Tagged with miriam …

Nov 30 2009
general balls

the contributors

Sorry to harp on about my book, I’m not, but there was one thing I wanted to mention.

I was not the only author of it.

Yes I wrote most of it (75% original, 22% taken from online stuff I’d done) but the other 3% came from 4 contributors.

One was my wife Miriam. Those who have been reading here for a while will remember her work.

Then I had test cricket’s greatest blogger, Iain O’Brien, who wrote about a part of the Ashes series that meant something to him.

Also was Rob Smyth of the Guardian, who is the world’s expert on the last day at Adelaide in 06/07, so I got him to sum that up.

And last, but by no means least, was The Old Batsman, who delved into the English media and gave me some words on their Ashes involvement.

All these people added a touch of respectability to my crude ramblings.

Thank you all very much.

Tagged , , ,
Nov 11 2008
general balls

Miriam returns with some WAG words

I haven’t posted for such a long time now that newer readers won’t know that I exist, and older readers probably thought I’d disappeared into the ranks of the now-mythical Sime and Big Daddy.

However! I have been here all along, albeit with insufficient time to post. And now that The Jrod has more time to post since his arrival on this hallowed isle, too much of a good thing can be, well, too much.

But! Unlike Shane Warne, I have been spurred out of semi-retirement. By what, you might ask? To stick up for the women, of course.

After The England’s frankly redonkulous effort in the Stanford, there have been suggestions that the wives and girlfriends, what with their Stanford lap-sitting and other activities that might distract our poor boys, were a factor.

After all, it was, no doubt, the existence of Emily Prior that led directly to Matt exposing his stumps so as to be comprehensively bowled by Jerome Taylor.

Such suggestions make me crosser than you can know.

I’m not saying that the existence of a partner on tour does not have an impact on a player’s behaviour on or off the field (although, had Rachael Flintoff been in the West Indies last year, what are the chances that Freddie would have got drunk and gone pedalloing, if that’s even a verb? Had Vicky Collingwood been in South Africa, the only inappropriate area Paul would have ended up in is an unshaded courtyard at midday without sunscreen, and even that’s doubtful).

It would depend on the individual player, but I would have thought that some players find it helpful to have their partner present, some don’t, and some aren’t able to exercise a choice either way because the lady makes the decision.

What I AM saying, though, is that when a team puts in a woeful performance, this is their failure, not that of the women.

Blaming the presence of the women doesn’t help anyone understand and address the real (cricketing) reasons for a team’s poor performance.

And quite apart from demeaning the women, it’s not exactly flattering to the men to suggest that they are sufficiently unfocussed that they can’t play if their girlfriend is in the stand.

Also, many of these men are quite able to perform when they play in their own countries and go home to their partner every night.

If going on tour is seen as being a different environment where the men should be able to do male bonding things without a pesky wife telling them to go to sleep because they’re playing a major international match the next day, then perhaps that in itself is the problem.

The last time I remember an England team’s failure being attributed in some quarters to the presence of the partners was Baden Baden, where they were described as a distraction and the centre of a media circus.

But, Rio et al, perhaps if you’d played slightly more sparkling football about which we could actually get excited, we wouldn’t have cared what your teammates’ girlfriends were wearing. Frankly, the women probably WERE the most interesting aspect of that England campaign.

Don’t blame the women. Or, if you really think their presence on a tour has an effect, give them credit when a team wins.
www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged ,
Aug 15 2008
general balls

Bowling Maidens Over (or Why Smart Women Love Cricket)

As Jrod says, for a couple of days you’re “in the hands of Miriam”. It’s not a bad place to be.

NOTE: this post is not about Daniel Vettori.

A while ago I read a post on my favourite non-cricket website (just edging out net-a-porter and icanhazcheezburger), www.jezebel.com , which was all about why smart women love baseball. In fact, here’s that post.

Now, any number of people have already waxed lyrical about similarities and differences between cricket and baseball, but I don’t think anyone’s done it from a lady perspective, and I am a lady, whatever you might have heard.

How does the Jezzie article hold up when applied to cricket? Let’s take a look and see, children.

1. “It’s about family”

The writer’s message here is that baseball brings people together, and that in baseball crowds conversation is not only possible but encouraged.

I go to cricket quite a lot on my own. Although it has to be said that people rarely initiate conversation with me, if I start speaking to someone then invariably a session of sparkly repartee ensues.

The Jezebel writer also says this:


“The game’s demands of loyalty and teamwork creates (or, perhaps, attracts)men who appreciate the beauty of routine and the rewards of commitment,qualities many a woman can appreciate”.

Many women might agree, but I’m not quite down with this as I’m not so much about the “beauty of routine”. Beauty routine, yes.

2) There’s Method Behind The “Monotony”

Does the following quote from the Jezebel post sound familiar to anyone?


