Tag Archives: lalit modi

For Lalit

Recently I was contacted by Kavita Gupta who is doing PR for Lalit Modi, and was asked if I could put up a post that they had written for my site and others.

Below is what they have written, and what I think of what their stuff is underneath each segment.

Hi,

As you are amongst one of the prominent cricket blogger, an interesting write up is mentioned below for you. Request you to publish it on your blog.

Amongst? I thought I was the shit.

(Title)”MODI SPEAKS UP AND SPEAKS OUT”

Sounds like a fitness class, now up and out your modi.

(Body) “Lalit Modi, the architect and founder of the Indian Premier League (IPL), has said in his first full interview since his suspension as commissioner of the cricket league in April that he has ‘no regrets’ about sending a Twitter message that led to the resignation of an Indian government minister.

No regrets? I can’t believe that, he must at least have regrets about doing it on twitter.

That’s just one point made by Mr Modi in a frank filmed interview with former BBC Sports Editor Mihir Bose who tackled the flamboyant entrepreneur on numerous issues, including why he is not living in India, whether his family received favours from their involvement with IPL teams, cricket match fixing and allegations of financial mismanagement at the IPL, as well as the tweet that saw foreign affairs minister Shashi Tharoor step down.

I’d like to see Mihir Bose actually tackle Lalit Modi, I would watch that. Gelly wrestling.

The whole 40 minute interview is available to watch from today (Thursday 22 November, 2010) on YouTube and on the Indian entrepreneur’s new website, http://www.lalitmodi.org.

40 minutes? I’m 140 characters or less when it comes to Lalit.

Mr Modi said: “I’ve had so many media requests in the last few months to give my side of the story that I’ve lost count. I have been eager to speak up. And to be interviewed by such a respected business and sports commentator like Mihir Bose place the full version on YouTube and on my website means I can’t be accused of favouring any particular aspect of the media.

Here is a media request for you, fuck off.

“Of course, they’ll be some critics to such an approach but quite frankly I’ve had more than my fair share of unsubstantiated criticism of late and some carping from the sidelines isn’t going to disturb me.

Excellent, so fuck off.

“Mihir did his own research, we met in London with his film crew and with no pre-warning from him on the questions he was going to ask, we shot the candid interview.

Wow, a reporter did his own research, perhaps we should give him a medal.

“The really important thing for me was to speak up after several months of intense speculation and address the matters that have been levelled at me and let the public make their own mind up after seeing the interview.

Yeah, wait several months, make yourself look like a crook, hide out, let the Indian press carve you up, and then speak out, good thinking.

“At the end of the day I hope that the viewers see my story as the truth.”

At the end of the day, really, Lalit?

ENDS”

Thank fuck.

A lesson for all PR companies, don’t send me bullshit PR for someone who even a casual search on this site would show that I can’t stand the bastard.

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what really happened to Zulqarnain Haider

It seems that some time between the fourth and fifth one dayer Zulqarnain Haider just up and vanished.

As one of Zulqarnain Haider’s closest facebook friends, he has kept me in the loop the whole time, and only now that he is safe I can reveal the details.

In the fourth one dayer Zully Q-dawg (as he likes to be called) hit the winning runs.  He did this with style and class as his way.  Unfortunately this angered a very powerful man.

Kamran Akmal.

While Zully Q-dawg was bathing in champagne, Kamran was planning his demise.  We all see Kamran as a bit of a bumbling buffoon, and with the gloves on he is.  Off the field is a whole different story, Kamran is super smooth, and often resembles a European gigolo in an American film.

Kamran put the squeeze of Zully Q-dawg, getting his cronies to tell him, “there is only room for one Pakistani keeper in neutral venues, so if you want to keep your fingers, we suggest a sudden holiday, you dig”.

Zully Q-dawg digged, and he boarded a jet plane.

When he arrived he called the one man he knew that could hide without being found, Lalit K Modi.  Modi and Zully Q-dawg go back a long way.  They used to play bridge together in Belgium in the late 90s.

Lalit told Zully Q-dawg that he could help him out, as long as Zully Q-dawg was willing to digitise himself.  As a keen micro-blogging social-networker, Zully Q-dawg had no idea what Lalit was talking about, but it sounded cool.

From there Lalit hooked him up with a room of computer geeks, and disappeared into the afternoon.

