cricket with balls

If Marcus North and I were spies on the same side, I would kill him.

Not because I think he is a double agent, or even someone who could be flipped.

I would kill him because he cannot be trusted to perform his job.

Sure he is a nice guy, speaks well, gets his haircut in a predictable neat fashion, bowls less than shit off spin, has an “organised” game and has genuine strategic skills, but, he is not so much about the batting.

In 18 tests, 13 times he hasn’t reached 10.

Another 8 times he hasn’t reached 25.

In his over 7 innings he has done quite well.

And good for him, he was probably never really expected to make test cricket, and definitely surprised everyone with his 18 tests, but that is enough.

He isn’t quite up to it, and few are.

If Test Cricket were easy I’d be average 37 in it.

But, being nice and occasionally functional is not a thing.

It is far from a fucking thing.

It is a complete waste of everyone’s time.

This isn’t some young gun Australia are trying to give some games to so that he can grow like a rare flower in the future, he is 31.

And test after test he fails.

When he makes runs it shouldn’t be called a success, but a failure to fail.

This hurts me all the more because of all the Australian players in the team at the moment, I could see myself most likely with North on a balcony at 3am sipping whiskey while discussing socialism and it’s effect on Miike films.

But, if we were to do that now, and we were both spies, I’d have to pretend to get him some whiskey while I actually come up behind him and inject him with one of those CIA drugs that makes it look like natural causes.

I don’t want to have to do it, but Cricket Australia won’t take him out of the field, and if someone doesn’t get rid of North, I fear for my own fragile mental state.

Murder is not always the answer, but you know, sometimes it kind of is.

If Marcus North is a toaster, his display the other day was the equivalent of a toaster making waffles.

When you put bread into the toaster you don’t expect waffles to come out, but how cool would it be?

The problem is how often can you expect waffles from your new magic still unable to toast that well toaster.

Not often.

But, could you throw out a toaster that once made you waffles?

Maybe, but not straight away.

You’d keep it around to see if the weird shit keeps happening.

And that is the thing with Marcus, they can’t get rid of him now, even if they want to.

The man makes waffles out of toast, sure they were weirdly shaped comical waffles, but when your main bowler is struggling to hit the cut strip, you’ll take waffles in any shape.

I’m now confused as to what his future should be.

On one hand, six wickets, come on, that is pretty handy. Imagine if he puts the odd six for with his runs. That is a cricketer worth having.

On the other hand he took the wickets against a improvisational comedy group, plus Michael Clarke, Michael Bevan and Simon Katich have six wickets hauls. Get over it and make some fucken important consistent runs.

When selectors get confused they generally stay with the devil they know.

It seems wrong to call Marcus a devil, he is much more like a toaster, and with his waffles I doubt he is getting dropped in a hurry.

No, really, what is Marcus North?

You’ve probably asked yourself the same question.

Only because the answer is not instantly available.  It isn’t like Marcus jumps out of the box screaming what he is.  He spends his life in the box.  Finding new and interesting ways to be largely uninteresting.

When arriving at the crease today the only thing that he was ever going to be was a wicket.  Within seconds of his arrival I tweeted that people should bet that he would make less than 27 runs, the tweet was hardly up when he was bowled.

I think that is what I know about Marcus North, I know what he is not.

A test match number 6.

A spinner capable of taking important wickets.

A consistent batsman.

The problem is these things are rather important.

Let me explain, imagine you are the Chairman of selectors for Australia.  Now imagine you went to a retail outlet and bought a toaster and you came back home, plugged it in, put bread in it, and what came out was either adequately toasted bread or burnt toast, what would you do next?

Because the toaster isn’t doing what you want.  From your time at the store you remember that there are many toasters that could do the job for you, some are cheaper and could last longer, others have better special features.

Perhaps you bought this one in haste.  It felt good at the time, and it worked so well the very first time you toasted.  You were understandably pleased with its success.

This original toasting, and a few isolated toastings since, were so good that you may have not spent enough time really evaluating the failed toastings.

You did have a few good looks at the toaster. It is built correctly, you could even say the parts are organised well, but the whole toasting experience leaves you less than satisfied.

I mean, fuck, man, you just want some fucken toast, right?

You understand that at times the toast will be less cooked or more cooked than you want, few toasters are perfect, but you wont abide by burnt toast.

After all this you’d come to the conclusion that you must turf your toaster and get a new one.

So while you are doing that you should probably drop Marcus North as well, as he isn’t a toaster or a test batsman.