Tagged with miriam …

May 28 2008
general balls

MacGill Monty Miriam Threesome

OK person who googled the title of this post four times to get to the site instead of KEEPING YOUR SICK FANTASIES TO YOURSELF, you win. Here is your post.
The answer to your googlequery is: that is one heck of a wierd threesome and I do NOT want in. In fact, I now need some, or possibly all, of the following to scrub from my brain the vision that you have implanted:
  • Soap
  • Lysol
  • Brillo pad
  • A refiner’s fire
  • 100 Hail Mary’s
  • Night out drinking Chumbawamba cocktails on an empty stomach
  • Concussion from Brett Lee or James Anderson
  • That flashy blinky thing from “Men In Black”
  • Lobotomy

If, however, IF I happened to be into the kind of thing that you, googler, are clearly into (and I’m saying nothing), and if you happened to google any of the following, the answer would be ohgodyesplease:

  • Vettori Oram Miriam Threesome (needs absolutely no explanation)
  • Dhoni Gony Miriam Threesome (oh the pretty ones)
  • Dirty Dirk Eyelids Miriam Threesome (I have a thing for the Vics in England, so sue me)
  • Ryder Chawla Miriam Threesome (I can’t begin to explain this even if I tried, and I probably shouldn’t).

Other wacky google searches from today:

why are some men so vain (because they are trying to compensate for something)

england v new zealand chasing inflatable jelly bean (oh, alright, it’s here)

and all of the following:

  1. cricketer’s sisters supermodels
  2. cricketer’s supermodel wives
  3. south african cricketer sister supermodel
  4. supermodel sister of famous cricketer
  5. supermodel wives to famous cricketers
  6. which cricketer has supermodel sister
  7. which cricketer sister and wife are supermodels?

(as you want to know so badly, your persistence is rewarded: you are probably looking for Cindy Nel, but (a) she’s no longer Jacques Kallis’ girlfriend, and (b) I’m not actually sure that she is Andre Nel’s sister. The other possibility I can think of is Neil McKenzie, whose sister Megan is a model. Honestly, I am way too good to you people).

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged , , , ,
May 28 2008
Uncategorized

Dirty Dirk Nannes – FOUND

Ladies (ha) and gentlemen (HA) I am pleased to announce that the search is over.

No, not the location of Osama
No, not the true identity of Jack the Ripper
No, not England’s new bowling all-rounder saviour who will wrestle the Ashes from Michael Clarke’s (probably manicured) hands.

YES, that’s right people. Following on from my previous search for Dirty Dirk Nannes, it gives me great pleasure to report that he has been FOUND!

Dirty Dirk played his first bit of county cricket today. Yay! The dude got a game! I couldn’t be more excited for him if he were my husband.
He took part in Middlesex’s crushing 8-wicket (Duckworth-Lewis) victory over The Essex today. He took a wicket in his first over, getting Pettini lbw for a duck.
Now, Pettini can be dangerous, so I am quite sure this wicket was directly responsible for limiting Essex to a gettable 244 instead of, say, a redonkulous 391.
As it turned out, it then rained and rained, this being England in May, but Middlesex got in enough overs easily to make the D/L target.
It’s not a trailblazing county debut in quite the same way as Grimsby-born Eyelids Pattinson’s 5 – 22, but it’s a game.

Middlesex, we want loads more Dirty Dirk please.

(Big thanks to Suave for the tip off)

EDIT! EDIT! EDIT! EDIT! EDIT!
Ceci has pointed out, in the comments, my EXTREME WRONGNESS. Apparently, Dirk played against Warwicks in the County Champs earlier this month!
O NOES indeed! And, more to the point, why was I not told? Hmm?

Minus point: my whole post is rendered redundant.

Plus point: it is kind of reassuring to find that someone else has been stalking Dirty Dirk more closely than I.

Either way, Dirk is found, all is right with the world, and between Ceci and I he will never get lost again.

No matter how hard he tries.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged , , ,
May 27 2008
Uncategorized

Jesse’s back in town

His home town in New Zealand, that is. NOT London town, because Jesse Ryder WON’T make it to England for the one-dayers.

His hand has not yet recovered from its unfortunate nighttime rendezvous with a toilet window.

O NOES! This is an EPIC FAIL on the part of his hand tendons.

I am very disappointed, for the following reasons:
  • My “Jesse Is My Kind Of All-Rounder” and “What Would Jesse Do” tshirts won’t get an outing this summer.
  • I have a thing for the better-padded man.
  • In a time of protein shakes, personalised gym programmes and detailed fitness analyses I love that there’s room in the game for a batsman like him.

    and

    • He is talented, exciting and great to watch.
    • He is the kind of person of whom you get the impression that he really, really needs to be playing cricket.

