Tag Archives: mark ramprakash

Does Ramps toss little people?

I don’t know.

But any story that involves Rikki Clarke as Dr Evil and violence is good enough for me:

“Anyway, as the festivities wore on Clarke’s tiny sidekick sipped one too many of his master’s lagers and wandered off in search of his own fun. Mini-Me was obviously a tactile sort, because he embarked on a tour of the venue sampling the finest that womankind had to offer in the way of posterior flesh. I’m told that the diminutive stature of a dwarf lends itself particularly well to this kind of operation.

It’s here though that Mini-Me made a tactical error. He headed over in the vicinity of one Vandana Ramprakash in order to take his handful of her rear. Yes, that’s Ramps’ wife. And when saw the gross assault that was being inflicted on the person of his beloved he took the course any right-minded husband would do in those circumstances. He picked up the dwarf. And threw him. Against the nearest wall. Poor old Mini-Me was now well and truly plastered.”

For the full story pop over to Harris Sportsthoughts.

Tagged ,

Narrating Ramps’ dream

In his deepest sleep, he always dreamt of the same thing.

The people wanted him; they screamed his name from every corner of the land.

They had not seen him in a long time, but his legend had grown with every year he was gone.

At first the wise old men were sceptical, but they feared their chance was slipping.

They called upon him.

The telegram arrived on a Tuesday, what a glorious day for good news.

The news had made him positively gay and giddy, so happy was he that he broke into a dance.

His friends came over and asked how he felt about the news? He told them he was happy, confident, that he thought he had deserved this chance and would his best for his country.

He had always hoped for this day.

There was not a moment he did not long to be back fighting the enemy, winning the people’s hearts and taking him the spoils.

He knew this would not be easy, the first time he tried this he went into so many battles, and only twice did he conquer his opponents.

While he was representing the same army as before the faces had changed, new generals, lieutenants and corporals were around, but this was not of issue to him.

His job was simple and yet dangerous, slay the enemy’s mighty beasts.

So many times when he was in the wilderness had he slain beasts, but these were puffed up farm animals, and now he knew that these were, at the very least, angry dogs.

Would his powers, now dulled ever so slightly by his aging exterior, work against this toothy adversary?

He knew not the answer.

It tormented hi.

Every day he grew more and more restless; he could see the battle coming up, would this be his last, would he even survive it?

The gay and giddiness was replaced by a grim foreboding.

Am I still the man to go into war for his country?

Was I ever that man?

The torment of not knowing the answer would always wake him up from this period drama dream.

He would check his mobile, answering machine, and email looking for Geoff’s message, but it was 3am, selectors don’t get in touch at that time.

He tried to go back to sleep.

His angst made him clutch his pillow just a little too tight, but his experience had taught him to just take deep breaths and sleep would come.

As he fell asleep he said, “This will happen. I can do it. I know I can… Can’t I?”

Soon he would be asleep again, and the very same dream would happen again.

Tagged ,

Ramps and stuff

I tried to make sense out of the Mark Ramprakash shit, this is the best I could do. It doesn’t make much sense, I just sort of had notes, and couldn’t work out what to do, so this is a post, of sorts:

The Bryce McGain story was a lovely fairytale with a bloody massacre at the end.

The reason there was a story in the first place is because Australian spin had become a faeces ridden quagmire.

There was nothing left.

Brad Hogg left before he was kicked out, Lord Stuey couldn’t walk, Beau Casson was as shit as I said he was, Nathan Hauritz was playing club cricket, the Cullens were a non event, and Hampshire’s Shane Warne was playing poker.

That is the sort of shitness that needs to occur for someone like Bryce McGain to get selected.

As bad as England’s batting was at Headingley, it could never be as bad as Australia’s spin dilemma.

There is not an English batsman as bad as Cameron White’s legspin in this series.

Australia picked McGain because there were no other options, England does not have that problem.

-

Picking ramps is funny, but not that funny.

-

They have Trott, Key, or they can stay with the young players they have been developing.

There are other options, ones that won’t make them look like they are panicking.

-

It is only being suggested to make Andy Caddick mad.

-

Making changes to the side is fine, picking 39 year olds because of one shit test is insane.

-

Whose middle-aged crisis is this, Ramp’s or England’s?

-

Picking Mark Ramprakash now is like saying we have known he has always been the best, but we haven’t picked him anyway.

If Geoff Miller picks Mark Ramprakash now, he should be fired.

