Tagged with Michael Clarke …

Jun 10 2011
13 Comments
aussies

Revenge of the Krab

There was once a time when Simon Katich choked Michael Clarke for not celebrating a win long enough.

Now he has been told he is not required or good enough to get into the list of best 25 cricketers in the country.

According to some media outlets, he’s angry.

I bet he is.

I imagine he has made a list, and those on that list will be dealt with in an ugly yet effective way.

Simon Katich’s death list may never be found, but in the next few weeks we may start hearing stories like this.

David – found naked in a bathtub having been force fed 52 cans of beer, still in the can. Boon’s body is a lumpy mess, and his moustache has been carved off his face with a knife.

Jamie Cox – a corpse is found in a local men’s hairdressers having been stabbed with tiny blunt scissors over 18614 times. It doesn’t make the national news.

Andrew – a transsexual prostitute corpse is found in a lawfirm office, it’s been strangled, or shot, no one is sure, and the story keeps changing.

Greg – the head of a man is found, near by is a wide bring hat with razors on the brim.

Michael – the body of a man is found at a trendy cafe on a sydney beach, it’s quite clear to officials that it’s been choked by an Australian flag.

Personally I think Katich should have been dropped, but if I ever meet him or have any contact with him at all I’ll tell him that his dropping was the biggest mistake I’ve seen by Australian selectors, then I’d buy him a beer and tell him how I used to troll some cricket blog who used to make fun of him.

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May 20 2011
17 Comments
indians

India are world champions for eternity: even American Christians love India

The world will end tomorrow, or today, or a few days ago depending on when you read this (that’s a trick line, because you’ll already be dead).

It’s rapture time. Or as these particular weird fucked up group of bible masturbators say, “Blow the trumpet, warn the people!” Which sounds like you are warning people before you fellate them.

The nut in charge has predicted the coming of a second Jesus before, and got it wrong. So he’s due.

And what does this mean?

The Christian Fundamentalist God loves India.

Perhaps because of Sachin, or even Sehwagology. Perhaps God was holding off hoping Americans would stop fighting over birth certificates and creating laugh track TV shows long enough to become the best team in the world, and when he saw that wouldn’t happen, he merely picked the new America, India.

We’ll never know for sure, as we aint going upstairs to get a meeting with the Male Homophobic Christian Fundamentalist God. We’re all dirty sinners here; you’re probably masturbating right now, or applying peanut butter and calling your dog.

While you do that, God has chosen the first time in human history that India are the best side in cricket to end the world. Perhaps Sehwag’s batting really did cause the apocalypse?

After May 21 they may not be. Players retire, get injured, lose form or sleep with the coach’s wife, but right now India are the best, and they’re going out as number one.

Sure, we may be able to play cricket in hell, but you just know they’ll be nothing in the pitches for bowlers. And can cricket really survive with a fourth version of cricket, Dante cricket?

Ofcourse, cricket (and less so the world) ending now is not all good news.

We’ll never Simon Katich knife Michael Clarke after he runs him out.

The Hashim Amla sex tapes will remain unwatched.

Runako Morton will never scream can you dig it at a baying crowd of street thugs in matching outfits in his unofficial role as king of the gangs.

The leader of the UN will never be Kumar Sangakkara, and he’ll never be rich enough to own the rights to the back catalogue of Billy Ocean or Hank Williams.

The cyborg that Martin Crowe created (just because he had a spare Sunday afternoon) to hold his brain will never get a chance to take 5000 test wickets.

It’s a shame because the world would have loved Mushtafiqur Rahim’s novelty dub hit, “I should be so Lucky”.

Salman Butt doesn’t have the chance to find Jesus, become popular on a celebrity dancing show or rebuild his name by getting cancer.

England will never get a chance to see Graeme Swann hosting retro 1950s game shows.

It ends all hopes that Kevin O’Brien did of doing something that people remember him by without stupid hair.

And the UDRS will always remain shit.

