Tagged with lalit modi …

Mar 26 2010
1 Comment
IPL, kiwis

Chris Cairns wins money from Cricinfo over double-dip scandal

Chris Cairns:

“Modi is … possibly the most powerful man in world cricket today. I couldn’t believe what he’d said. My initial reaction of shock turned into outrage. I’m proud of what I have achieved in cricket and I am not going to have Modi or anyone else destroy that with baseless rumours that I double-dip.

Certain news agencies ran scandalous, rumour-based articles claiming that unsubstantiated allegations of double dipping were the reason for my contract being terminated. These rumours were nothing much more than “pub talk”. There is not any truth in any suggestion I have ever been associated with any type of double-dipping.”

The rumour only started because when I arrived in India for a pre ICL launch party someone claims that they saw me double dip, but that is not true.  When I grab chips I always grab two, and since I have big hands, it would be hard for people to see this, which is where all this nonsense started.

It was the IPL who asked me to play in their competition. Emails between Raman and myself followed and all was put in place in late December for my name to go on the initial list of 97 players available to be chosen for the final auction. I was asked about the double-dipping at that time, and I explained the two chip process, Modi was copied in on these emails, so he was fully aware of my eating habits.

Modi says that it is the IPL who invites players to put their names forward, and it is the IPL who can withdraw the invitation. I agree.  But for Modi to publicly express such damaging eating statements without any consultation or verification is incredible. I could have had one last hoorah on the cricketing fields of India. That hope was extinguished with a sledgehammer, all because of a chip.

I was – indeed am – proud of the career I carved out in the game. As I move on to other things I had hoped that I would now be able to walk around the cricket grounds of the world, eating chips, with a degree of comfort and hopefully respect. I had hoped too that if I was remembered, then it would be for my achievements on the field, not a rumour based on eating.”

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Mar 12 2010
27 Comments
IPL

The IPL has started

There was Lionel Ritchie singing with his microphone turned down. And other western acts.

Some drag queen dancing acts, except with the drag queens.

Bollywood stuff seemed to be happening as well.

Costumes that some people were comparing to klu klux klan on twitter.

Then Ravi yelled.

Andy Bichel did some commentary, he sounded like Danny Morrison on ketamine.

Lalit was missing most of the time, but in his place was a lady in a red dress, an obvious homage to the Matrix.

Brad Hodge looked pissed off.

Many snatch shots of the cheerleaders, none on super slow mo, maybe next year.

Angelo Mathews continues to not exist.

The Chargers song was remixed, still shit though.

Owais Shah had cut down his sleeves to show off the guns.

There were time outs, but they weren’t strategically named, but they were strategically used.

The IPL has ads between the balls, they are louder and less awkward than the Channel 9 versions.

ITV brought out Hoggard, Hick and some dude and some Indian chick for their coverage. Hoggy was ok, the rest were ordinary and only the Indian chick had done any research.

Gilly seemed to keep hitting the ball in the air and not getting caught.

I never thought I’d say this, but I wanted fake smiles from SRK.

Rohit Sharma continues to vie for Indian batsmen most likely to be assassinated.

The game fizzled out.

The Windies beat Zimbabwe.

Nap.

The IPL has started, not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with a carefully stage managed event that had shit western acts, lots of dancing, two teams making decent totals and Andy Bichel.

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Mar 04 2010
23 Comments
ICC

John Howard for President

Picking John Howard for the top ICC job is genius.

You might not think that would be my opening line, but think about it, the Australians have picked the one man who is way more of a cunt than Lalit Modi.

Just finding that person is hard, but then convincing him to take the job takes a special effort.

To be a cricket administrator these days you need to be either dictated to by big business, adept of strangling people with red tape or just evil. The ICC should be ecstatic they have found a man who excels on all fronts.

I can’t think of a more devious flawed con-artist to take the job, but being that the president of the ICC has as much power as the person who runs your local Video store, this is a perfect job for John Howard.

Not that he won’t try and get his hands dirty.

Any of the possible outcomes are possible:

Howard takes over the ICC and sees that the BCCI is the one true power and thusly shoves his nose up their ass and becomes their puppet. He justifies this by saying “while cricket fans may think I am making the wrong decision, as far as the economic situation dictates at this present time there is simply no other option for myself on behalf of the International Cricket Council and that I now feel like I have solidified a strong strategic allegiance with the Board of Cricket Control in India. I am sure that when they sit down to meet they will take the best interests of the world wide game into their minds before they make any decisions based on what suits their own interests best.”

Howard decides that the IPL is the enemy and that it must be broken down so it does not massively destruct the game of cricket. He plans to attack the league on many fronts to divide and conquer, he even declares victory, but it is obvious that he has no real idea what he is talking about and the IPl continues to flourish. Lalit Modi does get fired as the commissioner and Howard then claims that it was his plan all along to make Lalit step down and he thinks that in this current state the IPL is a good for cricket.

