Tagged with michael vaughan …

Apr 14 2009
ashes, county cricket, poms

England lose the ashes, in record time

Usually the Ashes cannot be lost until the tests have been played. England couldn’t wait.

They had three number 3 candidates, and were busting to try them against players born in Australia. Their scores were 12, 12 and 5.

A player by the name of Callum Thorp, who played about 15 or so games for Western Australia, took down Key and Vaughan.

Bell chose another, he went out to Mitchell Claydon, and sent many cricket journalists to the internet to see who the hell he is. Turns out another Australian playing on a British passport. God bless those relatives.

Thorp went to play in England with a first class average of over 50, for Durham he averages 22. By taking down Rob Key he might have ruined any chance that the likeable rotund batsman will have a future test career.

For Vaughan it is not so simple. People have been saying he needs to make a lot of runs for Yorkshire to be picked, but the first test squad against the Windies is probably going to be announced before he gets a chance to make any runs for Yorkshire.

This was his only chance to impress, but he has the added advantage of being Michael Vaughan, which impresses automatically.

Mitchell Claydon, born in New South Wales, has a bowling average of over 50 after 7 first class games, but his wicket of Bell will be enough to keep Bell in county cricket for the season unless injuries intervene.

Some would think that with these guys all failing to score any decent runs to Shield Second XI players, that they wouldn’t be a chance to play. Not so.

Not even the fact that Bell hasn’t made runs since American Pie jokes were tolerable, Key averaged 30 in county cricket last year, and Michael Vaughan’s test career turning into him making an art out of missing the straight ones is enough to stop these guys from still being the front runners for the empty number three slot.

Well not empty, Owais Shah still holds it. Owais Shah didn’t play in this game, (a combined MCC XI Vs last year’s champions Durham) and that was great for him. He would now be the favourite to bat number three against the Windies, and barring him running himself out or cramping up, should make runs against them and have the spot against Australia as well.

Although we should never discount the English selectors making a delightfully rash decision.

You might think Vaughan is a delightfully rash decision, but the truly delightfully rash decision would be Mark Ramprakash, the best number 3 in County cricket, scorer of one hundred hundreds, winner of dancing contests and many a middle aged woman’s heart.

If not him, then I am sure Darren Eyelids Pattinson could bat at three.

Remember to support the balls in the Ashes charity match spectacular.

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Apr 12 2009
county cricket, poms

Jesus still in cave

Micheal Vaughan made 12 agaisnt Durham.

I know.

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Apr 10 2009
aussies, poms

Pick your jesus

It’s the easter weekend, which is the one where Christians remember the time when Jesus died and came back as a scary as bunny.

So your task this easter is to pick your own Jesus, personal or not.

Last year it was the Krab katich.

The contestants are former cricketers who are hell bent of being reborn in a cave and coming back as a bunny.

This year you can pick from two.

One has dodgy knees, cried, quit the captaincy, couldn’t buy a run in 08, and can fix all the problems of english cricket.

The other has dodgy knees, antisocial tendencies, enjoys drinking and fishing, fights with his team mates, and has spent alot of time on couches this year.

Who is your Jesus, Michael Vaughan or Andrew Symonds.

You need to work out what sort of Jesus you want, if you want the holier than thou class jesus, MPV is your man.

If your idea of jesus was a rebel who took no shit from no mortal, and turned water into piss, perhaps Roy is your man.

Take some time to think about it, eat some steak, and then make your decision.

I’m sorry these are the only choices, but Stephen Fleming has stayed retired.

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Apr 09 2009
ashes, poms

Someone aussies may be afraid of

Yesterday I wrote all about how afraid of MPV all Australians are.

But there is one man from the 2005 Ashes that will actually send chills down the spines of some.

Simon Jones, the old gabba knee reverse swinging male model himself.

He is fit again, sort of, and ready to push out Amjad Khan or Ryan Sidebottom.

Surely a fit Simon Jones playing is a much more dangerous weapon than the non-captaining Vaughan.