What will happen is that India will remain the eternal champions of the world as we all burn in the Christian Fundamentalist Hell.

The real shame is not that we’ll miss the stuff above or that India are number 1 for ever (which isn’t a shame if you’re Indian, although you’ll be in hell, so hard to celebrate too much) it’s that we all know Tony Greig will be down there commenting on all our torture. Blow by blow. Getting the details wrong, calling Sri Lankans little, talking about the broad shoulders of some blonde 19 year old, and generally making hell, hell.

Sehwagology saves.

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Mar 30 2011
8 Comments
aussies

Clarke won’t captain a team with Ponting in it

That isn’t my statement, although I also thought it was true before today.

That was a headline from 31st of December.

The question someone asked Michael Clarke was if he would captain Australia with Ponting in it.

“No. I’ve always said from day one Ricky Ponting is my leader, my captain, and I’m certain he’ll be back captaining ASAP.”

What has changed in that time.

Well, Ricky Ponting is now not his leader, because he has stepped down.

Is it that simple.

Did Michael Clarke really mean,

“No. Ricky is my captain now, and while he is captain I can’t be, because we both can’t be captains at the same time.  We both can’t be sitting in the same chair.”

Or did he mean,

“I’ll never captain Ricky, he scares me to death.”

Or even,

“I won’t captain him until he makes a public statement retiring from the job but wants to stay on batting.”

Now, because of Ricky’s semi retirement, Clarke is going to take over a team with Ponting in it. Probably.

The person who told him off in Perth, all of three tests ago, the man who was default coach, default selector, and iron fisted captaining grouch and one of the greatest players the country as produced.

You could understand why someone like Clarke wouldn’t want to captain Ponting.

Yet now Ponting has stepped down from the top job and thrown the ball back into Clarke’s court.

What will Clarke do?

Can he walk into the job, swing his power around and say, sorry old man, this is the future, you are the past, thanks, but no thanks.

Or should he try and look like he doesn’t give a shit about Ricky, that he has hardly noticed Ricky even exists, and that Ricky is just another face in the crowd that Michael Clarke needs to mould in order to bring Australia back to glory.

The third option is for Clarke to get hypnotised and so that instead of seeing Ponting he sees Walter Matthau grumbling in the corner of the changeroom.

I think it’s great that Ponting thinks so much of Clarke that he is willing to really test him at the start of his reign as captain.

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Jan 24 2011
18 Comments
aussies

Take the collar off Clarke

Michael Clarke should not be the next captain of Australia.  I’ve said this for longer than it’s been fashionable.

I don’t see him as a natural leader of men and I’ve seen enough tactical decisions from him in the field to not feel comfortable with that side of him either.

It should be mentioned that I don’t factor in his tattoos, boring ass twitter feed, who he dates, what he does with his hair, the magazines he’s in, the trendy café he eats at or even what car he drives when looking at him as a captain.  You can run the team from a beachside café with a shit hair cut just as well as you can from a diner with a cap on.

My problems with his captaincy have almost nothing to do with the reasons he seems to be hated.  If he wore a pirate earring, read Sylvia Path on the balcony and only talked to people who watched modern day French Films I wouldn’t hate him more, or think he would be less of a captain.

All I can go on is his past actions.

He has publicly stated he would never captain Ricky Ponting.  Making it sound like he was scared of leading him.  I want a captain who would at least publicly say he would captain a sabre tooth tiger if he was picked.

He has said at times he doesn’t always feel comfortable going to Ricky Ponting with suggestions.  He’s the Vice Captain of Australia; this isn’t some title you get when you’ve sold 100 whoppers.  It means something, and he should be chipping in, especially when he sees Ricky losing it.

He wouldn’t change his game for T20 cricket.  In real terms I care almost nothing that he played bad T20 cricket, but in the larger worldview, if he can’t change his game for his team when it is needed, that is a problem.

