Tagged with nathan hauritz …

Jan 06 2010
aussies, pakistanis

Forget match fixing, Pakistan decide to choke instead

To the delight of all Pakistani fans they have realised their team is not a bunch of filthy money hungry assholes, but instead is just shit. Mercurial chokers rather than dirty match fixers.

Ofcourse not everyone thinks this, there were more than a few people on twitter saying that they thought it was matchfixingness rather than shitness.

But I thought this dude made a good joke:

“Quiz: Which ex-Pak Cricketer, Actor, Politician, Selectors, will be the first to accuse PAK of Match fixing !”

It wasn’t match fixing, it was test cricket,

Mohammad Yousuf’s captaincy was too obviously fucken horrendous to be match fixing.  Short of not having 11 men on the field, insisting everyone wear eye patches or injecting heroin into every player’s eyeball he could not have operated his team worse.

Another potential match fixing moment is the fact that Nathan Hauritz took 5 wickets, again.  Yet again he ran through the tail like dysentery and got top order wickets with luck which might look like match fixing, but could easily be described as tailenders losing their nut under pressure and op order batsmen trying to get on top of Hauritz. Plus Yousuf saw him as a such a danger he tried to kill him with a drive.

Then there was Kamran Akmal. How could his fumbly glovework every be confused with matchfixing. And a bit like Yousuf’s captaincy, if you are really match fixing you’d want to be a touch more subtle than dropping one man 3 times, and then not being able to catch the one tailender they cannot dismiss.

Lastly there was the little baby roller that was used, which doesn’t say match fixing, but does show that the leadership group of Pakistan know very little about what will help a pitch.

I hate that when Pakistan play shit match fixing is mentioned, it takes away their fans alien given right to call their team a huge bunch of choking nuff nuffs. It also ignores the brilliance of a choke like this, and is there a better sight in test match cricket than a team chasing a small total while hooking up their own autoerotic asphyxiation device.

The ridiculous fields, Kamran Akmal’s desperation seconds after dropping the ball (x4), Peter Siddle’s seemingly 2 foot wide bat, the attacking positive start, Hauritz’s thumb-crushing forearm catch, Kamran’s face when he realised he had fucked up his chance at redemption, the cautious middle, Umar’s hearts in the right place brain is up his ass swing, and the tail making struggling to keep out the spin demon at the end.

At one stage we saw a close up of Umar and straight after it Pakistani fans.  Oh the humanity.

It should also be mentioned that Australia played their asses off on the last day.

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Jan 02 2010
ICC

ICC starts using technology for good

I hate to start your new year with a bummer, but I have been told a terrible piece of information, and how could I keep it from you?

The ICC has had enough of cricketers.  Especially the ones we like, the ones with human emotions.

They thought that the Probot craze of the mid 2000s would catch on, but with their prize probot struggling, M Hussey, they now know a more aggressive approach is needed.

Which is why over the last few years they have been introducing Japanese Humanoid Robots into international cricket.

They are easy to spot, but hard to distinguish from probot cricketers, or shit cunts.

So far, I am told, only a few teams have them, but I haven’t been given a list of players who are in fact Japanese Humanoid Robots.

Ofcourse it would be rude of me not to take a guess at a rough list.

Nathan Hauritz – explains a lot really.  Why Australia kept forcing him in the side and why they picked a finger spinner out of club cricket.

Grant Elliott – explains why he looks like a Hollywood c-lister and came from another country.

Brendan Nash – The real Brendan Nash is probably back packing around Peru talking up that 90 odd against Victoria in a shield final. The Robo-Nash has “Team Nash” behind him; obviously this is a fake ICC MacGuffin.

There could be others as well.

The ICC now has cricket where they want it, on flat tracks with high scores, their priority is playing 2020 tournaments every 9 months, and 2020 is a circus in and of itself.

You might think that the Japanese Humanoid Robots that I have outed are a bit rubbish, but the ICC are working on better ones.

These potential early prototypes are programmed to follow every rule, regulation and law to the letter, and spirit of the law. They will never get upset, have no run ins, every umpiring decision will be accepted and when interviewed will behave in a proper way not upsetting any ICC administracrat or sponsor.

The next step is to make them good at the cricket lark, so they don’t look so obvious. Before long the ICC will have them all bowling the carrom ball at 90 miles and hitting sixes with the bat handle up their asses.

No contention, aggression or subversion, just lovely Japanese Humanoid Robots entertaining us with family friendly entertainment.

