The Ashes, 4th Test, 1st Session

Great session, 6 wickets.

Jimmy has the two wickets, one from a shit short one down the legside, and one from a Rudi mistake.

Australia need one a partnership.

Thanks for reading.

-

Freddie starts with a bouncer, snicko shows up Rudi.

Very quick from Freddie, 94.2.

Last ball before lunch, is a dead ball as katich seems to get hit on the gloves or thighs.

-

“What was that in the “historically innaccurate Ashes”?  ”This is fucken bullshit”.  And the one-eyed remark from Atherton about it being lbw if he didn’t hit it was a low blow, too.  So much for impartial observations!” Carrot.

Jimmy starts with a lovely one that beats Hussey.

Keith fucken Stackpole is in the crowd, go Keith.

Safe over, one to go now.

-

Freddie drops short, the Krab slaps it for the classic one bounce for over backward point.

And next ball Katich tries to tickle one through point, and misses it.

Testing over, but England still don’t look all that threatening.

-

“So now the Australians are giving the Englishmen stiff competition in getting out to the most insipid deliveries.” Dm, with a bit of help from Rudi.

Fancy showing the Queen before Richie, at least one of them has earnt their title.

Hussey looking nervous, so situation normal.

He gets off the mark with on hip for two.

-

England on top with a bit of luck.

Freddie back over the wicket to katich, but around to Hussey.

This is a good partnership to have together for England. They won’t take the game away from you.

-

I am confused.

Did he even get anywhere near that?

Ponting out caught at slip, eventually after some third umpire checking.

Terrible decision from Rudi.

Missed it by a distance, but did middle his toe.

Australia have no luck, a sodomy down the leg side and a catch without the bat.

-

Freddie around the wicket.

I am happy, if for no other reason than the commentators will shut up about it.

I’ve always thought Katich is harder to get out from around the wicket.

What do i know though, I’m no beefy.

-

Ponting guides one through covers for a couple to get off the mark.

Bit of a lamer over.

Even though a wicket has fallen, England look a bit flat.

Might be the wicket.

-

“Well, after the performance of the WORLDS GREATEST LEFT ARMER, now for the new Bradman.  Oh.  He’s gone.” Chris. To a terrific ball as well.

Long close up of Ricky chewin’. Fuck he looks determined.

“So finally the way to get out Hughes is discovered. Keep on bowling on the leg side.” Dm.

Handy over from Freddie but no real scares.

-

Anderson going for the inswinger to Ponting.

Hits him on the hip, but still gets a big appeal.

-

Hughes starts Australia with a back foot guide through point.

And he’s out.

Sodomized down the legside off the short one.

Just a touch of the gloves.

Shit ball, wicket.

-

The queen is there, who’s feeling horny?

Freddie has opened up.

Nice carry for him so far.

He gets one to fly through to beat the Krab.

Matching maidens.

-

Jimmy straight back into the action.

Hughes looks pretty calm.

-

James Anderson is the third best batsman England has.

Change of innings, see you in ten.

-

“Tail enders having a go. is there a more bueautiful sight in cricket.” narkins. no.

This is good news for Australia though, if Onions can back away and get runs, this is a top deck.

Anderson smacks that. Full and wide and he lifts it over point.

Poor bastards, deserved a 50 run partnership.

Mitch came around the wicket, Anderson looked confused and opened the face to gully.

425 all out.

-

“Time for the first bad Onions pun of the day?” Neerav. No.

Come on Onions, play a shot, at least Jimmy is.

-

Anderson starts with a back foot club through covers for four.

Follows it up with a leg glance for 4.

Mitch thinks he should go back to yesterday’s length and drops short and wide, another 4.

England doing well, Anderson eyeing off a double ton.

-

Just one of those overs that piss you off if you are the fielding sides. Play and missing and scoops in the air.

-

Johnson comes on as Siddle throws up his breakfast into a ceramic bowl.

Onions hits the ball straight to Johnson, and runs, Mitchell couldn’t pick it up.

Lots of squirting to third man.

Onions is a better batsman than Strauss, discuss.

“I hope Siddle isn’t too ill to bat, he’ll be needed by tea time.” Chris.

Anderson pops in with a backfoot drive with style.

-

Siddle is being taken off the field, we didn’t get to see him vomit in HD super slow mo.

How cool would that have been?

“Jrod, can you tell me who is manning the trolley they are using to get that backstop from end to end after each over, or do its feet actually move?” Apples. A tiny monkey.

Onions gets another cut shot away.

A deep point out for Onions now, i suppose that isn’t too bad, it is his only shot.

-

Siddle met with the Physio, the exchange dessert recipes, and he comes into bowl.

At any moment here we could see someone throw up on the Pitch.

Siddle is gonna vom up.

I was taking the piss, but he really is.

Get the sawdust.

He is dry reaching, still has time to hit Onions.

Onions gets a cut shot just past Hussey’s hands.

It was little on style, but 4 on runs.

Then he backs away from an inswinger and somehow hits the ball with his eyes closed.

-

“What did the English batters do last night? They’ve no idea today. They’ve left their bowlers with it all to do.” realto. Technically these are the English bowlers, and as my mum often said, you’re only letting yourself down.

Anderson tries a flash back cut with one hand.

He does well to hit it.

-

Onions came out on the pitch quickly. Did he expect this to happen?

Anderson gets off the mark with a run out single. No run there, no wonder the bastard never makes a duck, he tries to run out the other tailender.

Pitch is still slow. Onions backs away, and gets an edge but it doesn’t make slip.

Onions continues to jump around, haven’t seen him bat much, but he doesn’t give me any great confidence in his ability.

-

Broad gets one down the legside and helps it to the rope.

He swipes at another one, it just misses off stump and goes for four.

Next ball he does it again, but onto the stumps.

England = Shithouse.

Not much swing, no real seam, and 3 wickets in 3 overs.

-

Siddle finishes it off with a brute that rips past Anderson. Nicer pace on that one.

Wacky google search, “shane watson male porn star”

-

Siddle is on, we are about to find out the pace of this pitch.

“Fecking hell wing commander. thats the 4th time hes got out after adding less than 6 to a over night hundred.” Narkins.

Nasser said that Broad has been bowled a few times off this thigh pad, so change the thigh pad.

Broad gets a single, everyone is happy.

Siddle starts with a bouncer, looked pretty slow, Swann was safely underneath it. Katich is fielding at short leg without a helmet, poofy commentators think it is dangerous. Bullshit, I did it two weeks ago.

Swann was shitting himself a little too much and hung his bat out to a chest high one and finds Ponting at slip.

He isn’t going to get a ball in his half from now on.

-

The best part of the wicket was the fact Strauss had all but covered every part of his off stump, it was almost a peekaboo dismissal.

Swann clips one through the leg side to start with a boundary.

-

Hilfy to open up.

Hauritz off the field.

You are kidding me.

Strauss leaves a gentle inswinger, and it takes off stump out.

Why don’t people want to play Hilfy?

-

Welcome to the 2nd morning.

Let us swear as one if the clouds come over.

Will Strauss make a double ton?

Are Staurt Broad’s nuts still sore?

