Tag Archives: nathan hauritz

Nathan’s broken face is just the beginning

It was bound to happen. It’s been brewing for some time now, and if it was going to happen to anyone, it was going to happen to Nathan.

Frankly, the way Cricket Australia has treated them, and encouraged others to treat them, it is amazing it has taken this long.

But now the truth lays bloodstained on the floor of a Hervey Bay pub.

Australian spinners are now victims of hate crimes.

Some will suggest that Nathan Hauritz getting punched is a one off thing, and the police and Cricket Australia will try and spin it that way, but it’s simply not true.

The Australian public turned against this section of society a while back, and with fear mongering from the Spinnerist media and fire starting by Cricket Australia it was clear that a mob mentality would turn this violent.

Hauritz was lucky to survive his attack, but it isn’t just him.

Xavier Deoherty was denied access to a pub in Devonport, when he asked why the security guy told him his sort weren’t welcome there.

Bryce McGain was spat on by an elderly woman in a café.

Beau Casson was given a wedgie by several mean high school bullies.

And Greg Matthews was pelted with eggs, although that might be unrelated.

Nathan Lyon has picked a very good time to be out of the country.

Young kids who bowl spin are already being disowned by their parents, or being told to do it in private.

Old coaching manuals are being burnt for having any mention of Spin.

There is even a conspiracy that Shane Warne’s new appearance has been done just so he can distance himself from his spinning past.

‘I hate spinners’ facebook groups are popping up every day and pouring more bile inducing vitriol onto these pour spinners.

Some are selling ‘bash a spinner’ bumper stickers.

One day we could remember Nathan Hauritz being whacked in the face as the moment when we had a choice, we can stand up for them now, or watch the mob rip all of them piece to piece.

Otherwise one day we could find ourselves saying, first they came for the right arm offspinner, and I did not speak out because I was not a right arm offspinner…

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Andrew Hilditch’s modified atari mind is excellent

An opinion I have is that Andrew Hilditch’s mind has been abducted and replaced with a modified Atari.

This modified atari brain reads the papers, follows Warne’s twitter feed and writes a name that Greg Chappell types into him.

My opinion has many so called pieces of evidence, but my favourites are the spinners like Beau Casson, Nathan Hauritz, and Michael Beer.

Beau Casson was picked even though a look at him when riding your unicycle as he drove past in a car would tell you he didn’t have the mental stength to place test cricket.

Nathan Hauritz was picked when the New South Wales selectors didn’t believe he was good enough for them. He was then dropped when he finally believed he was good enough (before an Ashes losing test), brought back to suceed (for him) and then was dropped for a poor left arm version of himself, and has now been brought back because every other spinner in the country seems to have had their go.

Michael Beer was picked because Warne said he was good, Hilditch had no idea where he was from or anything about him at all. I could get six blokes from any cricket club and put them in a line up with Michael Beer and he’d need two chances to pick him out of the line up.

Hilditch could be a real functioning human being who occasionally says something that makes no sense to back up his latest mistake. He may not even make mistakes, perhaps there are no mistakes, and everything is just part of a larger interrelationship matrix that keeps the world hurtling to some sort of a disappointing conclusion. See how opinions open things up. What is a mistake, can you make them, is Hilditch made of them, etc.

Today Hilditch has picked Hauritz, again, and said this, “his one-day record in India is excellent”.

Excellent is Hilditch’s opinion. Nothing more. The man was asked a question and came up with an answer. Excellent isn’t concrete, it’s just an adjective used to explain why Nathan Hauritz has been brought back randomly again.

Just like Hilditch can rubbish my opinion on him having a modified atari making his decisions (mistakes), I can rubbish his opinion of using the word excellent when discussing Hauritz’s Indian one day form.

In seven one dayers in India Hauritz has taken four wickets at 70. He has an economy of 4.56.

It’s not terrible, saying this is excellent is better than saying Andrew Hilditch’s recent selections have been excellent, it just isn’t excellent. It could be described as ok, mediocre, not bad, far from exciting or meh. Excellent is a ways away from all of these.

