So when he comes on to bowl cricket statisticians orgasm, commentators chuckle and real cricket sadists find another years to fall in love.

If there was anyone in world cricket who didn’t want KP to go out to Dhoni, other than KP himself, they should be beaten.

Dhoni getting the wicket of KP is the sort of thing that adds to his legend.

In 12 years time you’re in a bar in Oslo (while some might know that I wrote Oslo before the fucked up shit happened, others may not. So I’m not changing this post, because fuck you you fucking terrorist cuntwad skull fucking cuntoxs, Oslo would be a cool place for the following story to happen in, who doesn’t want to get laid or drink booze with a crickety friend in Oslo. Stick that up your ass terrorists, I know the sole aim of your attack was to make me look like a fuckwit, but you lose), and some guy buys you a beer, you find out he’s a cricket fan and you can bond over Dhoni getting KP out.

You could have a lover in Oslo, or a drinking partner, and it’s all about Dhoni getting KP.

Cricket doesn’t win by KP staying in, thrusting his groin oddly down the wicket, it wins with a wicket keeping world cup winning captain getting out someone like KP.

That’s why DRS sucks.

But this isn’t just DRS’ fault, because cricket hasn’t got the laws right.

If there is a chance that something really cool could happen, it should.

Forget about hotspot, massage the laws however you need to, but the world is a better place when Dhoni gets KP out, and the laws need to help this.

Sure, it’s a tough law to police, but cricket needs it.

We can call it the Dhoni law, which means it’s slightly broader than it needs to be.

At Christmas, Easter, Mother’s day, Father’s day, Football games, Birthdays or any other reason more than one of us was in the room together the talk would turn to cricket.

It was all passionately discussed, and by passionate I mean loud, and often (at least when myself and big daddy were involved) sweary.

If you wanted to win any cricket argument you had to be louder and more cock sure of yourself than at least one other Kimber, maybe two, and that is never easy.

My uncle Gary was a large, loud, sarcastic shit, a great uncle, but arguing with him was like wresting with an eel.  It didn’t matter how good you were, you could never find good place to grab, as he was so slippery.

Even though I never saw him play (well, was never old enough to remember) through all the stories over the year I feel like I was there watching them all.

The day he threw the bat (which weighed over 3 pounds) about 70 metres after a dismissal.  His running of a single as the ball was thrown over the head of the bowler when it was being returned to him.  How he, my dad and my other uncle ran Campbellfield Cricket Club.  And his work at leg slip.

Gary would talk about leg slip like it was the one position in cricket that could save us all.  Talk of the catches he took there went beyond mere legend; they became part of the Kimber DNA.  Should one of the non-cricket fan Kimbers find themselves one day in the leg slip position in a backyard game of cricket, they shall instantly just feel like they are in the right spot, and stay there waiting for the one that comes fast off the face of the bat.

Part of the allure of all of this leg slip talk was because when I grew up, the position would hardly be used in cricket.  I can’t think of a match when a leg slip was used unless there were just 5 fielders around the bat for a spinner and one of them happened to be a leg slip.

While that is still a leg slip, it is more about pressure than leg slip position.  Get as many fielders around the batsman as you can and hope he freaks out.

Now I see the leg slip coming back, slowly, but it is there.  Peter Siddle has bowled with one more than a few times.  Andre Nel used one with Surrey in the first game this year.  But my favourite was in the semi final of the IPL.

Yes it was too a spinner, Murali from memory, but being that it was in the latter stages of the semi final, there wasn’t 5 guys around the bat, just two, a slip, and a leg slip.

It just looked so good to me.  The leg slip just standing there as an attacking position, trying to catch the batsmen behind his back.  The ninja fielding position.

At the time I was commentating on test match sofa and I could barely contain my excitement at this event.  Unfortunately, like often happens in T20 cricket, something else grabbed my attention.

There was an emotional pull in seeing it.  At the time I couldn’t even think why I liked it so much, but over the next few days it all came back, the chats, the arguments, the yelling, and the lionisation of leg slip.

That leg slip meant something to me, and it was way more than just a reaction to great captaincy from Dhoni.

I could see my uncle smiling somewhere without even knowing why.  The smug bastard.

Long live the leg slip.

India had dug their own grave.

England destroyer Jerome Taylor coming in.

Dhoni hits him for six, and almost yawns.

