Cricket fans have always known of the link between incest and wicket keeping. It isn’t too subtle.

Incest is where you fuck a member of your family; wicketkeeping is where you catch cricket balls until your fingers look fucked up.

In both cases you have to really want to do it to get involved.  No one says, “I think I’ll try something different, I’ll fuck my mother, or I’ll catch 200 hard objects on Saturday”.

Also, quite often there are limited positions available.

Everyone knows the problems with both, incestuous babies with 2 noses and 7 toes, and a hand shake so limp you can barely feel it.

But people still do both.

Sick people.

But nowhere does incestuousness and wicketkeeping come more together than in the world of New Zealand cricket.

The kiwis love keepers.  Against Pakistan yesterday they picked another one, Watling, which brings the count to like 5 in the last 12 months.

McGlashan, Hopkins, Young, Watling, and, oh yeah, Prince fucken Brendon.

What does a team with Prince Brendon need with 4 other keepers?

To understand that you need to understand New Zealand, a country so in love with keepers they made a debutant keeper their captain. You know the guy, he wore a hat, sounded like Mike Tyson’s gay friend.

Now let us look at their playing group’s bloodlines. McCullums, Bradburns, Crowes, Cairns, Marshalls, Hadlees, the list is fucking endless.

The first prerequisite to playing for New Zealand seems to be having a family member who has already done it. Not fucking them, as that would be really sick, like being a keeper who likes to field.

If the New Zealand cricket team had a child it would have three feet, no nose, and the most fucked up set of hands you have ever seen.  It would be a character at the table in Freaks shouting one of us.

And goddammit I loves my freaks, I wanna be part of it.

Will any of the other coaching applicants of the New Zealand Coaching team understand the team the way I do?

No.

Will they love the teams for its faults the way I do?

No.

Will they give the team access to high tech media platform?

No.

The choice is clear.

Come on Justin Vaughan; give me the fucken job already.  Let me kick the Prince’s ass, put a choke chain on Dan the man, and tell the media about how New Zealand cricket can be explained via incest and wicket keeping. Call my promotion unconventional, and we’ll ride into the promised land on flightless birds with an extra toe.

New Zealand cricket is now a fascist regime.

One man is calling the shots, pulling the strings, making the coffee and wearing the glasses.

There is no reason to name this person, Daniel Vettori, we all know who he is.

In some countries that would be tolerated, nay, celebrated in a cricket captain.

Not in New Zealand. They are a democratic nation who believes that no one man should have this much power.

So they need someone to come in and grab a bit of power back.

Someone arrogant, ridiculously self assured, a self made man, one who won’t take shit from any librarians, and is from a country that provides the world with cricket coaches.

Exactly.

Dan can stick his player power up his ass.

A few drinks with Jesse, some blogging tips to IOB, watch a few episodes of cops with Shane Bond, get Flynn a gold tooth, and your already half way there.

Easy as.

Then a few subtle put downs to Dan.

Remind him of how stupid you need to be injured in Adelaide and still field at mid off. How he almost losing to Bangladesh. Mention that little Nathan and the Gimp Harris both have a better test bowling average. And then ask him what it is like to be compared to a pasty English teenager for most of his career.

Then maybe I’d get a choker chain, put it on him, and any time Dan got out of bounds I’d just give him a quick tightening of the chain.

Justin Vaughan would approve of this method.

The important moment in the film Swingers is when Mike’s friend Sue goes gangsta on a bunch of dudes, and then turns on Mike and gives him a spray about his life.

He uses the phrase little whiney bitch repeatedly.

This causes Mike to go into a sort of self induced orange juice coma for a few days, then he snaps out of it and ends up dancing to the big bad voodoo daddy band with Heather Graham.

Everyone likes Mike, everyone wants to tell him he is money, everyone trying to cheer him up or be the shoulder to cry on, but clearly all he needed was a tremendous kick in the asshole.

Brendon McCullum has a lot in common with Mikey. Like most kiwi cricketers he is likeable, everyone wants to see him do well and he has an emotional hurdle to over come.

Life hasn’t treated him well of late.

He had to lead the KKR in their marvellous shit storm of a season. Has been blamed for the IPL/NZC contract dispute. Lost his job as Vice Captain. And now is in danger of losing his job as one day opener.

I can see how he would be a little down at the moment. He thinks life is against him, and that he is just shit out of luck, but if he thinks that then he is missing the point.

