Tagged with kevin pietersen …

Jul 22 2011
1 Comment
indians

The DRS hates Dhoni

MS Dhoni is a wicket keeper.

So when he comes on to bowl cricket statisticians orgasm, commentators chuckle and real cricket sadists find another years to fall in love.

If there was anyone in world cricket who didn’t want KP to go out to Dhoni, other than KP himself, they should be beaten.

Dhoni getting the wicket of KP is the sort of thing that adds to his legend.

In 12 years time you’re in a bar in Oslo (while some might know that I wrote Oslo before the fucked up shit happened, others may not. So I’m not changing this post, because fuck you you fucking terrorist cuntwad skull fucking cuntoxs, Oslo would be a cool place for the following story to happen in, who doesn’t want to get laid or drink booze with a crickety friend in Oslo. Stick that up your ass terrorists, I know the sole aim of your attack was to make me look like a fuckwit, but you lose), and some guy buys you a beer, you find out he’s a cricket fan and you can bond over Dhoni getting KP out.

You could have a lover in Oslo, or a drinking partner, and it’s all about Dhoni getting KP.

Cricket doesn’t win by KP staying in, thrusting his groin oddly down the wicket, it wins with a wicket keeping world cup winning captain getting out someone like KP.

That’s why DRS sucks.

But this isn’t just DRS’ fault, because cricket hasn’t got the laws right.

If there is a chance that something really cool could happen, it should.

Forget about hotspot, massage the laws however you need to, but the world is a better place when Dhoni gets KP out, and the laws need to help this.

Sure, it’s a tough law to police, but cricket needs it.

We can call it the Dhoni law, which means it’s slightly broader than it needs to be.

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Dec 23 2010
21 Comments
ashes

ashes merchandise fail

I understand that the ashes is a big series that people want to make money off, and I understand the appeal of bobble heads, but in what world does this look like Ricky Ponting?

KP sort of looks like KP if he was trying to look like Guy Fawkes.

But, Ricky, well, he looks more like Josh Hazelwood’s ventriloquists dummy.

It should also be noticed that KP is not the captain of England.

I only say that incase Adidas didn’t know.

If you know who this “ricky” doll has been based on, feel free to link to that person in the comments.

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Dec 23 2010
3 Comments
ashes

The KP and Mitch relationship

While I may have an abusive relationship with Mitch, KP’s relationship with him is much different.

You only had to look into KP’s eyes while he denounced any possibility of having a relationship with Mitch to know it was something quite special.

Last week it was Mitch saying that KP was a smart ass and that KP hadn’t seriously asked for his number.

On the surface this could be just ashes byplay that means less than nothing other that keeping newspapers printing.

Ofcourse, that’s what they want you to think.

In truth this all started long ago when KP was playing in Brisbane and he saw Mitchell in his short plumbing shorts.

No it didn’t.

If you expect some sort of cricket slash story involving Mitch unclogging KP’s pipe this isn’t the place.

KP and Mitch have no relationship.

None whatsoever.

It wasn’t until last week that KP even knew Mitch existed.  Before getting bowled he thought Mitch was a net bowler who kept accidently walking out on the pitch.

And Mitch still can’t tell KP from Trott.  Cooley sent him out with a note that said, “KP is the one with the camp Saffa accent”, but Mitch couldn’t tell which one of them sounded like a camper.

Both men could be in the same elevator without any sexual tension being noticeable to a third party.

Their relationship is not professional or platonic, it simply fails to exist.  Like Mitch’s inswinger a fortnight ago.

When Mitch was dropped (rested) and KP was (rested) dropped, they didn’t console each other.  There were no soothing text messages or kind digital words of any kind.

Mitch just continued his gormless existence and KP went about his life in KP land.

Although, if they did have a sexual relationship…. No, can’t even try and go there, imagining that is worse than watching a Mitch short ball down the legside or KP sweeping Hauritz off his head.  Although if you combine the two naked and that is exactly how they would go about it.

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Oct 28 2010
20 Comments
ashes, poms

Is John Buchanan a nobody or something else?

