Tagged with michael klinger …

Sep 18 2010
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champion's league

Klinger sings

The first time I heard about Michael Klinger we were both 16.

Now we are both old.

At 16 Klinger was a batting prodigy, and I was a dodgy leg spinner with a bad attitude.

Over the years I always wanted him to do well for Victoria.

It rarely happened.

Generally he would make a slow start, almost stop scoring, and then stay at the crease for a while before going out.

It was painful, no one liked it.

This went on for almost 10 years.

It got to the point where I named him the Hebrew Hammer; part out of satire and part out of hope.

It still didn’t work.

Then he went to South Australia and he made more slow runs in one season than it seemed he had in years.

It seemed a match made in heaven, the poor state side and the immovable batsman.

Last season Klinger continued his turgid batting.

Before the champions league it was probably almost three years since I’ve seen him bat, but boy, has he grown a pair of Teflon balls.

He isn’t just batting in the champions league, he’s fucken well leading the whole league in scoring.

In t20.

A form of cricket that is alien to him as Sunday mass is to me.

Every time I’ve seen him bat in this tournament he has kicked ass, and this is a man who used to fret over nudges off his hip. And then go out.

It’s like seeing your boring ex-girlfriend flirting in a bar with dozens of men when she wouldn’t even let you tie her up or watch her piss.

10 years I spent watching Klinger fuck about.

10 years.

Now he has gone off and become some sort of multifaceted professional batsman, while all I got is the misery of watching him take forever to fail.

I believe the only explanation for this is that some alien slug has entered his anus and is now controlling his every move.

Because we may test for performance enhancing drugs, but no one tests for manipulative alien slugs.

We should, because it is the most obvious answer to his change of fortune.

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Dec 21 2009
aussies

Pick Ed Cowan

With Ricky Ponting possibly missing the boxing day test, Australia need a replacement.

A few names have been chucked around.

George Bailey. Smiles alot, finally having his break out season.

Shaun Marsh. Used to drink alot, finally making regular runs this season.

Michael Klinger. Makes alot of runs, usually by putting attacks to sleep.

Phil Hughes. Made a hundred recently, against an attack with Andrew McDonald opening the bowling.

Any random NSWales player. Due a cap, Usman to debut against Pakistanis could be tough.

Mark Cosgrove. Is making lots of runs, is eating lots of pizzas.

Mitchell Marsh. Is the talk of the town, has made no FC hundreds.

Adam Voges.  Has no weddings planned, is missing a few runs.

David Hussey. Imagine that, no I can’t.

I am sure all of these players will get someone tooting their horn if Ponting’s arm doesn’t come good.

But fuck them all (sorry FPM).

I think Australia should go in a completely different direction altogether.

They need a cricketer who doesn’t take himself too seriously, one who has made over 500 runs in 6 games this year, one without corporate ambitions, and one who likes You Am I.

The choice is simple.

Smooth Eddie Cowan.

He is now officially sanctioned by cricket with balls.

Mr Hilditch, you may select him, smooth Eddie for Boxing day.

And he isn’t even Victorian.

The ashes book.

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May 19 2009
ashes

The Australian Squad for the Ashes in a parallel universe

The test squad for the Ashes seems pretty worked out, bar the two all rounders.

But what of the parallel universe, as they prepare for their series, we take a look through the wormhole at the make up of their team.

In that universe they pick squads on Tuesday. Obviously.

M North (captain) – Having cemented his captaincy after Shane Warne’s retirement he fires up the team with sensible slogans and common sense captaincy.

C White (vice captain) – When Cameron is not poisoning North’s meals he is the number 7 Australia has been waiting for since Ian Harvey retired, and his big turning leg breaks are unplayable.

S Katich – This stylish batsman doesn’t make many runs, but when he makes runs, the whole world sighs in orgasmic delight.

M Klinger – Struggling to perform as a Jew, Klinger has had the best run of his life since converting to Satanism.

B Hodge – Although suspected in the deaths of many of Australia’s best young batsmen, Hodge has never been charged, and his form is as good as ever. The selectors love his good nature ribbing.

D Hussey – Inspired by the tragic auto erotic asphyxiation of his brother, David becomes the worlds most dominant stroke maker.

