During the Ashes I said that the real Mitchell Johnson never turned up.
He couldn’t, he was busy.
As a few of the balls fans on twitter pointed out, this one was more consistent and better at hitting his targets.
It should also be pointed out that a current New Zealand cricketer thought this Mitchell Johnson looked like Daniel Flynn.
You decide.
OK, so today might just be the day that decides the Ashes. It’s a bit unlikely with two matches still to go, but an England win would make it very hard for Australia to retain the urn, an Australian win pretty hard for England to win it back.
The whole boring ‘team’ thing aside, though, there are some fascinating individuals for whom today could be a Very Big Day indeed.
Shane Watson - I’m bored of writing about him now, but an early dismissal this morning and he’s going to have to do some good work with the ball to avoid the experiment of opening with him coming to an end after one Test. He’s scored runs, but he’s looked like an ODI opener trying to play the same way in the longer game. And his pie-chucking yesterday doesn’t inspire confidence as a bowler, either. Needs both runs and wickets today.
Michael Hussey – Almost had the same brainstorm yesterday evening that he had in the first innings. Must know that he is one more lapse of concentration away from losing his place.
Mitchell Johnson – Brett’s fit again. Need I say more?
Nathan Hauritz – Assuming the Aussies have to bowl again, can he turn it like Swanny was yesterday, or will he again look like a nervously excited schoolboy who’s been inexplicably invited to play with the grownups?
Stuart Broad – One good bowling spell does not make a summer. His 50 yesterday could not have been more timely, but he needs wickets and lots of them today, because his bowling so far in this series has been as short of Test class as my writing is of Gideon Haigh’s.
Graeme Swann - On a pitch turning square, he should by rights run through Australia. Of the 8 remaining wickets, 3 are left handers, one a debutant and one Ben Hospitalpass. Time for him to show that he’s as good as he thinks he is.
And yes, I could’ve mentioned Bell, Cook, Bopara and even Collingwood, but when England bat it is going to be a run chase and some of the England side are actually quite good at that sort of thing. In a slogathon, I don’t think you can judge anyone’s suitability as a Test batsman.
So use it, for chrissakes.
How many more times in this series are we going to see a batsman leave a ball alone and then watch as it clatters into the stumps? Especially to their first ball. Yes, I’m looking at you, Hussey and you, Johnson.
The very name ‘batsman’ implies that it might just, occasionally, behove you to use the freaking bat.
It is no coincidence that, KP being brilliantly set up by Hospitalpass aside, every player who has made an idiot of themselves doing this has been lefthanded. Now, if you bat lefthanded, there are two things that are a given – rough outside your off stump and a majority of balls slanting across you. If, by the time you get to international level, you’ve not sussed out that focussing on a ball coming across your body is going to make it hard to tell where your off stump is then, frankly, you’re not very bright at all.
When they next send Braddin for a scan on his fingers, it might be an idea to get Hussey, Johnson, North and the others brain scanned as well – cos things are looking like they might be a little empty in there.
This letter is to certify that I do not want to be selected to play for Australia again on this trip. I do understand that this may leave you in a quandary, but I think this is the best result for everyone at this time.
I have tried to make this easier for you, but you seem hell bent on picking me. I really do appreciate your loyalty, but I am spent. The team would be in a much better situation if I were not a member. The boys are being very supportive of my decision; I hope you do the same.
Cricket used to be fun, now it isn’t. I do love representing my country, but I also like watching Troma films, listening to the Eagles and completing themed word jumbles. I think that at this point it would be better for me to spend my time on these pursuits.
Obviously there are mitigating factors, my mother’s press conferences, the pressure of leading the attack in England and the fact that Troy Cooley keeps following me around talking about wrist position.
If one more person mentions wrist position to me I might die.
Yesterday was the worst; Steve Harmison called me to tell me he knew how I was feeling.
How could another man know I am dying inside, it is all too much for me.
I didn’t sign on for this.
Jessica wants me to go to faliraki with her, but I am not in the mood.
I just wanna crawl up in the corner.
Please just get me out of here.
I’ve had enough.
No more swing.
No more mummy.
Please
Somebody
Help
Me
I want to go home.
Yours truly,
Mitchell Johnson
For fucks sake, will people stop interviewing Mitchell Johnson’s mother.