Will Graeme Swann hook Peter Siddle?

Can Mitchell Johnson hit the pitch?

That is me for the day, thanks for reading.

-

Holy fuck, Kp almost grabbed the ball 3 times, and all three times i started appealing.

That is why you never ever pick up the ball.

Then Hilfy laughs, then hilfy walks back, then he bowls a bouncer and KP is late to hook it and gloves it straight up in the air.

Next ball KP almost platys the straight one on, Hilfy is on fire.

Then Strauss gets a third while McDonald is fiddling around the boundary rope. And that is his ton.

Has been a very good knock, way better than Cook’s shit.

KP back on strike they, Australia wouldn’t mind.

But he middles it, and that is tea.

-

“I think Hughes’ mum might have been a qantas hostie.  He looks like Ralph fiennes” Superzaco. Until I read the end I thought you were trying to say his mum was a bitch.

-

KP leaves one from Hilfy, close, but not as close as last time.

Hilfy then over pitches and the ball is driven through mid off.

Australia have spent alot of time thinking about fields to KP, short catching mid off, catching short cover, catching short midwicket, and KP gets an inside edge back onto this thigh.

246/2

-

Strauss has a mid pitch nap while Ricky gives 4 overthrows.

Still no bowling from Michael Hussey, I am as surprised as you are.

Great bowling from North, bowls a quicker one and KP is slow to react and edges past slip.

Have been very impressed with his spell, but I also like wickets.

-

“the most accomplished brown person to play for england remain basil d’oliviera… for god’s sake, ravi, owais, sajid mehmood, usman afzaal, please fly the flag for us” KK. The most accomplished brown nose player was Ashley Giles.

Inside edge from KP.

Not loving the swinging ball at the moment.

-

North is slowly, or so very slowly, working Strauss out.

Strauss senses this and slog sweeps off the edge as much as anything else but with no man out, could have gone straight up.

-

KP hangs his bat in the wind and misses a massive outswinger.

NEWSFLASH: Hauritz is on the balcony.

KP misses another one.

“Don’t F this up, KP.” brett. You can say fuck here. Unless you had another F word in mind.

KP was going to miss another one but snatched his bat away.

-

“Bopara looks just as likely to score a zillion as go out next ball. Finally a bit of excitement” Poopsie. I think you pressed send as that hit his pad.

North still on.

Deep point out now.

“nice mo KP..” Moses.

Ravi and Cook out, both to straight balls, again.

-

Hilfy swings one into a wide half volley and Ravi slathers it with jam.

Next one he goes at again, and this time he almost finds point, one bounce to North.

Australia would think they can pick him up soon.

That is plumb, fuck it is.

Ravi looked like a puppy on the freeway then.

Just the straight one, but Hilfy had taken them all away, and Warne’s call on Ravi might not be the worst one ever.

-

North doing a top job here.

He almost bowls Strauss with a straight one that Haddin also left.

Then North bowls a wild one down the leg side, Strauss tries very hard to get some bat on it, and he helps it for 4. Would be a long time between runs for him.

Strauss squeezes a drive thorough point.

North built up all that pressure, but once he went down the legside he lost it.

-

“Fark even Hussey and Ponting may bowl 10 overs each” Poopsie. Ricky would get good swing there.

Hilfy is back on, good spell Mitch, lots of shit bowling, and a wicket.

Ravi is throwing himself at everything, Hilfy gets some swing, and Ravi hits it a foot past Hughes at short cover, the ball goes for four.

Fuck me if for the first time the ball hasn’t started to really hoop.

210/1

-

North might be able to get Strauss here, he looks frustrated, and North is doing well.

Ponting brought up the deep point and midwicket for the last ball, North gets his second maiden.

-

Mitch’s celebration was Lord Stueyesque.

Rav starts with a chip over square leg to the rope, Mitch tries a slower ball next ball.

Half volley on off stump, just a lazy ten off that one.

Go Mitch.

-

“cook misses out on a lords ashes hundred to mitchell johnson on his worst day. as nelson would say “ha-ha” KK.

North is out thinking Strauss a bit here, and they share a Lord’s giggle.

The odd one is turning for him as well.

-

Rav is in. His photo makes him look a little retarded.

He isn’t.

Mitch was just to quick for Cook.

It would have been a top ball at 11:12.

1/196

-

Mitchell bowls a special short and wide one, Strauss top edges it.

I think Australia should move the slips to thirdman, and then they will be a chance to take a catch.

Cook gets sucked in my a FULL and STRAIGHT ball, and he misses it.

He made 95, funny.

Mitchell might be bowling ass loads of dribble, but he is a wicket taker.

-

It’s time for Tim Neilsen to get a little Jim Jones with the Kool-Aid.

“I wonder if Warnie is pissed that John Buchanan has been so successful so far in this test” TGM. I didn’t know Bhooka Naan was playing.

North actually looks far more likely than Hauritz to get a wicket, no real surprise, just thought I’d mention it.

-

“What are we watching here? It sure as hell does not look like test cricket” poopsie. Tiddlywinks.

Mitch is on.

Starts with a short wide one. Gets smacked.

If I was Ponting I would rip out his tongue ring.

And again, Andrew mcDonald saves it though.

He decides on yorkers for the rest of the over, must be 2020 time.

-

Overthrows in this over.

I think Haddin should come on to bowl.

Cook or Strauss would need a real brain fuck to go out right now.

NEWSFLASH: Bauritz is not on the balcony, I repeat, Hauritz not on the balcony.

-

Australia has bowled quite well after lunch, and then Siddle drops sort and gets cut, but they have.

This over is shit, stop fucking saying good things jrod.

“Shall I be the first to ask if there’s another Australian spin bowler in England that the tourists could call on for the next match if Hauritz is out?   Maybe even someone with a few test wickets?” Chris. Terry Jenner is there.

-

Haddin misses one of those tricky ones that went straight to him.

I would pay money to see Haddin keep on an uncovered wicket.

Then Ponting lets one go through his legs.

“to relieve the boredom i started browsing through your “in bed with” series. will you consider ever writing one about sir brian charles, or will that get too graphic, even for this site?” KK. Doubtful. As he doesn’t play anymore, but you never know.

-

“Hauritz put down a catch only Haddin would have dropped” TGM. Haddin would get good turn on this wicket.

Cook hasn’t looked comfortable to me all day, he is on 88.

-

North bowls a good over.

He is a handy spinner, and in this match he might get 50 overs.

-

Siddle on.

There is a weird muted buzz out there now.

Hauritz is on the balcony with the physio.

His finger is all wrapped up, but he can’t bowl.

Not a bad over from Siddle, but there were more shots of hauritz than of Siddle.

-

Hauritz is down.

Australia might be fucked here.

Strauss comes down the wicket and whacks one straight back to him, and he should have caught it, instead it dislocated his finger.

The middle one.

That might be him for the match.

I don’t think you can bowl off spin without your middle finger.

North finishes the over, and keeps his fingers.

-

Haddin takes one and almost appeals.

Great ball.

Hilfy gets decides agaisnt persisting with his good elngth drops short and there goes the ball.

