Tagged with lasith malinga

Sri Lankan soap opera production’s presents: The Balcony

A team in political crisis playing the form of the game they understand, completely choke an English line up to within inches of defeat.

We start with overpriced bad blended whisky poured into glasses in preparation for their win at the unofficial home of cricket.

Stuart Law is out the back booking flights to bangladesh, his work is done.  Marvan Attapatu is doing stomach crunches.  Lasith Malinga is eating whatever food Duleep Mendis has left behind.

And only Dilshan watches on the whole time. His face tattooed into a single look of “I think we’re alright, aren’t we?”

As the tension, from an artificial plot device, builds, the rest of the characters start becoming more prominent.

Lasith Malinga, who sprays the Lord’s members with samosa crumbs, is vitriolic towards the men in the middle. Screaming at them as the food in his mouth makes his words unintelligible.

Law, leaving his laptop for a moment, comes out to tell Dilshan that he has sent gloves out, and these are magic gloves that will save the day.

Dumith’s run out on the ground to bring gloves and water was brief respite from the seriouesness of the balcony, and his run back a few seconds later with a bat was a lovely almost instant call back that soap operas usually ignore.

The English boys all played their part.  KP the main who could not believe that anyone would put himself before his team.  Kieswetter as the guy trying to look angry while really looking like he was miscast.  To the outsider it may have looked Cook’s face never changed for a moment, but his subtle performance was all in the gap between his eyebrowes.

Mathews and Chandimal were amazing, giving the scene tension and farce, whilst reminding us that good writing doesn’t always have to be drama.  Mathews did so little in his performance that you could argue he was hardly there, but that was the real genius of him, he was the rock that the angst and worry pivoted around.

Attapatu was brilliant as the stoic friend to Dilshan who sits beside him as he goes through all the emotions, but never feels the need to complicate their relationship by speaking.

But ultimately it is Dilshan who steals the show.

Dilshan may be a pirate with a bat in his hand, but on the balcony he is the nervous matriarch of the family.  It’s his face that tells us that he is watching something going wrong.

As Chandimal and Mathews decided to get the remaining runs in agony, Dilshan’s face spoke to us all.

“Have I left the oven on.

Maybe I did leave the oven on.

I really can’t remember if I’ve left the oven on.

If I’ve left the oven, what will happen?

No, I didn’t leave the oven on, but I should always double check before leaving the house just to be sure.”

The whole time this happens, Dilshan barely says a word.

Yet, he carries the whole show.

It takes some special effort to be the man on the balcony, and still be the star.

Credits.

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balls profile: Lasith Malinga

Early on his career, Lasith Smith, realised he was often called a slinger because of his peculiar round arm action he had.  So he changed his last name to Malinga so he could get a rhyming nickname.  Perhaps no other bowler in history has constantly made the umpires change their appearance to make it easier for batsman to see the ball.  Took four wickets in four balls once, Sri Lanka lost that game.  Doesn’t seem to bowl anywhere near as fast as he used to. Has realised that his action is perfect for T20 cricket, as have the Sri Lankan selectors, who now rarely seem to call him up for anything else.  Malinga’s hair is not orthodox.

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Sri Lanka pictorial

I went to Sri Lanka, and I took a camera.

I couldn’t possibly show you every photo that was cricket related, but these are my favourites, they’re unedited, because I can’t be bothered.

Every night Mahela and I drink coke together, you could be this happy if you drink coke. Look how happy we are.  Really happy.

Hey man, what’s happening, yeah, coke man, i love it, I’m so fucking high right now, I know you can’t tell, cause I pull it off well, but really I am high.  But I look normal, don’t i.  I’m not, I’m high. Let’s go to white castle.

Not enough countries have cricket graffiti. This is a win for Sri Lanka.

A rare photo of Saddam Hussein and Murali.

Dude, buy coke for your family.  Sugar and caffeine rock.

A free book for the person to correctly name these 4 New Zealand cricketers.  Yes that is a trick question, no one can correctly name kiwi cricketers. Nathan McCullum is on the left, ladies.

Look at these dudes working and sitting on trucks while a cool photo of Malinga is in front of them.