If it is the right decision for this test, then Ramps should have been playing for the last three years and that is Geoff’s fault.

If it is the wrong decision, then he is panicking and has no idea what he is doing.

-

Getting the women and gay dudes on side is important, but surely that will take more than a cameo test.

-

And why is this a must win test?

That shits me.

All tests are fucken must win tests.

There are no maybe win tests.

-

Graeme Hick.

Tagged ,

Mark Ramprakash has been selected for the Oval Test

Oh, you don’t believe me?

Well I have proof; this is what Geoff Miller said:

“I’m not ruling anybody out,”

See.

You fool, you mad mad loopy fool.

Can’t you see it?

Come on dude, think about it.

Ramps is anybody.

He is the embodiment of someone who isn’t named.

The unnamed batsman if you will.

Geoff Miller can’t say Ramprakash is in, that would cause mass panic.

Women would be buying special cricket-themed throwing panties.

Men would be learning how to dance.

And old cricket writers would have heart attacks.

Miller needs to ease us in.

So he starts off by saying he won’t rule “anybody” out after being asked if Ramprakash will play.

See.

It all makes sense.

Mark Ramprakash will be playing for England.

It is also worth nothing that Robert Croft, John Crawley and Ronnie Irani were also not ruled out.

Think about it….

Tagged , ,

Read all about shit

The two major stories out of Headingley seem to be:

No team has ever panicked as much as England are with the scores tied late in a series.

Australia has already won.

Both of these seem to be media constructs.

Surely England isn’t really going to bring back Mark Ramprakash based on the fat their current selections have been shit.

And how could Australia really believe they have already won based on their 1st innings collapses in the two proceeding tests.

This series, more than most, has had to deal with artificial constructs from the media more than most.

Probably because, for all the hype, these are two very ordinary evenly matched sides that happen to be playing in the world’s most marketable test series.

Three of the main names have been injured.

Most of the Australian team is a faceless crew.

The English team has no general feel, except on the odd occasion of impending doom.

It is an odd Ashes.

But contrary to media speculation Australia have not retained the Ashes, or won this series yet.

Picking Mark Ramprakash now would be a drastically uncalled for disturbance when Jonathan Trott is in the squad and has a similar average to Ramps this year.

I think picking Mark Ramprakash would be on par with Australia deciding on the first morning to play for draw.

You can make a case of both, but you can also make a case that Robocop 3 is better than the first two because Robocop flies in it.

Tagged , , ,

Ashes fact 77

The oval was once a detainment camp for nymphomaniac women.

Back in the late 1800s, when horny women were frowned upon by the English Monarchy, the Establishment would round the women up and chuck them all in the Oval.

It became a place of debauchery and sin. Before the OCS stand was built, the old stand was known as the Lesbos stand.

Mark Ramprakash, who was playing for surrey in the 1800s, talks about that period, “You have to remember that at that time women becoming wanton sex goddesses was frowned upon, but had they known that throwing all these women here would have started such blatant lesbian sex, they would have thought twice about it.”

Cricketers however were very pleased with the situation, and Surrey and England prospered while the Oval was full of nymphs as the opposition teams weren’t used to large scale Lesbian orgies in the grand stands during games.

Tagged , , ,

England lose the ashes, in record time

Usually the Ashes cannot be lost until the tests have been played. England couldn’t wait.

They had three number 3 candidates, and were busting to try them against players born in Australia. Their scores were 12, 12 and 5.

A player by the name of Callum Thorp, who played about 15 or so games for Western Australia, took down Key and Vaughan.

Bell chose another, he went out to Mitchell Claydon, and sent many cricket journalists to the internet to see who the hell he is. Turns out another Australian playing on a British passport. God bless those relatives.

Thorp went to play in England with a first class average of over 50, for Durham he averages 22. By taking down Rob Key he might have ruined any chance that the likeable rotund batsman will have a future test career.

For Vaughan it is not so simple. People have been saying he needs to make a lot of runs for Yorkshire to be picked, but the first test squad against the Windies is probably going to be announced before he gets a chance to make any runs for Yorkshire.

This was his only chance to impress, but he has the added advantage of being Michael Vaughan, which impresses automatically.

Mitchell Claydon, born in New South Wales, has a bowling average of over 50 after 7 first class games, but his wicket of Bell will be enough to keep Bell in county cricket for the season unless injuries intervene.

