Tagged with kiwi coaching application …

Jul 24 2008
general balls

Miriam’s application to be BLACKCAPS coach

Dear BLACKCAPS

I enclose herewith my application to be your coach.

I set out below my suitability for the position in accordance with your specified requirements. I accept that I may not have any experience in the actual field of coaching cricket, but I note that performance of the BLACKCAPS has not improved under a coach with actual cricket experience.

What the BLACKCAPS need is an individual who surveys the world of cricket whilst not being actively involved, so who better than a cricket BLOGGER. More importantly, I have ample cricket blogging COMMENTING experience, and what is a coach if not someone who passes comment on other people’s efforts.

In response to the main criteria put forward:

1. Coached at an elite level within the last 12 months

Within the last 12 months I have successfully performed the following at elite level:

2. A proven track record as a world class coach as demonstrated by results

I have proven world class ability in the following:

  • styling my difficult hair and maintaining an expensive, complex hair colour (skills which I intend to share with the team, who are currently sporting some of the worst highlights in world cricket)
  • matching shoes with clothes on a daily basis
  • obsessive attention to grammatical detail
  • campaigning for the retention of the paragraph in cricket blogging.

3. Outstanding leadership, communication and people management skills

4. The desire to pursue everything with energy and drive and a need to win

  • I am BADASS. I once served proceedings on two individuals on Valentine’s day to make sure that they would accept the envelope.

5. The ability to generate, direct and manage the implementation of cutting edge coaching solutions and programmes

  • I am accomplished in achieving synergies in blue sky thinking, and running ideas up the flagpole to see who salutes.
  • I will ensure that all team players are singing from the same hymnsheet, and will ask them to hum a few more bars for me in order to conversate with them.
  • I intend to touch base with you from the get-go about how I am a product evangelist with the ability to incentivise, and I am aware that you can’t turn a tanker round with a speed boat change.
  • I will implement a holistic cradle-to-grave approach, so as to pluck the low hanging fruit with 360-degree thinking.
  • I will not let the grass grow too long on this one, and will get all my ducks in a row.
  • At the end of the day, the role concerns actioning, stepping up to the plate and facing the music, and I intend to ensure that stakeholders come to the party.
  • I will feed back to them, cascading down the shower of ideas to drill down to a level of granularity.
  • We will be living the values and achieving leverage up the strategic staircase, and taking a high altitude view so as not to wrongside the demographic.
  • I will give 110%.

6. A willingness to be judged on results

  • As someone who will in one fell swoop fill whatever diversity requirements you may have to meet as an organisation, I am used to being judged on appearance. Being judged on results makes a welcome change.

References on my commenting skills may be obtained from the following, a selection of whom I have interacted with on a daily basis for several months:

  • Kingcricket (he was my first, gives the right answer to the question “cat or dog” and it still hurts a little to cheat on him here)
  • Suave’s Republique (we were introduced by Kingcricket, then had a brief one-night stand where we indulged our forbidden love of hover-captions, but now he’s moved on to attacting other ladies through his wing-man FEC Naked Ali Cook)
  • AYALAC (he likes to film it, and some of the stuff he does is barely legal. Likes to use toys and props)
  • Miss Field (I’ve hardly flirted with female blogs before, but she tempted me where few others had succeeded)
  • Well Pitched (can produce the goods four times a day)
  • David Barry’s stats blog (I sullied his place with makeup the first time I visited)
www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jul 23 2008
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Sport Review’s Application

The third application for the black caps coaching job is upon us.

Sports review have done theirs, and I am the New Tony Grieg in their plan, so it’s bound to fail.

And not just cause I think its the most Kiwiesque one.

It involves dobbers, and people imitating the glory years.

Also Chris Harris.

That is three blogging inspired applications, which may be more than the actual number of applications they have received.

Anyone care to pen a 4th?

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jul 22 2008
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My application

The Blackcaps are looking for a new coach, Braces is taking a more important job.

So here is my application.

My name is Uncle Jrod, and I hereby apply for the full time position of black caps coach.

I have looked at your seven page proposal and your goal of being ranked number one or two by 2011, I know I am the man for the job.

KPI’s.

