Tagged with matthew hayden …

May 29 2008
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Hayden, against the world

Matthew Hayden is leaving the holy land.

His ankle has not recovered, Dei Gratia for Hodgey/Krab.

Australia only has two contracted openers, it’s almost as if Outside the Church there is no salvation.

Australia does have Shaun Marsh, whose father sent us his son to atone for his sins, but we did not accept him into our side.

Before leaving, Hayden took Katich into his bosom and said, In this side you will conquer.

But Krabs didn’t get a mention with Noah.

Katich wanted to respond with Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, but Hayden, sensing his time was not long on this earth, was gone.

From the corner of the room was a small man with a sensible haircut from Victoria saying I am not worthy, Oh lord Non sum dignus, I am not worthy, without the Mike Myers affliction.

It was really annoying, Rupert Clark changed seats.

Ponting looked longingly at the place Hayden used to sit, thinking to himself, Long live Hayden the King!.

Tim Neilson, sensing the sombre mood after Haydens exitus (uhum) stated in a loud and booming Voice, one day I shall sing, Hayden resurrexit!

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May 24 2008
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built like adonis, tastes like sugar and food colouring

Freddy Flintoff, built like a rugby player, bowls like a superstar, bats like a rugby player.

Matthew Hayden, built like a Frank Miller character, bats like a Frank Miller anti hero.

Shane Watson, built like a Calvin Klein model, plays like a Calvin Klein model.

Jacob Oram, built like the perfect boyfriend, bats like an axeman, bowls like a ballerina.

What do all these players have in common, other than they are the male equivalent of amazonian women.

That’s right my intelligent regular reader, they are all jelly bean players.

A jelly bean player is built like tarzan, and plays like Shane (Watson).

The ohysio know their moles by touch.

Ice baths are how they relax.

And they some times have relapses from injury.

They are too athletic, too muscular, and too fit to play International cricket.

Cricket is the place for the over weight.

The dreadfully skinny.

The normal sized, with large behinds.

These are the ideal sizes for cricketers.

Someone fit, strong and healthy, is just testing fate by playing cricket.

All these players have had a terrible recent run with injuries, because they are not made for this world.

Freddy should be a pack scrum forward 5/8th type guy.

Hayden should be clubbing seals in Alaska.

Shane should be stripping naked for photo shoots, more often.

And Oram should take his rightful place as the thinking woman’s Fabio.

Cricket is tough on fit men.


(big thanks to Mel for the picture)

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Mar 30 2008
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kanye’s cricket biographies

Because of the draw today, my mind started to wander.

Here is a list of Kanye West songs and the Cricketers or hangers on they remind me of.

Gold Digger – Shane Bond

“I aint saying she a gold digger, but she aint messin with no broke niggaz”

Jesus Walks – Adam Gilchrist

“I aint here to argue about his facial features, or here to convert atheists into believers”

All falls down – Marcus Trescothick

“She’s so self conscious, she has no idea what’s she’s doin in college”

Touch the sky – Virender Sehwag

“Before the day I die, I’m gonna touch the sky”

My way home – Imran Khan

“Might not be such a bad idea if I never go home again”

Crack music – Sunil Gavaskar

“I throw a little sumtin simtin on the pulpit”

Roses – Damien Martyn

“can you sign some t shirts, bitch is ya smoking reefer”

Diamonds from Sierra Leone – Sachin Tendulkar

“Forever ever? Forever ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever?”

Hey mama – Channel 9 commentary team (except Richie)

“You’re like a book of poetry, Maya Angelou, Nicky Giovanni, turn one page and there’s my mommy”

Late – Me (to Bhaji and Haydos)

“Little girls please stop you’re crying”

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Mar 03 2008
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how i sees em

Some of you may notice I see cricket differently.

You guys see a leg spinner, I see an absurdist.

You see a test nation, I see an ex lover.

You see Shaun Pollock play cricket, I pretend he never played.

You see Jacques Kallis, I see a dud root.

So when I look at international batsmen this is what I see.

Michael Clarke – a teenage boy who is eagerly trying to please his mates hot mum. The more Cleavage she gives, the more excited he gets.

Sanath Jayasuriya – slices the ball like some Genghis Khan wannabe.

Virender Sehwag – bats like a dude who will fu©k anything. Doesn’t matter if he hits or misses, just likes to get laid a lot.

Adam Gilchrist – swings the bat like a junkie swatting away imaginary monkeys.

Kumar Sangakarra – has the presence of Lee Marvin whilst holding a bat, and almost as funny as Lee whilst using the gloves.

Matty Hayden – bats like a 14 year old kid beating the sh1t out of a 10 year old kid.

Graeme Smith – tries to bat like a 14 year old kid beating the sh1t out of a 10 year old kid.

