Tagged with pakistanis …

May 08 2012
3 Comments
pakistanis

Cheetahs, Dolphins & Stallions right on your chest

While looking for random cricket shirts that are probably only of interest to me, I found something that I thought would be of interest to everyone. Ok, not everyone, but people who like cricket themed t shirts that aren’t variations of “he bats for the other side”, “Bowling maidens over” or “I hate short wide ones”.

It’s now clear to me that I’ve failed to make cricket replica shirts cool. I gave it a go, but perhaps my love for them, and the one time I looked good in a Pakistani shirt under a sports coat, was a false dawn. As no one else seems to care about them. Not even my Lancashire shirt that was worn by Andrew Crook, or A Crook as it reads on the back, seems to excite people.

However, people love cool t shirts. And I think I’ve found the t shirts that could mend the fences between traditional crickey nerds and cricket hipsters. Bootleg Pakistan Domestic Faysal Bank T20 tournament t shirts.

Yes, they are as good as you’ve dreamed of. And I own every single one of these shirts. Because, because.

Karachi dolphins

Dolphins are the second smartest mammals after legspinners. But you’ve probably been afraid of rogue tuna or looking overly effeminate. Now you can put a dolphin on your chest and not worry about anything. Other than being mugged by someone who wants your cool ass Karachi dolphin t shirt.

Rawalpindi rams

I’m not going to lie to you; the Rawalpindi team could have named themselves better. I mean they are synonymous with the word express, and rams are more known for head butting other rams. But I like this ram, he’s got a dark side, and while he’s not a devil worshipper, he’s not averse to dark shit, and why not that have that on a t shirt.

Lahore lions

This one’s an easy buy for anyone who wants to have a slightly different spelling of the word whore on their chest. Your parents, wife or Rabbi can’t tell you off for having this on your chest, it’s just a cricket team from Lahore, isn’t it?

Sialkot Stallions

The silky stallions have still never taken my advice and changed their name, but everything about this t shirt is awesome.

Faisalabad Wolves

I don’t really care for wolves. This team might have been better if they’d called themselves werewolves, and had Jason Bateman on the front, but I’m still skeptical. This one did come with a puff paint, and some people will like that too.

Afghan Cheetahs

This is the ultimate in cricket t shirts. It’s a cricket shirt of a country that are the new coolest worn torn place that no one will want to tour who slog like maniacs and call each other bisexual when things go wrong. But to make it even better, it’s not even their country’s national shirt. It’s a domestic t shirt of a war torn kick ass minnow cricket nation. Wow. Also, it has a cheetah on it. A cheetah. Cheetah.

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Mar 01 2012
7 Comments
pakistanis

Misbah Ul Haq: The ancient Astronaut

Geoff Lawson wrote a letter to Dav Whatmore about coaching Pakistan, and so should we all.  Here is mine. 

Yo Dav,

Misbah Ul Haq isn’t one of us.

It’s quite obvious really.

If you know anything about paleocontact or ancient astronauts you’ll have seen the signs long ago.

Misbah brings the truth:

While other Pakistani cricketers pretend they are actually embryos who have been locked in their mothers womb but only come out for a match day, Misbah doesn’t.  When asked about why he was so old and yet making a come back he said it was because he was his actual age.  His actual age, can any Pakistani cricketer give us more truth than that?

Misbah brings the calm:

The single greatest thing about the Pakistan Cricket team is their flair for craziness.  If the entire cricket world was made up of hard working New Zealand players we’d all be watching UFC.  The only reason Wrestling is so big in America is because they believe they have to artificially bring in the drama, whereas cricket fans know if you want drama, comedy or even dramedy, you just call Pakistan.

Misbah brings money:

Who invented T20 cricket? Who gives a shit.  Without Misbah playing that weird scoop when he had India by the balls, everyone in cricket would be eating left over Maccas and stealing VCRs from their mums house. No man has changed modern cricket more than Misbah.  Even if it might have been a bit for the shit.

Misbah brings his eyes:

He may not be the first calm and measured Pakistani, Imran, Inzi and Moyo all flirted with this at times.  But they still had Pakistani eyes.  And Pakistani eyes (which are nothing like Pathan noses I’m told) can’t help but betray all calmness. With Misbah his eyes are lifeless, they’re more like LED bike lights than anything resembling human.