In all forms of cricket he averages about 30. He almost never makes hundreds, his strike rate (2020 aside) is not awe inspiring, and more often than not he teases rather than wins games. No one of his talent should have an average of 30. He should be travelling around the world kicking ass, not shuffling through cricket without ever doing any real damage.

I like him, but I am always drawn back to his record, and then I sigh.

He needs a monumental kick up the ass. As coach it is my job to kick any asses that need kicking.

“Runs, Motherfucker. Runs. That is what we all want. Forget about leadership, contracts and Shah Ruh Khan, just give us the fucking international fucken runs that you have in you, make them as hundreds not cameos, don’t give us that I’m trying as hard as I can face, give us runs. RUNS. We just don’t care about all the other shit, go out, hit the ball hard, us your talent, shake your self up becauae I am so sick and tired of looking at your record and sighing. New Zealand have a queue of blokes who could keep and average 30, you can do so much fucken more, so fucken do it, stop looking sorry for yourself and just get out there and show us why you are PRince fucken Brendon. Fucken hell, if Brendan Nash had your talent he’d be fucking Don Bradman riding a white stallion and playing in Vegas. You’ve got at least five fucken more years of International cricket, abuse it, molest it, fuck it, just fucking make a mark for fucks sake, you cunt. “

If this doesn’t work I’ll make him 12th man for 10 straight matches. Or Craig McMillan’s butler.

All we want is to see Prince Brendon metaphorically dancing with Heather Graham to swing music. That is not too much to ask for.

When Andy Moles was originally selected as the 5th option to coach the kiwis I was obviously the 6th.

I understand why they went with Moles, and now I am sure they would accept that they made a mistake and I should have been appointed.

That does not mean I am an automatic choice now.

In this modern world of checks and balances I still need to apply, to give the appearance that this is a real application process.

That is fair enough, so over the next few days I will be showing my credentials to my potential new employers.

It goes without saying that I am qualified for this job.

I have heard of Reece Young, have been to South Africa, know where Christchurch is and have seen quite a few episodes of Sensing Murder.

As has been mentioned before I use the term jandals.

I have a copies of albums by betchadupa and the datsuns.

And most importantly I own this poster.

New Zealand needs me.

DS has decided to focus not on cricket, but on image.

In my opinion the image of New Zealand cricket is in much worse shape than their actual cricket.

Thank you to everyone who has applied for the job, I will be forwarding all the applications on.

I have a wonderful record in International Cricket Captain.

I have led New Zealand to victories in Test Series against opposition that isn’t Bangladesh.

I also refuse to play players that aren’t all-rounders in the Andre Adams mould and anyone who is mediocre in the one-day game will still be tried out in New Zealand’s one test series a decade.

If you average 20 with the bat and 30 with the ball with one 5 for, you are perfect for my team

Also, 7 series ODI series a year against Australia is not enough, I will ask for more, more, more.

My ODI team

McCullum
Ryder
Styris
Oram
Astle
McMillan
Cairns
Adams
Vettori
Franklin
Southee

The important thing is they bat to 11 and they have 10 bowling options.

I would also give my desired test team but I know you don’t care.

Most importantly I am Australian and thus have ticked the major criteria to being an international cricket coach.

Nashy

Applications are still open @ cwb@cricketwithballs.com

Now we have one from Kym, who is eager to put her name on the flying jandal ticket.

Dear BLACKCAPS,

I was very excited to see that the position of BLACKCAPS coach is becoming available, and I would like to put myself forward for consideration. Although my experience in coaching cricket at the elite level could not be called extensive, I believe I have other skills that make me suitable for the position. And anyway, if we’re honest, I think we all know you’re going to have to lower your sights a bit.

Although I am Australian, my step-father is a New Zealander, and he’s a good bloke. Also, I like Flight of the Conchords, so as you can see I do have a connection with you people. As it stands, the BLACKCAPS are already my third favourite team (just behind Sri Lanka, way behind Australia). This is ideal because, while I like to see the BLACKCAPS win, I’m able to take a dispassionate and analytical view when they don’t, which will be handy when talking to the media and when offering constructive criticism to the players.

It’s very encouraging, and not at all fanciful, to see your aim to be ranked 1 or 2 in the world in all forms of the game. I believe the BLACKCAPS’ international performances can be improved immediately by simple steps such as hiring Troy Cooley and never picking the Marshall twins again. You see how easy it is – all you need is vision.