“Many women tell me they don’t understand the appeal of baseball becauseit’s “slow”, or “boring”, that “nothing happens”, that it “takes too long”. They “get” how the game is played — understand that three strikes equal an out, that the way to home is via the basepaths — but they don’t appreciate that the devil is the details, that entire athletic operas are being performed through glances exchanged and glances avoided, seemingly neurotic adjustments in gear, in balls dropped and misthrown”.

You knew all this anyway, of course.

I also love the following quote, with the word “cricket” substituted in.


“The game of baseball is not unlike a lifelong, well-worn, comfortable love affair: After a time, you know what to expect, but you can never predict what will happen. You also learn how to forgive”.

Although I still haven’t forgiven England for the Adelaide Test.

3) It’s Full Of Sex Appeal


“For many women, the sex appeal of baseball players is what brings them to the majors.”

At this point in the article I got a bit worried that the article was going all fangirl and would start talking about Derek Jeter’s ass or something. (See, I know a baseball player). And it does a little, but then it says this:


“Through close attention to the game, women begin to appreciate a
masculinity defined not by muscles or money but by hard work and humility. Baseball players are men, after all, who sublimate the more primitive characteristics encouraged in other sports — aggression, rage, dominance — in favor of something approaching grace, whether that be the lift of a soaring, well-hit, left-field single or the determination of a batter who fouls off one nasty slider after another”.

Now I can’t pretend to understand for a second the funny baseball terms that she uses, but apart from that, I understand perfectly.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jul 28 2008
Uncategorized

Watching the English: a guide for The Jrod

The Jrod is, as we speak, in midair making his way over to this green and pleasant land.

While he is over here I expect he will go to watch some live cricket.

Balls fans, what does he need to know? I start you off with some suggestions.

1. However hot the day might seem, always, always take a jumper and an umbrella.

2. However cold the day might seem, always, always take a hat, sunglasses and suncream.

3. You are still allowed to take alcohol into Lords, and you can maximise the units of alcohol by taking wine not beer.

4. There is no cashpoint near the Oval, and there isn’t really anywhere to get picnic food either, unless it’s a Saturday in which case the farmers’ market is open.

5. Don’t go to the first beer stall, go to the second.

6. The Oval scoreboard will make you cry with frustration.

7. You will get frisked with a metal detector on the way in to big matches. Therefore, it’s probably best to leave the remote control sex toy at home.

8. A counselling course is required before you undergo the trauma of paying for a pint of Pimms.

9. At test matches, you will be tempted to change energy supplier by attractive blonde sirens. Resist.

10. Whatever they might say on the tannoy at Lord’s, St John’s Wood tube is not too busy for going home.

11. Never rely on being able to watch cricket in any particular pub. It will most probably be bumped if anything – anything – else is on.

12. The beer sold at the grounds is shocking.

13. If you are repeatedly buying multiple pints, hang on to the cardboard carrying thing because they sometimes run out of them by the end of the day.

14. Tickets for county games are very expensive compared with Australian State games.

Any more?

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged ,
Jul 24 2008
general balls

Miriam’s application to be BLACKCAPS coach

Dear BLACKCAPS

I enclose herewith my application to be your coach.

I set out below my suitability for the position in accordance with your specified requirements. I accept that I may not have any experience in the actual field of coaching cricket, but I note that performance of the BLACKCAPS has not improved under a coach with actual cricket experience.

What the BLACKCAPS need is an individual who surveys the world of cricket whilst not being actively involved, so who better than a cricket BLOGGER. More importantly, I have ample cricket blogging COMMENTING experience, and what is a coach if not someone who passes comment on other people’s efforts.

In response to the main criteria put forward:

1. Coached at an elite level within the last 12 months

Within the last 12 months I have successfully performed the following at elite level:

2. A proven track record as a world class coach as demonstrated by results

I have proven world class ability in the following:

  • styling my difficult hair and maintaining an expensive, complex hair colour (skills which I intend to share with the team, who are currently sporting some of the worst highlights in world cricket)
  • matching shoes with clothes on a daily basis
  • obsessive attention to grammatical detail
  • campaigning for the retention of the paragraph in cricket blogging.

3. Outstanding leadership, communication and people management skills

4. The desire to pursue everything with energy and drive and a need to win

  • I am BADASS. I once served proceedings on two individuals on Valentine’s day to make sure that they would accept the envelope.

