Tagged with kevin pietersen …

Jul 11 2008
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KP & Andre, sitting in a tree

KP & Andre, sitting in a tree

Andre hugged KP.

It’s true.

KP said so.

Andre Nel may be a mentally unstable dude, but he has feelings.

He is the first to cry when sending his hero, Allan Donald, to hospital, and now he has hugged KP on what a very emotional day for the English number four.

Cricket With Balls is willing to give you a special dramatization of this moment.

KP floats around the change room as if he is walking on air.

He wafts from player to player giving them as much detail on his innings as he can. His delivery is similar to teenage girls talking about how Beau and Nathan kissed last night at the high school formal.

This goes on for a good 45 minutes, before all but Stuart Broad have left.

Broad sits by KP’s side for an hour, KP is ebullient, and gesticulates widly and even gives the odd squeal.

Finally he is out of breath and he pauses, only to hear “Don’t want you back, Cuz you’re no good for me, I know, That’s all I can say, Don’t want you back” coming from Stuart Broad’s Ipod mini.

Once the change room is empty, KP gathers himself and struts into the South African change room, his eyes wild with the sort of passion that excites middle aged house wives.

He exchanges glances with Graeme Smith, as their eyes meet they go cold, and the tension is literally palpable.

Nasty break ups are the worst.

Andre bounds over to him, he is wearing a black leather jacket, a fish net singlet and plus fours.

He Jumps on KP and starts to grind into him like a lonely great dane, left to fend for itself on a 4 acre estate.

KP strokes Andre’s back, which only gets the ex exiled white bowler more excited.

They take it back to the English change room, as KP notices Graeme Smith reaching for his shot gun.

Things get gropey fast in the empty change room, there is dirty talk nasty enough to strip the paint.

Andre drops his plus fours to the floor, behind him there is some sort of commotion.

KP hears the press core just outside the door.

He looks at Andre, and then back at the media pack and whispers, I’m sorry, leaving Andre in a very vulnerable state.

But one cannot ignore his true love.

True Story.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jul 11 2008
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Kp proves his nationality

KP talks a lot of shit.

That’s ok, at least he says more than 98% of sport stars in the world.

Yesterday he was emotional, not at his hundred, but at the 12 minute standing ovation he waited for.

He finally feels accepted by the English fans.

“This makes me feel so, so loved.”

How sweet.

He followed it up with.

“I feel as English as anybody, and I absolutely love it”.

This was after he had made 104* off 133 balls.

Sorry KP, that does not make you English.

That makes you South African.

English batsman don’t take charge of a situation like that.

The potter around.

They are stoic.

They make starts and give them away.

Ian Bell, 75* off 148, that is English.

When your strike rate was at 50 last year, English.

When it is over 75, South African.

It’s your nation KP.

Would like to say though, hell of a South African innings he played.

It’s every boys dream to play on Lords against your country and make a hundred.

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Jun 28 2008
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KP’s first team meeting

KP: Hello Everyone, what’s my name?

Everyone: KP.

KP: Good, ok team tactics, play like me, at all times, I want you to look good, be confident, groom yourself well, and have an uptight swagger.

Everyone: Ok.

KP: What’s my name?

Everyone: KP.

KP: Nice, Ryan, you’ll need a hair cut if you want to bowl.

Jimmy, ever thought of an accent.

Cooky, go easy on the eye make up, don’t wanna upstage me now.

Belly, keep playing as usual, no threat there.

Ravi and Owais due to my quota system you have missed out and two South African Englishman will be brought in.

Luke, I want you to bat stoically, really knuckle in, no big shots.

Swanny, your playing as a batsman, I’ll take your overs.

Broady, you’ll bat at 3.

And Timmy, your doing super.

In the field I want you to be alert, but not alarmed, if the ball is not in play, I want your eyes on me.

When I do something good, I want a minimum of 3 players to come over and pat my back.

Also if grass or dirt get on my clothes I want someone to subtley brush it off in the form of a back slap.

Instead of saying come on chaps, or let’s go England, I wanna hear come on KP’s men.

The game will go like this, I will win the toss, and we will bat, you will let me come in at the 11 over mark.

I will do my thing, and we will make between 380 and 400. I will do a quick press conference about being the first batsman to make a one day double tonne.

During the break Wrighty and Broady you will peel grapes and wash me.

Thoroughly.

In the field I will bowl the over after each wicket.

So if Ryan takes a wicket first over, I will bowl the second, excellent.

After our victory I will give a few more press conferences and talk about how much it means for me to play with South, England.

Good, ok, now I have organised a team bonding session at a day spa, they will be doing hair, nails, and skin care.

Remember boys, this is your nation your playing for, but today I want you to play for something way more important, me.

What’s my name?

Everyone: KP.

KP: Damn skippy.

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Jun 16 2008
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(Copy, paste) Kiwis squashed again

We were all, I think, hoping for great (or, at least, better-than-awful) things from the Kiwis in the limited overs games. “Well, the tests were always going to be tricky”, we thought. “But they’re much better at the shorter forms of the game” we said to each other.

