Tagged with monty …

Sep 29 2009
poms

Monty’s cricket madness

where did my international career go?I just bought this DVD for 2 quid.

I don’t mind paying extra for quality.

There is a chance that I will never watch it, I often by novelty shit that makes me laugh without ever using them. I once bought a Courtney Love CD because the Liner notes were the funniest, stupidiest, vaniest I had ever seen. She actually compared herself to John Lennon.

In my collection is also a copy of the Six & Out EP performed by Brett & Shane Lee, Gavin Robertson, Brad McNamara and Richard Chee Quee. I’ve never actually listened to the whole EP.

Monty’s cricket madness could stay on the shelf for the same reason.

I have read the synopsis on the back though, and that is interesting.

He’s the most interesting thing to breeze into British Cricket for years.

No. Not even a little bit.

The sultan of spin, the wizard of wrist, the man who Sikhs and destroys, Monty Panesar is one of the world’s finest bowlers and knows a classic gaffe when he sees one.

Warne is the sultan of spin, Monty does not bowl wrist spin, and did you really have to go with Sikh and destroy, that actually hurts me to read it.

Join Monty and the great and good of cricket, including Phil Tufnell, Henry Blofeld, Angus Fraser and many more, as he delivers a perfectly-pitched selection of mistakes, mishaps and all-round cricketeting madness.

Still waiting for the greats…

Each hilarious clip has been specially selected by the Barmy Army, England’s loyal followers who have taken Monty to their hearts.

They might have taken him to their hearts, but he still gets treated like some odd pet rather than a cricketer.

Together, they provide us with the action packed, side-splitting session of the greatest moments from the illustrious game, guaranteed to deliver plenty of LBWs (that’s Laughs Before Wicket).

Fuck me. Who ever wrote the phrase Laugh Before Wicket should be shot in the groin, made to fellate their parents, strangled, beaten, chucked in acid and then forced to watch a Delta Goodrem concert.

If, and it is a big if, I ever watch the video I will give you a QBQ of it.

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Jul 14 2009
ashes, poms

In 69 balls you can get 69 wickets

It’s true. I did the maths.

Ofcourse there are only ever 40 wickets to get in a match, so the extra 29 balls should be superfluous.

Monty and Jimmy did well though.

It is along time to bat when you know one wicket is all it takes.

It was a longer partnership than any of the first 5.

Professional batsmen all of them.

Not awkward tailenders struggling to hold onto the bats and play shots at the same time.

Guys who practise batting for hours each day.

Guys who eat nice food, drive sexy cars, and bed fine women all based on the fact that they are in the top 6 for their country.

And Montybot and Jimmy put on a better partnership than all of them.

It is sort of like buying a sex toy, and enjoying the box more.

As long as it gets you off, it’s all good.

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Jul 09 2009
ashes, aussies, poms

Nathan; a sword, a mop

The English commentators were excited every time the ball spun on day one.

All three balls that did elicited yelps of orgasmic delight.

At other times they were happy enough to just say the ball was spinning when it wasn’t.

They were talking up Swann and Monty and talking about how they would be hard to play on the last day.

That might still be true, but today, only one spinner got scary spin, and that was Australia’s twelfth man for the rest of the series.

He got serious turn like turn to Graeme Swann.

Swann and Anderson still batted against him like you would against the slowest bowler in your class. 

Jimmy Anderson even shipped out an awful attempt at a reverse sweep (similar to the one I tried off Suave in the charity game).

When Hauritz cleaned up the tail (well they cleaned themselves up, yesterday he was the sword, today he was mop) it was only about 25 minutes later that Graeme Swann was on.

Swann did out bowl Hauritz in almost every sense of the word, but there was no spin and no batsman treating him like a net bowler.

Montybot was much the same.

They might still end the game well, but right now they seem amazingly playable.

Hauritz has bowled 24 overs, for 3 wickets.

Swann and Montybot have toiled for 31 overs for no joy.

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Jul 02 2009
ashes, poms

Adil & Montybot, better than Nathan, but no Swannie

I desperately want Adil Rashid to be good, and he can bowl, but yesterday was not one of his good days.