Kevin Pietersen – is a lot like Robbie Williams, wishes he could make it big in America, must learn to be content with the fact he gets laid a lot regardless of America.

Michael Hussey – is a robot sent from the future to destroy us.

Jacques Kallis – has the rare ability to suck the fun out of cricket to such a degree, you wonder how hard it would be to use a sniper rifle.

Shahid Afridi – bats like an ice addict who has just gunned down two cops and knows they’re gonna find him soon.

Runako Morton – is something of a Howard Hughes batsman.

Sachin Tendulkar – bats like a kid with a bat 4 times too heavy, 3 times too long, and yet has found a way to use it.

Shivnarine Chandrepaul – stands at the crease like a kid from Chernobyl, bats like a kid from Harvard Law school.

Stephen Fleming – always seems to have a good book in the change room.

Michael Vaughn – Used to be a batsmen.

Ian Bell – is a carpenter with all the tools, and very little knowledge of when and where to use them.

Ross Taylor – is like a really hot chick, who knows she is really hot, and therefore not that hot.

Chris Gayle – a drunken Canadian woodchopper.

Mohammad Ashraful – is William Shatner in Star Trek, flashes of brilliance, but it will be a long time before he gets to Boston Legal.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Feb 28 2008
general balls

they’re both right

Let’s just start this properly.

Harbhajan Singh is an obnoxious weed (little or otherwise).

Matthew Hayden is one of the most disliked figures in the game (the word pr1ck comes to mind).

So they are both right.

I don’t think there are many non Indian fans that think Harbhajan is a good bloke, he is a sh1t stirrer and a mouth, and if he played a contact sport, he would be regularly taken down.

Hayden is well known for being a smug flat track bully (although he’s pretty good on most tracks) who sledges like a retarded toddler. Yet again outside of Australia, especially in the republique, he is not well loved.

Both of these men are religious guys.

Now I’m not in any way saying this is what makes them both pricks, but….

Harbhajan is a Sikh, and shares the name of one another Sikh, Harbhajan Singh Yogi.

Now I’ve always liked Sikhs, but I like swords. Not enough religions have swords. And this Yogi fellow seems pretty cool, he was against nuclear bombs, was for inter faith togetherness, and liked yoga.

Cricket’s Harbhajan Singh, has never spoken up on nuclear war, has not performed inter faith work in Atlanta and has not started any major yoga groups.

Matthew Hayden likes Jesus, or as he calls him, Christ.

In this interview, he says, “I ask myself what would Christ be doing in this situation?”.

My question to you Haydos is, would Jesus have gone on radio and said, “”It’s been a bit of a long battle with Harbhajan. The first time I met him, he was the same little obnoxious weed that he is now.”

Since I believe in Jesus as much as I believe in Santa, it is hard for me to know, so I went to askmoses.com and asked them. But Moses wanted to talk about Jesus not being the messiah.

Then I went to ask-jesus.org, but Jesus has a crap website, so that didn’t work either.

I guess questions like this are not mean to be answered.

But if you want the truth about existence go to rael.org.

If you just want guidance, do what I do.

WWGD.

What Would Gilly Do?

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Feb 26 2008
general balls

OBO of Allan Border Medal

Night starts off bad, as father and I have to convince mother to watch some crappy reality show in another room.

Mark Nicholas starts with a message about Rianna Ponting’s bun in the oven. Strangely no Michael Slater jokes. But Mark Nicholas does look radiant.

Gilly tributes start early with Ponting and Nicholas eager to out do each other.

Channel nine changes tact and puts in a quick quiz to the players on what the ten modes of dismissal are, I got nine, bloody hitting the ball twice got me.

Sri Lanka test series highlights forget to mention King Kumar’s innings, I get the feeling this is not going to be a night about cricket, but just about Channel 9 and Australian cricket.

India test series highlights had only the slightest bastard monkey references.

Sri Lanka series is so not important that no one bothers to read them out, India series is so important Mark Taylor’s expert oral skills and brought out.

The test player of the year (in a year of 6 home tests) is Brett Lee. Brad Hogg very unlucky to miss out.

Blonde Bimbo count is high, people sucking up to Gilly much higher.

Amazing that Mark Nicholas can still stand and talk, all the blood is rushing to his trousers at the moment.

They pretend to talk about cricket ads, but instead get some great plugs for Valvoline and Ford into the show. Bet that’s cheaper than the superbowl ads.

Roy gets interviewed and is still the funniest Australian cricketer, but that’s like being the sexiest Spice girl.

Roy And HG (not theAndrew Symonds Roy) give us some comedy. They get off to a slow start, but there are enough jokes in there, and they give a retrospective AB medal to John Glesson the one fingered mysterious bowler.