And again.

-

Hauritz isn’t bowling bad, but I’d be happy to face him now.

“it was a no ball, but haddin just got syphilis” the gaz man. How could he catch it?

-

Aussie wags pen on show. That runner is there, the blonde one that is married to Manou, her name, please?

Fucken useless pricks.

Hilfy gets an edge, Haddin drops it, and it is a no ball.

Australia is now taking the piss.

Hilfy is bowling the line though, and the length.

Strauss sort of mauls one for 2, bring up his 50.

-

Ponting changes the field, because Cook slogged two balls last over.

Warne is not happy, neither am I.

-

“I would be amazed if Strauss or Cook had any lunch, having feasted on so many delicious pies in the morning session.  Who can blame them for having a quiet few minutes waiting for the inevitable leg-side trash…” Chris.

Hilfy got bored bowling a great line and length and so he popped in with a slower ball down the leg side.

134/0

-

Cook slogs one off hauritz. Who does he think he is, James Anderson?

Cook looks a bit edgy, I wonder if that is because of his score, or his strike rate.

Another big hit.

Wow.

-

This is a terrible start for Australia.

Line.

Length.

Pitiful.

-

Mitchell being “rested”.

Hauritz is on.

Just a normal everyday hauritz over.

-

Hilfy beats the bat.

And again.

This doesn’t seem so hard now.

Hilfy will be pulled out of the attack for this kind of line and length.

-

Too much Steve Waugh in the lunch break, my testicles have gone back into my body.

For those who haven’t read it, see Me Vs. Steve Waugh here.

Warne and technology prove an uncomfortable partnership.

Hauritz is bowling medium pace.

Not sure what the idea of that over was.

And lunch.

Well batted England, yes they batted on a Keira, but they still had to put away all the bad balls, and that can be tiring.

-

Siddle starts with an unplayable ball. Of all the Australian bowlers he is the one who has looked least likely not to get a wicket. If you know what I mean.

“Harmison must be breathing a sigh of relief at missing out – a lucky escape, considering the pitch.” Dave. I think Australia would like to play him on his.

Two men on the leg side, Siddle gets on the stumps, Cook gets it to the rope.

-

Strauss sweeps one for four.

Another sweep, another 4.

According to the Guardian this is English cricket fans:

“Merchant bankers; young men from City law firms getting “bladdered”; a few “anoraks” who can afford the outrageous ticket prices you have to pay for a ticket to a Test match. Lord’s is also famously blessed with MCC members, a crusty collection of public-school bores who nab all the best seats and wear outlandishly coloured ties and blazers.“

Which one are you?

Warne isn’t happy with the field, it is an odd one.

-

A right arm bowler comes around the wicket to a left hander, and Ricky thinks, only two fielders on the leg side.

Fuck that.

-

Decent over from hauritz, nothing special.

Just to prove I am now an expert on off spin, here is an excerpt from this week’s Barnes Bugle:

“With their remaining opener nurdling to 49, the game was slithering away from Barnes until a spirited fightback lead by spin-king Kimber the Timber.
He somehow extracted variable bounce from the pudding pitch and started to get turn. The happy Harrow boys fell silent for the first time as wickets fell and Moolman picked up an astonishing catch between his shins.”

Whole spell was bowled with the wettest cricket ball I have ever used. Leg spin was not an option.

-

Haddin has missed dropped three balls in an over and a ball. My god man, you have gloves on.

“It is almost as if the groundsman prepared this pitch with Andrew McDonald in mind” Poopsie. I always have AM on my mind.

Siddle fires a bouncer a mile down leg side, for the first time Haddin had no chance.

Australia have lost the plot.

“4 byes? harsh on the backstop but fek ‘im !!!!” Apples.

-

Nathan Hauritz is God.

And he is on.

Now that I have taken 3/52 bowling off spin, I realise how fucken easy off spin is.

Warne is talking up McGain, good man Warne.

Typical Hauritz over, not much happened.

-

“man sky is pathetic. when memories of 2005 would not suffice, they show a scorecard from fucking 1934. the english would never win until they stop looking at the fucking past. ” KK.

Cook brings up a 50 from an edge/steer to third man. Off only 73 balls, Mitch should be proud, look at the strike rate he got cook to.

Next ball Siddle balls a top delivery, and Cooks misses it and Haddin drops it.

“Has there even been an appeal yet – Haddin not withstanding?” Poopsie. Edge to second slip. And that is all.

Siddle bowls another great one, Cook leaves it and it almost takes off stump with it, and Haddin is so excited he refuse to stop the ball.

Best over of the match, Cook pads up, it is not out, but it is worth a shout.

Siddle is looking hot here.

-

Mitch drops short, which on this pitch is likeing steve waugh a question he doesn’t want to here.

Time for Mike Hussey to bowl.

-

“Can we sue someone for false advertising?  Where is this all-rounder with the combined skill of Miller, Sobers and Botham?   Where he be?  Who’s this shitty left-armer who makes Mark Illott look good?” Chris. I’m more a pitch fork kind of guy. Let me at Mitchell and I’ll fix/kill him.

I shit you not they have changed bowlers, AGAIN. Siddle on now. What is Ricky doing?

That wasn’t a bad over from Siddle. He looks a bit more controlled than he was at Cardiff.

Doesn’t look like taking a wicket, but none of them do.

-

Mitch is still on, purely for comedy effect you’d imagine.

“hilfenhaus has got the right idea. he will just bore them to death with that steady line and length. of course boring cook and strauss to death would take so long there would be no world left to witness it” KK.

I am whsipering this, but Mitchell is bowling a much better over.

Half volley on leg stump, 4.

Apparently I whispered too loudly.

And a short one, a pull shot, a worried look from Mitch, 4.

-

Strauss greets Hilfy with a limp wristed pull shot off a full ball.He misses it.

“Clark must be wondering about karma, not to be bowling here, and watching this rubbish. Siddle and Hilfie are nice enough bowlers on their day, but not for Lords, Not for the big guns.” Steve. You’re right, it’s Hilfenhaus and Siddle that are bowling rubbish…

Hilfy is now just hitting a length, nothing else to do out here.

“Hey did you know Boycott met Siddle’s parents at Cardiff? That’s the 4th time I’ve heard him tell the story now, so guess they must ave been proud as punch” Bumble met them too. The whores.

65/0

-

Mitch on again.

Ricky is like a coked up teenager with a new iphone here.

And he drops one short, which is cut for four, and cut and paste that for the next ball.

Say what you want about Mitch, he is the most entertaining part of this first session.

“did anyone else think flintoff looked injured even in the coming up batsmen segment they did with all of them walking to the screen?” KK. Yes. And that someone had digitally altered all the heights so that everyone is the same height. Unless Matt Prior is 6’5

That was a good ball from Mitch. Wow.

One more short one, Mitch gets away with it.

-

An American girl likes test cricket. It is saved.

“Does anyone keep records for the number of bowling changes made in the first session of a test match? I can’t keep up with this.” Chris. The most changes with the fewest amount of bowlers.