Other than the fact little Mitchell came out of her womb, she has no relevance to the Ashes.
It was boring before it happened.
Now it is bullshit.
I don’t care about Mitchell’s mum.
I care about the fact they tried to give a bowling weapon an inswinger and turned him into a tub of KY jelly.
They should be talking to Troy Cooley.
He is the one who has fucked with Mitchell’s head, not Mitchell’s mum.
Before the next test I want Troy to say to Mitchell, “Never forget I love you, mate, oh and forget about the inswinger, it’s making you shit”.
For others in the series go here.
For a little while now you have been hanging out with a young stud. He is well built in every way, very accommodating to your needs, and has a phenomenal success rate when it comes to getting you off.
There aren’t many lovers like him. Most of his ilk don’t last very long, you know a friend of yours had one like him once and hasn’t stopped talking about him since.
Mitchell is great, but he is not perfect. You have had better, but not much better, at this time and place he is far better than any other option you have.
During one particularly savage love making session he does something that he has never done before, and you melt.
He minds your magic spot, and you know if you can train him how to do this regularly you will never ever want to leave Mitchell.
So you tell him how he did it, and you show him how to continue to do it.
He doesn’t get it right very much, but when he does you are so damn orgasmic you hardly notice he only does it on the very rare occasion.
Eventually it is all you can think of and every time you and him are in action you ask for it, “Come on Mitchell, give me want I want big boy, I know you can do it”.
Sometimes he struggles, but you guide him, teach him, explain it to him, and he eventually gets it right.
Then you go on holiday together, it is your first really special holiday, and all you can think of is Mitchell and your magic spot.
The first few times he can’t do it, but he assures you he is just getting used to being on holiday and that he will come good.
You trust him, but you can’t help but give him some advice, being that lovely chap he is, he takes it. It doesn’t help him though. It just clouds his judgment.
Suddenly even his old loving making skills break down, now he is like a teenage boy with a hard on for the first time.
You see him falling apart, and you give him more and more advice, but the more you give him the worse he gets.
Now he is ejaculating before entry, and some of it goes in your eye.
But you remain calm. You know that at times he took you to places few have taken you to before, so you stay by him.
It isn’t easy. And you now stop giving him advice altogether, not because you don’t want to see him at his best, but because when you do he can no longer get an erection.
When you stop talking to him he does seem to get a little better, now all you need to do is learn to shut up and hope he comes good.
There are jokes here.
But they would hurt me to mention them.
Feel free to put them in the comments.
Australia’s nightmare is here.
Their main weapon for the Ashes, the only double barrelled one, is hurt.
While at a routine training session he was fielding a ball and has twisted his knee.
I heard there was a pop, but I also heard the Airfrance Flight 447 flew into another dimension, it is too early to know all the details.
Apparently he was rushed to hospital, well not rushed, but you know, taken to hospital.
The early reports are not good, sounds like he is going to miss AT LEAST a couple of weeks.
His Ashes campaign could be over before it begins.
Australia’s one Unique Selling Point in the Ashes, and he is all fucked up.
Ofcourse I am talking shit.
Mitchell is fine; he is probably in bed watching Happy Gilmore sharing a bag of chips with Peter Siddle.
But I thought I should prepare the rest of the Australian in case the worst happens.
Sure you want to punch me, but you’re now ready if Mitchell does get injured.
You’re welcome.
I was going to make a snappy little post about this, but I felt it was too easy.
”It’s interesting to see each other’s balls. Mine’s, one side is a little bit rougher than Ben Hilfenhaus.”
That is Mitchell Johnson talking about, well, I could never really say it on a family site like this.
Thanks to Q for the tip.
There was a question mark over how Mitchell would handle England.
So far the formerly labret pierced one has bowled 8 overs for Australia in the UK.
It is way too soon to say he has conquered the place these are only practice games.
But 8 overs for 7/41 is orgasmic inducing stuff.
Drop your drawers England, Mitchell has come to rape and pillage.
Surely this is enough for some Australian to say Australia will win 5 zip.
Bob Willis was quick to make the obvious jokes with Andrew ‘Ronnie’ McDonald, but he, and other English writers, have stayed away from the ‘shit’ jokes you could make about Mitchell the ex-plumber.
Funny that.