At his age, without a stroppy resignation from the top job on his record and with the ability to be a handful with an old ball, Australia would much rather MPV in at 3 and Simon Jones playing county cricket.

Yet Simon Jones couldn’t crack it for the top 25 Ashes hopefuls.

The England Performance Squad:
Tim Ambrose, James Anderson, Ian Bell, Ravi Bopara, Stuart Broad, Paul Collingwood, Alastair Cook, Andrew Flintoff, James Foster, Stephen Harmison, Robert Key, Amjad Khan, Dimitri Mascarenhas, Sajid Mahmood, Monty Panesar, Samit Patel, Kevin Pietersen, Matthew Prior, Adil Rashid, Owais Shah, Andrew Strauss, Ryan Sidebottom, Graeme Swann, Michael Vaughan, Luke Wright.

Vaughan did, ofcourse.

Jones is oviously less of a Ashes threat than Dimi Mascarenhas or Luke Wright.

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Apr 08 2009
ashes, poms

Hide your children aussies

Michael Vaughan is going to come back.

There is no stopping the Vaughanernaut now.

The Guardian has been on the case all week.

He made runs in some exotic land for Yorkshire and that is more than enough.

He is back, and as everyone knows Australia cannot handle the raw brainpower of Vaughan, remember when he won that series.

And the other one when he made all those runs.

Sure it was 7 knee operations and a semi retirement ago, but with Vaughan at number 3 that magically papers over any cracks that the English team might have had.

Not saying they had any, but if they did he would fix them.

He is just that good, he won the 2005 ashes on his own, it was an amazing achievement, especially as no test team had won a test before with one man in it, but Vaughan is just that good.

There is a rumour that KP and Freddie will be rested for the Ashes if Vaughan is fit.

No point risking their fitness when Vaughan is around to win the game.

Andrew Strauss might as well be shot; he is just that superfluous now.

England don’t even need a coach, Vaughan is back, save your money ECB, in fact the ECB is no longer necessary, Vaughan is here to plug all gaps and make everything better.

The Australian camp is already running scared, they thought he was gone, their arch nemesis, their Gargamel, but alas he is back to win the series, take their women, and scar their children.

He is more than a cricketer, he is a force of nature, and even though he averaged 24 in his last year in test cricket, there has never been a figure that can scare Australia like this man can.

I don’t see how England can lose with Vaughan around, can you?

Ricky Ponting is probably spitting harder into his hands right now than he has ever done.

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Jan 02 2009
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KP makes his move

KP is testing the faith.

He is 3 tests into his career, has not won a live test, has been smashed 5 zip in one dayers by India and lost 20 million crackers.

He also slipped in a de pantsting of South Africa in a one day series that they had already mentally check out of.

Now he wants Michael Vaughan in, Peter Moores out.

It’s that simple.

KP is stamping his foot, like a trophy bride in size 8 manolo blahniks looking for a new diamond necklake

The problem for most English cricket fans is they can only agree with 50% of KP’s demands.

There are some fans who want Moores out.

There are a lot of fans who don’t want to see Vaughan back.

But the amount of people who want Moores out and Vaughan back would be small.

So KP is working without the support of fans or media, and without any great success behind him.

Moores may not have a great record either, but it’s not as if Vaughan’s recent work has even existed.

KP is walking into the ECB naked, holding a mini bat, but still rocking it with that amazing KP confidence that no scientist could ever explain.

That is how KP works.

There are no great brainstorming sessions, or lists with the pros and cons.

He just jumps in without thinking.

It seems to have worked so far.

But being a cricket captain with a sub par record you need a little finesse, you need a lightness of touch, and you need to bend over and take the occasional reaming.

KP doesn’t strike me as someone who would like to do that, from anyone other than Mrs KP and a rubber aid.

Going in heavy handed at this stage, for a dude who hasn’t played any cricket to prove his selection could be a massive mistake.

If we know one thing about KP as a leader, he is a star players captain, Harmy, Shah, and Freddy have already felt the warm hand of Kp’s support tugging on their career.