Peter English‘s opinion is “To call Hauritz’s India record “excellent” shows how little knowledge the chairman has of his subjects.”

Surely if Andrew Hilditch was a human who was in charge of selection he would know the players records well enough that if when asked he wouldn’t call a decidedly average record excellent.

So he must have a modified atari for a brain. It’s only an opinion, but it makes more sense than anything Hilditch has done in a long time, in my opinion.

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balls profile: nathan hauritz

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

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Nathan Hauritz must be banned from test cricket

During the last day’s play Nathan Hauritz committed cricket’s ultimate sin, chucking.

It was an obvious chuck as he tried desperately to get Australia back in the game.

The ball was the 15degree testing doosra.

The one cricket delivery that gets people bowling topless in Perth with white patches on their chest more than any other.

While some bowlers bowl this ball in such a way that it defeats the batsman, Hauritz’s versions just sort of limped down the wicket and it looked like Sachin knew he was bowling it before he did.

I noticed the doosra before the ball landed, I noticed it because Hauritz clearly changed his action and threw the ball.

Next to me was the bear from test match sofa, who also called the chuck, and then the doosra.  On twitter it seemed that only a handful of people mentioned it.  Google news also has no news of it.

Somehow this doosra has been lost while the media talked about Shane Warne and Ricky Ponting fighting over Hauritz’s stupid field placements.

This could be a conspiracy to cover up a doosra, or just star power overshadowing what to some people might be a fairly uneventful moment in cricket.

This is eventful, majorly eventful.  An Australian is bowling a delivery that Australian’s believe is a chuck.

He is also bowling it in a way that makes it look even more like a chuck that it usually does.

So there is only one thing to do, Cricket Australia must take Nathan Hauritz out of test cricket.

No testing, no remodelling of actions, no ban on bowling a doosra, Australia needs to get old school on this.

They need to treat Hauritz the same way two Victorians were once treated, by taking them out of cricket straight away without any sort of fair hearing.

The Meckiff/Corbett rule should be used so that all we have is some backroom whispers and then lack of Hauritz name on the team sheet.

It should happen just that quick and quietly, like a 1950s hit.

As Australians we take chucking very seriously, and if this means getting rid of our first choice spinner, well that is just the decision we will have to make to keep our integrity.

Sorry, Nathan, but you must go for the greater good.  As much as it pains me.

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The Jesus XI

Happy Jesus on a stick day. A day that is all about honouring someone who died so that we can all be perverts and animals, but you can’t eat steak, in case some is made of him.

In honour of Jesus dying I’ve compiled an XI of players who died, and were then reborn, or you know, other Christian type shit. Jesus, as we all know, was a wicket keeper.

S Katich – Found himself in a cricket career cave due to some horrific test form, but then his God, Bob Simpson, helped him, and thankfully we now have Katich shuttling around the crease for days on end.

M Sinclair – Impossible as it is to enjoy the way he plays, Sinclair is the one cricketer most likely to survive Sodom and Gomorrah. When the Kiwis are having a selectorial apocalypse, it is Sinclair they turn to. He will always live with us.

I Bell – If Bell truly was the son of God, Christianity would have died out by now. Instead Bell seems ordained by some higher power, perhaps Murdoch, to play the number 3 position for England. He coveted it while he had to wait out Pestilence (Shah), War (Bopara) and Famine (Trott) but he found his way back to number three.

M Hussey – Has never left heavenly earth, but what exactly was he doing between the age of 12 and 30.

K Pietersen – An outcast with his old religion he became the father, son and holy bail of a new one. It still hasn’t been smooth sailing, but he no longer has to bowl off spin, so that is good.

K Akmal – Crucified on the pitch for one of the most heretical displays of wicket keeping ever written about. But he will be back, you can’t keep a Pakistani cricketer away for too long. Even if he comes back as a kolpak.

A Flintoffas was written.

N Hauritz – Outbowled by M Clarke and then shunned by his country, his state, and his knew state. One day four wise men decided to pick him up from the gutter he found himself in, and bugger me if he hasn’t stayed around since then.