5. The ability to generate, direct and manage the implementation of cutting edge coaching solutions and programmes

  • I am accomplished in achieving synergies in blue sky thinking, and running ideas up the flagpole to see who salutes.
  • I will ensure that all team players are singing from the same hymnsheet, and will ask them to hum a few more bars for me in order to conversate with them.
  • I intend to touch base with you from the get-go about how I am a product evangelist with the ability to incentivise, and I am aware that you can’t turn a tanker round with a speed boat change.
  • I will implement a holistic cradle-to-grave approach, so as to pluck the low hanging fruit with 360-degree thinking.
  • I will not let the grass grow too long on this one, and will get all my ducks in a row.
  • At the end of the day, the role concerns actioning, stepping up to the plate and facing the music, and I intend to ensure that stakeholders come to the party.
  • I will feed back to them, cascading down the shower of ideas to drill down to a level of granularity.
  • We will be living the values and achieving leverage up the strategic staircase, and taking a high altitude view so as not to wrongside the demographic.
  • I will give 110%.

6. A willingness to be judged on results

  • As someone who will in one fell swoop fill whatever diversity requirements you may have to meet as an organisation, I am used to being judged on appearance. Being judged on results makes a welcome change.

References on my commenting skills may be obtained from the following, a selection of whom I have interacted with on a daily basis for several months:

  • Kingcricket (he was my first, gives the right answer to the question “cat or dog” and it still hurts a little to cheat on him here)
  • Suave’s Republique (we were introduced by Kingcricket, then had a brief one-night stand where we indulged our forbidden love of hover-captions, but now he’s moved on to attacting other ladies through his wing-man FEC Naked Ali Cook)
  • AYALAC (he likes to film it, and some of the stuff he does is barely legal. Likes to use toys and props)
  • Miss Field (I’ve hardly flirted with female blogs before, but she tempted me where few others had succeeded)
  • Well Pitched (can produce the goods four times a day)
  • David Barry’s stats blog (I sullied his place with makeup the first time I visited)
www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged ,
Jun 09 2008
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Toygers trounced

I know. You’ve all been thinking “when the hell is cricketwithballs going to write about the trination series between Bangladesh, Pakistan and India, also known as the Kitply Cup?”. Well, here I am.

The word “trination” looks funny without a hyphen, doesn’t it?

I looked up Kitply; apparently it’s synonymous with plywood.

Anyway, the cricket. Now, I have a major, major soft spot for Bangladesh. It’s partly an instinctive pull toward supporting the underdog, and partly because they’re just so darned young and come from a nation that is cricket-mad.

Also, I have this wild dream that they’re going to end up being the dominant cricketing nation. Do not crush this dream with actual logical talk, readers, do not!

The thing with supporting Bangladesh, though, is that it’s hard. For every glorious World Cup victory over South Africa, there are many, many days when I am saddened by their performance.

Today was one of those sad days, as the Bangladesh Tigers/Daredevils/Toygers were teased, then trampled, by Pakistan.

Things that happened in this match:

Ashraful (who is greatly loved on this site) played a pretty good Test knock for his 50. Unfortunately, this was a 40-over innings with a pretty demanding asking rate. We needed the old, instinctive Ashraful, not the new thinking one.

Bangladesh did take all 10 Pakistani wickets. Misbah found an ordinary way to get out.

Younis Khan was run out without facing a ball.

Namespotters, here’s one for you: Dollar Mahmud played.


Some Toygers, (l – r): (1) keeping his eye on a steepling catch, (2) facing a quick one, (3) advancing far too far down the pitch.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jun 09 2008
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Champions League – exciting or meh? I just don’t know what to think

Just in time to raise the stakes for the English Twenty20 cup, a Twenty20 superleague has been announced, to take place in the Middle East or India, in September / October this year.

This will be for the top two domestic teams from each of England, Australia and South Africa, plus the IPL finalists.

Teams we already know will be there:

Western Australia
Victoria
Rajasthan Royals
Chennai Superkings
Dolphins (Natal)
Titans (Northern Transvaal)

Jrod is a bit meh about this. I was initially quite excited, because I’m the kind of person who gets excited over being given a free pen on a plane. I thought it would be cool to see, for example, Shane Warne leading the Rajasthan Royals against the Vics, and to see Bryce spin it to the likes of MS Dhoni.

However, just like that song they used to play during the mystery guest round in “A Question Of Sport”, there really are more questions than answers.

How are the player conflicts to be resolved, where a player could play for more than one team? (I’m hoping for rock, paper, scissors).

Where the flip is everybody else? the Lankans, the Windies, the Pakistanis, the Kiwis? And, for that matter, the Indian domestic non-IPL teams. It’s such a wierd mix, having some domestic teams and then the IPL teams. It’s not comparing like with like.

What is this FOR? A champions league in football (I mean soccer, Aussies) is one thing, where the rules on international players are very, very different to cricket. One reason for directly comparing football teams is to compare the playing standard across different countries, which plays a part in the transfer market.

Is it just for the fun? And will the raised stakes make the current English Twenty20 cup less fun?

The money. Ah, the money. The prize money for the winner is $USD5million. It makes the English Twenty20 prize money look like the spare change you find at the bottom of your handbag.