Then he waddles a 2, takes a single, and has a nap at the non strikers as Yusuf wins the game.

It should have been an exciting match, but with dhoni there it seemed like a sunday stroll to get an ice cream.

This is such a stupid fucking series though.

It took Dhoni’s waddle to victory to get me to speak about it.

There are probably a few reasons for the loss; the fact that India have played two opponents that required of them only their presence.

Finally they get to the real part of the tournament and they play a team that has had to fight just to stay in it.

The bigger reason seems to be that Dhoni had a shocker.

I’m a fan of his captaincy, and his waddle, but India losing seemed to be directly related to his batting position and they way he batted.

Dhoni coming it at 5 was my favourite bit.

When it is 1/59 in 7 overs against Bangladesh, and Dhoni comes in at 3.

Also at 1/77 against Ireland he is happy to waddle himself to the middle.

But at 1/12 against the Windies, he is nowhere to be seen.

HE didn’t come in until there were 3 wickets down, little Raina was sent in at number 3 for the first time in the tournament.

In the IPL I noticed that he comes in when things are going good, or when winning runs are there to be hit.

Something to keep an eye on.

Ofcourse when Dhoni got in, he did sweet fuck all, 11 off 23, so maybe he still went in too early.

This is all good ofcourse, as it gives the India media a real reason to bag Dhoni, not a manufactured one.

India are one loss away from being out of the tournament.

What a wonerfully well organised tournament this is.

Porn star: MS Dhoni

Most IPL fans probably only know MS Dhoni is in the team, everyone else is irrelevant. The most in form one-day batsman on the planet, and will want this title. Is the main man in this team in every way, and will get the press whether he performs or not.

Pole dancer: Suresh Raina

Was in devastating form last season, and now has more experience at the top level. There is nothing of him, but he still hits the ball very hard. Every chance he will take the IPL apart this year.

Boy next door: Napoleon Einstein

May not even play but is a cult figure already.

Model: Freddie Flintoff

Very well suited to playing 2020 cricket, but is recovering from injury, with an eye on the ashes, and around for about a fortnight, Hardly worth it. Might sell some shirts back home.

Home Made/Amateur: MS Gony.

Hard working quick, can really bowl and has a great back-story.

So the Indians will be boarding their jumbo about now, and for the final piece of excitement will be undergoing a take-off into a Wellington gale. Their fans will be cleaning their whiteboards in preparation for more normal use, and the rest of us look back on our brief time in the same playground as the big boys.

Obviously, there was going to be a lot of hype surrounding this tour; after all the test batting line-up boasted something like 107 test centuries before the series started, and constantly added to that over the last 3 weeks.

And we got to see first hand the likes of Tendulkar and Dravid for the last time, and Dhoni and Ishant for the first time, and were able to notice the difference in attitude and swagger between the two.

So we look at some of the theories that were floated before and during the series and see if they are fact or some hybrid of Indian Myth and Lord of the Rings special effects.

Tests in NZ in April do not work
Myth actually.

People will point to the fact that the April test ended with rain, but that only kicked in with 3 hours left in the match; that’s not bad for New Zealand. April, comparatively, is reasonably reliable.

And the tests were certainly less affected than the ODIs in February/ March.

Light was clearly an issue after the daylight saving change, but that was more of a management issue.

Dhoni is an attacking captain
Well some of his bowling changes are inspirational, and no more so than bringing Tendulkar on during the last day at the Basin.

But that declaration in the same test can always be held up as the perfect example that he can be as cautious as a shell-shocked Ponting.

He lets Harbhajan talk him into defensive field placings too.

Ryder is too fat for test cricket
Ha ha. Myth. A big fat myth too Adam.

He does have a weakness against top quality spin early on, but he’ll sort that out soon.

Yuvraj is rubbish outside of the Sub-continent
Absolute fact.

He was miserable here, apart from a couple of meagre cameos with the pressure off.

And remember this was on placid pitches against an ordinary attack.

Ishant Sharma is the Real Deal and the Final Product
Not yet he’s not. Despite what last year promised.

He had one good spell in Hamilton, and then roughed up Vettori at the Basin.

But in between times he looked more sulky than anything else. He perfected the act of hiding in the outfield in Napier when things got tricky, and he certainly didn’t seem to take to the Wellington wind.

Totally outplayed by the underrated Zaheer all series.

McCullum isn’t the batsman he was a year ago
Myth.