    Oh Jesse, get better soon! We miss you! Even Bumble Lloyd was asking after you in his commentary the other day!

    We could have had such a great summer:

    • Monopoly board pub crawl
    • “Withnail and I” drinking game
    • “Sideways” drinking game
    • Night out in Strawberry Moon
    • Night out in Tiger Tiger
    • Night out at Infernos and the Clapham Grand
    • If you’d come early, pre 1 June, we could have gone to that tube party to mourn the ban on drinking on public transport
    • You could have had free rein of my box file of takeaway menus
    • I have a well-stocked drinks cabinet, including unusual delights such as Kummel and Goldwasser
    • I live within 10 minutes’ walk of at least three fried chicken establishments

    Jesse, I’ll always cut fresh flowers for you
    Jesse, I’ll always make the wine cold for you
    Jesse, I can easily change my mind about you
    And put on cologne
    And I will wait by the phone for you – Oh Jesse!

    www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
    Tagged , ,
    May 25 2008
    windies

    Hear My Prayer, O Rain Gods

    Dearest Rain Gods

    You treated me well today (Sunday). It rained and RAINED this morning, so that we didn’t have to do a Corpus Christi day procession outside through the streets. Thank you, sincerely. Then this afternoon the skies cleared and you gave us beautiful weather for the party I went to.

    Now I have one more favour to ask.

    Please please PLEASE could there be no rain, snow, bad light, sleet, drizzle or mizzle tomorrow in Manchester or Jamaica.
    For the avoidance of doubt, Rain Gods, I mean MONDAY in the UK, NOT Tuesday. Don’t get confused by the Aussie timings on this site.

    I know that it’s a Bank Holiday in the UK and that therefore rain is practically compulsory, but please try to contain yourselves, just this once.

    You see, there are two very exciting run chases happening, and it would break my heart if either match were to be ruined by your capricious will.
    England need 218 more runs to win, although they have Tuesday too so I don’t mind a little bit of rain if it’s all part of your masterplan to provide an exciting finale to what has already been a brilliantly twisty-turny test match.

    England looked down and out, you see, but then the Kiwis imploded in a very, well, English manner, leaving the match Intriguingly Poised.

    The West Indies, though, only have tomorrow in which to get 241 runs to beat the mighty Australia. Australia, Rain Gods! The Windies bowled them out for 167!

    So it comes down to 241 runs, or 9 wickets, in one day. It’s practically the definition of Intriguingly Poised!

    That is all, Rain Gods, that is all I ask.
    www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
    Tagged , , ,
    May 23 2008
    general balls

    Still haven’t found what you’re looking for?

    Some of you don’t seem to understand Google.
    You are supposed to put in search terms that you think might be in the source text that you are looking for.
    You are NOT meant to ask questions, unless you are looking on the internet for an instance of that question being asked. (Sigh).
    However, as I am so good, kind and generous, I have – yes that’s right! – taken it upon myself to use the correct conduit for your questions, AQA (who should really be paying me for my constant, relentless promotion of them on this site or at the very least sending me some kind of pretty gift), to find your answers.
    So:
    Q: Where can I get glasses like brendon mccullum

    A: ” ‘Leader Boston ‘ glasses are similar to Brendan McCullum’s and cost £32.50 from www.gosportsspex.co.uk . However, they do not have prescription lenses.”

    Note how AQA subtlely but firmly corrects the misspelling of “Brendan”. A researcher after my own heart, I think.

    Q: what wristband is stuart broad wearing
    A: “Sorry, AQA can’t find what wristband Stuart Broad is wearing. Stuart was born on 24 June 1986 in Nottingham. He is 6 feet and 5 inches tall.”
    O noes! AQA!

    Q: how to pronounce pomersbach
    A: “The surname Pomersbach is pronounced “pommers bash”. It looks as though you’d pronounce the “bach” bit as the composer’s name, but apparently not.”
    I conspicuously avoid making a “pommy bash” joke. The Jrod didn’t, so in return I confirm for the Aussies that the composer “Bach” is basically pronounced “bark”.

    Q: suggest a good name for my new cricket team

    A: A good name for your new cricket team could be “The Wicket Takers”, “The Century Runners”, “The Willow Whackers” or the “Village Green Gang”.

    They’re not brilliantly imaginative, but any of these are better than “Mumbai Indians”.

    Q: why did people become bushrangers

    A: “a “bushranger” is defined as “a person living far from civilisation”. In the historical sense, it refers to an outlaw living in the bush. ”
    Far from civilisation? Harsh on Melbourne, very harsh.

    Yes, I am aware that people who now google these phrases are going to end up at this post, which I believe is what they call “meta”.