Can I just say I was at the MCC meeting the other day and they were all talking about how the want to make test cricket better and all that shit. Bullshit. This pitch is made for entertaining test cricket. Stick your pink balls up your ass if this is what you are going to prepare for us. I’m going to write a letter to someone. Henry Rollins perhaps.

Nothing happened that over.

-

This is not a pitch, it’s a platter.

Siddle drops one short, because this is clearly the wicket for that, and Cook miss hits a pull shot in the air but safe.

57/0

Drinks.

-

Hilfy comes back on. Is Mitch the most expensive change bowler in history?

“This now qualifies as a “flyer”.Give Kattich a bowl!” Stu.

I’m not sure I am even watching the cricket. Even when Strauss and Cook get off to a good start it does bore me.

Andrew McDonald on the field, lock up your daughters.

-

“This pitch is shite. Rain-affected draw. Feels like 1953 all over again.” D Charlton. Just talked to Neil Harvey, he says the wicket had a bit more seam early on.

Siddle is keeping the runs down here.

Doesn’t look like getting a wicket.

He keeps searching for something and eventually puts it full and wide and Strauss helps himself through covers.

-

Oh Ricky. He has brought Mitch back on, I assume to change ends with Siddle, but is that one over out of the attack enough for him.

Mitch slips one by Cook, it didn’t seem to move at all.

Cook edges one through gully to the rope.

“Not the way you want to start your first test at HQ, with the inbred hobbit dragging you off after four overs” Chris. Especially when his wet hands touch you.

Not a bad over compared to the shit of the rest.

PAUL HARRIS IS THE 8TH RANKED BOWLER IN THE WORLD. KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE. THE END IS COMING.

-

“Why is it that every time there is an improtant series, the Aussie spearhead tends to start having family problems. (Brett Leeagainst India and now Mitch)” DM. Lee’s one was actually before a one day series against Bangladesh.

Hilfy has worked out this is like the tracks of Hobart, invented to kill bowlers, and he has slipped into a comfortable line.

maiden.

-

“This pitch looks like as lifeless as Neil Harvey” Poopsie. Was it better in your day…

Never doubt my influence, Peter Sizzle is on.

He starts with a marshmallow short ball.

Siddle might be wondering when he will turn up on a wicket that anyone would like to bowl on.

Average first over.

-

“Do you get the feeling Mitchell Johnson is really worried about what his Mum is going to do next.” Stu. Aren’t we all.

Cook plays a handy pull shot off a not so short ball.

England look more confident now.

Ricky, have you go your blackberry on? Take Mitch off, and stop spitting in your fucken hands.

39/0

-

Maybe I was wrong about Mitch, that last one was 93 clicks.

Or I was right. Next one is a half tracker outside off stump and Strauss queue ends with through covers for 4.

He has the pace now, but he is everywhere. On the pads and Strauss clips it for another 4.

England is only scoring at one end.

And he fires one down the legside.

Get him off for fucks sake.

-

Cook waves his bat outside off stump, he doesn’t do that often… He gets a 4.

First runs off HIlfy.

Ricky gambles with a 2nd gully instead of a 3rd slip and Cook (playing away from his body) nicks one that Ricky was a little slow on, but even if he went quickly it might have been out of his grasp. Top over.

-

A bouncer, the game has a pulse.

Wide, short and shit from Mitch and Strauss slaps that away, Mitchell has the face of someone who has just founds his car keys after an exhaustive search.

On the pads Strauss flips one through, two catching men on the leg side but that was safe enough.

Mitchell needs a break already.

15/0

-

That was another over.

7/0

-

Can we start the game now.

7/0

-

Was that swing i see before me?

Hilfy is just holding his line or slightly coming back now.

Cook plays an angled bat dab to square leg. Have seen that shot many times before from Cook.

Maiden.

-

Mitch is on, thought they might be tempted to bowl Siddle up front, he is the better new new ball bowler.

He almost starts with an accidental wicket as he gets one on Cook’s pads and he hits it in the air behind square for four.

One top ball in the over, like hilfy’s over, except with runs.

-

Hilfy to start, interesting, Johnson at first change?

Strauss facing up.

Warne in the box.

Hilfy bowled that as slow as he could.

And then a real ball, much better.

After 5 balls of warm up Hilfy squirts one off the seam and Strauss misses it.

-

Teams as stolen from cricinfo. Montybot out, Onions in.

-

Welcome to the coverage of the ANdrew Flintoff memorial game.

I have my knee and ankle braces on, and have coloured a small patch of my hair a different colour.

It has been a pleasure, thanks to all three of you for commenting, don’t eat the shrimp, good night and good luck.

-

The last over before lunch, England get some luck with Clarke facing.

Montybot gets so super bounce, just super.

Clarke gets one away for two, North hasn’t watched him bat much, I would have farmed the strike, or ploughed it.

But Clarke doesn’t have a brain fart, and that is lunch.

-

Broad looks fired up now, must have been those 12 runs in the previous over.

This is the best time to bowl to Clarke, he hates batting for breaks.

Gets one down the ground for a 3 though, England need him on strike.

Broad gets short and wide to North, and Marcus does everything he can to get out to it.

346/4

Superazo, “i think it’s great that broad can find time out from touring with Hansen to play some cricket….” MMMM… bop. I tried not to write it, but it is addictive.

-

If you think i put this up just because it is keith miller, you are correct.

When Marcus North is struggling I really want a commentator to say he looks like a disorganised batsman.

-

Strauss patted Montybot like a dog, there’s a good boy.

Broad on.

England try a leg slip to Clarke, so Broad drops it short and Clarke pulls it for four.

Leg slip lasts one ball.

Broad bowls a ball that might have gone to first slip, Clarke players a slater drive to get two, ugly cricket all round.

Broad needs a wicket, and he gets a full oen to Clarke who edges through the vacant third slip region.

Whoops.

12 off this over.

Not what England needed.

-

Montybot comes on before Swann, again….

Ponting eases one through the offside to bring up his 150.

Montybot has a run out chance and misses the stumps with an awkward back flick by 7 metres.

Shit ball from Monty, but Ricky drags it on.

England really needed that, this is an interesting 17 or so minites.

Well played you hairy armed goblin.

-

Freddie decides to throw the ball back at Clarke a few times.

The crowd likes it.

-

Jimmy into his seventh over this spell, how long can they go for.

This spell has been good, but will the 3 other bowlers be able to match it, as they will be bowling in the session of death.

Clarke finds a hole at midwicket and gets off the mark.

-

England must get Clarke out early, if they don’t he will make a hundred, he loves coming in when the score is like this, it is his bread and butter. His average would be 25 without great starts from the top order.

superzaco, “i have a lazy hunney that this pitch looks like a baghdad highway by day five. typical useless fucking welsh. good for nothing but triple word scores in scrabble.”

In the last two days there have been one wicket taken in the middle session, they need one more here I reckon.

And Freddie beats Clarke on queue.

-

First one to Clarke is on a good length, and he pushes it to gully.

richie “my god. an english commentator just acknowledged the 06/07 series. did the earth stop spinning, just for a second?”

Clarke leans on the next one and it flies to point and Ravi only just stops it. Awesome timing.