The Australians scored off him so easily at times I thought I was watching an Australian spinner.

He had good control, some nice variation, and seemed to have confidence, but he looked pretty unthreatening at all times.

His bowling around the wicket to the left handers seemed to be based on a personal preference or some coach showing him a pitch map to Australian left handers, but it just did not work.

Yet he plugged away there almost all day, and being that Katich, Hussey and Johnson were they only three batsmen to make any runs, he spent most of his time bowling around the wicket. Other than a half tracker that didn’t deserve a wicket, but should have been caught, he never looked likely to succeed.

In his current form, and against a team of left handers, Adil does not look more likely to take more wickets than Bresnan, Harmy or Onions.

He probably looks more likely to take wickets than Montybot, but Montybot has had a mental break down.

Once Mushtaq tried to teach how Montybot how to think and bowl, his world crumbled. This year his county figures are pure horror.  6 matches for 6 wickets at 86.

Kill it.

And he played at Cardiff the worlds spiniest non subbie pitch (no, it’s not) taking him 2 for 149.

So Adil is a young struggling leggie who’s better than Nathan, but not test standard, and Montybot is a badly programmed bowler who is better than Nathan, but playing just as bad.

Australia will be hoping one of them gets picked.

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Mar 06 2009
windies

Windies drop pretences

And Sulieman Benn.

But its hard to say he has been dropped, the fairer call would be that he has beenrested to ensure a draw.

While you understand why the Windies would go for a draw, it is slightly disturbing that they are.

Ofcourse more disturbing is the fact Powell is still playing.

Benn is in the best three bowlers in the Windies, Powell does not seem to be.

The thinking would be that with Hinds and Gayle the spin options are already there.

With Taylor out injured, and Baker coming in, only Fidel Edwards is of truly of test match class in this line up, but we all know bowlers have no place in a draw, best to let the opposition make as many runs as they want and then declare.

Then you bring in the big guns, and they don’t get any bigger than our man Lendl Simmons.

Since he smoted England in the warm up game he has been on ice, no literally, that would be odd.

Now he is back, and must be so exited to know his role in the Windian side is to play draws.

England has also made some changes, out goes Tiny Tim and Sidebottom the stroppy, in comes the reat Amjad Khan, and Monty.

The attack consists of Broad (batting at 7), Anderson, Swann, monty and Amjad.

Seems an odd line up in a must win match.

At least they are trying to win.


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Feb 15 2009
general balls

Monty gets dropped after shocking performance in last test

After a drawn test match, the bowers are always looked at harshly.

Why couldn’t they get a wicket?

Does their performance justify their selection in the next test?

Were they the reason for the draw?

With England hanging on for the draw in the last test, their selectors had to look at all these factors.

The truth is that Montybot took no wickets in the last test, and that is why he has been dropped.

Graeme Swann from Mars is playing, and while no one understands that, alot of us like it.

If you could explain how Montybot could be dropped after a 10 ball test match, in which he didn’t take the field, for another finger spinner you’re Andrew Strauss.

Sidebottom the stroppy also got dropped, but his one does have some sense attached, maybe not his dropping, but bringing in Harmy on a pitch that was supposed to be quick.

The pitch isn’t quick, but everyone thought it would be, so you bring in Harmy who had been taking the English batsman apart in the nets.

However why drop Sidebottom?

Wouldn’t Anderson have been the more obvious choice?

Although, by definition the less obvious choice is the right choice here, I guess

Remember that Strauss has been picked as the sensible option for captaincy.

So it all makes sense.

To someone.

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Feb 11 2009
general balls

Monty, batteries not included

“He is essentially a bowling machine. He has had success by operating mechanically.”

Vic Marks

Marks is talking about Monty.

And he isn’t the first to talk about Monty in these terms, but the operating mechanically bit got me thinking.

Is monty human?

I have seen no proof of Monty as a human, I have seen him as a bowling machine, I have seen him as a corpaorate vision, and I have seen him run, which i once described thusly, “he looks like a child imitating a robot”.

Now i know he was not imitating a robot, he is a robot.

Infact, he is Montybot.