New Zealand need to improve all their key performance indicators. Namely, they need more wickets and more runs. I will assist in this process.

BLUE SKY THINK TANKS

Meetings between myself, and other individuals who have the courage, creativity and clarity to find new ways for the Black Caps to go forward, and dare I say it, conquer the world.

MY WAR STORY

Over the years I have had many major cricketing moments, but the one that suits me best as black caps coach was was when I got hit 17 times on the body by someone everyone called Killer (not just because his surname was Kilpatrick), and I may have foolishly called an Ox, due to his large nature. I ended up making 27 runs. Meaning I averaged 1.58 runs to every blow, surely that makes me over qualified to coach New Zealand.

WEB 2.0 INITIATIVES

All players to regularly blog, facebook and come up with their own MySpace page, I love that retro stuff. This is to allow fans to connect with the players and have a meshing of the minds, avatars and souls, we call it synergy.

DIVERSITY AWARENESS SESSIONS

A three day intense camp in which all players will have to try bowl the carom ball, and to study techniques of Malinga and Chandrepaul.

MY INTEGRATED SOLUTION 10 POINT FRAMEWORK

1. Move the top 20 players to Bangladesh. New Zealand doesn’t want you, and Bangladesh would love to see real cricketers from time to time. It doesn’t have to be full time, just 10 months a year. It’s nice to feel appreciated.

2. Jacob Oram will be fed a diet of short deliveries. Nothing else, no medium pacers or spinners, just quicks and ball machines at his curly bonce. Also Ian Smith will be banned from pumping him up.

3. No more “middle players”. Players will be picked if they are young and talented, or if they are proven, nothing in between. No spinners who become openers, or any of that nonsense. A mix of youth and experience, cliché as a mother fucker, but it works.

4. The IPL can kiss my ass, Shane Bond is a New Zealand cricketer, and he plays for us. If Lalit Modi wants to stop him playing, he can kidnap him.

5. Stephen Fleming can retire whenever he wants, but hopefully not before we find a number 3 to replace him. He can wait 10 years can’t he?

6. Assholes, it’s all well and good to be assholes against minnows and Sri Lanka, but you use to be assholes against Australia, and that was grand.

7. Get an Australian coach, like me, we are the cats pyjamas, for proof see Greg Chappell, Jamie Siddons and Geoff Lawson.

8. Brothers, New Zealand teams always play better with brothers, and no, not the Marshall brothers, they’re rubbish. Isn’t there a Nathan that matches Brendan.

9. Picking players who will win cricket matches, and not those who are less likely to lose them is a good start. If we can’t win test matches we can sure as hell make people want to watch us.

10. Every team needs a Drunkard, if Warnie and Freddie have taught us anything, it’s that they are the key ingredient to build your team around. How is Young Jessie’s hand doing?

NEXT STEPS

Test selection

How – New Zealand with a real opener
Flynn – He’s not a middle order batsman, but the boy has balls, send him to the top.
Fleming – My only other option was two meter peter, and that’s not really an option.
Taylor – It’s his
Ryder – Not worried about fitness or consumption of alcohol, just batsmanship
McCullum – the Prince
Oram – Probably needs a hair cut.
Vettori – As a batting captain and part time bowler.
Patel – Your best spinner should play, not be a tourist
Bond – remember him.
Martin – Has a bit in him.
12th man – McCullum, N – got to fit a brother in.

Assistant Coach, sportsfreak, you need a hard ass bagman as assistant coach and he will be my key enabler. He is also here for cultural differences between myself and the players.

Media Manager, Sports review, he can handle the incoming rubbish while keeping me out of the loop.

Team Portrait, cricket action art, air brush required to reconstruct the look of New Zealand.

Cricket Existentionalist, Outside the Line, it’s about cricket, or is it,? Will also help with Corporate visions, or so it seems.

Embedded Journalist, Mike on cricket, everyone needs good press, outsourcing is the best way.

If anyone else would like to apply, please send your applications to cwb@cricketwithballs.com, and we will post them here for the New Zealand board to consider.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jul 21 2008
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Sportsfreak’s Application

New Zealand is looking for a new coach, Sportsfreak is applying.