Howard declares that Pakistan shall be kicked out of cricket. At first he declines to give reasons, but when asked, the ICC, on his behalf, claim that the whole Pakistani team is involved in match fixing. The media goes into a frenzy, some stating that Howard did the right thing, others staring at the flimsy evidence that is put forward by the ICC. Shortly after an ICC employee admits to faking the evidence and the ICC hires a new PR team.

On Howard’s first trip to Sri Lanka he has to give a speech to their cricket board and interested parties about his previous calls that he believes Murali is a chucker. The speech goes well with Howard humbly apologising, making jokes at his expense and admitting that he was not fully informed at the time of the comment. Most Sri Lankans take it well but Arjuna Ranatunga refuses to accept the apology and drills many hard hitting questions at Mr Howard which makes him sweat in the warm climate and he loosens his shirt collar only for a bullet proof vest to be visible underneath. This does not please the Sri Lankans much.

Howard stops wearing green tracksuits and starts wearing ICC issue pyjamas everywhere he goes.

Nothing changes because the position of the ICC president is the most unpowerful seat in cricket; even the gate attendant at McLean Park in Napier has more.

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Jan 22 2010
aussies, IPL, pakistanis

Ponting killed in tragic mistaken identity case

ricky modiHow do you know your cricket community has gone to shit?

You burn a toy that relates to the wrong country.

If these Pakistanis had any pride in their effigy they’d burn Apu from the simpsons.

This is sloppy fucken work, and if I was the insane bastard in charge of a posse batshit crazy enough to burn things, I’d at least get the metaphors right.

I assume the group, Pakistani Unified Burnt Effigies Syndicate,  had this toy ready expecting Ponting to anally rape Yousuf at the toss, or start throwing shoes at Umar Akmal, and when he didn’t they had the Tassie Devil (a token character, as he hasn’t lived there in how long?) taking up space.

Someone probably said, what does Lalit Modi look like, and someone else said, a smug prick, the first dude probably said, Ricky Ponting is a smug prick.

See how easy these things can get out of hand.

What they need is strong leadership, is Shoaib Malik free?

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Nov 03 2009
indians, IPL

lalit gets whacked

I’ve just been reading an interview that Lalit Modi gave to Karan Thapar.

For most of the interview Lalit seems to be saying that every quote Karan uses has been taken out of context. He could be right, but it seems illogical that every single comment could be out of context.

Lalit is wasting his time with cricket, the man has to get himself into politics.

There is one point in the interview that I just couldn’t overlook.

“Lalit Modi: You are absolutely wrong. The quality of cricket that is played in the IPL is by far the best in the cricket matches that I have seen or for that matter anybody else has seen. The entertainment outside the ropes is only an add-on. It’s the quality of cricket that creates the viewership, and not the add-on.”

Whoahhhhhh.

This interview was given after the champions league. I understand standing up for your product, but don’t include others in your biased, and factually wrong statements.

Has anyone, other than Lalit, or people on the IPL payroll ever said that the quality of cricket in the IPL is BY FAR the best in cricket matches that they have seen?

Doubtful.

I like the IPL, keeps march and april interesting and all, but the level of cricket was just ok. The champions league pretty much proved that.

It certainly isn’t better than international cricket.

The interview is definitely worth a few minutes, it also covers the fact that Manish Pandey (if you don’t know who he is this will be a complete mindfuck) considers himself a celebrity. And some very interesting stuff about the fact that senior players have complained about younger players not putting in for their ranji sides.

Lalit does well to weasel his way around most of the questions. Got to respect that.

EDIT: Thanks to Homer, we now have the youtube links of the interview. Part one, Part two, Part three, Part four.

I found it great viewing, the more condescending Karan gets, the smugger Lalit looks.

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Oct 20 2009
champion's league

thank you, lalit

It is easy to take the piss out of Lalit Modi.

Look he is a greedy wanker who once pleaded guilty to kidnapping.

Look he has paid people to listen to him now the camera is on.

Look he is talking on two phones at once.

Look at his face, he is clearly the Ricky Ponting of Sports Admin.

But, think about what he has done for us.

He has given us three cricket sides that cost roughly 300 Million USD to be put together.

Only 170 Million of that was on the Deccan theme tune.

Then he put these three teams into a tournament especially set up so that they would have a second chance to shine.

He invited others for the hell of it.

And then his 3 millionaire clubs all fell down.

Not one of these sides has even made the semi finals.

That is quite an effort.

Instead we have the great story of the Trinidad & Tobago team captained by the smooth drink of water that is Daren Ganga.

And 3 other teams.

Lalit, i thank you for allowing all of us to laugh at millionaires and IPL teams, while giving us the gift of Ganga.

You are truly a good hearted man.