I saw these guys at Dambulla.  I hope they all fail. Lazy bastards.

I also have more photos of Dambulla, but this is enough for one day, surely.

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the depressed sect

According to crockinfo Shaun Tait will be ready to fire first game next year for the Redbacks.

Probably a good thing for the Redbacks, they were crap before they lost Gillespie and Elliott and they are mega crap now.

To be honest I didn’t really read the article the first time, I just saw Tait’s manager was named McRitchie.

It’s like some weird McDonalds burger made of Richie Benaud.

Then I read the article and it said certain depressed AFL footballers and Marcus Trescothick reached out to him.

I didn’t know depressed people were so eager to reach out to each other.

But what Marcus said almost intrigued me as much as the McRitchie burger.

He said “hang in there and just realise there is more to life than playing international cricket”.

Brilliant observation, and also brilliant ashes 2009 planning.

As a mentally “more” fragile opening batsmen he would rather face less men like Tait and more men like Chaminda Vaas.

I’m not saying fast men caused Trescothick’s ills, but unless you’re a sado masochist like Langer, they can’t really help you.

So Trescothick gets on the front foot and plays with Tait’s mind.

Sure he only miss hits him through cover for two, but that’s better than what he has done against International bowlers for some time.

But Marcus there are so many other International speedsters you could fu©k with.

Brett Lee could be forced to room with Michael Clarke, all that fighting for the mirror would get to him.

Malinga could be lead astray by getting him a guitar. Because in a band is the only way that hair could be acceptable.

And Steyn could be forced to watch himself over react to getting Chris Gayle out for hours on end. If that doesn’t make him question his very existence, Marcus could hit him on the head with a shovel.

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White ball demons red ball angels

Cricket ball physiology is not a speciality of mine.

In Australia we used to play with Platypus balls, that swung a lot, but had no seam, and now we use Kookaburra which have a bit more seam, don’t swing much and go out of shape.

I have heard that duke balls are used in England and seem to dance a fair bit, but that is where my knowledge ends.

What I do know is that white balls and red balls have different personalities, and there seems to be a growing amount of bowlers who are legends with a white ball and chumps with a red ball.

Here is my top 5.

Nathan Bracken, Australia’s best female cricketer, and also Australia’s smartest one day bowler. In the top 5 one day bowlers in the world, and yet would need about 7 bowlers to fall ill or die in order to get his go at test level, why, because he is horrible with the red ball.

One day average 22, test average 40.

Agit Agarkar, can anyone believe he has had a career, I assume his selection was based on the fact Saschin likes having him in the change room. One day wise though the man is an animal, whether he gets wickets jut because people laugh at him is debatable, but you can’t argue with results, but you can take the p1ss out of his ears.

One day average 27, test average 47.

James Anderson, no one seems to hoop a white ball around as much as James Anderson. He bowls so well with the white ball, he has convinced himself he has some talent as a cricketer. Unfortunately as long as his @ss points to the ground he will never make a real test match bowler.

One day average 28, test average 39.

Mitchell Johnson, with a white ball in his hand he is a fiery demon from hell looking for Angels to obliterate. With a red ball he is a non issue most of the time, because you can’t reach his average delivery.

One day average 22, test average 32.

Lasith Malinga, has been around the scene for a while, but even though he has taken the odd bag of wickets in test cricket, his real value has been as a One day bowler. The last world cup he was a force to be reckoned with, but since then in tests he has just been ok.

One day average 25, test average 33.

Stuart Clark, Ntini, Harmison and Steyn are all the in the opposite camp.

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pretty boys

The team at Sportsfreak have had it with narcissistic cricketers.

Here is there story.

Boom Boom.

In the 1980s, the UK based fanzine (remember them?) ran a regular series called “Medallion Men”. This was devoted to players, not always of world-class, whose main claim to fame was in drawing attention to themselves by wearing ridiculous large medallions; often more than one. The general feeling was that these people backed themselves a bit. Phil DeFreitas was their ultimate Medallion Man.

Well fashion moves on. Yesterday’s medallions have been upstaged by today’s multi-coloured highlights, Alice bands, and body piercing. Today’s international cricketers vie with professional footballers in having a level of vanity matched only by a lack of taste. We list the leaders in this revolution.