That was probably his most consistent series as a test batsman. A shocking dismissal in the first innings in Hamilton was followed by composed knocks afterwards. His maturity in batting with O’Brien in the second innings of that match was class, and he held his head well in Napier.

At the Basin he got stuck with O’Brien again, and was sawn off in the second innings. Will probably be tried at #6 in the near future, which is about the only spot in the order where he has not been used yet.

Superb keeping too.

Taylor needs time to adjust from ODIs to tests.
Fact. Fact. Fact. Contrast the push across the line on the first morning in Hamilton with the 2nd innings resistance at the Basin.

Imagine what he could do in a 5 test series.

Harbhajan is a wind-up artist
True. And a very good one at that.

He didn’t get under the skin of the New Zealanders like he did with the Australians last year, but he sure wound the commentators up.

Note how he does well in the questionable umpiring decision stakes too. Not a coincidence.

Sehwag plays all forms of the game in exactly the same way
Myth. He bats for longer in T20s and ODIs.

Vettori is not the test bowler he used to be
Fact. And a pretty old fact at that.

If you want proof, get a video of him bowling on the 4th morning in the Basin, and then watch Tendulkar bowl 24 hours later.

It’s toe-curling stuff, and it’s even worse to hear certain radio commentators air the myth that he is a world-class spinner.

The World will miss Tendulkar
Fact.

Sad but true.

“Me playing or not playing, the team is not too bothered about it, it doesn’t have a big impact on the team.”

MS Dhoni

You have to admire the humble nature of the man.

If I was Dhoni my statement would be, “Sehwag, Sachin and VVS are rubbish without me, India you better bow the fuck down everytime you see me”.

Unlike my statement, Dhoni’s is rubbish.

India are flaccid without him.

Lost to Sri Lanka when he was ‘resting’.

Couldn’t beat Australia when he didn’t captain.

And now have drawn against New Zealand after smashing them the game before.

He is more than one man, he is the winning mojo.

Look at yesterday’s cricket, or any available scorecard.

He came in at 5 for 180, and made a 50, got the momentum back, and put India into a handy poisiton.

It’s not a great position, but without him it it would be alot uglier.

The kiwis should be happy that this looks like it might be a result test.

Although with Dhoni around, perhaps not the result they wanted.

MS Dhoni is out, a back problem.

Did anyone know this was even a possibility.

I was reading waffle about Craig McMillan booth work.

Fungus on the pitch.

Sachin’s off drives.

Flynn’s hand and How’s record.

Kyle Mills saying he wasn’t up to it.

But where were the stories about Dhoni and a back complaint that could leave him out of  the side?

It matters not now, Our Prophet, Our God, Our spiritual Guide is in charge.

And now, even more so than before, India cannot lose.

Praise be to the Leader of Sehwagology, your Sehwagologists are on your side.

How you gonna beat God, son?

Should you have at any time just taken a risk and put in 4 or 5 slips?

Surely having the team 6 down for 60 was enough reason to over attack, and not have two slips, a gully and a third man.

There is no doubt Vettori and Ryder played very well, but they didn’t blast India out of the game.

There was no big hitting from Ryder.

Vettori was classic Vettori, scratch, grafty, uncomprimising, but ultimatley effective.

It was a brillaint captain’s knock, you could argue it was the best moment of dan’s career.

But Dhoni did let the game drift.

I tend to judge Dhoni harsher than i would a normal captain, because in his short time in charge he was been innovative and clever.

During the whole Ryder/Vettori partnership I felt Dhoni just backed his bowlers, which is good, but had no real plan B.

Who knows how important that partnership will be, but I felt India and Dhoni could have done more.

They had their spiffy new uniforms, and were rightly confident.

Their batsman played like Princes in silk threads.

And India lost.

Both games.

MS can be praised for squeezing orange juice out of a lemon, but he only has so many party tricks.

Bhajji, Raina and Yuvraj have all put in good efforts.

And it’s not as if India are getting smashed, its just that they have lost two on the trot, and no one really expected that.

Not too New Zealand.

Not now.

Dhoni and Kirsten are pragmatic figthing men.

They will see the bad signs, and they will fix them.

Losing 2020 matches at the beginning of a series isn’t devestating.

But they’d probably prefer to not lose.

Especially Dhoni, and Nike.

Double especially Nike, if I was Dhoni I’d blame the uniforms, just for shits and giggles.