Tagged with natalie portman …

May 30 2009
the year of the balls

the 10 reasons to buy my book

1.    Every book you buy is a slap in the face of Ricky, Lalit, Sourav, and South Africans.

2.    Sehwag commands you.

3.    Where else are you going to get a book with Jacques Kallis having sex and a complete list of world cricket blogs.

4.    If I don’t sell many copies I will have to get a real journalist type job and write for cricinfo.

5.    I have a list for all the people who have told me they have bought it, but haven’t, and I’ll be coming around your house with a machete.

6.    You’d buy me a beer if you met me, so buy my book.

7.    Dirty Dirk & Nice Bryce’s literary debut.

8.    If my book fails, I’ll be so broke I’ll have to start ghost writing for Tony Grieg.

9.    Being successful will take me one step closer to Natalie Portman.

10.    To stop me talking about it.

Tagged ,
May 26 2009
the year of the balls

Leela talks about the ladies

Leela has put her entry in. Will she win the book?

Jrod once wrote:

Fourthy, the lady and pink market.

Don’t for one minute think ladies are not an important part of the cricket
blogosphere.

This site has 25% of it’s hits from ladies.

That quite obviously prompted Cricinfo to start a “Page 2” for this IPL season, which included this.

Clearly what is worse than women playing/watching cricket??

Well women writing about it!

What an evil, evil man.

P.S Can I still say, this is my fav Jrod blog?

Tagged ,
May 23 2009
general balls, the year of the balls

Ceci’s entry

Ceci, of Mel & Ceci, didn’t want to show how I was ruining cricket, so she has shown us how I am ruining Natalie Portman. If you can send a picture, or write in 200 words or less on how cricket with balls is ruining cricket, you go into the running to win one of 3 signed copies of my book.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Tagged ,
Feb 04 2009
general balls

latest wacky google search

Had some interesting ones of late.

“cricket with balls sex with evil aliens and natalie portman”

I know someone put this in just so i would mention it, but I just can’t not mention it.

“alan border medal crumpet”

Jessica Bratich?

“find fuckers in hyderabbad”

Nice.

“graeme smith homosexual picture”

But he is not a fucktard.

“why pakistan is mother fucker”

A lahore badass fan?

Tagged ,
Jan 24 2009
general balls

Wanna draw for the balls

If there is anyone out there that can draw, and would like to donate a free drawing for the balls, we could use your help.

We are looking for a very special drawing involving natalie portman and cricket.

So if you can help out, please email us at cwb@cricketwithballs.com

cheers

www.cricketwithballs.com… We are that type of boot
Tagged
Jan 12 2009
poms

The candidates

England need a new coach.

There are already a few names out there.

So I have put them into list form, and done some valuations on them.

Mickey Arthur, for someone who is coaching the second best team in world cricket, his name sure does get mentioned a lot with other jobs.

Plusses, knows how to deal with big egos and South Africans (is that redundant), has a pretty good record as coach, and doesn’t lose captains as much as Moores did.

Minuses, what sort of person leaves the 1st/2nd best team in the world for a team that just sacked its coach and forced its captain to resign.

Darren Lehmann, has put his own name up, but has coached South Australia, academies, and about to take over the Deccan Chargers.

Plusses, people love Boof, would take much longer for the fans to turn on him, has a brilliant cricket mind and wont get caught up in clipboards.

Minuses, doesn’t have the best record with minorities, and was sacked by SA as a player for helping keep Cosgrove fat.

Shane Warne, as if.

Graham Ford, he knew KP back then, and has just managed to get Kent into a new division.

Plusses, is quiet, KP will like him, seems like a good match for Strauss, may get Key and Denly into the team.

Minuses, if England lose to Bangladesh, everyone will be checking his phone records, and Kent’s new division was division 2.

Tom Moody, is thought by some, me, to be the best cricket coach in the world.

Plusses, has international experience as a player and coach, did great work with Sri Lanka and Australia wanted him but couldn’t get him.

Minuses, Massive Christian head, wants to be paid a kabilion dollars, and West Australia are a rabble this year.

Greg Chappell, surely has been added only for comedic value.

Plusses, THERE ARE NO PLUSSES; actually he may be able to get those Greg Chappell hats cheaper.

Minuses, Couldn’t coach South Australia, Couldn’t’ coach India, and since he has been around the Australian team they have gotten shit.

Jrod, is a less publicised applicant, but wants the job, and has a few revolutionary tactics up his sleeve that would be wasted in club cricket.

Plusses, free press exposure, support of international blogging community, is Australian, and is getting to understand the Tube.

Minuses, lazy, angry, may pick Eyelids Pattinson regularly, will pick Rob Key just so they can eat pies together, would demand payment in Natalie Portman’s used Underwear.

The choice is obvious.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged
Jan 09 2009
general balls

Jesse’s hangover has bad consequences, for humanity

I don’t know what to do about Jesse Ryder.

On one hand (get it) I want him to pull his head in so I can watch him play cricket.

At the same time I don’t want him to become a corporate clown like the rest of them.

He is a chunk of bacon on the ham pizza we call the world cricket scene.