10. Ryan Sidebottom

Unique in this list in that his mirror-staring is based on an image that is at least 20 years out of date. While retro may be in at the moment, was Michael Bolton ever worth imitating? However, the self-important flicking of the head to get rid of the permed locks from his face does add good comedy value.

9. Brendon McCullum

The man of the future. Not only does he sport a nice range of hair tint, but he also has a stamp album’s worth of tattoos adorning his body.

This is something typically reserved for rugby players; either code, but normally Polynesian; Baz has clearly decided that it is high time for cricket to catch up. Watch this space in 2010.

8. Brett Lee

Admittedly, he could be worse, and on the field is less image conscious than he was a few years ago. But anyone who has ever seen the Bolywood pop song will understand why he is on this list.

7. Jacob Oram

Is this some weird backlash to growing up in Palmerston North; a mini-city that is still waiting for the Beatles to arrive? But it is almost impossible why a The Perfect Boyfriend should first grow some queer mod mop, and then go through most shades of gold in his hair. Perhaps it’s just a throwback to his footballing past.

6. Lasith Malinga

If this guy had spent as much time watching his action in the mirror rather than his hair his action would be very different.

A perm and a dye all on the same head is quite special; but fast bowlers should not need to look like that to be scary.

5. Andrew Symonds

Another Englishman makes the list, and no explanation is required.

4. Kevin Pietersen

Where do you start? Lets start with the Beckham-like 3 Lions tattoo on the shoulder. Only a South African would be stupid enough to overlook the ugly hooligan images that one conjures up.

Then there is the skunk phase; followed by the current patchy skinhead look. None of them work, and neither does the ear-ring in every orifice routine. How does this guy get through airports?

3. Chris Gayle
Of all the players on this list, the attention to detail in working on his image while out there playing can get in the way of his performance. It’s bowling while making sure your head stays still so those sunglasses don’t fall off. And standing for 5 minutes on end with your hands in pockets may be dead cool, but it makes slip catching a bit difficult.

Way too much bling too, and a lot of it looks uncomfortable.

2. Stuart Broad

This one has come from nowhere. Son of a true Medallion Man, perhaps it should come as no huge surprise. But the main impact so far in career has been more from his striking hairstyle than performances on the field.

Although he bowls at a pace that may make him a test player one day, it is no surprise he has shone in the ODI format. This is probably due to the fact that it involves playing under lights. The kaleidoscope of colours his hair goes through as the lights take effect is pretty unpleasant. And the darkness around the eyes is just plain wrong.

1. Nathan Brackan

This guy looks so bad that even Chelsea would not employ him. During the length of this column Sportsfreak has been very careful not to stray into homophobia territory, but it is impossible to describe Bracken without going there.

He looks like the transvestite off Silence of the Lambs, and the deteriorating nature of his campness is the over-riding impression. Note how Harbidjan has never dared pat him on the botty.

Note There are a lot of fast bowlers in this list.

Ganguly, Michael Clarke, Shane Watson, Herschelle Gibbs, and Shoaib Akhtar were considered for this list but rejected due to the fact that their major reasons for ridicule lie elsewhere.

Scott Styris was similarly rejected.

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all hail the king

Pakistani’s have always been cool. Imran, Safraz, Abdul, Mushtaq, Afridi, Inzy… Hell the list is endless.

The other sub continent sides have been severely lacking in the coolness department. They have had the odd Fonz, like Ahzurrdin and Shastri, but they were the exceptions.

Times have changed though.

Somehow in spite of themselves India and Sri Lanka have produced cool players.

My thoughts on Yuvraj (sourav who) and Dhoni have been well known for a while.

But Sri Lanka has some dudes in their team now that are also quite cool. Malinga has a hair style that makes Nathan Bracken look straight, an eyebrow piercing and a bowling action that makes him look slightly retarded.

And yet the boy is still cool.

But he has nothing on the King.

Kumar is like Charlie Bronson in the dirty dozen, tough, talented and a mother f*cker to boot.

He is the prototype of what Sub Continental players should be.

Talented, gutsy, brilliant, aesthetically pleasing, and a player who loves a scrap.