It’s one of the biggest questions in cricket, and also, kind of stupid.

If you are talking about him, he isn’t a no one, not even in quantum physics.

Buchanan’s comments got international media attention, that isn’t a nobody.  If I said KP was going to be a liability, it wouldn’t make a newspaper.  Unless I also claimed I had photos of him dressing as Xena.

But what is Buchanan?

A leech that attached itself to very strong creatures in New Texas and Australia and just sucked them dry ensuring he had a long and fruitful career whilst looking at a clipboard.

An enigma of cricket coaching that gets the most out of hard working players and completely pisses off the talented players in his line up.

A series of atoms formed into the shape of a man with a ridiculous moustache.

A cardboard cut out that you plonk in front of reporters for press conferences with a tape recorder attached and wows reporters with his knowledge of motivational speak and old crappy Chinese writers.

Something Shane Warne dragged in on his shoe.

Cricket’s first coaching accountant, who made sure that his team were rarely in the black.

Someone who got famous for accidentally leaving out his team notes for a shield final, and then did it on purpose a bunch of times after that without ever coming up with a more original idea.

Sourav Ganguly’s pet.

The ultimate cricketing conman.

One of those people who gets jobs they shouldn’t because they interview so well.

It’s all a rather large mystery.  He seems to exist, earn money, get more work, is often quoted in the news, and yet, what is he?

I doubt he is human, but he also doesn’t feel robotic or alien.  Perhaps he is a hybrid species of animal, one who can impress the people who matter, frustrate those who don’t, and continue to talk in a deep serious tone for hours on end while certain people nod in agreement.

Shit, maybe he is a priest. He certainly looks like he could be a priest from the wild west with that moustache and his love of wide brimmed hats.  Helping the gold miners and annoying the gun slingers.  Giving advice that can often be ignored by most people and seems to give comfort to a few.  Always wanting to be involved, but never really getting his hands dirty. The nerdish straight laced one who never quite fits in with most of the regular folks yet the towns elders really like having around.

He definitely isn’t a nobody, and if you call someone a nobody, aren’t you really saying they aren’t a nobody? Surely the best way to call someone a nobody is by saying, “sorry, who is that, nope, never heard of him”.

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Jun 04 2010
8 Comments
poms

KP is human, and that unsettles me

There is something wonderfully insane about KP.

Sure you can pick on the old hairstyle, stupid tattoo, celebrity lady, mincing or what ever it is you’ve decided is the thing that pisses you off.

Most of us just assume he isn’t quite human.

He doesn’t quite feel right.

So today, once Shafiul Islam had bowled himself into the ground, KP looked around and realised that he was facing three spinners who he played like they weren’t spinning the balls, and Shahadat Hossain who was struggling to do anything.

He could have taken the Ian Bell route. Nudged the ball around. Scored at will with a field set back. Eased the crowd in a gentle but deep sleep. Made sure he kept his head. Milked the poor bowling.

People do this in life. It isn’t bad, it’s work. They know their bosses are watching and that a steady consistent performance will give them results, no matter how boring the job is.

KP seems almost unable to bat when he is bored.

Instead of pushing it around, he lifted the ball over the off and on side for fun, even with fielders out. He made 64 off 81 while the rest of the team batted line prozac users.

After lunch he charged, hoiked and slogged the spinners.

He scored 48 off 42 balls from them.

For most of those 42 balls he looked very bored.

Occasionally he would start to come down the wicket before the ball was bowled, there was unnecessary shots across the line, and hitting balls in the air for fun.

The fact that, yet again, he went out to a left arm bowler seems to be less the story than how bored he looked in the middle.

His dismissal came from him charging down the wicket, getting out played by Shakib, and then KP standing mid pitch with only one hand on the bat as he was stumped.

But here is the rub, in almost every way KP is some sort of alien insect being. Most of us would never think of KP as someone like us.

Yet, how many of us have done a shit job at work because of boredom. How many times have you played it fast and loose with some tedious job only to fuck it up? Is it possible that you believed a task was beneath you, and you yawned your way towards doing it badly?