And I like bacon.

As does Jesse I reckon.

This latest suspension through alcohol related problems does come a little close to the whole punchy/grabby don’t you know who I am incident.

But the real pain of the situation is that New Zealand has picked Mathew Sinclair to replace him.

Which is like replacing Natalie Portman with Tori Spelling.

OK it’s not, its like replacing Kate Winslet with Lisa Kudrow.

So not only does the world miss out on Jesse, we get Sinclair back.

I thought Sinclair was dead, I am sure I remember a fan going onto the pitch and stabbing him to death with a plastic beer cup, either that or I had a fucked up dream.

Any man with two double tons and an average of 32 deserves that.

I think any time Sinclair plays the world weeps a little.

And rightly so, he is proper annoying.

Now he gets another chance, and Jesse has to take stock of his life.

Jesse has now admitted he has a drinking problem.

I am not so sure.

He has a problem punching glass, abusing people and getting up in the morning.

If he can control all these, I think the drinking can continue.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged
Dec 31 2008
general balls

The Neil award

That Michael Hussey really cracks me up.

Ok we are in the final stretch now.

The Slug Jordan Award
Best performance by a non test playing Victorian

Shane Warne
Bryce McGain
Dirk Nannes

The winner goes to Dirty Dirk Nannes, because I just wanted to award him something.

The Sehwagology award

Virender Sehwag

The Neil

This is the special one people. This is for the player who has made the most impact on cricket whilst not playing.

The Nominees are:

Matthew Hayden, his bad form and India bating were everywhere in the media, he even cooked on the TV, but then he upped the ante by actually calling India 3rd World.

Harbhajan Singh, performed much better on Indian chat shows talking about how he beat Australia, than he did in Australia with the ball, called a man a monkey, slapped a team mate and generally was a major ass clown.

Mohammed Asif, did virtually nothing on the field, but was outstanding off the field, with more drugs than Pablo Escabar.

Shoaib Ahktar, for just being Shoaib Ahktar.

And the winner is…………

Bhaji.

No one has deserved the Neil more than Bhaji,

That is all from me, Vincent Price star of the House of Usher, but Jrod would like to say some crap.

Thank you to everyone who has read, linked, commented, spread the word, wrote about, or anything else for the balls this year.

Special thanks to:

©hinaman for the website maintenance.

Sportsfreak for the yoda like advice.

D Charlton for something.

Natalie Portman for inspiration.

Bryce for the Interview.

Dirty Dirk for, you know what big boy.

Sime and Big Daddy for precious little.

Miriam for the writing and literally everything else.

And to take us out tonight, we have asked Richie to give us a review of the night.

You heard him, piss off.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged ,
Dec 23 2008
kiwis

How to win a one day style chase in a test match, by Daniel Vettori

I was excited last night, and there was no Natalie Portman film on TV, it was a natural high from Chris Gayle’s Vista and a very well set up last day chase for the kiwis.

Fuck, I even recorded it.

A New Zealand West Indies match recorded, that is huge.

And I wake up to shit.

Absolute shit.

McIntosh, How and Flynn.

Now I am on the record as a Flynn fan, I think How has a defensive shot that could turn on a born again christian and I have nothing against Mark Richardson mark III, but why would those be the first three men you send out in this sort of a chase.

McCullum, Taylor, Ryder.

That is where the money is printed.

McCullum and Ryder made England look like a charity job opening up together.

Taylor is the marquee player.

These are the run a ball men, the ones you want in early when your side has a chase like this.

How, McIntosh and Flynn are the three you want coming in if the IPL millionaires and the chubby drinker give it away.

Not the other way around.

Dan, you had the chance to win the series in two sessions, and you sent out 3 men that couldn’t deliver that for you.

What sort of fucked up thinking is that?

And don’t give me that How & Flynn scored quicker than Ryder.

It took 17 overs to get to 2/62, does anyone in the world believe McCullum & Ryder would have let that happen?

That is almost a third of the chase, and it was squandered.

Someone get Vettori contact lenses, because his glasses are giving the rest of us false expectations.

Enjoy 8th spot.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged , ,
Dec 20 2008
general balls

tim carves his name in tree, IOB knocks it down

Who is Tim McIntosh

He is not Aaron Redmond.

Nor is he Mark Richardson.

He is his own man.

And against the Windies, he is hard to get out.

His test average is impressive.

Better than yours.

Like lots of Kiwi openers he stays at the crease for a long time without scoring, but he does seem to have the ability to score.

Now it could be the case of a guy who is in the form of his life playing a pretty ordinary attack.

Or he could be to New Zealand Cricket what Jesus was to Christians, or Natalie Portman was to the Professional.

I am glad, ofcourse, that I didn’t see the innings.

Because I may killed myself by ingesting the packets you get in new shoe boxes.

Iain O’Brien would never make me kill myself.

6 wickets.

I bet he wouldn’t trade that in for the perfect pair of jeans.

Brett Lee has never taken 6 wickets in an innings.

And he has no idea what the perfect pair of jeans are.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged , ,
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