Jimmy follows up with a full toss and Clarke clips it to mid wicket.

wicket maiden 325/3

-

Hussey just fishes off Anderson, nicks it behind, nothing special, just another soft dismissal from Hussey.

-

Alot of time and effort went into this, but why?

Freddie drops short and Ricky swivles on it giving out a roaohah type noise.

And the bouncer which Ponting hooks for six, off the top edge, was never in control of it, but it was a no ball, it only just cleared montybot who looked like a three year old jumping for a lolly.

-

Nothing to report on.

318/2

-

Jimmy walks past one in the field, and gives Ponting a village two.

Freddie and Hussey are pretty good mates so Freddie hits him on the head with a bouncer. Any batsman who takes his eye off the ball deserves to be hit on the head.

It goes for four, I hate that rule, how is ducking playing a shot, should be outlawed.

-

Drinks.

What a blog post this one is.

Filler?

-

Andy Sith, “excellent. if we can just get rid of mr cricket we’re into your tail.” I thought Hussey was our tail.

Jimmy hits Ricky on the pads, and they give a groan even though the ball would have missed an 8th stump.

Jimmy gets full to Hussey and he nicks it back on to his pads, JImmy was fantasising about that going back onto the stumps.

Hussey gets one on the pads and he tucks it for two to get off the mark.

-

Probably a good thing Katich is out, my eyes were hurting.

Freddie to Ponting now. Hussey will have to wait.

To straight and Ponting helps that to fine leg to the rope.

Then he is straight and Ponting works him for two, this makes Freddie finally find a good line and he beats ponting.

306/2

-

They keep showing Ponting’s coverdrive off Jimmy, i am wooding up.

Jimmy is bowling 4 outswingers, and two inswingers each over. Surely he should be working on the outswinger and use the inswinger as a surprise ball.

What a ball from Jimmy, the swinging yorker, and it looked plum as to me. Katich gone.

Hussey to come in, Australia’s secondary opener.

-

Katich hits the ball in his old favourite area, through fourth slip. It rolls along the ground, Justin Langer would be proud.

Freddie hits Katich, who turns his back AB style. Then he walks back near the stumps and protects them from the imaginary ball he is looking for. The ball landed in front of him, but it was cool watching him look for it.

Average over from Freddie.

-

Sky start the over with special wobbly over cam, please don’t do that again.

What are they doing, this weird shaky zoom thing is hurting my head.

Short ball from Jimmy Ponting slaps it one bounce to gully. It was only KP, so he was probably safe anyway.

Ponting goes fishing, and it hits the face of the bat and flies a metre or so from KP.

Jimmy has some words, good thinking, poke the bear.

294/1

-

Freddie comes on and bowls to first slip, Prior does well to glove it.

The next one is a wide half volley, and Katich tries to slap it, he misses it and the crowd seem to rise as one.

Interesting over from Freddie, nothing really happened, but the crowd seemed to think it did.

-

Jimmy is on.

New ball swings a bit.

Jimmy drops one short, Ricky swings it to backward square leg and Montybot seems to be in limbo and the ball flies close to him but then safely to the rope. Montybot looks confused.

The guy who holds the ball to the camera has a long nail on his ring finger that makes me ill.

New ball is flying off the bat here, Ponting cover drives one and beats the sweeper to the rope. It was so textbook the textbooks should be thrown out.

England need a wicket in the next 5 or Australia may cash in.

-

Swannie bowls another full toss, yesterday he said it wasn’t usually a part of his game, is he going a little Bryce McGain.

Freddie chases it, and I swear I have seen puppets move more naturally.

Jimmy warming up, new ball will be taken as these two aren’t bowling that well.

Swann keeps bowling shite, half tracker to Katich and the Krab scuttles it to the rope.

End of the 80th….

-

There are four catching men for Katich, positive thinking.

Katich tickles one to slip, but it drops a metre short. I think you’d have to really be going at one to edge it to slip on this wicket.

And Katich does really go at the next one and cover slaps it for four.

274/1

-

Swannie is on now. Not quite sure I understand what is going on with this new ball, they have to take it, don’t they?

Starts with a full toss, Ponting helps him self to a straight four.

Swann spins one and it surprises everyone, Ponting was expecting a full toss.

People still cheer when montybot fields the ball, how often does he really fuck up, less than Yuvraj Singh i reckon.

-

Can we trust Ian Botham says? He keeps talking about turn that I don’t see much of.

Ponting is pissed off by it and plays a back foot cover drive that I played in a dream one time. four.

200 run partnership but the welsh crowd seemed to miss it.There are lord’s members watching this on their TV machine who are tut tuting now.

-

Ponting in good touch as he eases a on drive, for those who have never played on on drive and don’t know how hard it is, easing one is gold. Jimmy Anderson stops it for 3.

Will be interesting to see if Broad is given the new ball, due in 4 overs if you don’t count this over.

He will be well warmed up.

-

Interesting that they are starting with montybot, Swann is their number one spinner, and Freddie their number one bowler.

These days Montybot is more of a number 2.

256/1

-

Bit of a dead start, England starting with a man out at deep point, could be one of those days,

Actual runs in this over, Broad is getting some nice lift.

Katich drives one straight down the ground and Freddie runs after it like an old man chasing his dog, he almost kills himself as he jumps the fence.

-

Montybot to Ponting.

Another maiden, no real spin, except from inside the comm box.

-

Broad to Katich.

The thigh of Broad must be better today, yesterday he looked proppy, and he bowled dribble.

Broad bowls a corker, it explodes off the surface, but it is a mile outside off. He may have got more movement there than Monty ad Swannie combined.

Maiden.

-

Jerusalem is being sung again, it is the mormon song of England, if you get that well done, if not I won’t explain it.

-

Join me for the first session from 11 Welsh time.

Should be the best day ever*.

Here are some questions for you to mull over before the start of play.

If your child batted like Simon Katich would you put him down?

What percentage of Andrew Flintoff is still flesh and bone?

If Graeme Swann underperforms today what will the press say?

Is it possible that Mike Hussey will break his foot from nervous toe tapping if this partnership goes for another session?

That is lunch for me, sorry about the first halfa, but I think I came back strong after that.

There won’t be a second session, but there may be a third…

-

Last over before lunch.

Gully for Swann.

And they get to lunch without any scars, but England need to regroup quickly.

-

Another short and wide one despatched by Hughes, he is going at a run a ball and Strauss puts a deep point out.

You need three men out on the off side boundary if you are going to bowl there to him.

38/0, lucky this is only a half an hour session, England need respite already.

-

Strauss has turned to Swann.

Cook applies for a wide.

The Krab picks off a two, he does like the spin.

Two stupid appeals in one over.

Billy Doctrove hates excessive appealling.

The krab edges one off the last one, wouldn’t have carried, but good bowling.

-

Just got the 2nd invite to Lord’s in two weeks. The ECB might hate me, but Lord’s loves me.

Quieter over, but you must say that Australia look very comfortable here, time for Freddie or Swannie, or Montie?

-

Broad found the line over middle stump now.