I can’t wait.  I say fuck the humans, get the Japanese Humanoid Robots in now, the cricket might be poor for a while, but once these robo-cricketers get their groove on they are going to be so much better than human cricketers.

Before we do, we should make sure the ICC representatives are replaced with, oh, never mind.

My book, the t-shirts, or donate.

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Dec 30 2009
aussies

Signs of a coming apocalypse

Nathan Hauritz taking a five wicket haul.

Well done little man, I doubt anyone who didn’t sire you believed you could do it.

And I include you in that.

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Dec 13 2009
aussies, windies

chris gayle insults himself

After seeing his team dragged through the mud by the Australian media only to then play very well, Chris Gayle has decided to start his own bad press.

But not even the Australian press could make a blow this low.

“At the moment when Hauritz is bowling to me, it’s like I’m bowling to myself.”

Settle down Chris, your bowling isn’t that bad.

Nathan’s life hasn’t really been beer and skittles for a while now.

He missed the Oval, got out bowled at Adelaide, and now it looks like he has to prove he really belongs by bowling on a wicket that isn’t generally set up for spinners.

But to get dissed by a part timer, that is harsh.

Especially one who takes his bowling as seriously as Gayle.

With all this going on even I feel sorry for Hauritz.

So for the whole Waca test I will try not to stick the boot in to Little Nathan any more.

It is the least I can do.

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Dec 05 2009
aussies, windies

Nathan to Brendan

Test cricket is defined by its greatest contests.

Larwood v Bradman.

Lillee v Richards.

Grace v lunch.

And now we have little Nathan v bashful Brendan.

A timidoff of epic preportions.

Fuck the lions, this is Christian v Christian.

They say the meek shall inherit the earth, and it seems Nathan and Brendan are trapped in an fierce death roll to see who is meeker.

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Nov 29 2009
aussies, windies

9 wickets

Johnson, Hilfenhaus and Siddle chipped in with 11 wickets in this test.

Knowing that fact alone, Australia should have lost.

But, and perhaps this has to do with the inept state of the opposition, Australia still won by an innings and change.

The other 9 wickets were picked up by Hauritz (5 wickets without having to do much work), Watson (3 who picked his up with filth and guile) and laughably Michael Hussey (1 charity).

These weren’t just tail end wickets, Hauritz cleaned up the tail in the first innings, but their wickets included the 3 top scorers for the Windies (Dowlin, Barath and Ramdin), and Bravo and Nash were also victims in the top order.

Gayle and Chanderpaul never managed to go out to this powerful threesome, but only because they never lasted that long, even though they used three referrals between them.

The Windies bowling impressed in this test, in their one chance, but their batsmen are still yet to arrive.

This test is sort of like you beating up your little brother after you’ve been beaten up by a kid your size, it feels good for a little while, but it doesn’t make you forget you got your ass kicked.

At least of the Windies little boys had some fight in him, bringing up a hundred on debut as a teenager while your team is 145 runs after following on.

Well done Adrian Barath, and great maternal work from Ramdin in dishing out the hug.

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Nov 24 2009
aussies

Australia gets doosra’d

Ed Cowan told twitter it came out of the footmarks and gave him wood.

Jimmy Maxwell said it hit a crack and was a work in progress.

Terry Jenner informed Australia it was chucking and against the law in his book.

And AGB questions if the selectors will pick someone who bowls it.

All of this because Australia’s off spinning back up, Jason Krezja, got one to go the other way.

About 12 people have seen this ball (it was during a shield game), but it has stirred up some emotion already.

Not be left behind, Nathan Hauritz has jumped on the doosra bandwagon, saying he has one, but he is afraid to use it. Strong words, Nathan.

Bryce McGain doesn’t have one, but he did take 7 wickets for 92 runs in his last first class game and I haven’t stopped smiling since.

Aaron O’Brien probably doesn’t have one, but no one knows who he is anyway.

Marcus North doesn’t care. He is a batsman.

This time last year I was writing about how you’d be better off trying to survive a zombie attack than trying to pick an aussie spinner.

Now there is little Nathan defying logic and common sense, Krezja has a mystery ball, McGain is fit, and O’Brien is taking wickets and making runs.

Four of the top ten wicket takers in first class cricket this year are spinners, last year at this stage there were none, and that doesn’t even count little Nathan, Cullen Bailey or Jon Holland.

Oh baby, Australia is spinning again, both ways.

Australia may not be the spinning wasteland it was, there are options, all rounders, wrist spinners, and now one of their spinners has dabbled in voodoo.

