So, poor old Kevin Pietersen is a bit homesick and wanted to pop back to England for 48 hours during the current tour. This is quite understandable, given that he’s been away for almost three months.
What is less comprehensible is that, after a week or so back in Blighty, he’s taking off for 3 weeks in the IPL.
I guess this just goes to show that, when it comes to homesickness, the only real cure is nice big injection. Of cash. To the order of half a million pounds.
I cannot believe that England are thinking of dropping Bell, Harmison, Monty, or Collingwood.
We all know whom to blame for this loss.
KP.
He of the, ugh, dumbslog millionaire, nickname.
Remember him going out for 97, ofcourse you do, because the moment he went out you said to yourself, he has lost the game for England, what a massive bell end (apparently this is an English penis joke, as the penis resembles the end of a bell, not Ian Bell, who is an actual penis).
His wicket, while trying to hit Sulieman Benn into the IPL, was so obviously the cause for England’s collapse on day 4, that it is hardly worth mentioning.
From that moment on, no intelligent cricket fan could have thought that England were going to win the game.
97; a massive failure.
While other English players were going out in more traditional ways, through fear and defensiveness, KP yet again snubbed the traditions of English cricket.
Who does he think he is?
When England lose they like to keep the spirit of their cricket alive, but going out on 97 while trying to bring your hundred up with a 12 is not in that spirit.
He should not only be dropped, but England’s top fencer, Richard Kruse, should take KP into Trafalgar square, and carve out that English tattoo infront of a crowd of drunken chavs.
Because that is more English than going out for 97.
Other things more English than going out for 97 include:
Bowling great line and length, almost never getting hit off the cut strip, and taking no wickets (RJ Sidebottom).
Failing in both innings of your debut as full time captain (AJ Strauss).
Earning money for nothing because you once held an important title. (MP Vaughan).
Being given the second most important job because you went to a toffy assed school (AN Cook).
Getting the love of the English public for the odd breathtaking performance and being a great drunkard (A Filntoff).
Starting off as the saviour before the whole of England slowly turns on you (MS Panesar).
All these things are good and proper English behaviour.
Top scoring, and saving your team from a terrible first innings score is not.
Shame on you KP, 200 years ago you would have been sent to Australia for this behaviour.
Now you just get slated in the times.
The inside mail is that one is to go, definitely.
Proper inside mail.
That i take serious like inside mail.
Exactly.
So place your bets.
Where are your clams?
Odds:
KP to go, a kabillion to one.
Moores to go, no point betting, you will just end up owing me money.
Vaughan to come in as coach if Moores get assholed, 8 to 1.
KP is testing the faith.
He is 3 tests into his career, has not won a live test, has been smashed 5 zip in one dayers by India and lost 20 million crackers.
He also slipped in a de pantsting of South Africa in a one day series that they had already mentally check out of.
Now he wants Michael Vaughan in, Peter Moores out.
It’s that simple.
KP is stamping his foot, like a trophy bride in size 8 manolo blahniks looking for a new diamond necklake
The problem for most English cricket fans is they can only agree with 50% of KP’s demands.
There are some fans who want Moores out.
There are a lot of fans who don’t want to see Vaughan back.
But the amount of people who want Moores out and Vaughan back would be small.
So KP is working without the support of fans or media, and without any great success behind him.
Moores may not have a great record either, but it’s not as if Vaughan’s recent work has even existed.
KP is walking into the ECB naked, holding a mini bat, but still rocking it with that amazing KP confidence that no scientist could ever explain.
That is how KP works.
There are no great brainstorming sessions, or lists with the pros and cons.
He just jumps in without thinking.
It seems to have worked so far.
But being a cricket captain with a sub par record you need a little finesse, you need a lightness of touch, and you need to bend over and take the occasional reaming.
KP doesn’t strike me as someone who would like to do that, from anyone other than Mrs KP and a rubber aid.
Going in heavy handed at this stage, for a dude who hasn’t played any cricket to prove his selection could be a massive mistake.
If we know one thing about KP as a leader, he is a star players captain, Harmy, Shah, and Freddy have already felt the warm hand of Kp’s support tugging on their career.
And doing this may make the team come together, ofcourse if Moores gets the ass because of it, they may separate like Berlin.
The Probots on one side, the talent on the other.
In a fight to the death.
One that KP might win, but if he gets his way, gets a new coach, and gets Vaughan, and Vaughan fails and England loses, what is KP’s fall back position.
Zimbabwe?
Is Yuvraj a pie chucker, well no, he is more of a doorknob distributor.
That is splitting hairs, but an interesting distinction.
Ms Dhoni did a clever thing by bringing on the doorknob distributor.
He had a spell over KP, and it was a clever tactic.