M Cosgrove – Even though Cosgrove’s form is poor, he is selected for the tour on the basis that he gets his weight back up to over 120kgs. Coach Darren Lehmann remains confident he can gain the weight and form.

D Christian – Australia decide to follow the South African example and set a quota of one Aboriginal player in every test. After poor results bringing Jason Gillespie and Ryan Campbell out of retirement, they settle for Dan Christian, and find that he is shit hot.

L Carseldine – Is now technically steel than flesh, but the ICC is slow to move on banning bionic cricketers, and Lee’s metal torso body and titanium legs will be allowed in the ashes.

C Hartley – Is the best keeper in the world, averages 12 with the bat, but everyone knows you take the best keeper regardless of batting quality.

S Tait – Australia finally get the best out of Shaun Tait by employing Rodney Hogg as his full time carer. The two fall in love and get married in the lunacy room.

B McGain – Was humiliated by losing his test spot in South Africa after missing the flight over, but is fired up to star in his first test against England.

M Inness – Even though he had retired, experts realise that Matthew’s first class average was 2fucken5 and pick him for the tour.

D Pattinson – The man the Ashes hopes rely on. His 26 wickets against South Africa in only 3 tests was just about perfect fast bowling.

D Marsh – Some would say that Dan is an odd choice, especially since he is retired, but Chief Selector Rod Marsh said “we needed a hard bastard to toughen these fuckers up”.  Is picked to be the back up keeper/spinner/batsman.

They should do well against Rob Key’s England.

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Feb 03 2009
general balls

Mark Nicholas Night

And the winner is, Michael Clarke, he gets to take home AB.

True Ricky Ponting also won the Allan Border Medal, but being that he is being rested against his will, Michael Clarke wins an award and gets an audition is CEO of Cricket Australia pty ltd.

I didn’t get to see the Allan Border medal this year, but I am sure it went something like last years award.

Michael Klinger was awarded state player of the year for his Jeykll & Hyde performance.Victoria should claim this award, as he played for half the year with us, and we gave him 10 years work experience.

Phillip Hughes won young player of the year, which is quite an effort for someone who hasn’t played for Australia yet, although Peter Siddle is Victorian, and does look old.

Michael Clarke was Australia’s test player of the year, he should give the award to Shane Watson for breaking down 2 years back and giving him the gig back.

Nathan Bracken was Australia’s one day player of the year, he thanked Chaminda Vaas.

Shelley Nitschke was the women’s player of the year, she had this to say “The irrationality of a thing is no argument against its existence, rather a condition of it.”

The awards have shown how sad a state Australian cricket is in, two South Australians won awards, and the rest were NSWelshmen. Shocking.

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Dec 12 2008
general balls

Redbacks go Paki (australian use of the word, not the english racist version) crazy

When I was in Australia no one seemed to care much about Pakistanis.

I blamed it all on a guy who played at my club who would appeal and send you off in the nets by the Salman.

No one liked Salman, ofcourse little of this had to do with his nationality, and mostly the sending off in the nets, and for those few unlucky enough to bat with him, his complete lack of single taking when he was facing until the last ball of the over.

But now Salman, or as I tried to nick name him, the big fish, has departed from club cricket, Pakistanis are finally getting a fair go.

It all stared with Usman Khawaja from NSWales.

Who in being picked for NSWales, has been the first Pakistani born cricketer to ever play for Australia, if you catch my drift.

Then South Australia couldn’t find any more talented players in NSWales or Victoria, so they went looking overseas, and found Younis Elvis Khan.

Khan has contributed a respectable 217 runs (one hungy, one fitty) @ 43 in 3 matches, but has spent most of his time watching the Hebrew Hammer Klinger bat.

So he has really earnt his money.

But he has other commitments mid season, or whatever, and so South Australia thought they would dip back into the well, and since its 2020 season, and Graham Napier is buys in Wellington they have picked Sohail Tanvir (subject to the indians not touring Pakistan).

The worlds best 2020 bowler, just pipping out Dirty Dirk Nannes for the title.

Since when has Adelaide been so into the brown sugar?

Since they produced Australia’s first ever aboriginal test cricketer, I spose, but this season they will have had one aboriginal player in my man daniel christian, and two Pakistanis.

Not too mention Michael Klinger, who is not called the Hebrew Hammer because he looks like Adam Goldberg.