    Oh, and for the person who googled “crazy women females girls for Daniel Vettori” – yes, you’ve come to the right place.

    www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
    Tagged ,
    May 22 2008
    windies

    Windies – Australia: reasons to be cheerful

    People, do I detect insufficient excitement about the Windies – Aus test series?
    You moaned and moaned and MOANED about the IPL, now you’re soon going to be spoilt for choice for tests (making it possible in England to watch test cricket on TV for 12 hours a day, and damnit that’s how I’m going to spend my weekend) and yet all I see is unhappiness. Don’t say you’re only interested in the Ashes?! You’re worse than The English!
    Here is my first XI of reasons to tune into this test series.
    1. There is no Hayden, at the moment. Now that’s got to be worth something.
    2. No Hogg. Come on, people, you can now live a life without fear of turning on your TV and seeing his tongue.
    3. The Windies have such great names, they are a headline-writer’s dreams. I look forward to seeing at least some if not all of the following:
    • Jaggernauth drives/motors through Australia
    • DJ Sammy is boy of summer, finds it hard to believe he’s in heaven
    • Parchment rewrites record books
    • Fidel imposes autocratic rule on the Aussies
    • The batsman’s Ramdin, the bowler’s [o noes, the analogy falls short. Maybe Bollinger. That joke worked best with Sidebottom].

    4. There’s some rather good bling on display, in particular Dwayne Bravo, who has a necklace chunkier than any jewellery I own and I have some serious jewellery.

    5. Cricket-wise, there’s something for everyone: Ricky Ponting appears to have found his mojo, King Probot needs to adjust his settings because he’s currently stuck on slow-and-scratchy, there’s a young spinner (Jaggernauth) on debut, and a less young spinner (MacGill) on the very opposite of a debut.

    6. Still on the cricket – a nightwatchman? for Australia? What the? If this has happened, what the hell else might happen?

    7. There are some so-shameless-they’re-great adverts for coffee estates.

    8. The commentators are saying things such as this: “There’s no such thing as half a chance. It’s like being half pregnant”.

    9. You can compare the respective hair jobs of Bollinger and Ponting.

    10. There’s a man in the crowd who’s upper body is covered with paint only, like Tendulkar’s superfan, except it appears to be the Windies one-day shirt, portrayed in the medium of body paint. I’m hoping he’ll be back every day – he’s one helluva dancer.

    11. It’s in the Caribbean, so you have a pretext for a Caribbean-themed party. I had one for the World Cup last year. Rice and beans, lager, jerk chicken, Mount Gay Barbados Rum. BUT! It’s Australia, so you can barbecue the jerk chicken.

    www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
    Tagged ,
    May 21 2008
    Uncategorized

    Ashes 2009 – plane temporarily grounded in Rajasthan

    I promised to bring you each and every snippet of Ashes ephemerea, but I have failed already. So like a cheating boyfriend buying his girlfriend a Hermes Birkin bag, I am making amends late, but in the best way possible. Is it possible to over-hype the Ashes? My friends, over the coming months, we will see.
    So, England have a series with NZ on at the moment, Australia are about to play the Windies, there’s still plenty of shiny blingy IPL drinking-game fun to be had, but any snippet – ANY – of Ashes-related news will still rise to the top. This week there have been two:
    1) As already covered by The Jrod, the (metaphorical) plane (metaphorically) carrying the Ashes from Australia back to England may have made an unscheduled stop in Rajasthan to refuel, as Shane Warne has hinted at a return to Test cricket next year so as to have one last chance at whupping The England.
    The Jrod wasn’t happy with this because of its impact on Bryce McGain. However, I think that this is the best thing (well, apart from actually being selected himself) that Bryce could have hoped for. If Australia go with some young buck, then surely all hope is gone for Bryce and he will have been officially Passed Over For Selection.
    But if Warne, three years older than Nice Bryce, is selected, then perhaps the door is still open. Bryce, see, I still have the faith. The “I’m Pushing For Nice Bryce” t-shirt is good for a few more outings yet.
    2) “They” are already talking about how “they” want Michael “Michael Vaughan” Vaughan to be the captain for the Ashes.
    Um, between now and then there’s the Kiwis, the Saffers, the India, and then the Windies.
    If I were the Kiwis I’d not be too keen on being seen as the first warm-up act, and not just because I have a major soft spot (RIGHT HERE BABY) for the Kiwis.
    Is it too radical a suggestion that England concentrate on the matter in hand and get into a winning habit? Then perhaps the “rebuilding” that they are always banging on about might actually start to happen.
    Other things, apart from Shane Warne, that are due a comeback:

    Pashminas

  • They Might Be Giants
  • Carpet
  • CURLY HAIR for the love of God. It’s been years
  • Hooch alcoholic lemonade
  • Scratch N Sniff stickers
  • Transfers (that you rub onto paper, not the football kind)
  • Crazy paving
  • Ice magic (you know, the chocolate sauce that solidifies when you pour it onto icecream)
  • Rulers with moving pictures on them/changing colours/holograms in general
  • Supersonic air travel
  • Posters of hunky men holding babies (the James Corden one in GQ may not be to everybody’s taste)
  • Writing letters on paper
  • Gyroscopes
  • Arranging to meet properly, not just giving a vague time and location and trying to figure it out with phones when you get there.
  • The Ashes.
    • www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
    Tagged , ,
    May 19 2008
    Uncategorized

    Harmonster Harms Hoggard

    In a SHOCKING incident reminiscent of Tonya Harding – Nancy Kerrigan, Steve Harmison has, apparently, resorted to extreme measures in a (futile – Tremlett’s back in) attempt to take out one of his fast-bowling rivals.

    Poor Matthew Hoggard has had his thumb broken by a Harmison bouncer.

    Now, seasoned Harmy watchers will notice that something doesn’t quite add up.

    Yes, that’s right.

    Harmison? Bowling with a line sufficiently precise so as to pinpoint a thumb?

    WHAT THE?

    There is only one possible explanation for this sudden show of extreme accuracy: the mind-mannered wayward tormented bowler is, by accumulated rage and thwarted ambition, TRANSFORMED into a being with robot-like vision and accuracy:

    THE HARMONSTER

    His secret identity remains safe, because it never manifests itself in a test match when people might be watching.

    *thanks again to Ceci and Mel for the beauteous photoshopping.

    www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
    Tagged , , ,
    May 19 2008
    Uncategorized

    New Surrey post

    That’s right people, a new Surrey post! It is HERE.

    This covers Surrey’s Friends Provident game against Kent on Sunday 18 May, which I didn’t go to as I was at Lords. In this post:

    • I just about resist calling Azhar Mahmood a turncoat;
    • I introduce (for those of you who may not have met him yet) an exciting young buck called Chris Jordan;
    • I express disappointment at Mark Ramprakash in my new feature “Bat Out Of Hell”, a possibly unfair anti-accolade that I’ll be handing out to whichever batsman I feel like, according to my capricious will.

    WARNING: the Surrey post contains paragraphs.

    www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
    Tagged ,
    May 16 2008
    Uncategorized

    The only reason you’ll need sunglasses at Lords this weekend


    So, England’s new kit. It is white. Not just white, but WHITE. Proper WHITE.

    White is sometimes associated with things that are good and pure. I once sang a piece which included the words “This sanctuary of my soul, Unwitting I keep white and whole”. At the time I found the imagery a little offensive, I won’t lie to you, but the piece redeemed itself by containing the line “with parted lips and outstretch’d hands”.


    The England’s white kit, though, is wrong on many levels. Here is my XI (and believe me there’s a 2nd, 3rd and 4th XI, and several youth teams as well) reasons why the white kit is wrong.

    1) It looks blue on TV. It’s not just my telly; the cameras can’t pick up the white properly.


    2) The new non-woolly jumpers don’t sit properly on the cricketers’ asses. Solely in the name of research, I spent quite some time analysing this when watching the highlights last night, and, solely to ensure the scientific accuracy of the research, in the name of SCIENCE I used the example of Daniel Vettori’s ass in a woollen jumper as the experimental control.


    3) I don’t want to think about the environmental processes involved in getting something that white.


    4) Ditto the laundry processes in keeping something that white.


    5) Such a stark white doesn’t flatter the more pallid of the English complexions. It may look better if they pick up a bit of a tan, but that obviously depends on there actually being some daylight in England this summer. If they want to make the kit work right now, Panesar isn’t enough – they should bring back Ramps.


    6) The use of an unnatural fibre feels like a cruel, deliberate slap in the face of the wool industry, and specifically the New Zealand wool industry.


    7) The print advert seems actively to blame the old kit for England’s poorer performances. It states “The new England Test kit made with lightweight fabrics to allow maximum performance”. Allow? Has maximum performance not been “allowed” before? And no, I haven’t missed out an “is” or a colon from that quote.


    8) I’m concerned that for fear of dirtying their new kit they might not throw themselves into the game with as much vigour.


    9    ) The horror of the marketing meeting where the kit was proposed. I can just see a young chap in meeja glasses and directional trainers saying “I have an idea. It’s a crazy one! Why not make the new kit … white?”.


    10) I fear that this is a slippery slope toward them wearing those Skins things that Michael Vaughan advertises.


    11) They can go on all they like about superior wicking abilities, but I’d much rather hug someone who’s wearing a woolly jumper.

    www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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