Yet even with the calm truthful eyes of Misbah, people want to get rid of him.

No doubt to bring in some over excitable puppy dog captain, or someone else who’ll do it for a week before leaving to cobble shoes in Italy.  Misbah wins the Test series against the number one side in the world, loses a few ODIs no one could remember while they were watching them and people start to question his leadership.  Some don’t even question, they just want him out.

That would be a mistake, Dav.  Misbah is the man you want, because he isn’t even a man.  He’s an alien.  A bloody good one too.

Misbah is an alien who was sent here to guide Pakistan cricket to a better time.

It’s probably quite obvious to you, mostly because I doubt if Misbah ever felt truly human to anyone.

Pakistan have tried several humans of recent times, and none of them have been any good.  Salman is off churning ice cream in prison.  Younis wouldn’t deal with anything less than a personal dictatorship.  Shahid didn’t have enough time to wash his hair during a Test. And Mohammad looked a little confused.

I know Pakistan being lead by a man like Misbah is similar to Shahid Afridi wearing a Sarah Lund sweater, but it works.

Dav, Misbah changed the world, made Pakistan win and is old enough to remember Kirk Cameron not being a fundamentalist fuckwit.

Misbah may not be from our planet, but ask yourself this, does Pakistan Cricket need a Pakistani to lead them, or could they do better with an ancient astronaut?

Peace out,

Jrod

Team Misbah

Fund my film you bastards.

Tagged ,
Feb 29 2012
pakistanis, poms

Jade’s triple bluff

The ball was the perfect length to be sent into orbit.

If a batsman were to place the ball roughly in a spot where a lucky slog to the leg side would win him the game, he would have picked that exact location.

All Misbah-ul-Haq had to do was keep his shape (the commentators love that one now), clear his front leg, use fast hand speed and time the ball for Pakistan to win the match, and series.

Instead Misbah lost his shape, took his eye off the ball and seemed to be playing a different ball to the one that was delivered to him.

It means Misbah is a loser, and Jade Dernbach is a winner.

It takes amazing courage to bowl a back-of-the-hand slower ball for the last ball of the match when a six is required to win. Especially when earlier in the over you’ve bowled one that made you look like that guy in the nets who only bowls one ball before heading to fielding practice. Dernbach could have bowled a wide, a head high full toss or a long hop, all of which meant he may not have slid across the ground in 1980s dance movie style seconds later.

Dernbach had to know that Misbah would assume he’d try a slower ball. If you asked people what they knew about Dernbach for a Family Feud style show, the only response would be a slower ball, and the question would be edited out of the show.

With that in mind, then, Misbah would know that Dernbach would know that Misbah would be expecting the slower ball. So it’s actually possible that Misbah was anticipating the quicker ball.

The quicker ball does make sense. I doubt there were many English fans out there screaming, “come on, Jade, bowl the freakin’ slower ball on a good length now”. No, when people scream at the end of these matches they want yorkers, especially when a six is needed.

Still, Dernbach held strong, and double, or triple, bluffed Misbah, who could’ve only fallen over to make the dismissal look more complete.

The winner always looks better in this situation, but had Misbah not lost his shape and swung blindly, people would be saying that Dernbach was an idiot for bowling the exact same ball that now makes him the hero.

It’s a fine line between hero and that guy you abuse when you see him at the airport.

Not for Misbah though. Even if he hit a six off the last ball, people would abuse him for his slow strike-rate ensuring that he had to hit a six off the last ball to win.

Oh, that Misbah.

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Jan 17 2012
9 Comments
pakistanis, poms

England shart

I was afraid that this England Pakistan series would be two attrition loving teams making sure they didn’t make mistakes as they both comfortably got to 0-0.

That might still happen.

Although today was funner than seeing a borne film on a roller coaster, the series could still dribble out staid draws and the two teams could end up sitting on the pot and not shitting.

But today England shit a bit.

And so did the rest of the world, with laughter.

Before this England had shown to be a largely robotic team that could capitalise on flaws and had even learnt the hardest art in modern cricket, the un-collapse.

192 is a long way from 51, 47 or 43,  but it’s a cock up.

And England may end up winning this series, and travelling on their next couple of subbie adventures with their pith helmets held high.

Or they could shit themselves and prove to naysayers that they are grass merchants who who frown on brown.

I think both are ideal outcomes.

