Tagged with PCB …

May 25 2010
13 Comments
pakistanis

Shahid Afridi as test captain – what could go wrong

The problem with Pakistan is as soon as you have written something funny about them they come up with something funnier.

“It is a quality of a captain that he fosters cooperation and good relations among the players while following the rules and regulations of the game. Afridi has done all that.”

Ijaz Butt said that, and the only way this could be better was if at the end he just said. “Sorry, the dudes in the media department bet me a barrel of beer that I wouldn’t say that with a straight face, so fuck you Ahmer, you owe me a barrel of piss, biach”.

Now that Shahid Afridi, the master of following rules, is captain, what can we expect. I have no real idea, but I came up with 6 potential outcomes based on Afridi’s colourful history.

The Ice Block

New Zealand roll Pakistan on day one of a test for 150 and make it to stumps unbeaten for 180. That night Afridi gets a massive block of ice and takes it out on the pitch and puts it on a good length. Unfortunately he doesn’t notice that Mark Richardson is hosting his new reality show, “It happened after dark”, on the other side of the ground. When Afridi is shown the footage the next day he says that he was not doctoring the pitch, but that he always carries ice around and it just got heavy so he decided to put it down under the covers while he rested, but then he forgot where he put it.

Declarations

At certain times in his career as test captain, Shahid will declare roughly at 25, 50, and 75. None of these will be for match fixing, but none of these will be strategically sound decisions. Pakistan will still win one of these games.

Coup d’état

Unaware that he is captain, Afridi locks Shoaib Malik in his hotel room at 4Am and takes over the team.  Their first mission, try to take over the world. Their second, to score really quickly so that girls think they are really hot.  A couple of days later Afridi starts to dress like Che Guevara and walks around town in t smoking a cigar, is the first test player to wear a beret and is always talking about how to unify the working people against the dirty PCB oppressors.  Since Afridi is doing a good job, and he was already the captain, no one feels the need to burst his bubble or let Malik out of his hotel room.

Press release

The PCB release another statement about Shoaib Ahktar. The bizarre press release states that Shoaib will not get to play in the upcoming test series as he was seen snorting coke off of bacon that was placed on a teenage boy at a night club. The release has a scribbled out signed name at the bottom that has a startling likeness to Shahid’s signature. Shoaib quickly denies ever touching bacon or young boys.

Rider

Before turning up to each ground Shahid insists his rider must be completed in full.

Sand paper.
Edible cricket balls.
Extra long spikes.
A dvd player.
A TV.
A complete and uncut dvd of ODI number 1125 with a soundtrack by Tina Turner.

Bollocks

Afridi will have a long and uninterrupted career as a respected and successful captain of a unified hard working Pakistan Test Team.

The good thing about Shahid is that even though I have tried to come up with ridiculous things that could happen, he is likely to trump me. By some distance.

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Mar 10 2010
41 Comments
pakistanis

The PCB does stand up

Watching Pakistan play cricket was a special thrill for me.

When I was growing up India seemed effeminate, Sri Lanka rubbish, New Zealand grim, South Africa robotic, England shambolic, the West Indies faded and Australia predictable.

Then there was Pakistan.

They could be effeminate too, but also masculine as fuck. They could be rubbish, but gloriously rubbish. They were never really grim, even when they were. Robotic is not a word that comes to mind. Shambolic, offcourse, but shambolic in a farcical comedy sort of way. They weren’t faded, there was always an alleged teenager coming through. And they were predictable in that you knew they would been involved in something stupid.

This was just how Pakistan was during the 90s.

And I loved it.

Now their on field performances, not including Sydney at least, are for more bland. They still collapse like no one can, but it seems to be lack of skill, not because of Pakistani flair. There captaincy rollercoaster seems to be mostly given to men with little personality. Their bad days in the field are still amazing, but yet again they miss that wonderful craziness they once had.

The current Pakistani side is a cheap knock off of that one in the 90s.

That should be disappointing me. Luckily someone has stepped into the breach and is giving me the crazy fucked up farce that I require.

The PCB.

Sure the players are involved, but as a trigger for the madness off the field.

It takes a special organisation to leak a story about genital warts of one of their employees, and I shouldn’t say leak, because a press release isn’t a leak. Then to back a player who travels with opiates, who has had trouble with drugs before. To allow their captain to quit over match fixing and infighting. To pick Shahid Afridi as captain. Ban their own players from the IPL in a moral argument.

I’m going to stop there. Because that list could go on forever.

Even for the PCB this latest nonsense is a cluster bomb of fuck.

And while it is sad for a team that I have always loved, it is as funny as sports administration can get.

The PCB has now became one of those politically incorrect comedians who has very little funny material, but every now and then stumbles onto a funny joke when they are just trying to offend.

Although maybe I should thank Pakistan for two decades of entertainment.

Everytime the PCB does something like this I cry, sometimes in laughter, sometimes in pain.

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Mar 05 2009
pakistanis

Ijaz misplaces his anger

Ijaz Butt has attacked Chris Broad, he must be getting sick of Pakistanis doing that, over his claims of a lapse of security for the officials.

Probably would have been best if Ijaz had just shut the fuck up.

Attacking people who were attacked while you were sitting at a desk is hardly going to look good.

You can say you disagree with them, you can say that perhaps they were caught up in the moment, but saying that “”All his [Broad's] statements are false. He has now made obnoxious comments.” and “”He says there was no policemen there [but] I think there could be no bigger lie than this because six policemen died and ten are injured.” seems a bit much.

Ijaz, we get that you see things differently, but you look like a bit of a cock saying this, especially as Taufel and Davis have backed Broad up, and the 4th umpire has a bullet hole in his back.

When he had finished Broad bashing he moved on to the conspiracy theory that said the Pakistan team was delayed on purpose so they would not be attacked.

He had this to say on the matter, “It is wrong to suggest that. The same security procedure was followed”, and “The Pakistan team used to leave at the same time as the Sri Lankan team and other officials, but somehow or the other on that day they got a bit late.”

If a reporter states it was an inside job or a conspiracy, he says it was wrong to suggest.

If 3 people from inside the attacks, the attackees if you will, say that the security was lax, he says its all comments are false and no bigger lie.

Interesting that Broad gets him angrier than the statements that some of his people were in the know, and or worse.

The PCB are going to lodge a formal complaint against Chris Broad for the comments.

Broad is thinking of making a formal complaint against the PCB for almost getting his ass shot off.

For some Indian cricket fans there could be no harder side to choose between in an argument than between Chris Broad and the Pakistanis.

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