The thing about bowling short to Hughes is that you have to get it exactly right, or he cuts your heart out, which he just did.

Big start for Australia, Hughes looks comfortable, well as comfortable as he can, and Katich has faced one ball in 4 overs.

-

Katich to face Anderson.

And he squeezes a run first ball. Old openers are always the clever ones who find singles early on.

Anderson bowls a hooping inswinger and Hughes cover drives it for 2.

Stu “Anderson is to opening bowlers as Hauritz is to off spin!”

I actually think Anderson has got better, but when he leaks runs, oh does he leak runs.

Jimmy bowls a wide as well, just to make sure Australia are scoring at 7 an over.

22/0

-

Broad to bowl to Hughes.

So far Hughes has been given width by both bowlers and he picks up a 2 from Broad.

Shit and short outside off from Broad, Hughes slaps it away like Madonna slapping away the paparazzi.

Broad is still outside off and short, and Phil forces another one for four.

Hughes has got Australia off to a flier, crowd is confused at this batting anomaly smacking them around with ease.

Broad finally gets the short ball in the right place and Atherton squirts.

-

England’s plan to Phil Hughes is not to give him any runs. Well said David Gower.

Phil Hughes looks ugly, jumpy, and streaky.

Situation normal then.

Graeme Swann walks after a miss timed cover drive from hughes.

Interesting first over, Jimmy seemed to wanna try everything.

-

Steve “It’s not just Horror. You missed Piddle pissing runs everywhere, too, Jrod.  Fuck, I’d exchange the lot of them for Stuart Clark.”

A 4 for 1 deal?

-

KK “you get the sneaky feeling that if the poms can bat like this, katich is just setting himself up for a monstrously ugly double right now…”

I think I said yesterday imagine Katich making a double hundred on this… no don’t, it hurts too much.

-

“how big are strauss’ balls – he should open the balling with swanny. just for a laugh.” Andy Sith

So let’s talk about Strauss’ balls, opened with Swanny at Lord’s, but to counterpoint that he uses Nightwatchman for tailenders and declares hours too late every time.

I would say at this stage he has normal sized balls.

-

Hilariously Hauritz flights one, Swann dances down the wicket and hits it straight to midwicket.

Monty walks off, but perhaps he should have listened to the call of no ball.

Fucken hell Hauritz, you can’t do anything right can you?

Haddin’s desperation on appealing when Hauritz gets something close to a wicket tells you everything you need to know.

Hauritz gets Monty with his first wicket from good bowling.

435 all out.

-

Mitchell comes on and first ball hits Monty with a quick full one that was just going down leg, regardless of what hawkeye says.

The Mitchell slower ball gets popped up from Monty and it teasingly whispers its way short of mid on.

433/9

-

Hauritz gets to bowl at Monty for most of the over and Monty plays a KP style sweep shot and it is just outside the grasp of Michael Clarke.

Had hauritz taken that wicket, he would have gotten 3 wickets without any real spinning talent on display.

-

Monty starts with a lovely tuck off his hip for 3, doubtful that Hilf found it lovely.

Swannie plays a nice chip shot, I do like a chip shot.

Monty survives the over.

This is now a jolly little morning for England.

-

Jimmy comes dancing down the wicket like a white guy at a wedding and just chips it up and it falls nowhere.

Anderson is playing a shot a ball to hauritz, just not good shots.

And on the third one he bunts it to mid on.

Just when Australia were really struggling Jimmy gives them a wicket.

Drinks.

Nathan gets a junk wicket but then almost earns his first wicket of the match by ripping one through Swann.

This is the perfect situation for hauritz, he is a decent, if not good, one day bowler.

-

Delightful chip from Swannie, straight back over Hilfenhaus’ head and then posed for every single camera in the ground.

Anderson does well not to go out when facing the quickie.

-

Yesterday England played hauritz with a mind on making a big total, today they are just taken his pants down and are abusing him with broom sticks.

James Anderson trying to reverse sweep him?

Just the lazy ten off that over.

-

Hilfy is still bowling well, he hasn’t had much luck in the game though has he.

His over shows the gap in class between Australia’s seamers and their spinners (sic).

-

Ofcourse I get here and Haurutz comes in, bastard.

Real spin today.

Imagine that.

Graeme Swann’s chest guard almost seems novelty size.

Swannie welcomes Hauritz with 3 fours, i may be wrong, but i get the feeling he doesn’t rate nathan much.

-

Sorry I’m late, bloody internet eh.
-

Be here for the start of day two. We all know I won’t make it to the end. But I rock the first session. See you then.

That is it for me, I can’t do it anymore. Thanks for the comments.

-

Colly hits the ball straight to mid off and takes a single to make his 50, worth a knighthood?

This is going to be my last session, you can’t make love to a turd.

Jason Gillespie said this on twitter, “Backing siddle for a couple here. Spinners did not look like getting a wicket.” which is nice, but he did call for Nathan to play…

That is tea.

194/3

-

Marcus North looked like he was trying to get himself brought on, but Hauritz took his hat off first.

KP makes his 50, not the sort that would arouse the average news of the world reader.

Hundred run partnership is up, these two like batting together, KP likes to bat with someone who makes him look good, and Collingwood likes batting with someone who makes him look more intelligent.

-

Clarke off, Siddle back.

I just had a shocking thought, What if katich makes a double hundred on this pitch…

Siddle pulls it back, one off the over.

TOB, “Where is Shane Warne? Sky have spent the last 50 years trailing his appearance in the ‘comm box’. apparently he’ll be there ‘later in the week’. What gives, Warnie?” Either with the sky weather chick, or Katherine Jenkins.

188/3

-

Hauritz is staying on.

Starts the over well actually, nice flight.

Surely this is the time that he just needs to toss the ball up and see how it goes.

Mako, “How good is it that there is no cocksucking Mark Nicholas on the commentary team, the biggest wannabe Aussie there has ever been after last summer’s stint on Channel 9? Bloody fantastic!” delightful

-

Clarke starts with a full toss that you’re albanian grandmother could have hit.

Time to get rid of the spinners.

Andysith, “can’t spin it, slower than he thinks he is, no balls a lot – brett lee’s not injured at all, he’s just masquerading as a shit spinner” Can’t be Lee, Hauritz doesn’t look earnest enough.

-

If you aren’t watching this match, and you want me to paint a picture with words, here you go:

You know the scenes in the soap operas when a character is in a coma and everyone stands around them talking, it feels like that.

Hauritz tried to get us all involved by dropping short for two fours that over.

-

Clarke almost bowls KP around his legs.

Well not around his legs, KP just moved his legs away from the stumps and almost got bowled.

Haddin was so excited he refused to stop the ball, it must have missed by less than an inch.

-

Now the odd ball is spinning the commentators have stopped talking about it. Go figure.

Not a bad over from Hauritz. He is tying Collingwood down well, although it may help that KP can’t take quick singles.

-

Clarke is getting significantly more spin than Hauritz, but fuck me it is slow.

KK, “‘ “The ball is turning and bouncing yet all the England batsman have to do is get a bit of inside edge onto it, and its an easy single! I’d have those fieldsman up, and at least another catching man in on the onside to go with the slip.” That’s Jarrod’s opinion’ …is there another jrod in the cricketing blogosphere, or are you having a jekyll/hyde moment?” Not me.

