History can tell you many things. It can tell you that someone was a truly great player (I hope I don’t need to give examples). It can tell you that they completely wasted their talents (Vinod Kambli, for example). It can tell you that they punched well above their perceived weight (David Steele) and that they were perhaps not as good as you thought they were (Stephen Fleming, arguably).
What they don’t tell you is why some people simply dislike certain players, for no apparent reason.
Obviously, such assessments are, by and large, only valid once a player has retired and a small amount of time has passed. After all, everyone needs a chance to prove themselves – as Marvan Attapattu would testify.
So, with one exception to that rule, here are my least favourite five:
5. Ramnaresh Sarwan
It’s not anything that Sarwan has done to me personally. It’s not even what he has done on the pitch. But there is something about him which just screams ‘Humourless, self-centred, prick’. The stories of him spending charity dinners on the phone chatting to his mates don’t help, of course, but the biggest injustice is that Sir Viv’s career was blighted by haemorrhoids and Sarwan’s hasn’t been.
4. Raymond Illingworth
Where do I begin? Being a momumental egomaniac? Never admitting to ever having got anything wrong, ever? Ripping into David Gower for a brilliant runout because he might have given away an overthrow? Claiming to have been bowled off a plantain in the pitch? Or being the worst England Chairman of Selectors ever – no mean achievement in a field which also includes Peter May, Alec Bedser and Ted Dexter? It doesn’t really matter, the man was the epitome of ‘unloveable’.
3. Terry Alderman
Not because of his systematic torturing of English batsmen during the 1980s. Not because he once injured himself tackling a streaker. And not because he looked like a stormtrooper in that stupid white helmet. Simply because he was such a monumental arse, he was the only player to refuse me an autograph at Eden Park in 1982. Hell, Gary Troup even signed my scorecard right next to where I had recorded his dismissal. Even the freaking umpires were giving autographs. But the Great Terry Alderman thought it was all beneath him and strode off the pitch, shaking his head at every request. Cunt.
2. Michael Atherton
Why everyone thinks that Atherton was some sort of cricketing genius is beyond me. As a captain, he lacked inspiration and insight. He had no clue how to use a spinner, completely shafted Mike Smith on his one Test appearance and was among the first to have his head drop when things went against England. Yes, he was a great batsman, but that doesn’t tell the whole story. Just read Steve James’ description of Atherton’s duplicity when they walked out to open in his first Test to see what I mean. Adding this together means that whilst some lauded the Atherton autobiography as a standout example of the genre, I read it as 200+ pages of someone shouting ‘LOOK AT ME, I AM AN ENORMOUS COCK’
1. Tillekeratne Dilshan
The winner by a country mile, for one very obvious thing. If you are a budding international cricketer, and if you want to change your name, don’t change it to that of your national captain, you enormous fucking suckup. It doesn’t matter what you have done or will do in your career, Dilshan, in my book you will always be the bloke who chugged a metaphorical nine incher to further your career. Need I explain further?