His apology for not walking.  I appreciate a man who apologises.  Too many people never do.  But don’t apologise for not walking.  Apologise for wasting our time, yes, but you don’t for walking. You’re Australian, that is fine, don’t apologise for that.  And if you are going to apologise, do it like a man and do it in front of the press core, not via twitter 12 seconds after play.

His lack of appearances at the press conferences during the Ashes.  Clarke did not appear at a close of play press conference until the 4th test.  Watson, Haddin and Hussey all came out on days when Australia was pummelled and they did little to justify walking out.  He should have come out before Melbourne.

His role in the Andrew Symonds outing.  It never felt right, and he has never spoken about it publicly.  It seems like it was more personality based than fishing based, and he was the captain in charge at the time.

I know nothing about him.  I follow him on twitter.  Read all the cricket press. Watch his interviews. Have been to his press conferences.  And have followed his career since the day he began, and other than he likes fast cars and is a bit metrosexual I know nothing about him at all.

How can this be?

Who is Michael Clarke? What does he believe in?  Who does he vote for?  What pisses him off?  Does anything piss him off?  Is he embarrassed by his public acts of affection for Lara?  Why did he wait until Lara was in a bind before leaving her?  Does he like leg slips?  How does he believe Mitchell Johnson should be handled?  Why so many bowling changes in Sydney?  How will he fix over rates?  Would he be a better captain than Cameron White?  Has he read Mike Brearley’s captaincy book?  Does he believe in human cloning?  Will his back ever be truly healed? Is he nervous or energetic?  Why should he be the next captain of Australia?

I just want to know who he is.  Perhaps he is the right man for Australia; perhaps they need a yuppie (© Crash Craddock) captain right now.  Maybe they need him.  He is a man who has reshaped his game on 3 separate occasions to make it as an international cricketer.  Someone who left a tour to get his life in order, only to return and make his highest test score. And someone who stated desperately that he never wanted to be dropped from the test side.

That is the most I know of Clarke, that he didn’t want to be dropped, and that desperation to stay in the side.  It was the most human I’ve ever seen him.  And although it was a bit depressing at the time, it showed that he has a fire inside him, there is a desperate ugly will to succeed in there, I want more of that and less of his corporate image.

Enough of this ghosted corporate cardboard cut-out, bring out Michael Clarke so we can see if we actually like him or not. Because it seems the image that has been carefully created is not working.

Tagged ,
Dec 24 2010
13 Comments
ashes, aussies

twas the night before boxing day…

‘Twas the night before Boxing day, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a Strauss;

The bats were knocked in and oiled with care,

In hopes that Mark Nicholas would never be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of cover drives danced in their heads;

And Richie is his jacket, and Punter in his cap,

Had just settled down for a long summer’s nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

Punter sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window he flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

When, what to Punter’s squinty eyes should appear,

But an Ian Chappell, and a barrel of beer,

Chappelli’s mouth was so lively and quick,

“Open up you little dick”.

Then he yelled and the others came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Bill! now, Steve! now, Mark and Bob!

On, Kim! on Graham! on, Greg and AB!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now drink away! Drink away! drink away all!”

They drank so fast it was if they flew,

Laughing and abusing Mark Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, Punter heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As Punter drew in his head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Mark Nicholas came with a hound.

He was dressed all in trendy clothes from his head to his foot,

And his body hair had long since gone caput;

A bundle of baggage he had flung on his back,

And he looked like metro with a fresh shaved sack.

He was skinny and shady and hung like an elf,

And Punter laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

He let punter know he had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And started tweeting platitudes like a complete jerk,

And then Chappelli punched his nose,

And the others stood around him, trying to impose;

He sprang to his car, as the blood ran out,

And young pup cried like a small scout.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“Happy Boxing day to all, I’ll captain Australia out of spite.”

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Dec 06 2010
29 Comments
ashes

Clarke’s lack of timing

Michael Clarke gets a lot of flack from fans.

Some of it is warranted, some of it is not, some of it is from me, some of it is not.