If England do fight back here, and then beat the Lankans and Indians, they’ll be a number 1 number one.  So cricket will have another great enemy that needs to be brought down.

If England don’t fight back, and they continue to play spin like it’s got herpes, world cricket will have another good ordinary side for the other teams to play awkward teenage sex Tests with.

Today’s English collapse was against a bowler with a career average and strike rate of 30/68.   He’s a bowler that when he has a good day, he has a real good day, when he has a bad day you might as well rent a truck and drive over him.

England aren’t going to come up against too many Ajmal’s in the world, but it’s comforting to know that when they do, their capacity to shit themselves still remains, even if this was a shart my modern Test standards.

So either they fight back and we all marvel at the professional nature of the new England.

Or they fall apart while we all point and laugh.

Cricket can’t lose. England can.

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Oct 18 2011
2 Comments
pakistanis

Salman Butt’s smackdown

It’s ok if cricket is fixed, because people still like wrestling says slammin’ Salman Butt.

He has compared cricket to a “sport” where the most interesting thing is the religious signs in the background.

That is a bigger crime than match fixing shortly.

But on the plus side, if you ever see Salman Butt and his collection of wanky watches making his way down the street, feel free to hit him over the head with a chair.

Or talk to him earnestly about whether a short leg for Jonathan Trott is needed or not.

He seems to love to chat about that.

Then hit him with a chair.

Tagged ,
Sep 22 2011
3 Comments
pakistanis

Are Pakistan considering a woman coach?

I’m obviously not the only person who is going to apply for the Pakistani position, the cricket couch already has, and even the great Sana Kazmi has applied.

Although perhaps applied is too strong a word.

Sana asked if women could apply:

Dear Mr Alam,

I am a passionate supporter of Pakistan cricket as well as of the PCB as an organization for its professionalism and outstanding work ethic. I would be delighted to apply for the Head Coach position, but before I do so, I wanted to check whether you are accepting applications from women.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards,
Sana Kazmi

For those who don’t know Sana, you will one day. She is an intellectual machine who will either become the first World President, or a junkie who collects Fraggle Rock memorabilia and ends up with her own chat show.

If she were in any election I’d vote for her because she is amazingly intelligent, fiercely competent and breathtakingly passionate.

And I’m basing this on her twitter feed; in real life she’s probably better than this.

This is a person that if it were not for her complete passion for cricket, or more importantly Pakistan cricket, would have already get the world of it’s dependency on natural gas, worked out how to desalinate water and put an end to reality TV.

Instead she spends her time finding every part of cricket information that she can, trying in her own way to help Pakistan cricket.

That said, she has no coaching experience, so as a head coach, she could be rubbish. No more so than Geoff Lawson, but still.

In her email she doesn’t say she has no coaching experience, in fact, other than blowing smoke up the ass of her potential employers and not using any coach speak like areas or skillsets, she says nothing of her background at all. She just comes off as an eager well-spoken woman who is asking if women can apply, not even coach, but just apply for the job.

This is the reply:

Dear Sana,
Thank you very much for your mail. I am sorry to in form you that we are not considring women for coaching job.
Regards.
Intikhab Alam

Boom, boom.

No one is going to be surprised that Pakistan isn’t about to appoint a woman head coach. I mean if it is going to happen anywhere, you’d probably put your money on each and every other test-playing nation before Pakistan.

While it may happen one day in the future, right now there aren’t really that many women anywhere near coaching positions anywhere in the world. Belinda Clark is involved with the Australian Academy, and may shortly have a better title than that when the CA bingo is finished. And Gemma Broad is an analyst for the English team. Neither looks likely to become head coaches anytime soon. Most of the rest of the women in cricket work in the media or administrative side of things, and I can’t see Natalie Germanos, Sharda Ugra, Chloe Saltau, Donna Symonds and Alison Mitchell getting the Sri Lankan coaching job anytime soon.

It is funny that he even took time to respond, and that when he did he chose the option that seems like harder work. I mean how hard is it to say yes, and then just ignore all the emails from women, that’s how a proper chauvinist would do it.

For the record, I don’t think Sana Kazmi should be the Pakistan Coach, but she would make a kick ass head of the PCB, or even, a top-notch Head of Cricket operations.

If, as Intikhab Alam so poetically put it, the Pakistan players are mentally retarded and not toilet trained, I’d back her to fix that quicker than anyone else the PCB will employ.