O noes! In the first ODI, The England got 307, and in reply the Kiwis got to 193.

The Gingers each stated their case for their continued inclusion in the side.

Owais Owais Owais Owais / Owais Owais Owais Owais / Owais Shah Shah Shah smacked 49 runs off 25 balls. KP got 110, off 112 balls, including a shot that was described as follows.

Cricinfo: “42.6 Styris to Pietersen, SIX, that’s the most extraordinary shot, he switches his grip to that of a left-hander and launches Stryis high over long-off for a might six. That is one of the more incredible shots you’ll see”.

Guardian OBO: “And then KP unleashes another left-handed heave, this time over long-off – or long-on if you consider him to be a left-hander. That was even more amazing than the left-handed sweep – more of a drive. Ludicrous!”.

TMS: “Quite brilliant from KP. He does the stance-switcher again, and this time he hits it even better – a genuine belter of a drive way over what was mid-off but has become mid-on. Styris is in stitches, and the crowd dance with bug-eyed delight”.

After the match, the main point of interest appeared to be this lefty-handed shot. From what I can gather (although I don’t play cricket so am ready and waiting to be smacked down on this), he changes his grip for this shot so that he becomes a left hander momentarily.

What does anyone think?

Do you even care?

Is it unfair for him to do this?

Which is the leg stump?

How, if at all, could he be given out lbw?

Is it yet another advantage of the game being skewed in favour of the batsman?

Should he be applauded for doing something interesting and exciting?

Is he simply taking advantage of the genetic advantage of being ambidextrous?

Whatevs, it’s good to see a bit of non-probotic zip from the kid.

Separately-but-connected: anyone who, like me, was at the rainy Saturday of the Lords test, you have until 19 June for your ticket to reach the adminstracrats so that you can get your refund. Yes, Cricketwithballs is now a public information service.

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Jun 06 2008
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KP does it again

KP likes making runs when they are needed.

It’s almost as if he can’t think and speak at the one time.

This does make him an entertaining media prospect.

While KP is still not the KP we came to despise and idolise, he is still a far superior batsman to the rest of his team mates.

His innings in the last series was the difference between the two teams, and yesterday, damned if he didn’t do it again.

He not only made the runs, he also shepherded young fumbles ambrose, he has looked all sorts of horrible in this series so far.

Two things you can rely on KP for, embarrassing gaffes in the media, and beating New Zealand on his own.

KP may not be the dashing, charging, skunked one of Old, but he can put the runs on the board.

And if you can put the runs on the board, people like you.

Because putting the runs on the board is bloody hard to do.

In other news the ginger fore play specialist, also known as Ian Bell, and the ginger probot, also known as Paul Collingwood, made ducks.

This must make New Zealand sad, because had they made ducks in the second innings of the second test, the England would have brown stains on the back of those pristine whites right now.

Not that the England are out of the woods at the moment, in a startling Ricky Pontingesque move, James Anderson was sent in as a night watch man for Ryan Sidebottom.

That can’t be a good sign.

Can it?

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Jun 02 2008
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KP cooks in the nude


“Sex doesn’t affect the way you play . . . Don’t tell me anyone’s going to stop a footballer shagging before a game.”

KP


We both agree that sex before sport is good.

But where we disagree is that I believe sex effects the way you play.

Shane Warne has proved the more sex the better, no matter what the quality of the woman is.

Muhammad Ali always said as a Muslim he could give up pig and the drink, but women were his one vice.

Magic Johnson and Wilt Chamberlain proved that ridiculously over the top amounts of sex is even better for your performance.

Although if you have a captain’s room like Magic did, best you have a condom vending machine in there as well.

Personally I think sex before blogging helps me, it’s just a shame I usually end up doing it alone.

See how I fitted a wanking joke into a post about KP, but didn’t call him one.

Impressive.

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Apr 17 2008
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the “KP should write a blog” push

Was just surfing the internet looking for naked photos of Tony Greig and I found KP’s site.

That’s right, the KP.

The man who was too arrogant for South Africa.

The man who is currently starving because he isn’t playing IPL.

The man who brought in the skunk hairdo and then killed it off with a swipe across the line.

The colours of the blog are extremely blue, a smart ass might say he is trying to make up for his accent and be over the top british, but I wouldn’t.

He also has his own media channel, which i assume is where he releases his rap songs, “I got 99 problems but being a brit aint one, hit it”.

There is a section where you can go to all his sponsors, so like all cricket fans i headed there first.

All big time multinationals for the KPmeister, no dandruff shampoo manufacturers for him.

Adidas, one day i hope to own my own pair of KP’s.

Oakley, you can’t get them at the local servo.

Npower, they are now specialising in solar power, guess where they found the sun?

News of the world, Kp’s mum is a violent foul mouthed chain smoking boozy slob, that’s not true.

Volkswagen, gutsy move for a South African to drive a Nazi Mobile.

All this is very interesting stuff, but where are the opinions?

Where is the dirt?

Where is the real KP.