The selectors NSP are even going to use little Nathan at the gabbatoir, even if he doesn’t believe in his doosra yet.

It is like the Oval never happened.

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Nov 09 2009
aussies

the curse of nathan

Everytime Nathan Hauritz doesn’t get smashed, does better than people think, or bowls well in a one dayer, I get comments about it. Fair enough.

People ask when I am going to start liking him, when I will apologise, when will I give him the respect he so clearly deserves.

My problem with him has never been in the limited overs format, he has always been ok there. Mixes up his pace nicely, seems to get more drift, and doesn’t ball too many shit balls.

In his first 7 tests he has done well to average 32, but he has also had help as he has only played on wickets Australia expect to spin. His best haul is 3 wickets in an innings (Marcus North has a four wicket haul), and his best match figures are 6/158.

Hauritz is still yet to get a five wicket haul in first class cricket. Not one. He is 28. He has played over 50 games. No five wicket hauls.

And this is my problem.

Because others have.

Cullen Bailey has two.

Cullen Bailey | Australia Cricket | Cricket Players and Officials | Cricinfo.com_1257460451455

He also has a better first class bowling average than Nathan. Which is not that hard to do.

Nathan Hauritz | Australia Cricket | Cricket Players and Officials | Cricinfo.com_1257460473837

Bailey is 4 years younger, has played almost 30 fewer first class games, is a leg spinner, and was once a contracted Australian cricketer who played club cricket.

He hasn’t had a go at playing for Australia.

Hauritz has.

That isn’t Hauritz’s fault. And Hauritz is doing the best he can.

But that doesn’t mean I like it.

Until Nathan Hauritz takes five wicket hauls in competitive first class or above games, I can’t see how i will ever warm to him.

Or I could just be an asshole who has an irrational hatred of generic offspinners, either or.

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Oct 21 2009
champion's league, victorian bushrangers

Nathan Hauritz’s Revenge

It had to come eventually.

For  so long I have poured all kinds of shit on this little club offie.

He still survived.

He even took test wickets.

He cemented his place in the One Day side.

He even didn’t always look like a nervous wreck one six away from suicide.

Now his hate for me has made me so strong that he has taken down the one team i truly love, VIctoria.

That lickle fucker.

Two wickets in one over, and Victoria were dead.

He even took the piss by then bowling his second over for 12.

Nice touch.

I could see him on the bench mouthing “fuck you jrod” as Warner and Hughes smacked the Vics everywhere.

When he bowled Quiney with the arm ball you could his middle finger staring back at me on the screen, he knew i was watching, and he was making a statement.

Well played, Nathan.

You have won this time, but let’s see who gets the last laugh.

I just didn’t think the Victorian team would help Nathan get back at me.

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Oct 11 2009
ashes, victorian bushrangers

Jon Holland; the lusty woman’s Nathan Hauritz

I’m excited.

This has been a big weekend for Victorians.

Dirty Dirk took 4 for today and helped an IPL side actually win a game.

Victoria beat Delhi up in their first champion’s league match.

And Australia picked another Victorian for a tour.

It might have been some useless one-day series that no one will really care about, but I don’t care, another Victorian has been noticed.

A spinny Victorian, sure he bowls that poncey left arm spin crap, but he can bowl.

It is too early to tell if he is the real deal or not, he hasn’t played in more than 10 games in any format for Victoria yet.

But in Victoria’s one game he showed something. This was his first game in front of an international audience only hours after he was announced as an Australian squad member. He had every reason to fail.

Instead he bowled quite well against Dilshan and Kartik; two guys that should and could have smashed him everywhere.

Before yesterday he was probably going to India as a work experience cricketer, but he could now find himself slipped in to the side on the tracks that spin. Thanks to Lalit he is getting some great practice.

He is going to go the distance in this tournament eventually; he isn’t the Umar Gul of spin or anything.

Victoria rate him highly, and in only a short time he seems to have replaced Bryce McGain as the main 2020 spin option for them.

But what I liked best was how relaxed he looked. It took Nathan Hauritz 5 years at the top level to look as relaxed as Holland did the first time in front of a live studio audience.

All in all he raises my pulse more after watching him only three times than Hauritz has in his whole career, although they have one thing in common, neither has taken a 5 wicket haul in first class cricket.

I like him, it is still early days, but he was one of the two spinners I mentioned in my Australian spinners and zombies post along with Steven Smith, who has also bowled well in the league.

Australian spin may not be dead.

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