As let’s be honest, the PCB’s male employees have not really been doing so well for them that they can just ignore 50% of the population.

And maybe it isn’t just women that they draw the line at, perhaps sufferers of dwarfism and albinism are out, camp homosexuals probably wouldn’t be allowed to apply and I doubt Pakistan would ever take an application from anyone who thought Greedo should have shot first.

That’s the problem with discrimination; if you stop the brightest and the best from being involved you end up with Ijazz Butt, some random white coach and Intikhab Alam having to teach toilet manners to idiots.

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Sep 21 2011
5 Comments
pakistanis

My application for the Pakistani coaching position

It’s application season again at cricket with balls.

Since I was so busy working on a one day series that the players didn’t even care about, I missed out on the plum job of printing out fact sheets for John Buchanan’s New Zealand.

But I missed it, and John gave it to a dude from Lawn Bowls.

I should be mad, but I’m not.

The Lawn Bowls dude getting a job shows that all of us are now qualified to work in cricket, and with several jobs available, this is the best time to apply.

The Pakistani coaching job seems like the easiest to apply for, and also, will be the one I am most suited for.

Being that all they ask for is a resume (I mean come on, how piss easy is that?) I have attached my CV at the bottom of this post, and will also send it too intikhab@nca.com.pk.

 

The Jrod

Just one man and mostly less than that.

 

Escaping the womb with a well-judged three, I was born into a family of cricket fundamentalists.  Over dinner there would be talk about when the new ball should be taken, why two fielders in gully can be handy and how to properly balance a batting order.  Years passed and these conversations kept happening with family, friends and occasionally with drunken strangers or passionate taxi drivers.  Then when my film production company was stalling, I came to the UK and became the cricket-writing outcast I am today. Knowing that any attempt at a normal CV to your fine Cricket Side would be futile, I have changed a previous one to prove that not only do I have what it takes to Coach the mighty Pakistani side, I am your only option.

 

Shitting by a train

A real coach makes the tough calls even if he looks like a fool publicly.

 

We’ve all defecated in a public situation after a few drinks, but my public episode was not due to drinking.  Years ago when on my way to an afternoon rendezvous with a lady who wasn’t worth it, I caught the wrong bus, ended up in the middle of nowhere walking by a train line and needing a shit.  Now, there were two options, either take that shit near the train line, and show up fresh to her, or barge into her place demanding I use the toilet.  I took the tougher option and did my business right out in the open, which was fine, until the train came by.  From there I used napkins and newspapers to clean myself, and then went about my awkward copulation when I arrived at her place.

 

Two Pakistan shirts

No one puts a tiger in the corner.

 

You’ll get a lot of overseas coaches applying for this job.  Most of them will be selfish carpet baggers trying to get a few extra column inches before Australia, India, South Africa or England come calling.  Not me, I’ve wanted to coach Pakistan my whole life.  I consider it the one job in cricket I am actually perfect for.  I won’t be hugging Shoaib or holding large books that no one has ever finished, I’ll be wearing a Pakistan knock off ODI kit.  I am just that passionate about Pakistan cricket.  And if anyone in the press abuses our boys too much, I’ll challenge them to a jelly wrestling contest.

 

Match fixing

A little from column A, a little from column B.

 

If you are completely against Match fixing, illegal book making syndicates and want a pure and free Pakistan cricket team, I’m your man.  I will declare a war on match fixing at my first press conference and wear a t shirt with a cross through Hansie Cronje’s face on it.  However, if you are for match fixing, and want to continue this practice, I can also be of help.  What you want to do is tone it down a bit. I suggest just doing it against the kiwis.  I mean, who is going to remember the result of a New Zealand Pakistan ODI 8 minutes after it finishes?

 

Coaching experience

Mill Park Under 16s assistant coach

 

Other than one unproductive stint as an amateur junior assistant coach, my resume is empty.  This should not been seen as a negative, but as a positive.  I mean even that sentence proves that I have the skills to become a coach.  What I don’t have is an overabundance of experience weighing me down.  I’m fresh and clean, and I won’t be plagued by previous mistakes that I haven’t made.  I will essentially the Shahid Afridi of cricket coaches, and even though I am younger than he was when he hade his debut, I think that I am your man.

 

Conclusion

The end or close; final part.