-

Hauritz and haddin throw in a charity appeal. It is turned down, and so it should be, fuck me that was a stupid fucking appeal.

3 an over for England in the innings, 66 runs in 25 overs in this partnership.

Seems to be the clever way to bat on this pitch, even if I want to have nap.

-

Clarke could be spinning it more than Hauritz.

It isn’t actual spin.

Nasser is all over KP’s achillies, and by the look on KP’s face, he wishes Nasser would get off it.

-

Ponting has brought a third catcher, Hauritz bowls a non spinning ball down the legside.

Poopsie, “Could it be more dull? Good to see Aleem Dar doing stretches incase he has an “incident”" She is a starfish alright.

153/3

-

Australia is turning to one of their front line spinners, M Clarke.

Clarke tosses one up and Collingwood goes him and he miss hits it but gets two.

Hauritz feels stupid.

-

You can score at 3 an over from Hauritz in a coma.

-

Mitchell has got some speed up now.

Spent most of the over above the 90 mile mark, but he doesn’t look like taking a wicket.

-

Hauritz spun one. At least an inch.

Andysith “why is ponting’s head too small for his baggy green? if his ears weren’t so big it’d be down past his nose.” Too philosophical for me.

I ask you, is Nathan Hauritz a cow?

-

Bumble keeps talking about Ponting having to learn captaincy without Warne and McGrath, SERIOUSLY, 2 and a half years ago.

Ponting brings up the 50, it is an exceptional spit in the hands rate.

Miss field, “Oh is that who that woman was. I was thinking ‘how come they get two goes at a song?’… her diction was so poor I didn’t even notice she was singing in Welsh.” she said diction….

-

That one spun savagely, and by spun savagely, I mean went straight.

KP dances down the wicket without ever really looking at the ball, shocking shot.

50 run partnership, it hasn’t been pretty, or fluent, or any sexed up, but it has been solid.

Drinks.

141/3

-

Bob Willis looked like a made for TV serial killer there.

Neerav “Did you just comment on Cricinfo or is there another Jarrod out there?” I have never commented on cricinfo. The clue is he says the ball is turning.

England are batting the way Mark Cosgrove said Australia should, no risks, no runs, slow and steady.

136/3

-

I missed the first one, but it may have spun.

The next two didn’t.

-

Mitchell back on.

The average age of Australian supporters in Wales is 74.

Poopsie has a point, “Hauritz to Collingwood – is it fair to charge an entrance fee for test cricket to see that? I always thought club cricket was free for viewers?”

-

No spin.

No spin.

No spin.

Inconclusive.

No spin.

No spin.

KK, “fake spin from one end, fake reverse swing from the other… the english commentators are shameless…” Fake commentators.

-

Siddle got one to swing in, late.

Australia is drying the runs up now.

Siddle is not look as dangerous in this spell, but he is hard to score from in this mood.

-

The commentators are talking up the spin, perhaps they think if they keep talking about it way not notice that the ball is NOT REALLY FUCKING TURNING.

Am I blind beefy, do you think I cannot see? Bounce i see, one got Colly just near the crackers, but spin, where, where is this spin?

-

Siddle is putting in the odd grunt now, but he isn’t getting much movement anymore.

Beefy is comparing Siddle to the great north suburban mental case Rodney Hogg.

Top over from Siddle.

-

Hauritz back on, and wow, that a doosra.

Look at that carrom ball.

Was that a flipper?

Sorry, line and length with a hint of spin, never more than a hint.

KP hits the ball into the ground, and while it is still moving he picks it up. I appealed, Haddin didn’t, go figure.

-

Colly pulls Siddle, this time he doesn’t use the toe, no fun.

Hauritz is on fire, pulls off a one handed save, it was so good i thought it was a real fielder.

120/3

-

Hauritz on.

Fuck.

He almost got a wicket, that would have been hilarious. KP sweeps off the top edge but it lands very safely.

There is a hint of spin, like if I said I am thinking of an actress with long hair.

-

Standard hitting the bat hard over from Siddle.

What would Katherine Jenkin’s think?

109/3

-

How does spitting on your hands improve your catching?

Hilfy gets the swing back, but KP slaps it through covers.

-

The economist just asked me to show their viral video of some dude walking on red string. Why?

Siddle starts at the other end. The Katherine Jenkin’s end?

KP walks over the top of a yorker from Siddle, misses the edge and the stumps.

Fuck the fanatics look old. No wonder they never got back to me about playing in my charity game.

-

Hilfy to start, KP starts with a cover drive on the up.

Tame first over, Hilfy bowled without much swing.

-

Incase you missed the very talented singer of the Welsh anthem.

She has a fantastic set of lungs on her, and by lungs, I mean lungs you filthy fuckers.

Collingwood pulls the ball for four off the toe of his bat with his eyes shut. Top effort.

Stu “There’s your wicket jrod! Now bring on the collapse”

Collingwood and his bat’s toe gets them to lunch.

Ricky looks very happy, he high and low fives everyone, his arm hair billowing in the wind.

Australia’s session.

Come back after lunch and I shall continue.

97/3 or 3/97

-

England are now stalking lunch.

Collingwood looks good, and that is hard to type as my fingers automatically rejected the premise.

Australia appeal for something.

It is not out. On every county, but KP continues to look ordinary.

-

Rav looks cool now, and then he plays and misses.

One more wicket before lunch and England could well collapse here.

Ravi cannot pick the slower ball, and this dismissal is going to be replayed until Bopara kills himself.

He just pushes it straight up in the air o point, and Phil Hughes keeps him internested by sitting down to catch it.

Mitchell is now standing above Cardiff like a oversized mythical God.

Collingwood in before lunch, Australia would be giddy, positively.

-

HIlfy still having the best of KP, he is trying to get him out caught at slip, LBW, or caught on the leg side.If he goes out in any of those ways I will claim it.

Great out swinging yorker, KP nicks it for 2.

KP played three shots at a ball he leaves. Has he been mainlining red bull, he looks way more jittery than normal, like a coke addict in an 80s action film.

-

KP still looks bad, edges to slip off Mitchell, but it doesn’t carry, and follows that with a “I have to fucken get off strike” single.

Ravi suddenly brightens up. Pretty little flick off the hip, followed by some drives.

For the first time he looks comfortable in the middle.

KP takes the third of his red bull runs.

England doing well to score at this rate on this pitch.

-

Mitchell finally fins his groove, takes a wicket, and scares everyone.

Ricky takes him off, i assume to switch ends, but still.

Hilfy is back, and first ball he strikes KP dead in front, but too high.

KP looks comical, he is all over the crease, nowhere near the ball though.

Hilfy is looking very good here.

karachikhatmal “i just read the comments, so  i’m not sure when they are from, but seriously wasn’t there a whole lot happening through out the session? don’t get why people kept complaining it was boring…” No one has said it was boring since the first 20 minutes, and they were boring.

-

Australia looking super mega sexy right now.