In his career he has been the dominating superboy, the man afraid of being dropped, a batsman capable of long innings when not under pressure and now the automaton of batting.

Through all these periods in his life, one thing seems to have remained the same, the boy goes out right before the break of play, a lot. About two years ago it was made a big deal by the press, then it died down, perhaps it went away, perhaps no one cared anymore.

Well it happened today, and I think people cared.

I’m not nerdy or bored enough to look it up, but it happens a lot.

Today Australia had done what they needed to do, built a base and hoped that the ball spinning viciously would miss the stumps.

They didn’t panic, or worry too much when England were bowling well. They just batted, for the draw, for the time, for the rain.

It isn’t the most masculine of pursuits but when the opposition has bent you over for three days of the test, there is little else you can do.

Clarke did this better than any other Australian. His batting was the best of his three ashes innings, because he didn’t look like his back was a solid steel rod and he didn’t play a slips practice drive.

He made runs, he kept out the good balls and together with Hussey built a draw making platform for Australia.

Then he went out.

Not to anyone, but to a man with four test wickets before that moment.

Not at anytime, but with four balls left in the day.

Australian fans are wild angry dogs, on a good day. Most of them will be so pissed off they won’t have even seen beyond those two points, but it goes further.

Marcus North now has to start tomorrow with four balls from the deadly KP, and then get through the new ball, being the great starter he is, that might not be that easy.

Clarke has picked the worst possible time to go out, as if he did so just for shits and giggles. Like interrupting a fight for a while, then pissing off just when it might be about to start off again.

You might think that if he failed to score more than five game after game that would be worse. It wouldn’t be, because those sort of failures will even get you dropped from the Australian team.

His kind of failures come on the back of a good or at least average test match innings, but they give the opposition the biggest boost imaginable, without any chance of him ever being dropped.

They are also the very opposite of a captain’s innings, he is like some evil anti-captain who does everything he can to make the team think he is helping them only to Judas all over them at the last minute. He’s probably a double agent, and he’s infiltrated the ranks for years just to routinely scuttle Australia’s best laid plans. And for the chicks.

This won’t end. Everything in Clarke’s life seems to change, but not this. I’m sure that when he was born it was inconvenient, perhaps his father was just about to go to the footy, and then he got the call, or maybe it was the day that his mother and father had tickets to the Saints.

He shall just forever be this way, it’s bred into him.

One day, Lara Bingle might be more loved in Australia than Clarke, because at least she was dismissed at the right time.

The new cricket sadist is out now.

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Nov 23 2010
8 Comments
aussies, player profiles

balls profile: michael clarke

“Didn’t I always tell you if I stayed in place and never spoke up, good things were bound to happen?” said General Casey in Mars Attacks before he meets the martian ambassadors.  Michael Clarke’s career has seemingly been much of the same.  I know he likes cars, women and tattoos, but other than that I have never really detected an ounce of personality or anything he really believes in.  He may be a pod. His batting is now professionally carried out, after earlier histrionics and making runs when Australia were on top.  Likes quick return flights between Australia and New Zealand.  He bats in a constant 3rd gear, and seems to have removed fourth and fifth as an option. His left arm spin is luckier than Lyle Lovett at times.  In many ways Clarke is the Celine Dion of modern cricket.

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Nov 03 2010
21 Comments
aussies

Michael Clarke will be the next Australian test captain786r356

Which is the best news for all other countries.

He finished this match with himself and Shane Watson bowling.

That takes talent.

That would be like me finishing this post with my wife’s cat writing.

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Tagged ,
May 24 2010
5 Comments
aussies

Andrew Hilditch is consistent

Had Michael Clarke not been selected captain of Australia’s T20 squad, I would have given Hilditch a sloppy hug.

Australia’s squad was just about as good as it could be, and for Hilditch, it was quite daring.  Going in with three strike bowlers who can all be quite wayward and a 20 year old untried leggie was a pretty bold move for someone once went trawling through the Sydney grade cricket bargain bins for a defensive spin option.