I always get bored, I fuck up all menial jobs, and my whole working life was doing shit at work. I am sure I am not alone.

If you haven’t done any of these, you are probably related to Mike Hussey.

For the rest of us, this is a sick realization, because if you think about it, there is more than a little bit of KP in you.

Somehow it was easier to just think he was alien.

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May 09 2010
14 Comments
world twenty20

Why cricket needs Lalit Modi

Today England have to let go KP so he can rush home to watch his popette wife can deliver his spawn.

I’ve written before and International cricketers’ WAGs needing to fit their gestation into the Future Tours Program.

Sadly, they have not listened and Mrs KP is now going to produce her little KP during a ICC tournament.

Instead of making a big deal about it, the ECB are handling it with properness and decorum.

This is obviously the wrong way to handle it.

For one, KP is being allowed to go home.

KP is box office.  People love to see him fail and make runs.  People love the drama he brings with every slightly nerdy red bull run. He is England’s franchise player.

By allowing him to go home they are robbing themselves of him for at least one game, which might not seem like much, but during a tournament as jam packed as this one, it needs as much KP as you can squeeze in.

This is how I believe Lalit would handle the situation.

KP would never be allowed to go home.

Instead Mrs KP would be flown out, on a private plane, to barbados.  The camera crews would be tipped off as to when she was traveling over, so that there were heaps of shots of her and her team of medical professionals (good looking Indian Doctor and team of 6 blonde nurses).  For the next few hours news stations would be showing these clips on a loop.

Then Mrs KP and the team arrive and are hidden away amongst much secrecy.  Hopefully by this time the private jet, sexy medic team, shots at the airport in London have whipped the media into a frenzy.  I could imagine Sky Sports Tim Abraham outside the team hotel saying, “We’ve been informed that Mrs KP is fine, but there is still plenty of Mystery around as to why Mrs KP has been flown over. Some of the more out there conspiracy theories is that the team are to eat the placenta in a team bonding exercise.”

On twitter Lalit could have laughed off that.

Instead what Lalit does is organise a tent to be out on the ground, a medically sound tent, so before England’s next match Mrs KP can be cesarianed on the ground, for decency and medical reasons it will be not be shown to the crowd.

After she has given birth, the baby will be suitably cleaned and attired.

Then KP shall exit the tent, him wearing his English kit, the baby in a teeny tiny replica shirt (with Pietersen on the back).

KP shall then lift the child into the air, Lion King style.

At this stage the only people on the ground, who aren’t in the tent, should be KP, baby KP, and the cameraman and crane operator who are shooting the momentus occasion with the Michael Bay shot of tracking around KP and baby.

If the ICC tried to stage manage this event Mrs KP would give birth in a community hospital to a intern on her first day on the job.

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Apr 02 2010
11 Comments
general balls

The Jesus XI

Happy Jesus on a stick day. A day that is all about honouring someone who died so that we can all be perverts and animals, but you can’t eat steak, in case some is made of him.

In honour of Jesus dying I’ve compiled an XI of players who died, and were then reborn, or you know, other Christian type shit. Jesus, as we all know, was a wicket keeper.

S Katich – Found himself in a cricket career cave due to some horrific test form, but then his God, Bob Simpson, helped him, and thankfully we now have Katich shuttling around the crease for days on end.

M Sinclair – Impossible as it is to enjoy the way he plays, Sinclair is the one cricketer most likely to survive Sodom and Gomorrah. When the Kiwis are having a selectorial apocalypse, it is Sinclair they turn to. He will always live with us.

I Bell – If Bell truly was the son of God, Christianity would have died out by now. Instead Bell seems ordained by some higher power, perhaps Murdoch, to play the number 3 position for England. He coveted it while he had to wait out Pestilence (Shah), War (Bopara) and Famine (Trott) but he found his way back to number three.

M Hussey – Has never left heavenly earth, but what exactly was he doing between the age of 12 and 30.

K Pietersen – An outcast with his old religion he became the father, son and holy bail of a new one. It still hasn’t been smooth sailing, but he no longer has to bowl off spin, so that is good.