Today I watched Giles Clarke being interviewed and he said that a player that turned down a central contract would not be able to join the new superleague, to prevent them from forum-shopping.

So, it’s ok to play for a big-money prize so long as you yourself haven’t actively chosen to chase the money.

Like I said, more questions than answers.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged ,
Jun 02 2008
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New Surrey Post

I know, it’s been ages, I’m sorry – I’ve been distracted. And, to be honest, I’ve been waiting for Ramps’ hundredth hundred.

In the end I got so tired of waiting that I wrote a post about how he hasn’t got his hundredth hundred yet. It’s RIGHT HERE.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged , ,
Jun 01 2008
general balls

LIVE BLOG – IPL Final – Rajasthan’s Reply

A new post so that you don’t have to scroll down as much. So, Chennai Jedi Superkings Cigarettes put on 163 – 5 in their 20 overs. Warne talked, at the toss, about restricting them to 150 so Rajasthan haven’t done that but neither have Chennai stormed away with 180, although 163 is the highest score on this ground in this tournament.
So, definitely everything to play for! What can the Royals do?

SCROLL DOWN – YES DOWN – DOWN – FOR THE LIVE UPDATES
Any comments, let me know in the, um, comments. And remember, drink according to these guidelines.
To remind you, Chennai look like this: PA Patel (wicket), S Vidyut, SK Raina, MS Dhoni, CK Kapugedera, S Badrinath, JA Morkel, M Gony, L Balaji, M Muralitharan, M Ntini.
Rajasthan: Kamran Akmal (wicket), SA Asnodkar, YK Pathan, M Kaif, SR Watson, NK Patel, RA Jadeja, SK Warne, SK Trivedi, MM Patel, Sohail Tanvir.

OVER 1 – Ntini kicks off the bowling. Patel and Asnodkar are the batsmen. Nice tight over from Ntini. Score: 2 – 0.

Jrod says Now i know why they didn’t take Bryce McGain, cause he might of actually gotten a game. I assume (although I can’t be sure) that he’s talking about the Test, not the IPL.

OVER 2 – The rather delicious Gony is bowling. Run rate required – 8.6. FOUR! hit square from Asnodkar (whose name is very difficult to remember,if anyone has a mnemonic or something do let me have it), just out of Raina’s reach. FOUR! Vidyut doesn’t manage his dive right. Score: 14 – 0.

OVER 3 – Ntini. Still keeping it tidy. FOUR! nice little glance from Asnodkar. Score: 19 – 0.

OVER 4 – WICKET!!! Patel bowled Gony. DRINK! Ickle inside edge. New bat – Kamran Akmal, and he seems to have recovered from the nasty collision with Kaif from earlier. Gony is wearing a silver bangle on his right hand. How can he bowl with a silver bangle dangling around? Also the darker yellow round the collar of the Chennai shirts is very unappealing; looks like a sweat stain. FOUR! Flat slog from Asnodkar, although I won’t be sorry if he gets out because I am really struggling with his name. And his first name is Swapnil, which is redonkly counterintuitive to type. Score: 27 – 1.

Dave asks what we drink for a maiden. I reckon that’s a downed glass, don’t you?

OVER 5 – Ntini back. FOUR! Big one-bounce four from Asnodkar (it isn’t getting easier by the repetition). FOUR! whipped away fine by Akmal. Score: 36 – 1. RRR: 8.53. ARR (actual run rate): 7.2.

Q gives some great IPL trivia, much more interesting than all the Stuart MacGill talk that’s currently dominating the comments.

  • Each team has a member of the 20-20 world cup winning team – Dhoni (CSK) & Yusuf Pathan (RR).
  • Joginder Sharma who is not playing this game is in CSK’s squad is also a 20-20 world cup winner.
  • Sohail Tanvir and Kamran Akmal, both playing for RR, were part of the losing finalists in the 20-20 World Cup.
  • Younis Khan, not playing this match and a part of RR’s squad, was also a losing finalist.

OVER 6 – Gony bowling. Deepak says that he likes Asnodkar’s name. Deepak, I hate it, although I agree that he has no idea where his shots are going. Homer is still on Innuendo Watch and says to remind him to drink at high noon next time. Homer, I have that effect on people. Good over from Gony. Score: 41 – 1.

OVER 7 – Albie Morkel comes on and THANK FRICKIN CHRIST FOR THAT he gets Asnodkar first ball. WICKET!!!! Caught by Raina at point, for 28. Shane Watson is the new batsman (steady on, ladies). Morkel has lost his shoe and is now retying it, giving Nike a nice few seconds of footage. WICKET!!!!! Akmal RUN OUT by Ntini, laser accuracy to the stumps. Utter madness! there was never a run there! no need for third umpire, Akmal himself realised his mistake I think and didn’t even bother to throw himself down. Yusuf Pathan now in. Brilliant over for Chennai. Score: 44 – 3.