That is why Grand Master Mushie couldn’t help him, it’s his programming.

This may be the first case in cricket where a Probot has been outed as a robot.

There may be others.

If yo suspet a cricketer is not real, please call the hotline.

But for now, jut call Monty, Montybot.

Cause it’s fun to say.

The good thing is with Montybot, and Graeme Swann being a spider from Mars, England now have the chance to have the greatest Science Fiction spinning tandom in history.

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Feb 06 2009
general balls

He’s no Monty

Sorry for the title.

It’s unfair to compare opposition players to each other.

Sulieman Benn

44.2 overs  13 maidens  77 runs  4 wickets 1.73 per over

Monty Panesar

22  overs 6 maidens 72 runs  0 wickets 3.27 per over

Are you feeling unfair yet?

The stats are oviously just one small part of it.

It’s the mood.

Sulieman created a culture of fear in the English batsmen.

KP might have scored 97, but he regulary played and missed, and the balls he missed were absolutle gems.

Biting, turning, spitting.

It was if Sulieman was bowling actual cobras.

If that is true, Monty is bowling baby koalas.

There is no venom in his bowling.

He has beaten the bat of Sarwan a few times, but probably the same amount of times Benn was beating batsmen every over.

If you were new to cricket, cricket would baffle you as a concept, then so would spinners, but once had you had learnt something about the game, you may then think that Sulieman was the spinner with the crednetionals on the board,  and Monty was the newbie.

Ofcourse if you were new to cricket, you might just point at Benn and say, he’s a big fella.

This is supposed to be the new Monty, Mushie was supposed to come in and use his Grand Master skills to help him.

At this stage he seems to have confused Monty.

Who has none of his old control, very little spin compared to Benn, and the mojo of a nun.

Trying to make an Automaton think is a risky thing, sometimes they forget their original skills.

Tagged ,
Dec 16 2008
Uncategorized

Monty does not have an adaptive mind

They aren’t my words.

I would have said he was a dumb fuck.

But both sentiments are true.

Monty just cannot think.

He can spin the ball alot.

He can hit an ants dick at 22 yards.

And he goes all day long.

But what he doesn’t do is change with the situation.

When his normal line and length fail him, there is no other plan.

Even bowling machines can change line and length.

Monty just falls apart.

He has no creative bone in his body.

The Indians were brutal on him, and he just didn’t seem to know where to go.

People are already saying that if one spinner is required they would prefer the Swann from mars.

The selectors will pick 2 spinners, and even if they didn’t swann would be dropped.

Monty’s honeymoon ended a long time ago, and now it’s his time to keep the vultures off his back.

Or the swanns.

See what i did there.

Genius.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged
Oct 24 2008
Uncategorized

Monty gets a prophet

The best thing ever has happened to Monty Panesar.

No it’s not getting laid.

No it’s not finding Godzilla 1985 on dvd.

No it’s not getting to be Salma Hayek’s jeans for a day.

The great one, Mushie, is going to coach him.

Mushie fresh from his isolation in Sussex is keen to see the world again, and he has decided to make Monty his protégé.

That means Monty will get an arm twirl.

Cool facial hair.

A tubbier frame.

Actual mystery.

And most important of all, a cheeky sense of humour.

So far the only cool thing about Monty is, well, um.

OK at the moment there is nothing cool about Monty.

But Mushie will fix that.

Mushie can fix everything.

Mushie can.

Who can take a spinner
Sprinkle it in dew
Cover it in chocolate
and a googly or two?

The mushieieman
The mushieman can
The mushieman can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world spin good

Who can take a jaffa
Wrap it is a sigh
Soak it in the sun
and make it invisible to the eye?

The mushieman?

The mushieman
The mushieman can
The mushieman can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world spin good

Little Mushie turns
Everything he yearns
Satisfying and delicious
Talk about your childhood wishes
An Angel with arm swishes

Who can take tomorrow
Beat it with a gem
Seperate the sorrow
With the grace of a femme

The mushieman

Little Mushie can

The mushieman can cause he mixes it with love
And makes the world spin good
And the world spins good cause the mushieman thinks it should

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www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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