 

As a country you need to decide, do we want a coach who is responsible, well-meaning, considered, analytical, good with people, respected and has a great cricket brain, or do you want a slice of the Jrod.  The choice is easy, nothing is more Pakistani than the Jrod.

Tagged
Jul 15 2011
11 Comments
county cricket, pakistanis

Introducing Pakistan’s latest fast bowling golem: Junaid Khan

It’s two days since I saw Junaid Khan.

Since then I’ve had conversations with about 4 or 5 people where they have brought him up.

I expect more people to do so.

There is something that makes you want to tell everyone you know when you see a young Pakistani quick.

They get the heart started.

I can’t remember the last time one player got so many people talking in the UK since Amir played.

A Pakistani quick has the youth to make people interest, skill to make people talk,flair to get them to gush, and the sudden arrival to make it all feel like a dirty little secret that no one knows about but you.

There was no Junaid Khan for me before the other night, and bang, there he is, fully developed, bowling Yorkers out his asshole that seem to have some sort of artificial intelligence once they’ve left his hand.

It’s as if Pakistani quicks are created by some Muslim Cleric with ancient Hebrew texts.

“We need something to protect us, so I shall create another full bowling speed demon golem out of this magical clay that i found in Safraz Nawaz’s rose garden. He shall be fast like the wind, cocky like a Jagger, silky like a stallion and infectious like a STD. He shall roam the earth making people think of the Pakistani people as fast bowling lothario heroes, which will bring happiness to our people and carnage to the stumps of the world. Oh, yes, I like shaping the groin part, more clay please.”

I can’t believe that Pakistan just developed another fast bowling machine, one who might be fairly untested at the top level, but could be ripping it to pieces shortly.

Although, if my golem theory is correct, and let’s face it, it is, these golems are not made for our voyeuristic pleasure, they’ve been made because Pakistani cricket needs a saviour, to save it from itself, and Ijazz Butt.

And if ancient Jewish mysticism and Frankenstein has taught us anything, it’s that you might build a golem with the best of intentions, but things can go to shit after that.

The good news is that in Pakistan, there is a lot of clay.

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May 16 2011
17 Comments
pakistanis, windies

A terrible pitch in Guyana

According to some reports the pitch in Guyana was the worst PR for Guyana since the Jonestown massacres.

People start lining up to drink the koolaid.

“Yes, it was a close match, but what a disgusting pitch”

“Low and filthy, the curator should be gunned down on an airplane.”

“Batsmen just didn’t get a fair go, it’s disgusting to think this was a test match pitch”.

You know, and other bollocks like that.

Fuck all that. The Guyana pitch was a proper test pitch, it was tough to get runs on, you had to earn everything, and even wickets didn’t always come easy.

Tailenders were the hardest to get out in this match, the Windies had a 50 run partnership for the tenth wicket in the third innings.  That’s not a terrible pitch, that’s a tricky pitch.

Two teams with limited talent and questionable professionalism just slogged it out.

It wasn’t a heavy weight contest, it was two fat guys mud wrestling after a night on the piss.

It was a contest.  On the last day of the test both teams could have won. It was low down and dirty right until Umar Akmal went out.

Both teams were scrappy, it was a test you try and survive as much as win.

It wasn’t always pretty, and there were few maximums or breath taking cover drives, but it had spirit this test.

And some of that has to go to this gutter crawling bastard of a pitch, who may look like an ugly bastard you wouldn’t wanna cross at midnight, but was actually the kind of salt of the earth kind of pitch that other pitches should try and emulate.

Test cricket should be hard, and not just on bowlers.

The ICC shouldn’t send any congressmen to check on this pitch, the bastard is tough, but fine.

Tagged ,
Apr 16 2011
7 Comments
pakistanis, player profiles

balls profile: Umar Gul

Perhaps the longest face of any bowler in world cricket.  Gul is known for his yorkers in T20 cricket, his wides in ODI cricket and his general blandness in test cricket.  Little is known about Gul, mostly because he has never had genital warts or carried drugs through an airport.  Would probably be more respected if he had proper Pakistani fast bowling hair.  It’s important if you are not Pakistani to pronounce it Gull, as in Seagull, as it shows a certain respect to your Pakistani friends.  Is the only man to master reverse swing in T20 cricket which must mean he has some of the greatest ball tampering skills in history.  Respect.

 

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