OVER 8 – Bowling change – Balaji on. Lakshmipathy Balajy. Now THERE’S a name I can get on board with. Yusuf Pathan, you may remember, was brought unexpectedly into the final of the world Twenty20 on the back of his domestic big-hitting, so can he pull things back a bit for the Royals? Chennai have Murali lurking in the wings too let’s not forget. FOUR – swatted baseball style past the bowler by Watson. Score: 51 – 3.

OVER 9 – Albie Morkel continues. And, thinks he has a wicket as Yusuf spoons one in the air and Parthiv catches it! BUT NO! – caught off a leg bye as it took Yusuf on the head, but Billy Bowden didn’t signal the leg bye, but the upshot of it all is that Yusuf lives to fight another day. FOUR! Lovely shot from Shane Watson, all timing. Score: 61 – 3.

OVER 10 – Balaji. FOUR! Yusuf comes down the pitch, flicks it square. FOUR! Yusuf absolutely creams one that Murali can’t stop despite only having to move a few metres to the left to get to it. FOUR! Shane hits a cheeky fine boundary. Yusuf is cold eyed, focussed. Score: 75 – 3. RRR: 8.9. ARR: 7.5.

OVER 11 – MURALI! Murali is here! HUGE lbw shout first ball v Yusuf, Bowden is having none of it. YUSUF DROPPED!!!!! He hits it high, Raina runs to get underneath it but fumbles it. Gaah! What could that cost? Q, I have corrected my earlier Shane / Yusuf mix-up! Score: 80 – 3.

OVER 12 – Morkel is back. He had quite an impact in his first over. Ooh – No-ball, what looked like a missed catching chance, 2 runs, and a free hit, and the first instance this game of the phrase “the line belongs to the umpire”. But well bowled, no runs off the free hit. SACHIN SIGHTING! Drink 2 fingers, everyone. Score: 87 – 3.

Dave likes the way Fleming says “Kapugedera”. Dave, I like the way he says everything.

OVER 13 – Murali continues. Royals need 76 off 47. Q asks how many fingers to drink for spotting Sreesanth. None, but you have to administer a mock-slap to the next person you see. SIX! DLF MAXIMUM! That was a huge hit from Yusuf! 50 partnership up. AND AGAIN! SIX! That was even huger! they’re talking about Murali – Yusuf being the big battle, well right now Yusuf is having a good time of it. Score: 102 – 3. At this point Chennai were 97 – 3.

OVER 14 – Gony back. Royals need 62 off 42 and almost got 4 of them but Ntini just stopped it hitting the ropes. Yusuf DROPPED! dropped caught and bowled. Dropped on 13 and 33. Oooh a little bit of something going on between Vidyut and Shane Watson. Good over from Gony. Score: 107 for 3.

OVER 15 – Royals need 57 off 36. Murali back. WICKET!!!! Bowls Shane Watson. Shane got 28 off 19. New bat: Mohammad Kaif. Comes in and has a chat with Yusuf with words from the dug out, presumably saying “hit it! just hit it!”. Score: 112 – 4.

OVER 16 – Royals need 52 off 30. Balaji Balaji Balaji returns. They’re describing him as the weak link, but they haven’t had to repeatedly type Asnodkar. FOUR! Lovely shot from Yusuf, who knows what he has to do, and the fielder fumbles it onto the boundary. Full toss and SIX!!! DLF MAXIMUM!!! Drink! Score: 125 – 4.

OVER 17 – Royals need 39 off 24. Murali continues. And DLF MAXIMUM SIX!!!! from Kaif. His earlier collision with Akmal hasn’t affected his eye, it appears. SIX!!!! DLF!! Fifty up for Yusuf. If he brings them home, he’s my man of the match, for this and for his wickets. WICKET!!! Kaif bowled Murali caught Dhoni. Score: 139 – 5.

OVER 18 – Royals need 25 off 18. And the words “eminently gettable” spring to mind. Jadeja is the new bat. Morkel comes back into the attack and… WICKET!!!! another wicket on the first ball of an over for him. Golden duck for Jadeja! OMG! New bat: SHANE KEITH WARNE. No-ball! Free hit, Warney to take it. Yusuf and Shane have a chat. Presumably Shane says “I’ll just hit it” and they take a single off it, Warne keeping himself off strike. GAAH! There’s a mix up between the bats, Warne doesn’t respond to Murali’s call, could have been a run out but Yusuf runs in front of the stumps, Morkel stands in the wrong place, no run out. And now Murali is hurt. O noes!