Thing is, KP is one of those.
Those who need extra stimuli to play better.
The piechucker comments are part of that for him, he wants Yuvraj to come back at him.
KP does his best work when he feels like the world hates him.
He is a sick man.
And not just because he is South African.
Ofcourse all this means fuck all in this drawn test match.
We should be thankful for the piechuckergate though, because if this test match was abandoned a couple of days ago, it might have taken most of us a couple of days to notice it had happened.
Today they will go through the motions again.
And the “series” will finish without a bang, or a woo hoo, or a yee ha.
And congratulations to Gotham City, playing a whole test on qualudes is something special.
Before the test series, had i written a test preview of this series, i would have said “England need something special from KP here, lead by example and all that shit”.
Well he gave them something special, a special load of crap.
For every trudging Strauss or Cook score, England need a little bit of magic from KP or Freddy to balance it out.
Why, because losing 5 wickets on the first day is good, if you have more than 300 runs on the board.
229 runs?
If India wrap up the tail quickly, England are going to be well short of a decent total.
They might not make 270.
Strauss and Cook are the base, they are both very good players of the new ball, Cook has problems with getting big scores, and Strauss has problems with his snooty attitude, but they do a very effective blunting job.
Strauss made his hundred at an acceptable rate for a man with his limitations.
Cook scored at a rate you would expect from him in the subbie.
But what were the others doing?
Bell 17 off 51.
KP 4 off 33.
And Freddy 18* off 64.
Me thinks a coach or strategy is in place here.
Hard to see what that is.
Bat so slowly that India are never out of the game, build a foundation that falls apart as we all sit by and twiddle thumbs, turn KP into a proper pom?
I am confused.
Ofcourse this could all be a cunning plan.
Lull India into a semi coma, and then attack with Prior and Swann.
But I don’t see it.
The one thing we have learnt from Dhoni as a captain, is that when he has the opposition playing defensive cricket, he has them where he wants them.
So tomorrow will be interesting.
KP has a big day today.
Losing a sponsors game is ordinary.
But it shouldn’t be that hard to get over.
Today should be the day when England starts playing cricket again.
They should rise up, play as a team, work out their weird batting order and push India.
Not that i think they will win, but they may win the battle inside, if you know what i mean.
India will win, wont they.
But Ravi will run out less people, the bowlers will bowl actual yorkers, not “i can’t believe their not yorkers”, and KP will take charge again.
Probably.
If not it will be just as much fun, and as i have said before, for English supporters it is much better if they lose, they feel more comfortable that way.
The question is what would KP do if England continue to play this badly.
Because that would be interesting, probably way more so than the actual 17 one dayers they are scheduled to play.
KP was cock a hoop after beating a kolpak ravaged South African one day side, and winning a dead rubber.
I was there, they played well, not brilliant, but well.
Since South Africa went home they have lost 20 millions smackers, lost to a club side, and had an injured inconsistent player flatten them.
So now what for KP?
The Euphoria he created by getting the job is now a dream of a thought oh a whisper that England have forgotten.
The real captaining starts here, he has lost momentum, so we are about to find out if he can actually captain or if he is just good at .
It is only one ‘real’ game, but its hard to push a pile of shit up hill.
I think India will win the series, nothing wrong with lsoing a series early on in your career, as long as you learn something from it.
According to Alec Stewart, “what England have to got to do, is play alot better”.
Can’t argue with that.
Has there ever been a series of cricket with two vainer more confident captains than this one.
I wouldn’t think so.
India should win easily, but you never know what England is going to turn up.
The one that beat South Africa was on fire.
KP stuck his hand in a toilet looking for a gold fish and just found gold.
Then he went to Antigua and started to think.
Clearly not about batting.
It’s easy to say it’s a blip, but losing a million dollars a man plays with your head.
Same thing happened to me once, I lost 50 bucks at the footy, couldn’t concentrate on the game that day at all.
So what England turns up here, the pumped up cohesive machine, or the deflated ass clowns.
And what about India, is there going to be any of that job done type attitude settling in.
One of India’s biggest problem has always been stringing winning series together.
Now, for probably the first time, they have a chance to be the number one test and one day team.
Beating Australia was a great effort, but if they lose to England, all they will have proved is they have a team that plays good cricket against one nation.
India’s form outside of Australian series still isn’t that good.
Its ordinary.
But Dhoni is in charge now, and we are about to find out if he is a great captain, or just a breath of fresh air before a life of breathing in crap.
I’m thinking India will win the white ball games, and it will be a draw in the test series.
That is if you can call 2 tests a series.
Whoever organised 2 tests should be forced to eat their penis, raw.
Or if they are a lady, they should eat their boobie.
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