Tagged with kevin pietersen

Who will miss KP the most

The young fan who wants to grow up and play across the line and have a pop star girlfriend.

The ladies/gay men who feel KP brings a certain level of sexual sophistication to the game.

Andy Flower, who believes that KP brings a sense of dynamism to the English batting line up.

The Australian fan who loves to see him hobble.

The anti KP faction who love it when his average is coming down.

His sponsors, especially the VW Phaeton of whom KP thinks, “Its a fantastic car that let’s me travel in style up and down the country allowing me to arrive refreshed and relaxed.”

The Australians, who must have been happy that he was looking toothless.

The cameramen, now who will be their default shot.

Jessica Taylor, who has to put up with him 24/7.

News of the World, who paid all this money for a gimp.

Ian Bell.

This is a trick question of course, the real answer is the English cricket media.

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Reasons England can win without KP

More mirror time for James Anderson can only make him happier.

Freddie can be the big swingin’ dick again.

After every conversation KP has with someone he doesn’t have to say, “I’m sure what KP meant to say was…”

Did you see that innings at Lord’s, several people jumped off the Compton stand while he was out there.

Cause KP is a twat.

No more Liberty X.

The other players will need to step up knowing that the English press might actually be watching them.

Graeme Swann will be happy not to here about how KP is a better bowler than him.

There won’t be 150 copies of the News of the World in their change rooms.

KP made Graham Onions feel sexually uncomfortable.

The players will be happy to not hear about waterfront homes at Battersea.

Alastair Cook can finally be made the official vice-captain.

At random intervals they wont here this, “ The Phaeton is a fantastic car that let’s me travel in style up and down the country allowing me to arrive refreshed and relaxed.”

Paul Collingwood will stop being the dowdy one and bring out an array of attacking shots that will make the world orgasm at once.

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Nathan Hauritz is God

He is, here is the twitter proof.

It can be the only explanation for the fact he has 5 wickets in this test match.

There can be no other reason for Andrew Strauss edging a short ball or Matt Prior punching a ball to slip.

Obviously he is not the god, but maybe he is a weird Nordic one, Glúmr: the god of lucky wickets.

It can be the only explanation, as for KP, Green and Gold Rugby has him worked out.

he should have swept it

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Hauritz is the sword

There was much talk about how Hauritz wasn’t good enough to test cricket.

And he still isn’t.

But if you are a batsman, and you want to commit suicide, there are few better bowlers to use than Nathan.

It will have maximum impact.

To make it really stick out you have to make it such a stupid shot that people would be embarrassed to play it in club cricket.

Special marks if it hits your head, and if you have a history of going in stupid ways.

Hauritz looked like he would not be able to take a wicket at all today.

He didn’t get smashed and he did do his “containing” job, but you couldn’t see him getting a wicket.

Then KP got into sweeping position before Hauritz bowled the ball, and you have to credit Hauritz for this, he saw it, tossed it wide to leave KP to get himself out.

There was no real skill in the dismissal, good thinking yes, but all he did was make sure it was wide.

KP did the rest.

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Rahul’s IPL

’09

3 matches

134 runs

High score of 66

Average of 44

Strike rate of 144

Worth a million?

’08

14 matches

371 runs

High score of 75*

Average of 28

Strike rate of 124

Throw in the dodgy captaining as well.

He also had the 2nd worst strike rate of anyone in the top 12 run scores, only Graeme Smith had a lower strike rate, but he averaged 48.

This year he has been the best batsman in the tournament.

So far.

And it isn’t far, only 3 games, But he is.

He has the pretty little hat, his fans are excited,  and at the moment he is worth the money he is being paid.

Last year he wasn’t.

If I was rewriting my Bangalore post at the moment, I would change KP to Model and Rahul to porn star.

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The Ultimate IPL Guide: Bangalore Royals

Reporting this tournament in any sort of conventional style would be pretending this is a sporting event.

It’s not. Its an entertainment juggernaut.

It doesn’t matter who wins or loses, but who entertains you.

Here is a run down of the players who can be relied upon for some sort of pleasure.

Bangalore

Still look like a librarian, but more one you’d like to do learn the dewy decimal system from.

Porn Star: KP

The man they all wanted. Won’t be there long, has a shocking 2020 record, but will have every camera and microphone pointed at him. Captaining, because that worked so well for him last time.

Pole Dancer: Jesse Ryder

An absolute bargain buy, but could end up as the go to guy for Bangalore with his hitting, occasional wobblers, and general presence, Bangalore might just jump on the big fella’s back and ride him towards the finals.

The boy next door: Virat Kohli

Probably the poorest looking Indian line up in the league. Kohli stands out, is still young, but looks like a freak with the bat.

Model: Rahul Dravid

Made a lot of runs last time, but not at a great rate. Is just not suited to this format, and is here because he is a legend of Indian cricket, not because he is a great 2020 player.

Home Made/Amateur: Roelof van der Merwe.

Smashing Australia at the moment. Handy spinner and ADD like hitter.

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England appoint new coach

England has finally picked their new cricket coach, a wide-eyed female white kitten.

Hugh Morris from the ECB said “For too long our cricket coaches have been savaged by the press, every move is criticised, and the team has suffered. So to counter this we have brought in a kitten so cute that no one can hate it. I dare you to ridicule this kitten, look at its eyes those silly little paws, and the tail that is too short to bend, cuteness.”.

It’s a risky move by England, as most cricket journalists hate cats even more than they hate the English cricket team.