S Bond – Needed to go on a spiritual adventure to India so that one day he could come back to New Zealand and tell them he was available for white ball games and then continued his spiritual adventure in India.

A Mendis – The man is full of mystery, but once you work it out, it is all kind of simple and you don’t really care anymore.

A Nehra – From a world cup final to the great abyss, but thanks to Lalit K, Nehra has been brought back so that we can all pray at his long limbs and permanent angry face.

J Patel (12th) – Is so good at being 12th man I couldn’t see why he wouldn’t do it for Jesus.

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The apocalpyse

This was originally on cricinfo, but, even without swearing and perversions, I really liked it. for some reason I forgot to put it up before.

If the apocalypse were to come tomorrow, most of us would be dead. But if Hollywood has taught us anything it is that people always survive. While Kallis, Ponting and Dhoni wouldn’t make it, there would be cricketers who would. And it isn’t always the most popular or talented who survive the end times.

Nathan Hauritz cannot be killed by bombs or global pandemics. This is a man who couldn’t get picked for his state side, averaged over 50 with the ball in first-class cricket, and now averages 30 in Test cricket. There are no weapons that can keep him down. After the apocalypse he would just roam the earth with that sweet little boyish face of his.

Ashish Nehra went through a career apocalypse, but he is back. I wouldn’t bet on him struggling to survive a worldwide nuclear war. He’d still have that look on his face too, the one that makes you wonder if he has any joy in his life. He’d be in a group that lives in Euro Disney; his role would be of the angry one who doesn’t trust anyone, but he’d be rubbish at catching food.

Kumar Sangakkara would make it through. Then, after an appropriate period, he would take over the world. Artists would carve images of him, people would refer to him as King Kumar, and he would be a fair and just leader. His leadership does have problems, but his suaveness and massive intellect mean he would run the world for at least six years. Until he wants to relax and travel.

Ian Bell can never be killed. Regardless of an apocalypse he is going to be around forever. Still looking good and not making runs. In a dystopian wasteland he’d still manage to find his way into a well-stocked mansion, with others doing the work to make up for him. Even when the whole group dies of food poisoning, Bell survives. He is like a mythical creature that way.

Brendan Nash would not only survive an apocalypse, he’d prosper. Once the world had settled, Nash would move to a new location and just tell them he was always one of them. There would be hostility towards him at first, and mild curiosity, but eventually in this new and desperate land he would come in handy and people would even start to love having him around.

Paul Harris would survive. He might mutate a bit, but like a cockroach or a tax officer he cannot be eradicated. Harris will quickly improvise and become an expert scavenger and sell his goods at a reasonable price, considering the location he lives in.

The New Zealand cricket team would remain okay. They would be watching Eagle v Shark in Chris Martin’s basement when the flesh-eating disease spreads rapidly across the planet, killing everyone. Upon exiting the basement they would have some good times and some bad times, but basically they’d just survive. Even though 90% of the world’s population is dead, their crowd numbers in Test matches stay the same.

Rahul Dravid would never even notice the apocalypse. When the aliens came to kill everyone on the planet with their sonic weapons, he was batting. As we know, when Rahul is batting, nothing can stir him. Even two years after the apocalypse he is still out there, marking his guard, trying to get the sight screen to be moved and planning for what field the captain will set for the next ball.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

We would also accept some tasteful garden furniture.

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Little Nathan strikes again

“Oh, he is so cute and loveable; I just wanna take him home to my mum so we can double team him”.

I know that is what you think about little Nathan Hauritz.  But behind that puppy dog exterior is a cold-hearted assassin.  One who will kill anyone to get where he wants.  An aspirational career driven sociopath.

Not only has he led many a batsman to their untimely and embarrassing end, he is also taking out Australian spinners one at a time.

First was beautiful Beau Casson, who was too young to die, but Hauritz took him out during a shield game, but made it look like suicide.  He placed sweets down on a trail that led Beau got to the edge of a cliff and Nathan ran up behind him in a Mr Squiggle mask and said boo.