Channel 9 gave Kerry Packer and Tony Greig a tribute in the guise of World Series cricket. Max Walker and Len Pascoe come out well.

More Gilly sucking up, he gets on stage and even he seems to think it’s too much. Then Richie trots out to give him an empty wine bottle for being so good. It is encrusted not with jewels but with the Channel 9 logo. Would get upwards of 50 bucks on ebay.

An hour into the coverage and we have looked at 6 tests.

Australia’s one day losses to England and New Zealand are glossed over expertly, with world cup games against Scotland given more coverage.

Luke Pomersbach gets Bradman young player of the year award, he looks soberish.

Lisa Sthalekar got female player of the year award for the second year running. Heard her speak recently, she speaks very very well, much better than pretty much any male player. Also I feel she is rather attractive. Wonder if she is gay or taken.

Ashley Matrix got state player of the year. Only a nut job could argue anyone else has had a better year, that nut job being my father mentioning David Hussey.

The rogue traders took to the stage. We filmed them 2 weeks ago as they played a gig to 30 people. Now they’re playing to a couple of million punters, and they still suck.

Quick segment on the bollywood cricket film. I have heard the director talk about it, and the film doesn’t sound like its going to be good, but I could be biased cause I think most Bollywood films are sh1t. And most Australian films for that matter.

Being that this is shown live on Fox Sports Brendan Julian and his 4oo dollar hair cut get a run on the main stage.

Fast major controversy as Matt Hayden wins one day player of the year and kisses Gilly’s wife. Still no Slater jokes.

I stand by my pre world cup comments, that Hayden is just not a good one day player and shouldn’t be in the side. I think this last year has vindicated that call.

George Giffen was promoted to the hall of fame, he used to kill Victoria, so we hate him.

Ian Healy was also put in, he received some sort of sh1t stained wooden trophy.

Mark Nicholas takes 3 minutes out of our lives to explain how the Allan Border medal voting system works, just hand it out already.

And the winner is Brett Lee.

Fair effort for someone who missed a butt load of one dayers.

The real winner is Mitchell Johnson, his girl is extraordinary.

Mark Nicholas finishes the night with one last lick at the anal passage of Australian Cricket.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Feb 24 2008
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who let the dogs out

The final Kerry Packer Series has been great.

Everyone is failing, everyone is blaming the pitches, the bowlers are killing all the so called cream of the crop and 200 is a great score.

Then what happens, Sydney decided to use the magical pitch, the one where David Hussey made a hundred off 8 balls, and all this magic gets transferred to the rest of the batsmen.

The Aliens leave Pontings head, and he starts to play on drives like they are the new black.

Hayden finds Jesus, or Jesus finds Hayden, either way he makes runs and looks like a bully again.

Roy leaves the bank for the day, and everyone remembers why he got a kabbillion rupees.

All this woke up Uthappa as well, but Sehwag & Sachin kept sleeping, because Sachin is old, and Sehwag looks older than him.

What did all this add upto, a game where over 600 runs were scored, shocking.

Just when I was thinking we could get a whole series without anyone making a big score, now every one will do it and this will be the same ol bore fest, 340 plays 330, that every one day series has.

Woe is me.

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Jan 07 2008
general balls

Every Aussie Is An asshole (especially me)

…
We are.

We’re not fu©king @ssholes, mind you, but we are @ssholes.

Australia has one culture, winning, be it Grammys, Oscars or World Cups, we do it at an amazingly high level.

If we aren’t the best sporting nation on earth, we are pretty damn close.

There aren’t many sports we don’t have world class performers in.

Hell we even win winter Olympic medals.

Sport is not our religion, winning is.

And we are ruthless about it.

Friendships are lost.

Injuries are ignored.

Rules are bent.

The Opposition is intimidated.

Anything we can do to beat you.

It was the way I was brought up.

On the field we believe alls fair in love and war, sure we have moments where we are nice, even in sports, but we still want to win.

Afterwards have a beer with the guy you called a flaming @ss muncher, just trying to fire you up chance, want a cold one?

Now they are dobbing in cricketers, are they serious?

Either play like the @ssholes we were born to be, or straighten up and fly right, don’t put your feet on either side of the fence and ride it.

When the Australians first started trying to soften up their image I thought it was a joke.

A scientologist doesn’t covert to Judaism.

Why would they bother, it’s about winning, not being liked.

Lots of people like Sri Lanka and New Zealand, how does that work out for them.

Three or so years have passed and Australia’s new nice guy tag still doesn’t fit correctly.

How could it.

Ponting is a street fighter. The working class boy who loves a scrap, and would smack you over the head with a chair to defeat you.