Andy Flower was the front-runner for the position, and even though he is cute, Zimbabwean, and once opposed a fascist dictator while batting, he is more ‘take home to your mum cute’, rather than ‘look at the kitty’ cute.

The kitten has yet to be named, although sources from the ECB seemed to be leaning towards ‘princess fluffy pants’.

Picking a female kitten will also quieten down the women’s cricket community who recently complained there weren’t more females in top positions.

With the kitten taking over, this does spell the end for Samit Patel, English officials will be hesitant to place him in a room with any small animal after he ate Kevin Pietersen’s Chihuahua ‘jess’.

England are still yet to name their twenty 20 captain, the logical choices are Dimi Mascarenhas, Robert Key, and Eddie (the dog from Frasier).

Morris said, “They all have their strong points, Dimi is Australian, Rob has an autocratic pomp, and Eddie is cute, has a rogue charm, and his form a few years ago was exceptional. “

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The 5 most important, sexy, turnstile turningist cricketers on the planet

Ages ago i started a 5 most important cricketer series.

But by the time i was half way through i already disagreed with my selections.

This one is not so much about the future of cricket, but about the here and now.

These are the guys that are leading cricket right now, forget about old men like Ponting and Tendulkar, these are the men.


Mitchell Johnson

Bats like bowling all rounders are supposed to; bowls like left armers almost never do; and has gone from a run leaking vanity project to the most explosive player on earth in one year. I’m not sure how.

Three players on the planet can make test hundreds and bowl at over 90 miles per hour. The other two are older, slower, and injury proner. Is Australia’s most important player by so far no one can work out who is the second most important.

When Dennis Lillee said he was a once in a generation player, did he mean as an all rounder?

Jesse Ryder

Prince Brendan McCullum may get the big IPL bucks, he might have the body art, and be the marquee player for New Zealand, but Jesse is the marquee.

Jesse is 6 tests into a career and is already carving India’s ‘way better than average’ bowling attack. Likes making runs under pressure, takes the odd wicket and seems to inspire his team mates. It’s too early to put him on this list, and yet here he is.

Keep him out of the pub and New Zealand have a messiah.

Virender Sehwag

Considered a novelty act for a great deal of his career, but only by troglodytes. Sehwag was the real deal even when internal politics kept him out of the Indian side.
Since returning in Perth, Sehwag has started to damage bowling attacks with a special brand of religious intent (Sehwagology). The problem with getting him out is that you still have to go through the best batting line up in cricket, the problem with not getting him out is he can make 300 at better than a run a ball.

There is no test batsman who can win a game, or produce a bowlers mental breakdown, quicker than this man.

Kevin Pietersen

No matter where you stand on KP, complete wanker or batting stylist par excellence, fewer cricketers are more engaging on or off the field. The world’s highest paid cricketer (we don’t count Freddie, you don’t get paid for being injured) is still the prize wicket of the English team, and is box office in every way.

Australia will know that if they can keep him quiet in the ashes, on the field (no one can keep him quiet off it), they will go along way to winning. He is 45% of the reason Lalit Modi wanted English players in the IPL.

Cricket’s David Beckham, and I mean that as a compliment and a slur.

Dale Steyn

Probably not the fastest bowler on the planet, but no one takes wickets at a quicker rate. Wrestles crocodiles in his spare time, and often has a weird shadow on his top lip.
Does seem to be very hit and miss, but is still young enough to get away with it. When he takes wickets, they seem to come in large bags and he looks on top of the world, for a great deal of the rest of the time he looks flat and bored.

Not the prettiest boy in the band, but the only one who can really sing.

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Show KP The Way To Go Home

So, poor old Kevin Pietersen is a bit homesick and wanted to pop back to England for 48 hours during the current tour. This is quite understandable, given that he’s been away for almost three months.

What is less comprehensible is that, after a week or so back in Blighty, he’s taking off for 3 weeks in the IPL.

I guess this just goes to show that, when it comes to homesickness, the only real cure is nice big injection. Of cash. To the order of half a million pounds.

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KP takes on the Chrab

Somehow I missed this when it was first talked about, but KP bagged Shiv for “playing for himself”.

Not with himself.

On that subject KP said, “we all do it, it’s natural, and look how good my eyesight is”.

Chris Gayle has come out and backed his Shiv.

But how many of us haven’t thought the same thing?

When Chris Gayle and Ramneresh Sarwan were injured in South Africa,  Dwayne Bravo took over as captain.

How many complete fucken shit cunts have batted at 4, and sometimes 3, while Shiv sits on his throne at 5?

Would other batsmen retire in a first class innings so they can go and get an award?

And have you seen him bat with the tail, I am sure I am not the only one who thinks he cares more about red ink than getting the most out of them.

Plus he puts tape on his face, and that is stupid.

We all respect Shiv as a batsmen, the man is harder to get out than an Alabama tick.

But he doesn’t look like a team player.

In one of the tests against England, he couldn’t field because he was injured, well he could field, for short spells, but he couldn’t really move much, then he came out to bat, and didn’t use a runner.

I’m all for pointing at KP and laughing, but as good as Shiv is, and he is good, there is no doubt that there have been far more selfless players international cricket.

That said he has had to carry this useless mob for a few years now, it’s bound to eat at you until you think, “fuck em, I’m here for me and mine”.

For instance if i’d been carrying the team for years, and a tailender asked me how to bat, I’d tell him, “I don’t know idiot, just bat and bat and bat.”

Talking of KP, after he called Shiv selfish, why didn’t the journalist ask him if he was planning on moving up the order to 3 any time soon?

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