So the job application is out. And the criteria has been set: -

“We need a coach who will build on the current solid foundation and take it to the next level.”

Given what has occurred over the last 5 years; only one test series win against recognised opposition, and that being against Sri Lanka at home in April, we think we can do that.

So Dr. Vaughan here are the reasons that you must appoint Sportsfreak as the next national coach of New Zealand

I’m keen to do it.
Common thinking is that this job should go to John Wright. There are good reasons for this; his record in England a millennium ago, and his record with India bak in 2001 support this.

But apparently he’s enjoying his time on the lifestyle plot in Canterbury seems to appeal, and he’s hardly rushing at this.

So what kind of signal does that send to the players? Too reluctant; bad signal. And with a group of players who are becoming increasingly renowned for being reluctant, that is just the wrong signal.

I would pick specialist players in specialist positions.
This should not really require clarification, but lets just say you can’t have the best wicket-keeper in the world batting like a 20/20 player in a test at #5, then moving to #3 and fielding on the boundary.

And openers should be openers.

I would pick players in the same position that they play for their province.
James Marshall bats at number 5 for ND, yet is picked as a grossly out of form and out of depth Number 3 in the series against England.

And then there is the opener issue…

If a player, especially a bowler, is slightly injured they will not play.
Simple.

How many times have we gone into a test match with a bowler under an injury cloud and had to cover for him when he’s broken down (Bond, Oram, Cairns etc..) or tried valiantly but obviously not there (Martin)?

I will keep all the High Performance Managers etc well away from Tim Southee.
Think back to Southee’s debut in Napier. The camera pans to the poor teenager on the boundary, and there’s the bearded and over-weight (the first being the bigger crime) Gary Hermanson.

Why?

An entourage of middle-aged men dressed in black-cap shorts and shirts simply look ridiculous. There’s an ex-player famous for drinking OJ, praying, and running out team-mates, and he’s being allowed to play with the mind of our biggest teenage talent since C Cairns came along.

And then there’s Dayle Hadlee. Meddling, interfering, fidgeting, mollycoddling our young players. This will stop when I take charge.

The 3rd day rule
After the 3rd day of every test the team will sit down in front of the video and watch highlights of 4th day train crashes from years gone by.

On so many occasions, NZ had had their nose in front after 3 days, only to lose the test; sometimes by an innings. It might be a stamina thing; probably mental rather than physical. All those ODIs perhaps?

This will be the biggest challenge. But an end of day 3 rark up is clearly going to be targeted motivation.

I will speak English in press conferences.
This will probably disappoint some in the media as the sound bites will run dry. But, strangely, I think it’s quite import that the fans, and players, can understand what is actually going on.

I will not trash talk the opposition.
Especially Australia. What did that outburst at Gilchrist achieve exactly?

When you’re dealing with the best trash-talkers around, just tread carefully.

Not winding everyone up
If we do not have the upper hand during a test, I will not state otherwise.

End of Day 3, and NZ are still in deficit while being 5 wickets down in the second dig, I will not say “We are in a commanding position”. Because, plainly, that’s rubbish.

The days of that kind of talk ended when the US tanks rolled into Baghdad. Obviously I will not run the Italian flag up the pole, but I will not be just out-and-out stupid.

The Australian Assistant Coach
Jrod will be assistant coach. You will note he is an Australian. There is clearly the thinking here that an average Aussie coach is somehow superior to an average coach from anywhere else.

He can concentrate on areas like how to claim dodgy catches, sledging, and how not to walk. And winning.

Player assessments
I will do them on my own thanks. They will be not be conducted by other players who tend to be mates.

Baseball mitts
They re banned from training sessions. If I wanted baseball mitts at training sessions I’d be coaching a team that used baseball mitts when playing. They are still illegal in cricket.

Optional trainings
They’re banned too.

Visualisation
Yup, they will be banned too. Hendrix never practiced using a tennis racket.

So, Dr. Vaughan, there is my plan. Please let me know if you have any queries.

Regards, Sportsfreak

Photo attached

Braces is out, but is Sportsfreak in. Will the Kiwis appoint him, or do they have other ideas, tomorrow, read my application.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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