Surely a man of vast intellect and cutting wit has more to offer the world than some sponsors, his book and a picture of him drinking a sports drink.

KP should blog.

Who wouldn’t want to know what Kp thinks about everything.

Global Warming, I heat up the earth with my on drives.

The West Bank, if only people spent more time admiring me, and less time fighting, the world would be a better place.

Punk Vs Grunge, the stooges were awesome, and the pixies blew my mind, but none of them are like a KP charge off a quickie.

The possibilities are endless.

So come on KP, blog for us, we really want to here more from you.

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Apr 08 2008
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KP’s money problems

KP & I have an interesting relationship.

It’s a love hate relationship, depending on my mood and his level of arrogance.

I know I should hate him, like McDonalds and Robbie Williams.

But if I’m starving and I see a drive thru, or if I’m in a shop and they have Robbie on I know I’ll be sucked in pretty easily.

Just recently I said I didn’t hate KP, and it hurt me, a lot.

But its true, as instantly hatable as he is, he does have some attributes I admire, luckily the England are slowly draining them from him.

This week he has made it easy to despise him on. “You want your best players playing both for their country and for the IPL.”

Why do you want the best players playing for the IPL.

It’s an Indian tournament that allows a couple of internationals to play in. It’s not a 2020 world championship or anything.

But then he explains why he is disappointed to not be playing. “It’s silly to think that you’re losing up to a million [dollars] over six weeks.”

Shouldn’t you be thinking how lucky am I to be playing test cricket when I used to bowl off spinners in South African club cricket with a dodgy haircut.

I understand you’re missing out on a few dollars. But I’m pretty sure you can pay your mortgage and buy your missus some lovely lingerie.

So it’s not all bad.

The first IPL season hasn’t even started and you are already sooking, unless the Indians completely balls this up there is at least 5 years of novelty cash for you in the pot.

Put your country first, or whichever country you have decided to play for first, and eventually the cash will find you.

You’re kind of hard to ignore, and trust me, I’ve tried.

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Mar 24 2008
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KP & Ryan have a chat

The England seem to have been inspired to two of the oddest cricketers in their team.

Sidebottom, aka oxymoron, aka drummer for Led Zepplica, who seems like a down to earth sort of chappie.

And KP, chairman of his own fanclub, and huge Vanilla Ice fan.

I wonder how their conversation will go after they win this test.

KP, Did you see how I made all the runs, I was on fire biach, you know what I’m saying.

Ryan, Yeah, well batted.

KP, it wasn’t batting man it was like some sort of african tribal ritual mating dance. All I saw was bright colours coming down at me, I was pretty much out of my body.

Ryan, ok.

KP, I was like in a zone, do you know what I mean, I was style, I was substance, I was Elvis in his comeback special, Evil Knievel flying across the sky, Russell Crowe killing a tiger.

Ryan, Broady & Strauss did well.

KP, Yeah, yeah, but I was just alive out there, I felt like I could pull out Excalibur or sleep with Madonna, I’m so charged man, pass me another red bull.

Ryan, Ok.

KP, have you ever just felt actual lightning in your hand, I mean i could have saved the orphans or destroyed plants, it was all in my hand.

Ryan, Ok.

KP, So who got the wickets?

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Mar 22 2008
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KP & I

I think I have KP worked out.

This means one of two things, I too am a pretentious wanker who can annoy at first glance, or, somehow through my deep analysis of South Africans I have discovered what makes them tick.

I’m going with the former.

Let’s look at what we know about KP.

In South Africa he was generally ignored and quotaed against, whilst he thought everyone should talk about him, praise him and lick the grey sticky bits from outta his toes.

Goes to England and kicks ass like a German heavy metal band.

Finally gets into the one day side, plays his old country and treats them like a cheating husband caught on an anniversary with an uncomfortable looking goat.

Then everyone says, well KP, you’re a slogger, and your hairstyle makes us think of Vanilla Ice, so we don’t think we can pick you.

He responds by putting Australia over his knee and giving them the biggest non Lara Spanking in a long time.

Then whilst people are still doubting his technique, he plays across the line to much, he charges to much, he is way too confident to play for England too much, he smotes his way around the world.

What follows next is acceptance, is admiration, is why can’t we have a KP?

Which makes him think the world actually likes him, and a form slump follows.

You see KP needs to be hated, it is the very core of the man.

What else could explain the hair do, the friendship with Warney, the country of birth and the constant unnecessary charging of bowlers.

It’s either he needs to be hated, or he has a little wiener.

What has happened recently, the press have finally started covering his form slump, which was one that Graeme Smith or Mark Taylor would be proud of.

Suddenly, like a washed up rock star with a sampled track on the radio he dusted off his tight pants and made his way back to the stage.

His innings, which further illustrates how much better he is than anyone born in England, was the innings of a true test type test playing test understanding batsman.

Who knew.

But now how do the England keep him perennially thinking that his spot is in jeopardy and that no one likes him.

Actually scratch that, if anyone can do it, the English press can.

They can turn a previously well structured man into Steve Harmison.

Although with steve the well structured bit is probably not true.

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