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Oct 09 2009
champion's league

IPL teams to boycott remaining Champion’s League matches

Controversy has hit the Champion’s league with the IPL franchises from Bangalore and Delhi deciding to pull out of the competition.

The organisers of the tournament are in shock, and have started making calls to other non Pakistani 2020 domestic teams to see if they can fill in.

The move comes after a contract dispute between the Champion’s League and the IPL teams.  Originally the teams were promised that they would be the best sides in the competition. It became clear to Delhi and Bangalore in their first games that this was not the case.

They shared their reservations with Lalit Modi and other key members of the organising committee on Friday night, but it appears that the talks broke down almost before they started.

Amongst the revelations is that both sides believe they were guaranteed semi final places by key officials, but there is no paperwork that backs up this claim.

There is no word yet on what Deccan will do, they are still yet to play their first game, but as some of their players were overheard saying they considered their first game a bye, you would assume they are still happy to go ahead in the tournament.

This is a blow for the tournament that is still reeling from the fact that Shaggy was the best artist they could get for the opening ceremony. With reports coming in that the crowd for the first game that had no Indian teams participating, NSWales Vs Diamond Eagles, was 11 people until the 13th over, this is the last thing this exciting new venture in cricketainment would want.

Indian fans are upset too.  Being that 82% of them voted Lalit Modi the saviour of Indian cricket, they cannot believe that he would let this happen.

At least one Indian politician has called for the tournament to be scrapped and for Lalit Modi to be sacked.

Champion’s League officials are working through the clock to try and keep the tournament alive, Lalit Modi was least seen talking on three mobile phones at the one time.

EDIT: I can’t believe I have to say this, but this is satire.

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Oct 09 2009
champion's league

lucky lalit

I want Lalit Modi’s luck.

Twice now he has started a new tournament and some random dude with no affiliation to him has lit the stadium on fire.

Come on.

When I was a kid any time something happened out of the ordinary in a Kerry Packer series my father would yell that the game was fixed.

He was convinced that any favoured team that was losing, sitters that were dropped or reckless shots must have been because Kerry Packer wanted intrigue, close games or upsets.

My dad’s hatred of Packer was pretty intense and often skipped over logic.

It is also how many people think of Lalit Modi.

Even those who don’t know about his scandalous past.

So now that Prince Brendon and the Caped Cobra Duminy have provided his tournaments with kick-ass panty-dropping show-stealing chicken-molesting opening games will people start to question Lalit’s luck?

I’m not sure how you rig a match so that JP comes out and hits 99 off 50 odd balls, but I say if he can do it then he has earned his millions.

During most of the first Champion’s League match I was snoozing.

Ross Taylor seemed to move the total beyond a nervy Caped Cobra’s line up.

But just when it looked like his new tournament was going to start with a nothing game JP took over and I think, although I am not sure, Harsha Bhogle might have soiled himself in excitement.

He said it was the best innings he had ever seen.  I assume he meant in the Champion’s league.  Or in the last 3 days.

Two new series, two attention seeking opening games, if he isn’t lucky, and doesn’t rig them, then he must have sold his soul.

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Sep 27 2009
aussies, general balls, umpires

Zombie Cricket

There’s always been something vaguely irksome about umpire Steve Davis. Until today I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. Then, during the India v Pakistan game, it all became clear to me.

Steve Davis is a zombie. OK, he’s a rather well-fed zombie, but a zombie nonetheless.

Watch him, the next time the cameras close in on him. Have you ever seen anyone look more vertically dead? The lack of movement. The deathly pallor. The almost closed eyes. The fact that every time he makes a signal, you expect his arm to fall off.

The undead have long stalked the corridors of cricket – Lalit Modi, Alec Bedser, Richie Benaud, Bob Willis – but it is years since we saw one on the pitch. No wonder you only ever see Davis in day/night games…

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Jun 03 2009
ICL

The BCCi ICL Amnesty Ceremony

In order for any ex ICL player to be let back into proper cricket they have to go through a few ceremonial activities.

They shall be flogged by ex test players who are currently finding it tough to make ends meet.

Players must bathe themselves in the urine of the pure, the under 23 IPL players.

All hairs must be plucked from their bodies, one by one, in a process that should take 5 days.

They shall have cheese graters taken over their testicles by the best Italian chefs in India.

Their nipples shall be cut off with butter knives, and sewn back on by excitable teenage girls.

They shall have to spend one hour with Navjot Siidhu.

Players will have to impale themselves on bat cones, and then switch bat cones with the person to their right.

Each player must cook and eat their faeces.

And then to finish it off, the players have to grovel at the feet of Lalit Modi until he thinks they have learned their lesson.

I know what you are thinking, I can’t wait to see this.

Well luckily for you Zee TV are showing it, all they need to do is kill off the first born child of each employee and Lalit will allow them full access.

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