And doing this may make the team come together, ofcourse if Moores gets the ass because of it, they may separate like Berlin.

The Probots on one side, the talent on the other.

In a fight to the death.

One that KP might win, but if he gets his way, gets a new coach, and gets Vaughan, and Vaughan fails and England loses, what is KP’s fall back position.

Zimbabwe?

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Dec 29 2008
Uncategorized

The highest paid cricket writer in the world gets snubbed

Michael Vaughan that is.

Not Peter Roebuck.

Although no one cares about Roebuck in general.

Vaughan has been left out of the team to the Caribbean.

That is unfair, after all the runs he made to get back into the team.

And to rub salt into his cheque book, the young leggie from Yorkshire Adil Rashid has been picked.

Ofcourse Vaughan might still play in the next ashes, which is a hope all Australian fans are holding onto.

If Vaughan doesn’t play in the ashes, I think my friend over at the village cricketer will be willing to slip him into his team.

He will have to part with some of that hard earned contract money.

It wasn’t as if there was no place to fit him in either, England are taking 2 keepers, 3 spinners and 1 Bell over.

There are at least 3 spots free then.

Vaughan may be paying the price for the fact he batted like a busted asshole at the end of his captaincy reign.

Although that doesn’t explain Ian Bell’s selection.

Nothing does though.

Its not too late for England to pick Vaughan as non playing member as the squad.

Also known as a free holiday.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 24 2008
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does he fail in his dreams

Cricketers often have rich dreams and brilliant fantasies.

That is why they all write such genius books.

It’s all the spare time sitting in the sheds you see.

And very few people have had more time in the sheds than Vaughan.

But instead of writing a book, he tells the media of his fantasies.

Regaining his spot in the English team.

As if English cricket wasn’t at a low enough ebb.

Vaughan wants a trip to the Caribbean.

I suggest all English fans to chip in and buy him a ticket, get him a nice hotel, and make sure its not an island they play cricket on.

The English team needs to shake him off.

He had his time, sometimes he did great, sometimes he did bad.

But England does not need an ex player who has decided at 34 he wants back in.

This is not a carousel Michael.

England need top class batsmen, not guys who were once, but now go golfing mid season.

By the time he gets back in the side he will be 35, so are England building a team for the now, or for the now and beyond.

There is no guarantee his batting is going to come back to him.

There is no guarantee his presence wont get on the nerves of KP.

And there is no guarantee he wont get bowled while looking like a text book.

I understand leaving test cricket must be hard, but is he coming back because he thinks it is best for the team, or best for him.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Oct 01 2008
Uncategorized

English Awards part two

With the Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs awards handed out yesterday, today we move to the Britney Spears and Andy Warhol awards.

The Britney Award is given to the player who had the most spectacular career disaster this year.

Shoaib Ahktar’s fall from grace with Surrey was good, but in truth his fall from grace was well before Surrey, it was probably around the time of his conception.

Michael Vaughan went from test captain to county struggler in a couple of weeks, so much so that he withdrew from the last game to give Yorkshire a chance.

Simon Jones played like demon, then he returned to where he is more comfortable, the physio’s table.

The winner is Rikki Clarke though, for his stupid back lift, his uncomfortable air, and shitting him self when captaining. He is now at his 3rd club inside of 12 months.

The Andy Warhol award is for those cricketers who perform for 15 minutes when people are watching.

Dawid Malan, the batsman with the silly name has everyone talking, on the back of one innings. He could be England’s Adam Voges.

Graham Napier is the weirdest looking dude you will ever see, and he hit about 400 sixes in one innings, lucky sky were there, it almost booked him a trip to Stanford, even though he has been ordinary since.

But the Winner goes to Liam Dawson, my man, who was on sky like 4 times in 10 days, and performed with wickets and runs every time, the only other considerable thing he did all year was in the last county game of the year, which just happened to be televised.

More awards to come.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Sep 26 2008
Uncategorized

A rumour about Hampshire

This is probably not true.

But.

Apparently Vaughan and Fletcher are going to Hampshire as a package deal.

Imagine that.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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