Ravi has looked average for a long time, and KP is fresh meat.

Siddle needs a break though.

For confirmation he bowled a ball down the leg side that Cameron White would be proud of.

75/2

-

Mitchell just starts to flirt with 90 miles, but he doesn’t know it well enough to ask for its number.

Strauss misses a straight yorker. Australia appeal, it was just down leg, but Mitchell is here now.

He hits Ravi with a proper quick ball, and next ball Ravi dry humps a slower ball past Hilfy.

Oh Mitchell you are looking sexy.

Strauss is out, Mitchell goes straight for the throat, Strauss cannot limbo under it and gloves it gently to M Clarke at slip.

Mmmmm, that’s hot.

-

Ravi is shaken, there is no doubt. I can almost smell the sledging, “you’re not playing the windies now sunshine”, “I slept with your mum, she was rubbish, like you are at cricket”.

Windy waftty edge over point from Ravi is followed by him missing one.

Siddle have trouble with his front foot.

Ravi flashes one through point and gully in the air. It was better than the last one, but catchable.

63/1

-

Slowly but surely Mitchell is working this out.He doesn’t always come out the blocks like a champion greyhound.

For reverse swing Mitchell should use a rougher tongue stud.

That was the trademark Mitchell ball, the slingy one that goes ever so slightly away. Ravi misses it, and Atherton talks about him backing away.

That is book speak for he pissed his pants a little.

-

Siddle has rocked a couple of swinging yorkers. Strauss keeps hitting them to fine leg.

Ravi does not like Siddle, maybe he thinks Siddle is a rival junk yard dog.

Finally Ravi plays a shot. Full and swinging in from Siddle and Ravi plays an on drive that would turn your grandma on.

-

Johnson comes back on and bowled a Harmylite ball.

Then gives Strauss some cutting practice.

Ravi is wristy (translation: he is from the subbie).

-

England is batting treacle.

Johnson was grooveless.

Hilfy got the wicket and then found his groove.

Siddle was molesting Ravi with the short ball.

-

Siddle is swinging it too. Australia are attacking. 3 slips, a gully, and the reverse Gooch catchers.

Strauss remembers to play a shot and slaps a pull shot away with ease.

Here is one for you all, when Brett Lee plays the Australian over rate is always worse than watching Vanilla Sky, but when he doesn’t play they are on the rate more or less.

Drinks.

38/1

-

Ponting has gone for the reverse Graham Gooch field. A short cover and a catching mid off.

I’d prefer them straight behind each other. Alderman would want that.

Hilfy has some lovely curve now, like the swinging hips of one of Elvis’s dancers in in Blue Hawaii.

-

Siddle almost decapitates Strauss who is late to get out the way of a short one.

Looks like Siddle is playing the enforcer role, he hasn’t put many in the batsmen’s half yet.

Ofcourse the next ball is a yorker, and Strauss plays it well to the fine leg rope.

-

The game isn’t as exciting when its hilfy to strauss.

Hilfy finally gets to bowl to a proper batsman (right hander) and he swings it away nicely.

Sid says “Is CA sending replacement for Lee? how’s Tait doing ??” No, they believe Hauritz is enough. That isn’t true, I think Bollinger is on stand by.

27-1

-

Siddle gets one to seam away, first sign of life in the deck.

Now he nips one back, inside edge from Ravi who has just realised he is playing test cricket.

Another one nips back, and he inside edges this one for four. Siddle is smiling, not a good sign for England.

Rav is shitting himself and he looks like hitting it to short leg every ball.

Andy Sith “oh tits. i was just about to say you’ll never bore us out 20 times a match with a nagging ‘not quite line and length’ and then the poor man’s bryce mcgain takes a wicket.”

Simon Jones is with a hot blonde, who would have thought.

-

This wicket has the MCG bounce, and Strauss tries a pull/block with his eyes shut.

Jonathan takes a wicket, “Just told my daughter it was time for a wicket – not sure she agreed, but Hussey sure did!”

22-1

-

Cook and Strauss is a bad start to this series. Katich & Hughes would have at least brought in comedy.

Sid, “wat r the speeds sizzle is hitting ?” High 80s mostly, seen him quicker.

Just watching the replay I think Cook thought that was coming back in, it didn’t, top bowling from Hilfy.

Fuck yeah, Siddle brings the pain, hits Ravi in the grill, almost reaches into his throat and rips it out.

Siddle smiles.

Next ball is at the ribs, he smells blood.

Raw sexual energy from Siddle, get your cocks and clits out people, we have some life.

-

Cook is out, the cricket gods couldn’t stand watching him anymore. Cook just pushes at one he had no reason to play at and gives Mike Hussey the chance to improve the highlight reel.

Hilfy is erect.

That is just what this match needed, one of the lifeless corpses to fuck off.

-

This is a cold cup of coffee start for all those who wanted excitement.

Ricky noticed that Mitchell was in slow mo mood, Peter Sizzle is on.

-

Hilfenhaus bowled this over, that is all.

19/0

-

Michael Holding thinks all you twitterers are mouth breathing fucktards, his words, not mine.

Mitchell almost slips one through, Strauss drags it to short fine leg. Mitchell is having one of his slow motion starts.

-

Hilf gets straight again, all the runs are directed at square leg.

16/0 or 0/16

Richie-141 “Am I hallucinating? The ‘oval’ is square, right? Did they let the work experience kid lay out the rope today? Jesus..” It is square, but the work experience kid plays for Australia.

-

Mitchell still isn’t as quick as he has been.

Cook whips on from middle stump for 3, Mitchell makes a weird ‘ohhh’ with his lips.

UPDATE: Shane Watson is reading a paper.

Strauss takes one from off stump through square leg to the rope. I’ve seen priests who swing more than this.

-

Hilfy at the over end. A plumber and a bricky open the bowling for Australia in the Ashes, what a great day to be a tradie.

Cook clips one off his hip for 3. Ball holds up in the oufield, Katich saves it the crowd boo. Fair enough.

Hilfy is getting gentle swing, friendly swing, the sort of swing you’d take home to your mother.

Shit short one that Strauss hits for 2.

7/0

-

Mitchell to start, he looks relaxed, and he hugs Peter Siddle…

Strauss to face.

A slingy one on a shortish length outside off.

Third one swings, and Strauss gets a leading edge along the ground to cover.

First run to Strauss to fine leg.

Cook off the mark with a hook shot.

Pretty boring first over. Sign of things to come?

-

John just reminded me that I haven’t mentioned the pitch, they have shaved the grass off it, and England went in with 2 spinners, so you can assume it will spin.

-

There has been 23 anthems played.

The Welsh minister had a 10 minute chat to each player.

And kids are waiving flags, it is ashes time.

-

Australia has gone with the new guard in the bowling, I do like that, except for Hauritz ofcourse.

England are backing Freddie to be the third seamer.

-

For the promo on Freddie they have rap music, surely that was done to take the piss.

Monty in? Clark out???

I stole the teams from Cricninfo:

The Welsh Anthem was sung by a very breasty mcbreasty young lady.

Hauritz in.

Fuck off.

For last years Live coverage go here.