BUT: NEXT BALL THIS HAPPENS: the bats try to take a single, Suresh Raina throws LIKE A FRICKIN DEMON and runs out Yusuf. Chennai are going crazy! Pathan goes for 56!

New bat: Sohail Tanveer. Now he can smack it around a bit. The batsmen have the “just hit it!” chat between themselves. Score: 146 – 7.

OVER 19 – Royals need 18 off 12. Dhoni turns to Ntini. It’s anybody’s game, although Jrod still fancies the Vics and pities the fool who comes between Warne and a trophy, and we are talking about the blingiest trophy on earth here. The commentator is giving far too much detail about perspiration. Ntini folds his sleeves up to show how serious he is. FOUR! Warne gets one through. Score: 156 – 7.

Who will get the last over? remember Joginder Sharma in the World T20? Will Dhoni go for Balaji?

OVER 20 – Royals need 8 from 6. And he HAS gone for Balaji! Tanveer takes the strike. Ball by ball now.

  • 1. A single brings Warne on strike. If it’s drawn, it’s a bowl-out.
  • 2. Dot.
  • 3. Single.
  • 4. Six to get. Will Tanveer go for it? Slower delivery dribbles along, A WIDE!
  • 4. Single.
  • 5. Two! SCORES LEVEL!
  • 6. Tanveer on strike. SACHIN SIGHTING! Drink. And… SINGLE!!!

RAJASTHAN ROYALS WIN BY 3 WICKETS!!! Wow, WHAT a final! The Royals are mobbing Shane and Tanveer! Brilliant stuff!

Dhoni draws his team together for a huddle. The Royals are congratulating each other and especially Yusuf, who’s been my MOTM for sure. The Royals are revelling in this and Shane is now bringing over all his team to join him in the middle – what a captain, what a story.

Right, I am going to love you and leave you now. Thank you for all your comments and for running with my very first OBO – it’s been a blast. A DLF Maximum blast.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged , ,
Jun 01 2008
general balls

LIVE BLOG: Actual in-depth review of the IPL Final

Dear balls fans

I am bravely taking a huge leap into the unknown, and will be LIVE BLOGGING the IPL Final. It starts at 3.30pm UK time, so stay with me, refresh this page every few minutes and send me your comments if you fancy. SCROLL DOWN – YES DOWN – FOR THE LIFE UPDATES.

To raise the stakes even further, I will be adhering to these guidelines.

Suave says “Let’s see how you’re doing in three hours time!”. Quite… let’s hope for no hat-tricks, for my sake.

Spunout says: “I’m liking all this live blogging – it’s as if CwB is the new Cricinfo”. The Jrod doesn’t like this idea. I am more worried about Spunout’s level of expectation.

This blog will, in nostalgic memory for the old-style Guardian OBO, be a “scroll down – yes DOWN – for updates” blog. Jrod reckons this is bloody stupid and that the English place tradition above common sense.

Spunout says Do you think we could have some graphs, like the Guardian? Here’s one to get you started, even though it has nothing to do with the IPL”. Spunout is correct in that graph has nothing to do with the IPL, but there will be no graphs. You will be lucky enough to get words.

If you want something to think about during the boring shots of the cheerleaders, why not ponder on who might be the most babyfaced wicket keeper out of Parthiv Patel, Kamran Akmal, Denesh Ramdin and Mushfiqur Rahim?

Dave says “If I had a baby that looked like Kamran Akmal, I’d put it up for adoption”. Dave, adoption agencies have it hard enough as it is.

Food / drink update: I have a bottle of cava and a huge bowl of noodles to get me through the afternoon.

So, Rajasthan v Chennai. There’s been some kind of closing ceremony and they’re currently clearing up after that. The commentator says the IPL will be back next year, “probably with some of England’s stars”.

The post-ceremony clear-up is actually delaying the start. Is anyone actually capable of organising anything properly these days?

The presenter just pronounced “Wankhede” in a very rude way.

Oh damnit, we’ve missed the toss because they went to a commercial break. Warne wins, Rajasthan will bowl first.

Team news: Chennai look like this: PA Patel (wicket), S Vidyut, SK Raina, MS Dhoni, CK Kapugedera, S Badrinath, JA Morkel, M Gony, L Balaji, M Muralitharan, M Ntini.
Rajasthan: Kamran Akmal (wicket), SA Asnodkar, YK Pathan, M Kaif, SR Watson, NK Patel, RA Jadeja, SK Warne, SK Trivedi, MM Patel, Sohail Tanvir. Graeme Smith is hurt.

Pitch: an odd colour, apparently. White. This is a pitch report that even I could do. Openers are encouraged by Sunil to try to get on the front foot. Damien Fleming is there, wearing a green Indian outfit. Arun Lal is in purple. Oh they just did a cheesy “yeah” thing together.