These computer guys then digital transfer him to a digital world, you know, like Tron.

There Zully Q-dawg runs free while throwing frisbees and playing games.  He tells me via email that he has never been happier.

He will come back, one day, when we all deserve him.

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Lalit Modi to chair the ICL

Indian Cricket League announces today that Lalit Modi will be accounced as chairman of the Indian Cricket League from 1 November 2010.

Lalit Modi, who has recently stepped down as chairman of the IPL and Vice President of the BCCI, will join the Indian Cricket League to give the company more focus and make it an international player again.

Mr Chandra said: “I am delighted to be handing over to Lalit. He is one of India’s leading franchise cricket operators and has strong links to the players. He got KP on twitter, that is pretty impressive”.

“I am sure his vast experience, particularly in backroom politicking and blatant self promotion, will be of great benefit to the ICL in ensuring our continued resurgence as India’s leading rebel cricket league.”

“The ICL was originally in direct competition with Lalit Modi’s IPL, we were not strong enough to defeat him.  With Lalit on our side, we have the BCCI’s rabid corporate dog on our side, and we hope he will take a bite or two for us.”

Lalit said: “You thought I wuz finished, well fuq all ya zeros. The ICL iz gettin wit da hero, biaches. Yall bettah git on yo’ knees an’ pray I don’t sheeit in yo’ breakfast. I gots lot o’ enemies in dis here world, but they’ll be gone soon, Ima gonna rip dis here sheeit up, three blackberries at once, press conferences wit players on twitter, cigarette companies owning everyfuckenthing, coke (not pepsi), da blingiest shirts ever, uh celebrity playin in every team, Russian owners, nahh Chris fucken Cairns, players tweeting on da field, iphone apps available fo’ wicket keepers, holograms on da cheeks o’ bowlers as dey come in, every blade o’ grass will be branded. This sheeit iz about ta git tight, so buckle up mudda fuckers. The ICL just got entered by Lalit, nothin gonna be da same. The ICL wuz like me, dead, but we’s iz risin up from da dead ta jack yo’ ride an’ fuq yo’ daughter. ICL ta da death, homes.”

The ICL is already signing some big name players because of Lalit’s comeback, it is believed Andy Bichel, Craig White, Mark Richardson and Basit Ali have all signed up.

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The abridged version of Lalit Modi’s response to the second show-cause notice

Over at cricinfo there is the complete and uncut Lawyer’s edition of what Lalit Modi said in response to the BCCi’s second show-cause notice.

I’ve read it, and somehow I survived.

It is really long. I obviously don’t like long. I like short. Like this sentence. Or this one.

But you still need to know what is says.

So here it is boiled down to twitter length nuggets.

“Giles thinks our shit is because of a personality clash. I think it is because he is a cunt.”

“Differences between Giles and me came in connection to me calling him a cunt, and him calling me a dodgy bastard.”

“I don’t give a fuck about some English idiot who can’t wear suits that fit, give me my league back.”

“Giles is a prick, but I made you millions and you guys are still giving me shit. That’s cold, dawg”.

“In this particular even I did nothing wrong, and here is 7417 words to prove this. Suckers.”

“I really am a good guy, trust me on that. You should give me my job back, or I’ll send more emails this long.”

There are probably really important details in his email, but that is the thing with things of this length, yawn.

Lalit is fighting for his career, and this is the email of someone fighting for his career.

The good thing about this conflict is you don’t have to pick sides, you can hate Giles and Lalit and then have a glass of mountain dew (or put Vodka in it and call it Goat’s piss).

As for the email, this is a hardcore apologia. Nerdy children should read this for when they want to get out breaking their mum’s vase in a mock indoor test match.

It isn’t the first apologia I’ve read in recent times, the last one was “written” by Ricky Ponting in the form of a diary.

Lalit and Ricky don’t like each other, but when it comes to explaining away why other people are in the wrong and they are in the right, both of them are very similar.  They write very long things that put me to sleep.

Maybe they aren’t so different. They should start a club.

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Who hasn’t defamed Lalit Modi?

Lalit Modi has now taken his pissy little administracratic grudge match with Giles Clarke to the next level by suing him for defamation.

I have no idea how rich Giles is, but his suits never fit, and that is never a good sign.

The problem with Lalit just suing Giles, the man he barely contains his hatred for, is that he is leaving out at least 70% of all cricket fans.