K Akmal – Crucified on the pitch for one of the most heretical displays of wicket keeping ever written about. But he will be back, you can’t keep a Pakistani cricketer away for too long. Even if he comes back as a kolpak.

A Flintoff – as was written.

N Hauritz – Outbowled by M Clarke and then shunned by his country, his state, and his knew state. One day four wise men decided to pick him up from the gutter he found himself in, and bugger me if he hasn’t stayed around since then.

S Bond – Needed to go on a spiritual adventure to India so that one day he could come back to New Zealand and tell them he was available for white ball games and then continued his spiritual adventure in India.

A Mendis – The man is full of mystery, but once you work it out, it is all kind of simple and you don’t really care anymore.

A Nehra – From a world cup final to the great abyss, but thanks to Lalit K, Nehra has been brought back so that we can all pray at his long limbs and permanent angry face.

J Patel (12th) – Is so good at being 12th man I couldn’t see why he wouldn’t do it for Jesus.

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Aug 06 2009
ashes, aussies

Michael Clarke Debunked

Yesterday’s face saving innings (from an Australian, if not a personal perspective) has had a few people wondering if Clarke is one of the best batsmen in the world today.

Hmmmmm.

Yesterday’s ton was his 12th in 81 innings, a strike rate of one every 6.75 innings.

In the current series, that puts him behind Ponting (exactly 1:6), but ahead of both Katich and Mr Cricket. But it also puts him behind Strauss (1:6.61) and Pietersen (1:6.06). Which, for my money, makes him no better than 5th in the world and probably not even in the top ten.Unfortunately for Australia, he’s currently their only batsman in any kind of consistent form and yet he’s still rubbish against the moving ball. If one thing emphasises Australia’s struggles in this series, it is that.

(Katich and Hussey, incidentally, have very similar records. One lost his place and fought and fought til he won it back; the other seems undroppable no matter how bad his form. Makes you wonder who deserves that Mr Cricket title more, doesn’t it?)

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Aug 05 2009
ashes, poms, tactics

The Trott Theory

Jonathan Trott was born in South Africa.

So were Andrew Strauss and Matt Prior.

Throw in Kevin Pietersen and that’s 1/4 of the 16 players England have called up this summer who were born Saffers.

I don’t have a problem with this. England has a proud tradition of utilising players from the former colonies. Heck, some of them – Dexter, Grieg, Lamb (once) and two of the above have gone on to captain the side.

My problem is that we’re clearly missing a trick. None of these have produced offspring who were also born abroad (preferably in SA). This shows a serious lack of forward planning by the ECB. Hell, Strauss was even allowed to return home from a tour to be with his wife whilst she gave birth. In England. What the ECB should’ve done was to ship her out to Jo’burg at 24 weeks, then confine her there until after the big squeeze.

They made the same mistake with Mrs Prior, too, which just shows what a bunch of braindeads they are.

KP has to be next in the frame. He’s got a few weeks where he can’t really do anything but put his feet up and he’s known to enjoy spending extra time with Jessica. If Geoff Miller hasn’t stuck the pair of them on a plane to Durban by now, he should be penning his resignation letter first thing in the morning. The future of English cricket demands nothing less.

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Jul 23 2009
ashes, poms

Who will miss KP the most

The young fan who wants to grow up and play across the line and have a pop star girlfriend.

The ladies/gay men who feel KP brings a certain level of sexual sophistication to the game.

Andy Flower, who believes that KP brings a sense of dynamism to the English batting line up.

The Australian fan who loves to see him hobble.

The anti KP faction who love it when his average is coming down.

His sponsors, especially the VW Phaeton of whom KP thinks, “Its a fantastic car that let’s me travel in style up and down the country allowing me to arrive refreshed and relaxed.”

The Australians, who must have been happy that he was looking toothless.

The cameramen, now who will be their default shot.

Jessica Taylor, who has to put up with him 24/7.

News of the World, who paid all this money for a gimp.

Ian Bell.

This is a trick question of course, the real answer is the English cricket media.

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