Michael Slater broke a record on the 1993 plane trip to England.
It wasn’t for drinking, but for self gratifying oneseslf by use of thy hand.
Obviously due to privacy concerns we can’t give the total amount, but let us say he didn’t have his normal problem in the 90s.
He’s got an usual style Simon Katich. He’s a, His nicknames… Well as a batsman could be crab if you like. Given he has a crab like move across is stumps.
That was Michael Slater on Channel 9′s coverage of the cricket.
It went live to air, and literally dozens of people heard it.
Now I am not saying I invented the phrase, but a quick look on googlse suggest i may have been the first to popularise it.
Now, with that in mind, and the fact Slater went to say “His nickname is the crab”, i put it to you dear jury was he infact just regurgitating cricket with balls.
Is Michael Slater a fan of cricket with balls?
Stranger things have happened.
Do he and Bill sit at the back of the commentary box sniggling at sex posts about MS Dhoni?
Why not.
Is this time for me to stop with the poor taste Michael Slater Jokes.
Ofcourse not.
So Moses, has been spending way too much time reading women’s magazines, and has cut and pasted his favourite Australian WAGs onto his site.
In a death match to the death.
So go here and vote for your favourite WAG, it’s an elimination type thing, but do try and keep one of the 3 brunettes in the competition.
This is only round one, but the competition is already hotting up.
Apparently Megan Hodge has already told the press she deserves to win.
Rianna Ponting is putting her marriage first, and always has, and is not happy with the way the media is trying to twist it.
And Melinda Gilchrist is refusing to answer any questions about fathers.
Cricinfo interviewed the Krab Katich, they clearly edited their version.
This is the real one.
In a way, you are the Larry Gomes of Australia. What is the mentality of a defensive batsman in a team full of attacking batsmen?
Was Larry a krustation as well? It’s not that I am defensive it’s just that as a krab it’s hard to take the attack on. I become the shell, and the shell becomes me.
You scored a quick hundred in just over a session last Pura season [during an innings of 306 against Queensland]. We wondered if it was the same Simon Katich.
That wasn’t me Phabulous Phil did an impersonation of me. He has been banned since as he did it so much better.
Does ego come into play? People call you boring. How do you tackle that, mentally?
People don’t call me boring, they have already fallen asleep.
It is said that when a batsman is hitting the ball, he is expressing himself. They never use that phrase about one who defends passionately. What’s your take on that?
I’m not Madonna you flaming galah. I don’t express myself, I make runs, slowly.
Even when you are doing well, they might say, ‘Ah, we don’t want to watch him.’ How do you shut that out?
My wife does a similar thing with the lights in the bedroom, i just keep lugging away regardless.
Was that always your attitude, even at a young age?
When i was young i was on my own in the bedroom, so i usually had the lights on.
You opened with Adam Gilchrist in the ODIs. How difficult was that?
Would have been harder if I was Michael Slater.
Your stance has been criticised. You make those shuffling initial movements and then you straighten up.
I am a Krab, what do people expect the flexibility of an alley cat.
Peter Roebuck wrote an article earlier this year saying you should be the next Australian captain.
I am not familiar with that name, but it reminds me of a teacher that used to beat the boys, always the boys.
What is your emotional support system?
Dr Zoidberg, and my wife.
Does your wife give you advice about how to play?
Not on the field.
They said
“We want the Krab.
We enjoy watching him scuttle around the crease.
We like his nudging.
His unwashed demeanour.
He 3 day stubble.
And his can do attitude.
Ashley Noffke can go please himself.”
The Australian selectors wanted Noffke to be under no illusion that he might get a game, so they gave Brad Hodge a game to go with all those frequent flyer points.
Brad Hodge obviously wont play a test match on this tour.
Once Clarke comes back he will be sent back to SRK.
So what message are they sending to Noffke, we hear you liked the rum on your last tour here, fancy another round.
OK, so you want Katich in the side, we get that, but surely giving Noffke a run, even as a batsman, is a better go than playing Hodge.
Hell, playing anyone but Shane Watson is better than Hodge.
Now us Australians must endure Simon Katich again.
Clarkey, you now can never leave this woman, not even if Michael Slater sleeps with her.
I do love the word cuckold.
Having been around sports for a long time now, every time there is a major issue in a sporting team, or club some one starts mentioning the age old, hey i heard johnny smithy brown has been boinking the coaches/captains/players wife.
Let’s say objectively that this is true, one in 10 times, based on the Uncle Jrod cheating spouses method of calculation.
What does it do to the people involved the other 9 times.
Obviously in AFl footy it has happened twice recently, once publicly in which the cheating player was forced to another club, and once privately where the player whom had been cheated on was moved to another club.
In Australian cricket the famous rumour is Slater and Gilly, which i personally do not believe.
Then again I don’t believe any woman would sleep with Slater.
And which no one really believed until Slater went through one of the 12 steps and blurted out an apology for draggin Gilly’s name into the mud.
Now i have heard strangled muffled choked whispers of an English one involving newly retired stress case, Marcus Trescothick.
The other involved party is Michael Vaughn, and I’m assuming Mrs Trescothick (Marcus’ wife not mother, although…) whom Mr Vaughn is supposed to have had the sex with.
Now i don’t believe this one for a moment, because I think these two men are gentleman, not particularly good cricketers, but gentleman none the less.
Infact with all the trouble Vaughn is having with straight balls, I’d assumed he was playing for the other team now.
Is this how people are trying to explain Marcus’s sudden onslaught of stress.
It may explain the stress, it may even explain Vaughn’s complete lack of Vaughness but it doesn’t explain why Trescothick wouldn’t go to the UAE now does it.
Like in Ichi the Killer or Oldboy, the tongue has been cut off, by its owner.
This time however it has nothing to do with honour or having slept with ones daughter.
Or has it….
Brad Hogg has sited personal issues and “things he has to sort out at home” as his reasons for falling on his tongue.
Apparently his wife is pregnant. (Insert Michael Slater Joke Here)
There are also rumours of him signing with the ICL.
I’m assuming as a mascot.
Brad Hogg was upset at having to leave the game, but in leaving he has strengthened Australia’s test bowling line up.
With Stuey obviously finished, and Brad leaving, they both need new careers, and being the caring fellow I am, I think I have them covered.
They should move into a flat on the gold coast and film a soft core porn mobile TV show called Spinners gone wild. Stuey can perform tricks with a bottle of red, and Brad does all sorts of tricks with his tongue.
Perhaps I should write about the career of Brad Hogg.
He was selected as part of the experimental Chinaman scheme that was started by Harold Holt. Michael Bevan and Simon the Krab Katich were also picked under this scheme.
He was thrown into a tour of India because no one else wanted to be embarrassed, and then was picked again when Shane Warne was a drug cheat.
Having a career as an understudy (behind Shane) to the understudy (behind Stuey) would have bothered most men, but Brad Hogg never seemed to notice.
He was just happy to be thought of as a cricketer (by selectors).
As a one day cricketer he was serviceable, and occasionally better than that, he had the amazing skill to look like he was balling badly and still take wickets.
As a test cricketer he was a train wreck.
You have to respect him for getting the most out of so little, I don’t, but you should. I would say that there has never been a spinner with less guile who has had a career this long, so that is something.
George Bradley Hogg (no relation to the great Victorian speedster Rodney Hogg) you have had a career, good on ya.
But thank fu©k your gone.
cricketwithballs