Then Bryce McGain was taken out when Hauritz bribed Kallis with 7 pigs he killed with his owns hands.  When that wasn’t enough Hauritz showed Kallis and Prince this website, but most importantly the parts about Prince, Kallis and Bryce, to prove that I don’t exist and Bryce writes this site.

And now, Jason Krejza is gone.

It was probably the most horrendous of all Nathan’s crimes, as he did it with help of a whole team of suicidal Pakistani batsmen, and the Tasmanian brain’s trust.

It was disgusting, and when Nathan was finished all that was left was a puddle of blood, excrement and organs, with a newspaper clipping that was mostly unreadable except for the number 12.

Sorry to burst your bubble, people, but little Nathan is an angel of death.

One by one he is taking these spinners out.  Right under our noses.  Yet no one is doing anything about it.

Someone must stop him, otherwise Steven Smith will take a bite of some weird tasting vegemite sandwiches any day now.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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showman shahid the crazy uncle

Australia is showing again what a surprisingly good one-day outfit they are.

Ryan Harris has barged his way into world cricket, but to be fair, he looks like he would barge his way into a swimming pool. Clint McKay either gets wickets or goes for no runs, not the worst habit to get into. Cam White is obviously pretending he is captaining the side. And Nathan Hauritz is giving up bowling for batting.

The series was dead at game two, and today’s game meant nothing at all. Pakistan played like it.

Their collapse was not unique and not unexpected.

Lose early wickets, pseudo consolidate for a while and then collapse for good.

It was not interesting or fun.

Then Shahid came in.

His first two balls brought about two wild slogs. Nothing pretty, but both went for four through fortune.

Then he tried to end Little Nathan’s gene pool.

After that was an attack on Clint McKay that eventually had him caught wildly slogging across the line.

He only lasted 10 balls, he scored 29 runs.

It wasn’t a great innings; it wasn’t even a good innings.

It was an innings that could only be compared to a black man taking LSD, pouring bourbon on his head, singing fuck the police and running naked through a Klu Klux Klan meeting that was mid way through lynching a bunch of his friends.

It was, for all 3 overs of it, something to grab your attention in a very dull game.

Like I have said before, Afridi either gives his fans a lift or his haters something to bag him about.

Today he did both.

I love him, I really do. I never had a truly mental relative, and Shahid is the crazy uncle I always wanted.

Imagine him in the corner at a family party, setting alight the napkins while denouncing his brother, the local butcher, as a CIA operative.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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more birthday shit

Ceci, of Mel & Ceci, made me this present for my birthday.

It is very wrong.

Happy birthday to @cwbfeed - just for you - Natalie P & crick... on Twitpic

Especially it looks so right…

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the heroes of sydney

Mike Hussey:

Who I thought (and still do) should have been dropped sometime during his great drought.

But did get dropped more times than Bobby Brown.

Still, even with all that fumbling behind him, he held firm and was the man when it mattered.

Nathan Hauritz:

I once considered going back in time to break his arms as a child.

Got some lucky wickets, one that almost cost him his thumb, and got some tail enders.

His second five wicket haul on the trot. Lucky or not, that is impressive, and I salute anyone who can do that in test cricket in this day and age.

Shane Watson:

Said he shouldn’t open the batting.

He still shouldn’t be opening the batting, but only because he now gets wickets.

I’ve checked this, and 97 is only three runs short of a hundred, and 3 runs would not have made a difference to this game.

The SCG pitch:

Over the years the MCG pitch has been bagged, quite rightly, but the SCG has got awway with pitches that blind many looking for their cat could score double hundreds on it.

Pakistan might have made this a better pitch by batting on it like it was a forgotten minefield.

Hard to bat on the first day, easier on the second and third, and produces a tight result on the fourth, drop this pitch in every ground in the world.

And finally, Kamran:

Over the years I have bagged Kamran about his appearance but said he is a classy player.

This test might have moved me to the other side.

His three drops were as bad as I have seen from a test match keeper.

And the worst bit was that it looked like the pressure got to him even at the stage when there was no reason for that to be the case.

He was the true hero of Sydney, just not for his side, and he was the only one before this test i would have stood up for.

Not anymore.

It is my birthday today, so buy my book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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