I also have some ideas about how to strengthen NZ’s domestic competition. For example, I would raise the standard immediately by sending South Australia’s REDBACKS across for a season to expose NZ’s players to the next level of cricketing competence. The following year you can swap the REDBACKS for another team, maybe Tasmania’s TIGERS. Or else you can keep the REDBACKS; I don’t feel too strongly one way or the other about that.

Obviously I don’t want to give away too many ideas all at once, but there’s plenty more where that came from.

In summary, I’m prepared to take on the job providing I don’t have to actually live in New Zealand or watch the BLACKCAPS play when there’s a more interesting game going on elsewhere.

Regards,

Kym (name withheld)

You still have till the 4th of August to get your applications in, do you want to join the flying jandal ticket? cwb@cricketwithballs.com.

Although not a cricket blogger as such, the interweb is still a rather nice place to pick up on what’s happening with all things crickety especially @ CWB.com

So I thought I’d throw my hat into the boxing square for the Nou Zeelund job.

Put simply my cricket expertise can be neatly summationed as the following:

* From 1984 to 1996-ish, was given the Channel Nine Cricket Yearbooks for Christmas, hence I have an astoundingly deep knowledge of how in the name of Glenn Trimble did Stu Gillespie ever play 19 one-dayers, or why Tony Blain was so effing tall for a keeper, that Vaughan Brown ruined Hadlee’s 10-for attempt at the Gabba (Sir Richard shoulda just dropped the catch), or why, according to Ian Chappell, Jeremy Coney’s name means ‘rabbit’ in Olde English. Who knew?

* Growing up in Werribee, I had a mate who lived next door to Merv. A hit into the big fella’s backyard was not only a six but also a good excuse to maybe catch a glimpse of a hero who was, and is, literally larger than life. Good times.

* Played junior cricket in the Western Suburbs Church League in Melbourne. Also good times. It’s not often you see/hear a member of the clergy verbally abuse a young boy (insert your own joke here) and then wish them well after the game.

* Once saw Richie Benaud signing autographs at the SCG, lose his cool and storm off. I’m still not sure what to make of it, Billy Birmingham woulda been proud though.

* Went to every Boxing Day Test from 1988 to 1993 inclusive, thus witnessing John Wright dismissed for 99, which was also the immortal Tony “I lost my outswinger, no, wait, I found it again, no, it’s gone” Dodemaide’s debut, Bruce Reid’s ri-dicu-lous caught and bowled to send Gower on his way minutes after making a typically Gower-esque ton and Warney knocking back a sombereroed Richie Richardson. Better than good times.

So, based on these KPIs, well, you don’t have to be Vettori’s spectamacles to see where I’m coming from. Or going to.

So, what sort of Kiwi team would I develop?

One that doesn’t need brown cordouroy pants every time it gets within sight of a victory … and clearly I’m not talking about a retro one-day uniform.

Play two keepers, back in the day, Ian Smith and Warren Lees took the field together. Maybe not hand-in-hand but you get the idea. They can sort out who wears the gloves on a paper, rock, scissors basis.

Bring back Murphy Su’a. You can never have enough angry Western Samoans. We might not win matches but by god, we’ll win the fights.

Introduce a mandatory 80s Kiwi cricketer moustache rule, they were never better than when Coney, Hadlee, Bruce Edgar, Ewen Chatfield and the rest had some top-lip facial hair. If nothing else, it’s harden-up princess time.

Keeping with the stereotypes, can we arrange for Dave Dobbyn, the Finn brothers, Shona Laing and Margaret Urlich to provide pre- and post-match entertainment? If none are available, Max Merritt will suffice.

And for commentary, grab the Kiwi blokes who call the New Zealand Breakers basketball games on Fox Sports. I haven’t seen such blatant homerism since Governor Bush called his brother’s 2000 Florida election result “fair”.

Cheers,
Smitty.

If you think the Black caps could use you, send your application through to cwb@cricketwithballs.com, and i will post it here and your friends can say, wow you were on the balls.

Miss Field has gone for a holistic approach to coaching, like Phil Jackson, only taoer.

Miriam has popped in as Ass Coach, and I’m there as media advisor.

She has also given the blackcaps quite a few reasons to hire her, by ansswetring almost every query they have.

Shows selflessness and understands that the ‘game’ is bigger than them – Jesse Ryder, who is the game, certainly is bigger than me. I have no qualms here.

Being a female is a great plus for MF, and taking a quota selection like Miriam in as Ass Coach is good politics.

We now have 5 applications, do you have what it takes to coach New Zealand?

If you do, and you probably do, email cwb@cricketwithballs.com