I cannot believe that even those who like the IPL haven’t defamed Lalit just once or twice.

The last time you mentioned him to your mates you probably defamed him.

There, you just did it again, didn’t you?

In modern cricket there is no one easier to defame than Lalit, he practically demands you to have a go at him.

I’ve never been sued for defamation (it amazes me too), but Lalit would be a good place to start.

Lalit knows what it is like to be on both sides of defamation after twittercusing Chris Cairns of match fixing. Although I believe he is still yet to be served for that one.

As for the reasons of the Giles lawsuit, it seems a bit unnecessary, Giles is accused of saying Lalit was trying to take over world cricket and English cricket, if you are a well funded politically minded cricket administracrat and you haven’t ever thought of taking over English or World cricket, you aren’t really trying.

I plan on taking over world cricket all the time.

It is just I have no money, contacts, or natural Lalit business sense.

I don’t think Giles’ comments really changed anyone’s mind on Lalit, the good thing about Lalit is most of us found it easier to not like him from the start.

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Why cricket needs Lalit Modi

Today England have to let go KP so he can rush home to watch his popette wife can deliver his spawn.

I’ve written before and International cricketers’ WAGs needing to fit their gestation into the Future Tours Program.

Sadly, they have not listened and Mrs KP is now going to produce her little KP during a ICC tournament.

Instead of making a big deal about it, the ECB are handling it with properness and decorum.

This is obviously the wrong way to handle it.

For one, KP is being allowed to go home.

KP is box office.  People love to see him fail and make runs.  People love the drama he brings with every slightly nerdy red bull run. He is England’s franchise player.

By allowing him to go home they are robbing themselves of him for at least one game, which might not seem like much, but during a tournament as jam packed as this one, it needs as much KP as you can squeeze in.

This is how I believe Lalit would handle the situation.

KP would never be allowed to go home.

Instead Mrs KP would be flown out, on a private plane, to barbados.  The camera crews would be tipped off as to when she was traveling over, so that there were heaps of shots of her and her team of medical professionals (good looking Indian Doctor and team of 6 blonde nurses).  For the next few hours news stations would be showing these clips on a loop.

Then Mrs KP and the team arrive and are hidden away amongst much secrecy.  Hopefully by this time the private jet, sexy medic team, shots at the airport in London have whipped the media into a frenzy.  I could imagine Sky Sports Tim Abraham outside the team hotel saying, “We’ve been informed that Mrs KP is fine, but there is still plenty of Mystery around as to why Mrs KP has been flown over. Some of the more out there conspiracy theories is that the team are to eat the placenta in a team bonding exercise.”

On twitter Lalit could have laughed off that.

Instead what Lalit does is organise a tent to be out on the ground, a medically sound tent, so before England’s next match Mrs KP can be cesarianed on the ground, for decency and medical reasons it will be not be shown to the crowd.

After she has given birth, the baby will be suitably cleaned and attired.

Then KP shall exit the tent, him wearing his English kit, the baby in a teeny tiny replica shirt (with Pietersen on the back).

KP shall then lift the child into the air, Lion King style.

At this stage the only people on the ground, who aren’t in the tent, should be KP, baby KP, and the cameraman and crane operator who are shooting the momentus occasion with the Michael Bay shot of tracking around KP and baby.

If the ICC tried to stage manage this event Mrs KP would give birth in a community hospital to a intern on her first day on the job.

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Lalit Modi and Me

Today cricket died a little.

The man that we all love, the man that took cricket from the arthritic fingers of the ICC and turned it into money, the man that made talking on two phones at once an artform, the man is suspended.

Suspended is tying it in a bow and getting a clown to deliver it. One way or another, Lalit is on his way out.

Lalit Modi is the man I have tried to emulate as much as I could.  In bizzaro world I am him and he is me.  We have an unspoken bond that would make the most lust filled teenagers blush.  If you cut him, I bleed.

Right now I am bleeding as various people are following Lalit with Lawyer sharp machetes trying to cut him down for ever.

Behind him is a trail of shredded paper that says things about tax, impropriety, political favours, tweets, lawsuits, spot fixing and all those dirty little secrets that lots of people have suspected.  All the good things in life.

Not all of it is his, perhaps none is, but the man has run out of favours, and when you have burnt as many bridges as Lalit has, favours are important.