They will perhaps be the most multicultural first class team in Australia since Richard Chee Quee (China), played alongside Greg Matthews (fuck knows).

If nothing else this does open up the One Aboriginal, Two Pakistanis and a Jew walk into a bar jokes.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 19 2008
Uncategorized

Australia’s desire and the Klinger Kurve

What Australia needs to archive from this

Australia should win, no doubt.

But there are things from the win they need.

Mitchell Johnson to take some bags of wickets in Australia.

Brett Lee to forget about his personal problems.

Ponting to start captaining for results rather than for fees.

Roy to be the guy he was.

And Michael Clarke to make hundreds when Australia is in trouble.

If all these things happen, Australia will win 2 zip, and South Africa will have to play out of their skins to win there.

I am thinking 1 zip based on the Klinger Kurve in Radelaide.

If no one in Australia can get him out, either team taking 20 wickets in Radelaide is a huge ask, or someone needs some huge collapses.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Oct 01 2008
shield cricket

the Sheffield Shield, brought to you by a soggy breakfast: SA

SA, the South Australian bare backs

Players that wont be available for large chunks of the season

Um, maybe Shaun Tait.

South Australia will have a full strength side, which for them still isn’t much.

Last year there best player was Ryan Harris, who is in Queensland now.

Gillespie, Blewett, Elliott, and Lehmann are all gone.

So is Nathan Adcock, but thats a good thing.

Hard to see them getting to much better, they went on a huge recruiting drive and all the ended up with was two fringe players from Victoria and a bunch of players barely in the squad in NSWales.

Leadership

Well after the leadership debacle that was Nathan Adcock South Australia have picked the logical option.

Graham Manou isn’t going to be dropped, and last year was probably the best batsman, and second best player behind Harris.

Good leader, but probably not the best captain going around.

Bowling

A full year of Shaun Tait will be handy. Only a handful of state cricketers have ever taken over 70 wickets in a year and he is one.

Guys like Rofe, Wise and Clearly are all just state players, and none of which are match winning bowlers.

The two Cullens, Bailey and Daniel, are still around. Wouldn’t be great if one of them took wickets this year.

Batting

The two imports, Younis Khan and Michel Klinger, will probably be the best two batsman in this side.

They might have issues though, one being a muslim, and one being a jew. Throw in Christian at 5, an aboriginal, and you have the minority middle order.

Mark Cosgrove is the only other batsman who is legit. So he becomes mega important, especially when Khan goes home.

Their top order is so fragile, that they might have to take drastic measures and play Michael Vaughan after Younis Khan pisses off.

As if buying Klinger wasn’t embarrassing enough.

Long in the tooth

If this isn’t Paul Rofe’s last year, South Australia will be shit for at least two more years.

Ready to shed the nappies

No real young players who inspire me with confidence, but I am a big fan of Daniel Christian, a batting all rounder who bowls into the 140’s.

Nostradamus

Shield

5th.

One day

5th.

2020

4th.

The rub

They were rubbish last year, but they will have to improve, wont they?

The Hayden Christensen XI

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Apr 12 2008
victorian bushrangers

Victoria add Ranga, lose Hebrew Hammer

Finally the ink has settled and Chris Rogers, the dude good enough to be in the top XI 3 months ago but not good enough to be in the top 25 now, is a Victorian.

Don’t worry Western Australia, we will take good care of him.

Some bloggers are angry at Rogers, but let’s be honet, Western Australia has more quality batsman than you can suspend for drunkenness.

This will give Rogers that chance to play for Victoria for the next few years and forget about those distracting test opportunities.

Not sure how his future leadership aspirations will go with the big bear around, but good luck anyway.

Victoria also loses the Hebrew Hammer Michael Klinger.

Once the most promising young buck in all the land, now a grafter of the highest level.

He has been picked up by South Australia, and I hope this fresh start loosens him up a bit, because he still has the potential to be a good batsmen, but his anal retentive defence only strategy, and failure to make any real runs was always quite annoying.

Klinger played in the same under 16 representative tournament as I did way back when, the only difference between us was the fact he made a buttload of runs and was a superstar, and I did a buttload of nothing and was less of a superstar.

Yet last year he only made a few more runs than I did.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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