Hayden is a Christian soldier. Like Dubya Bush before him, he is an evangelical fighter who doesn’t let knowledge or common sense affect his anger.

Roy is a black man from new texas (queensland), imagine the ©rap he has had to deal with his whole life. If that hasn’t made him harder than a teenager in a nudie club, I don’t know what would.

Hogg is 6 tests into a career, has no real talent, and is sledging guys with over 5000 test runs. Imagine what he did to the dogs on his old postmans route.

Before them were men like Justin Langer, who I personally saw threaten at least 3 Victorians with violence.

Steve Waugh, a man who believed in scarring the opposition for life and whose face broke Jason Gillespies leg.

And Allan Border, the man who told Dean Jones he was soft, as he threw up in India whilst making a double hundred.

No I wasn’t one of the guys Langer threatened, I’m not that silly.

In Aussie rules football I barrack for Collingwood, everyone hates Collingwood. That’s the way it should be. I couldn’t stand it if I barracked for a side that provoked no reaction.

I don’t know why this team decided to be liked, but I can only imagine it had something to do with making fat cash off sponsors.

Personally I think they make enough cash from cricket, they should concentrate on winning cricket matches.

If they really want to do something for their image, they can always do what Steve Waugh did, feed the starving limbless children.

Didn’t matter that Steve would have strangled an Indian to win a test on the pitch, because he did nice tings off the pitch.

India would love to be 2 zip right now, Bangladesh would love to win 2 tests.

Australia aren’t ever going to be completely nice, cause it aint in is.

So let’s drop the act gents, if nice guys finished first, we would have tried it already.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Dec 26 2007
general balls

Boxing Day Test #1

It was a very interesting opening day of the Boxing Day Test at Uncle J-Rod’s ‘G.

At days conclusion I would have to say the visiting team took the honours………something very rare indeed. With a day with the bat to come, up against Australia’s weakest displine – bowling – , India may continue to hold the whip hand.

Australia had the fortune of winning the toss on what looked to be a good batting wicket. In typical fashion the openers were pro-active from the start, with large slices of luck mind you, but who dares wins. Khan and Singh were getting plenty of good swing early on. The turning point for me came after an hour or so, around the time the ball got a little softer and the swing began to disappear. The openers weathered the early storm and I felt the above mentioned opening bowlers began to panic slighly and bowled miles to full from then on. Things were looking very ominous………we’ve all seen it many times over for years now. The whole series was on the line.

Enter Anil Kumble. He’s been around for ever, but this time he is captain. In a single afternoon, when the heat was well and truely on, he responded. Showing all his guile and skill Kumble changed the face of the game taking five wickets and playing a huge hand in restricting Australia to 9/337 come stumps. A far cry from o/134 when he coaxed Jacques fataly out of his ground for a well made, yet at times, crab like 66.

Kumble rose to the occasion and bowled a captains spell, leading by example with the ball, inspiring his side. He is to be commended for a bold showing.

The same can’t be said about Michael Clarke and Adam Gilchrist. Clarke, a very high profile personality, had a golden opportunity to perform on the big stage, when Australia needed him most and push forward his claims to one day ascend to the captaincy………something that, up until now has just been paper talk.

Well, unlike Kumble, he failed spectacularly, making a very scratchy and nervous looking 20. Gilchrist too, had a big opportunity, but like many other times he played a reckless shot to Kumble and was out for 23. For all the praise heaped on Gilchrist as well as his inglorious headline grabbing sessions, I am disappointed he doesn’t stand up more often than he does in Test match situations with the bat.

Matthew Hayden deserves praise for his magnficient innings saving effort, which has recieved less than it’s far share in this column, but regular readers will be aware of how highly I rate Hayden and his contributions to the side.

Day 2 promises to be very interesting…….

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Dec 26 2007
general balls

what would matt hayden do?

Matt Hayden loves three things, cooking, boxing day tests and Jesus.

The first one involves something I have absolutely no interest in.

The second one I have already talked about ad nausea.

And the third is some dead dude who disappeared from a cave.

The second and third ones do have some connection, being that Boxing day comes after the day a best selling book claims Jesus was born.

Does the most Christian day of the year inspire Matt Hayden into dominating the G like only Don Bradman has before?

Or.

Does Matthew Hayden, part time chef, photographer and cricketer actually see himself as the son of god reborn?

The G is generally not the easiest wicket to bat on in Australia.

The drop in pitches are odd, to say the least, some days you’d be better off playing with a tennis racquet, it generally has a split personality, Dean Jones makes the same joke every year “the only driving you should do at the G on the first day, is on the way to the ground” and medium pacers are often unplayable on it.

So my question to you is, would jesus have been a back or front foot player?, being that we have already worked out he was a wicket keeper (problems with his hands in his later years).

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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