Warne gives good interview doesn’t he. Managed to say, with a perfectly straight face, that he has enjoyed the company of Graeme Smith. Wants to restrict Chennai to 150.

If there’s any justice, Rajasthan should win this.

Spunout says “Every time Warne says Chennai, I think he’s saying ‘Jedi’ – now THAT would be a 20/20 match worth watching”. Spunout, why they didn’t call themselves the Chennai Jedi I do not know.

OMGPONIES! A Sachin sighting! As per the drinking game post, that’s 2 fingers.

THE CRICKET IS STARTING!!!

Patel and Vidyut are out to bat. Tanvir has the ball. Has an economy rate of about 6 an over.

OVER 1 – Bowden and Koertzen are the umpires. Babyface Patel is facing. Big LBW shout first ball. FOUR! wristily out to fine leg. The fielder is moving in so less square. Rajasthan’s kit makes them look like Lankans. Score: 6 – 0.

Jrod says “Ryan Campbell bagged Fleming for wearing a dress, not very PC, but that is why i love him”. I think Fleming looks kinda hot in the dress.

OVER 2 - Shane “nudie pics please” Watson is bowling. The lighting is DEEPLY unflattering on his complexion. Bowls a short one, gives a long stare and an “ooooh”. He can’t really pull that off, just looks a bit gay. FOUR! Score: 12 – 0.

Q says “It looks like the commentating team have a wedding to attend after the match…Did anyone read what Brett Geeves had to say when he attended Dilshan’s wedding in Delhi?”. Q, I think they look pretty. I missed the Brett Geeves thing – wanna enlighten?

OVER 3 – Munaf Patel is bowling. Chennai work the singles. Goodness me Ravi Shastri is a handsome man. Score: 16 – 0.

Q says: Its a strange one for the mumbai gay website Uncle J talked about recently – they would want to see Watson bowl well and beat the batsmen, but they wouldn’t want to see Akmal holding on to Watson’s balls… Q! Naughty!

OVER 4 – Watson is still on. FOUR! Also some pretty good fielding from Rajasthan, that’s the second time someone has flung themselves in front of a certain 4. SIX! DLF MAXIMUM! That’s 2 fingers of my drink. Score: 29-0.

Jrod is wondering whether I am doing the OBO properly, with my scrolldown format. I am doing the OLD-STYLE Guardian OBO format, so that it reads like a story, because thats the way (uhuh uhuh) I like it (uhuh uhuh).

Q gives me this: “”It was mesmeric. The music, the clothes that they wore, the atmosphere was completely a new experience for me.” A dazzled Brett Geeves speaks after attending Tillakaratne Dilshan’s wedding in New Delhi”. Brett, did they give you something special to smoke as well?

OVER 5 – Munaf stays on. SACHIN SIGHTING! 2 fingers, everybody. FOUR! Apparently Munaf can be predictable with his length. No lady likes that. Score: 39-0.

Homer says: “need to change the drinking guidelines Miriam (at the rate Chennai are going, I will barely be done with a glass by half time)..Can we have a finger for a four?”. Homer, I hear ya. I’m counting on the Sachin sightings getting me through.

OVER 6 – Yusuf Pathan is on. WICKET!!!!!!!!! Vidyut OUT, Bowled Pathan, good diving catch by Jadeja. I am glad I don’t have to type Vidyut’s first name. He got 16. Raina is in. Another babyface. Big LBW shout against Patel (the batsmen crossed). Score:42 – 1.

The comments are coming in quick and fast so I have to stop quoting them, but will paraphrase. Q asks if I saw Aamir Khan with his nephew. No, but how many fingers does one drink for that? Dave also asks what DLF stands for. I think it’s “Dear Little Friend” as per The Chronicles of Narnia. Jrod notes this blog’s history re Ravi Shastri fancying, and I say long may that continue.

OVER 7 – Siddarth Trivedi is on. GOOD NAME. Ooh, good face too. FOUR! I hope you all downed your drinks at the fall of wicket. Q enlightens us again: DLF is Delhi Land and Finance. Nearly a run out but Patel flings himself into the dirt and is safe. Score: 51-1.

Does anyone know how to make the text a bit smaller, or compressed?

OVER 8 – Warnie Warnie Warnie. Q has corrected some of my errors, and I have edited them accordingly. Jrod wants me to call Trivedi “Mr 15%”. Chennai / Jedi work a single a ball. Score: 57-1.

OVER 9 – Yusuf Pathan back. Has apparently been “tickled around a bit”, say the commentators. I agree with Homer, who asks if they have become Tony Greig. Q asks Jrod to explain the Mr 15% reference. Jrod? FOUR! BUT: WICKET!!!!! Patel OUT bowled Pathan c Akmal! What a hilarious dismissal! we all thought it was a missed stumping because of the way it bobbled around but it was in fact a catch! both wickets to Pathan so far. DRINK UP!