Some would think that with these guys all failing to score any decent runs to Shield Second XI players, that they wouldn’t be a chance to play. Not so.

Not even the fact that Bell hasn’t made runs since American Pie jokes were tolerable, Key averaged 30 in county cricket last year, and Michael Vaughan’s test career turning into him making an art out of missing the straight ones is enough to stop these guys from still being the front runners for the empty number three slot.

Well not empty, Owais Shah still holds it. Owais Shah didn’t play in this game, (a combined MCC XI Vs last year’s champions Durham) and that was great for him. He would now be the favourite to bat number three against the Windies, and barring him running himself out or cramping up, should make runs against them and have the spot against Australia as well.

Although we should never discount the English selectors making a delightfully rash decision.

You might think Vaughan is a delightfully rash decision, but the truly delightfully rash decision would be Mark Ramprakash, the best number 3 in County cricket, scorer of one hundred hundreds, winner of dancing contests and many a middle aged woman’s heart.

If not him, then I am sure Darren Eyelids Pattinson could bat at three.

Remember to support the balls in the Ashes charity match spectacular.

Tagged , , , , , ,

New Surrey Post

Hello!

I’ve been away from the blog for a bit, I know. Have you missed me? Aw thanks.

Anyway, there’s a new Surrey post about Ramps’ hundredth hundred and the feeling of slight disappointment that I felt when it happened.

It’s HERE. Go crazy, kids.

Tagged ,

Ramps does helen mirren

I would like to congratulate Mark Ramprakash for truly showing us that test cricket is not important.

Making a mathematical landmark in an inferior competition, that is important.

It’s quite an achievement.

It’s like winning a commonwealth gold medal when you routinely didn’t make the finals of the Olympic finals.

Or, to use a far more apt analogy, it’s like wanting to fuck Natalie Portman and waking up with Helen Mirren.

Funny how no Australian (other than a freak of nature), South African or Indian batsmen ever make this landmark.

Perhaps they don’t hang around for long enough.

Tagged ,

Ask agony uncle

This is the first in the Agony Uncle series. Where we try and help a cricketer in need.

Hi CWB,

Hope you can help me, seems I have developed some performance anxiety issues when trying to consume my relationship for the 100th time. What is your advice? Please help me.

Dancin’ Man, Surrey.

Thanks for contacting us Dancin’ Man, we will do our best.

It was easy for you. Very few have ever done it better or more often. You breezed through it for so long. Now you are about to make it to a huge milestone and every one is talking about you and your prowess.

Suddenly, all these paranoid thoughts come to mind. What if I don’t do it right? What if Graham Gooch wants me to come to his house? What if I don’t last long enough? What if I turn into Graeme Hick? What if there is no climax? Then before you know it, things go completely awry.

And thus begins the vicious cycle, a self-fulfilling prophecy if you will, because this one time leads to other discouraging thoughts: Oh my God, what’s wrong with me? Is it going to keep happening? I really am a horrible lover and batsman… Stop it, NOW!

what’s happening here?

Performance anxiety is a very common problem in which men (and yes, even batsmen) acquire brutal anxiety when it comes time to engage in strenuous activity. What ultimately happens is that you become so fully engrossed in the fear of the inability to perform, that it ends up overtaking what should’ve been a spontaneous flow of cover drives.

The fear of not being able to perform sexually can affect guys in a variety of ways:

• They tend to avoid sexual encounters
• They can develop low self-esteem
• The lack of scoring ability
• The career may deteriorate
• Unable to put away balls on the pads
• It can lead to sexual dysfunction
• It can lead to piss taking posts written about them

But you know what? That’s not the way things have to be. The mind is a very powerful tool and today you’re going to learn how to use it to not only maintain an erection, but be the batsman your county always knew you could be.

take a look inside

Stress can stem from anywhere: your family is getting on your nerves, reality TV shows, the fact everyone one in the country with a key board has written about your special occasion, Mark Butcher, your team is about to be relegated, Patrick Kidd won’t stop calling you… you get the general idea.

The fact that these things are weighing heavily on your mind is deterring you from delving into your experience at the crease with no holds barred. And once you’re able to leave all the muck on the outside and let the pitch be your sanctuary, you will finally overcome your performance anxiety.

If you are having trouble with your sexual performance please go to Ask Men.

If you are having trouble making your 100th 100, just make it already.

Tagged ,
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 18,920 other followers