of the summer.  It couldn’t be real, look at how easy Australia are making this look, bloody Channel 9.

Testicular moment of the day

Brad Haddin swallowed his bat yesterday, that continued this morning.  Then, out came the normal Haddin, and by that time England had not much left to stop him.  Some vocal critics (me) believe Paine should have com in for Haddin, he weren’t about making my comments look stupid.  Still, he dropped a fucken sitter in the first innings, off Anderson, so only a hundred would make up for that.

Working class moment of the day

Finn took six wickets on debut.  There should be naked nubile nymphomaniacs thrown to him.  Instead the best he can ask for is a solemn pat on the back and someone buying him dinner tonight.

Weird factoid of the day

Michael Hussey’s scream killed 7 dogs.

Never quite got going, except for Siddle.  Had some luck with shit shots, fielded quite poor.  If you bowl a team out on the first day and lose no wickets, it’s not a bad day when you’ve lost the toss.

England

Just never really turned up.  A few looked good, Bell looked better than good, but in the end it was a poor effort on this pitch.  They did beat the KRUD system, which is a win.

Who’s in front

There haven’t been many big scores at the Gabba this year, so England’s score isn’t horrible.  That said, this aint a Gabba green top, so Australia only have to bat like competent cricketers (not always their thing of late) and they should be at least 150 in front.

Play of the day

Peter Siddle’s collar.  While Siddle was destroying England, his collar was clearly left over from his Halloween costume as Bela Lugosi’s Dracula.  For years his family will have to see this footage, and while they’ll be excited for him, they won’t be able to watch it without taking the piss out of him.  Although, if Anderson wears it, we’ll know it’s a trend.

Testicular moment of the day

A lot of people said Siddle shouldn’t be in the side.  His first two wickets proved that those claims were nonsense. His next three put him it the record books.  The last one was just for laughs.

Working class moment of the day

There were few naked in a birdcage moments from Ian Bell, but this was a class knock.  The only thing you could fault him on was when he was batting with Cook he never took the day away from Australia.  In every other way this was a very top class knock, it just wasn’t a hat trick or a six wicket haul.

Weird factoid of the day

Australia has never lost a test when Siddle has taken a hat trick or a five wicket haul.

Crowd moment of the day

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, takes it up the bum.