OVER 10 – Warnie! DLF mention, that’s 1 finger. and a DLF Maximum Six from Raina! it’s “gone the distance”! it’s alcoholic carnage. Score: 75 – 2.

Apparently the 15% is a reference to Trivedi’s action. Mel asks if I am going commando. Mel, I am fully dressed, and have put my hair in a ponytail to show how serious I am.

OVER 11 – Pathan, who has indeed stepped up for the Royals, I agree Q, continues. He’s economical as houses at the moment. 77 – 2.

Q asks who invited Sachin (re his alcohol consumption). I’m just glad SRK isn’t here.

OVER 12 – Warne back. Arul Lal is interviewing one of the franchise owners. I personally would prefer to see Warne bowl, but hey. SIX!!! Another DLF Maximum Six! from Morkel. That was indeed huge. I have to say, I love the combo of Warne and Akmal’s appealing. 87-2.

Re SRK, it’s a good thing he’s, as Dave points out, busy being such a “wonderful human being”, because otherwise I’d need to chill a few more bottles of cava.

OVER 13 – Pathan continues. SIX but NOT a DLF six. Albie smacks a big one and Watson kindly tips it over the boundary for him. WICKET!!!!! AND, OUCH, painful looking collision between fielders! Morkel gone. Bowled Pathan (that man again) caught eventually by Kamran Akman who currently looks to be in a fair bit of pain actually. Kaif, the other fielder, took one in the head too. People are getting medical treatment, but the commentator is taking positives and noting that a wicket has been taken. Dhoni has come on and is taking to Warnie. Cos Rajasthan have no other keeper, you see. I will keep you posted…

Akmal gets up, dusts himself off, continues, but Kaif has left the field. MS Dhoni is the new batsman. Score: 97 – 3.

OVER 14 – Mr 15% Trivedi is on. Watson saves the boundary. Sachin Sighting! Q thinks Warney looks tense, Jrod reckons Warney looks relaxed. SIX! to Raina. Just clears Jadeja on the boundary. Trivedi does the Shaun Pollock loopy slow bouncer rather nicely. Score: 109-3.

OVER 15 - Warne on, looking to cause Dhoni some trouble. Dhoni responds with a big SIX! straight down the ground, that has “gone the distance”, but NOT a DLF six. Score: 117-3 and that’s it for Warney’s bowling today.

OVER 16 – Tanvir back. Damien Fleming describes him as “a man of exquisite skill and prominent chin”. I thought I’d misheard him, but no, he went on to make a Jay Leno joke. Oh. my. god. the bling on the trophy is FRICKIN UNBELIEVABLE. FOUR Raina straight down the ground. Oh, Raina’s shirt number is wrong so part of it is obscured by elastoplast. I think that’s 2 fingers, people. Score: 127 – 3.

OVER 17 – Shane Watson on. Fleming notes, as Watson and Warne talk, that they are “the 2 peroxide blondes in action”. Lal / Fleming are wondering whether Tanvir should have been brought back on sooner. WICKET!! Raina out hitting it high and straight down the ground but not getting the distance. Bowled Watson caught Jadeja. New bat – Kapugedera. A Lankan! Lal/Fleming are now complaining about the time taken to bowl this order. Well it suits me fine, gives me time to type. Score: 130 – 4.

OVER 18 – Tanvir. Q, if you would like to amend the drinking game guidelines to involve every celebrity sighting, be my guest. Jrod notes that Damien Fleming is an “eastern suburbs” man and I get the impression this isn’t a compliment. Jrod, the first podcast, people said you sounded like him but you don’t. FOUR at the end of the over. Score: 139 – 4.

OVER 19 – Watson back on. Q notes that Lal/Fleming are moaning about penalising the bowling team, but that the match started late. Good point Q. Ooh, a shot of a wistful Graeme Smith. Kapugedera is having a good swipe at everything. Jadeja is having an excellent day in the field, saves another sure-fire boundary. 148 – 4.

OVER 20 – Tanvir. WICKET!!! Kapugedera hits one down the ground and it’s caught a few metres in from the boundary by Asnodkar. Badrinath is the new bat. SIX!!! Dhoni creams one straight. DLF! Anonymous notes, re Q wanting more reasons to drink, that it’s a shame Bangalore didn’t get through because one Misbah dismissal would have sorted him out. Q notes a hattrick is still on the cards (although not this innings). FOUR!! 3 fielders FLING themselves at Badrinath’s shot in comedy fashion but no-one gets there.

END OF INNINGS: 163 – 5. All to play for, I’d say! Game on. Homer is on Innuendo Spot today; Lal did indeed just suggest that Tanvir hits the blockhole and keeps ramming it in.

Join me in a few minutes for Rajasthan’s reply!

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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