He sledges like Steve Waugh in a world cup.

He bats like Lara used to when he was interested.

He keeps better than most of the worlds stoppers.

And of recent times he is as close to batting perfection as I have seen.

I think for the good of world cricket, he came along at the right time. The Proboters are starting to take over, and we need the likes of Kumar to fight the good fight.

Too many batsmen play like they are fighting for their mortagage, he bats like he is trying to win a cricket match.

Keith Miller style.

His innings in Tasmania was more than enough reason to keep Hobart on the map for the next few years.

Now he takes on England.

The Poms would have to be favourite for this series, but Australia only had to face him once and he damn near drew the series on his own.

If he averages under 70, England will win, if not, good luck England.

No one fu©ks with the king baby.

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malinga vs predator

One over can sometimes show you everything you need to know about a test. Two overs can explain a series. Three overs can explain a generation. Four overs can explain the very meaning of life it self.

Five overs is a bloody long spell for Shoaib Ahktar.

Sorry I got lost there, I was trying to talk about a spell Malinga (alien) bowled to Hussey (predator).

Malinga bowled really well in the first session, he should have had Hayden LB, he got Jacques to get a bottom edge, and he beat the bat continually.

In the second session he dropped off, but he also didn’t have the new ball.

By the time the third session was around, the Lankans were drooping. The first session erectness had gone, the second sessions semi hardness was waning.

Malinga tried to do what good quicks do, he tried to re-establish some dominance by bowling short.

It all started with a ripping bouncer that Hussey tried to hook, instead he got a top edge that flew fine and safe. He followed that up with another bouncer that was neither well bowled nor scary.

Next ball though he was at it again. This time Hussey stood up and gangster slapped it forward of square for a boundary.

Malinga’s next over started with a full one. That obviously didn’t do anything for him, so he thought he ‘d pop in one more bouncer, and it was dispatched like a gay man at a Pentecostal church.

After that King Probot decided that Malinga needed to be taught a lesson, so he smote a couple more cover drives just to show who was boss.

In 7 balls he had 16 runs, and Mahela slung Malinga back towards the paddock.

Game over man, game over. (Bill Paxton impersonations encouraged).


Editors note: In no way am i saying Michael Hussey reflects a Predator, he is a boring probot, however if Futurama has taught us anything it is that even robots can get angry and vicious. Which is what Hussey did for the 7 balls he resembled a Predator. Thank you to John for pointing this out.

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session update day 1 – lunch

Sri Lanka made a very bold move, dropping a man who took 1/102 to promote a man who has best bowling record in Australia for years.

Malinga may not have taken any wickets, but he bowled sh1t hot. He got Jacques edging one hand one bounce to the keeper. And he regulary beat the bat. At least he looked aggressive, and he was a hell of a lot harder to face than Vaas and his current brand of pies.

Maharoof bowled pretty well. He beat the bat a bunch of times, but he bowls far too short. He has what Big daddy would refer too as the Kasprowicz length.

Fernando bowled everywhere, he gave Jacques lots of nice balls to smash. Then he took a wicket. Which along with the fact that Natalie Portman hasn’t slept with me, just proves that there is no God.

Hayden batted like the wicket was a minefield. He had all the balance of a drunkard. Malinga had him plum, but Aleem Dar was looking over his visa forms and missed it. Eventually he was out to a half tracker from Fernando. 2 starts to Hayden, neither capitalised on.

I noticed something interesting about how the Lankans bowled to Jacques. They bowled an a$$ full of Yorkers to him. He played them with all the skill of Stuart MacGill in the dark. Trevor Bayliss was his old coach, Jacques Achilles heal perhaps?

Early on Jacques looked a bit everywhere, a few lucky edges, playing and missing and the like. Then Fernando decided to give him a helping hand. By bowling short outside off and mixing it up with some handy half volleys. What a nice guy. Now Jacques looks in brutal form.

Ponting looks a little nervous. You can tell he wants to make a big score.

Wicket looks flat already.

If Sri Lanka can pretend Fernando is injured, they have a nice bowling line up.

Murali bowled like 2 overs, so the match technically hasn’t started yet.

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