Like all of the most maverick cricket administracrats, Lalit flew to close to the sun.  We know that the average administracrat is a smooth talking, quick minded, angry, slick individual, but Lalit was so much more.

He tweeted.  He smoked.  He bullied.  He improvised.  He libeled (allegedly). He was the power, the throne, and the bump you hear in the night.  His raw suxual mojo was too much for the stuffy shirt brigade and like Bettie Paige he was held accountable for being whatever every official wanted to be.

Now all we can do is cry while cricket has lost an Armani wearing gladiator, someone who showed us all that in cricket, the pen is mightier than the bat.  While others sat around letting cricket just happen, Lalit got in there, replaced some organs, gave it a plastic surgery and bought it a sexy outfit.  He was cricket’s prince Charming, nicer than Mr Darcy, more emotional than Edward in twilight, hotter than Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing.

While Lalit was around, nobody put cricket in the corner.

Without Lalit the IPL would have been a terrible waste of money, instead in the Aaron Spelling like hands of Lalit, the IPL is, well whatever the IPL is.

Losing Lalit leaves a whole of despair and isolation in my heart that may never be healed.  Sure there will be other slicked back officials coming in and changing the game as we know it, but Lalit was my first.  It was he whom I gave myself to, and as I lie here naked all I can think about is the great times we had together.  Those whipped cream filled nights will be what I think of every night as my head touches the pillow.

Now that he is to be killed, and his body to be fed to other eager potential commissioners, I think the IPL should honour him from next year on.

Surely as much as some of you hate him, none of you would begrudge the IPL for having a “Lalit moment of success”.

As Elton John said, “Your candle burned out long before the legend ever did”.

Dance hard, my tiny little dancer.

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Gambhir’s thoughtcrime

I can say that Rajasthan Royals are ordinary.

So you can.

You can point to any number of facts:

The fact they have lost more games than they have won.

Their gun strike bowler goes at 8 and half runs an over.

Their batting was reliant on one big hitter and their keeper, now they have added Watson to it.

People keep making encouraging noises about Michael Lumb, almost ignoring the fact he hasn’t gone beyond 45 and averages 23.

Warne’s shoulder seems to almost detach after each delivery.

The Damien Martyn experiment failed, surprising everyone.

Adam Voges is there best-performed player, and they don’t pick him.

They’re the very definition of ordinary.

When they do win, it needs to be a special effort from Yusuf or one of those terribly earnest team efforts where everyone does well.

They could still come good, there is no reason why they couldn’t slip into fourth place, actually there are many reasons why they couldn’t, but they still could.

So if you are asked about them, you can call them ordinary.

Unless you happen to be an IPL captain, then you can’t.

Gautum City Gambhir was asked about Rajasthan, he said they were ordinary, actually he said this, “I think Rajasthan was never a threat. Except for Yusuf Pathan, the other guys were pretty ordinary. We thought Yusuf was the only danger-man and didn’t bother too much about anyone else”.

That is the truth.

Not the universal truth, but that is what Gambhir thought, then he said it, people nodded, and Lalit Modi got angry.

Perhaps Lalit got angrier because his team is Rajasthan, or perhaps he got angry because someone inside the bubble dared say anything negative about the IPL.

Either way, it is the sort of thing anyone who hates the IPL expects Lalit to do.

They expect him to be this Orwellian evil figure that punishes people for daring to do anything less than continue to believe in his own magnificence.

He plays the role so well.

Ofcourse Gambhir should be allowed to say Rajasthan are ordinary.

I can see why he shouldn’t be allowed to say something like, “Fuck me, I couldn’t believe how Fucken shit they all were.  It was like playing against a special needs team.  The only bright light in this team, other than Warne’s radioactive teeth, is Yusuf, and the big fucker can’t play a short ball. No, they is the rubbish, complete dribble, we had to be careful not to laugh at them when the cameras panned in our direction, you could call them ordinary, but you’d be being nice.  To be honest, I only play in this shit cause I want to build a grotto in my back yard, otherwise I’d be in Mauritius having a holiday”.

But he didn’t, he just said ordinary, and then was fined, by the ex-president of Rajasthan Cricket Association.

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Hitler angry at Modi

After Hitler’s cricket manifesto bombed, he tried to buy an IPL franchise:

Via eyepeeyell.

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