Hilditch must have realised that his previous T20 squads were pretty rubbish, so with this one he tried to get the best line up he could. Other than Harris coming in for Bollinger when Lee was injured there was no real problems in the squad that I had, other than one.

The captain.

Picking Michael Clarke as captain was a political appointment rather than a selection on merit.  Obviously on merit the better T20 cricketer whose team wins T20 tournaments for fun, Cam White, would have been the captain.

Instead Clarke was appointed as captain because one day he will be test captain, and while I understand the logic (even if the thought of all this sickens me), what is the point of making someone captain of a form of cricket they suck at? How can Clarke, newly separated from a glamour python, be expected to take over his first Australian team in the one form of cricket he has never been any good at?

Had he taken over the one day side, given Ponting even more time to prepare for the short balls he will face in test matches, it would make sense.  Clarke is class in One Day cricket. He would have taken over a side that he has been a successful part of for hyears and wouldn’t have had to worry about improving his form just to get picked.

In T20 cricket Clarke is an albatross made of excrement.  His batting is pathetically bad, his strike rate is worse than that and his only redeeming feature is that his arms don’t look bad in those stupid green arm stockings they are forced to wear.

Now that Clarke has proved his bad form to the world with the bat (and his captaincy wasn’t exactly Mike Brearly like either) in the T20, the easy, and probably correct decision would be to give White the role.  It seems the main reason not to give White the role at this stage is that he might be good at it. That will make Clarke’s promotion harder to justify.

It is clear that Hilditch is still not prepared to take pick the best T20 side and this is why he has given the role to someone who all but claimed he shouldn’t be picked.

Clarke’s continued selection means that T20 cricket is not being taken seriously by Australia, and is actually being seen as a development format.  Which is fine, if they take it seriously as a development format.

I don’t really care that much about T20, if Australia got bundled out of every tournament early, and won every test series I’d be more than happy.  But don’t do it fucken half assed.  Don’t pick a good T20 squad a lumber it without a project captain.

Drop anyone over 28 other than Clarke.  Bring in Starc, Wade, Marsh, Keath, Pattinson, Hazelwood and Cutting.  Make sure all these guys are used to International cricket so that one day they may flourish in the test arena.

Either develop or take it seriously, Hilditch, don’t do both badly.

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May 17 2010
19 Comments
aussies, poms, world twenty20

England beat up Clarke

I’m not sure what kind of kid Michael Clarke was, but I doubt he was a brawler.

He looks like the sort of smooth adult that was also like Teflon in the play ground.

Perhaps people tried to abuse him, but he probably had team mates from various sporting teams who would step in for him.

Plus the teachers probably kept on eye on their golden boy, don’t want the local cricket star being found dead behind the portables.

With all that in mind yesterday was probably the first real beating he has ever taken.

And he was beaten, hard.

It was public too, while everyone was at lunch, crowded around as Clarke didn’t even try to defend himself.

He just sat there been moved by the force of England’s blows.  He was more a punching bag than a fighter.

There was nothing he could do to stop it, so perhaps he thought by hitting himself a few times he might confuse England and gain some respite.

Instead it just made the English beat him up harder.

Finally his lifeless body was put out of it’s misery well earlier than anyone had thought possible.

Battered and bruised he will be returned to Cricket Australia, who may not want him anymore.

I thought Clarke was unlucky, Kieswetter won the man of the match award, but surely no one did more for England’s victory than Clarke did.

The only good news for Australian cricket was that this might mean Australia don’t automatically turn to Clarke when they need their next captain, they might actually look at who would be the best captain, and not just the guy who speaks to media without saying anything and who grooms himself well for photoshoots.

England were nerdishly efficient and brutal on Australia all day. They still had some great luck, dropped catches finding other fielders, Haddin caught of the hip, but surely there biggest slice of luck was that Clarke was playing.

Swann and Collingwood are lucky their team won, because conspiring to get Clarke out could have been the worst thing either of them had ever done.

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