Keith Miller was the original inspiration for batman.
Eventually it was decided that making a comic about an Australian cricketer wouldn’t translate well in America.
The Bruce Wayne part of the character was changed, but out of respect for the great man the batman part of the character was kept in keeping with Keith Miller’s general level of cool.
The Invincibles didn’t get their name because of their destroyation of England in ’48.
They got that name when a fleet of Russian paratroopers dropped onto their ship and started killing the passangers on their voyage over.
Bradman killed the most Russians (he even stabbed some who were already killed by others), but Miller killed the bigger and tougher ones, and did so with a smile on his face and flick of his flowing locks.
Sam Loxton didn’t kill any, but he did run behind Bradman telling him how great he did.
Today is Don Bradman’s birthday.
People will gush about him.
Old journalists will fill buckets with their semen.
And politicians will rush to microphones to say all sorts of nice things about him.
You will not see affection for Don Bradman here.
I don’t care for the man.
His birthday means nothing to me.
I don’t give a rats ass..
The man is a dead over achiever.
Sure he made a lot of runs.
And I am sure he is a better batsman than Mark Butcher.
But I don’t care.
That is why I am proclaiming the 27th of August, Keith Miller Day.
Ways you can celebrate Keith Miller day:
Kick an aussie rules football.
Fuck a member of royalty.
Talk to Michael Parkinson.
Shoot down a German war plane.
Or show general indifference to Bradman as a legend.
Pakistani’s have always been cool. Imran, Safraz, Abdul, Mushtaq, Afridi, Inzy… Hell the list is endless.
The other sub continent sides have been severely lacking in the coolness department. They have had the odd Fonz, like Ahzurrdin and Shastri, but they were the exceptions.
Times have changed though.
Somehow in spite of themselves India and Sri Lanka have produced cool players.
My thoughts on Yuvraj (sourav who) and Dhoni have been well known for a while.
But Sri Lanka has some dudes in their team now that are also quite cool. Malinga has a hair style that makes Nathan Bracken look straight, an eyebrow piercing and a bowling action that makes him look slightly retarded.
And yet the boy is still cool.
But he has nothing on the King.
Kumar is like Charlie Bronson in the dirty dozen, tough, talented and a mother f*cker to boot.
He is the prototype of what Sub Continental players should be.
Talented, gutsy, brilliant, aesthetically pleasing, and a player who loves a scrap.
He sledges like Steve Waugh in a world cup.
He bats like Lara used to when he was interested.
He keeps better than most of the worlds stoppers.
And of recent times he is as close to batting perfection as I have seen.
I think for the good of world cricket, he came along at the right time. The Proboters are starting to take over, and we need the likes of Kumar to fight the good fight.
Too many batsmen play like they are fighting for their mortagage, he bats like he is trying to win a cricket match.
Keith Miller style.
His innings in Tasmania was more than enough reason to keep Hobart on the map for the next few years.
Now he takes on England.
The Poms would have to be favourite for this series, but Australia only had to face him once and he damn near drew the series on his own.
If he averages under 70, England will win, if not, good luck England.
No one fu©ks with the king baby.
N(ew)S(outh)W(ales) have announced their greatest team of the last 150 years.
The only reason I mention it, is I wanted to see whether Keith Miller was picked.
He was not, so obvioulsy they chose the team based on where you were born, not where you ended up.
Victor Trumper made it, he was so good, he must be, he is from NSW and still one of my favourite players of all time.
Some great names in the side, but some interesting players overlooked, like Allan Border (where was he born), Adam Gilchrist(not his fault they chose Phil Emery), and Glenn McGrath (not as good as Charles Turner) among them.
Also lead singer of Six & Out Richard Chee Quee missed out.
Richie did make a funny reamrk though, when asked about the David Hookes quote
“When your givin a blues cap you get a baggygreen in a brown paper bag as well”
Richie said that wasn’t always true. Sometimes it was in a white bag.
Smooth.
.jpg "Victoria vs New South Wales 28th November 2007")
Recently I was granted a special permission, (special to me) the gift of wireless connection that only media receive at the MCG.
Meaning I can use the Internet at the G, while I watch the games. You can imagine how excited I was, am. I could have kissed the Mcg’s media manager, which over the phone would have been quite a feat.
So this is my first post written and posted at the G. It’s dedicated to the ground I grew up at.
You can be lucky in life, I was born in Melbourne, so that’s a bit more fun than say the West Bank, Denver or Freetown.
Living in Melbourne, only 40 minutes from the MCG, is something you can take for granted. Every year I visit the ground at least 30 times. Mostly for Aussie rules, but that’s only cause there’s a lot more football played here than cricket. Most cricket supporters from around the world would love to visit it just once.
My first memory of the ground was a football match between Collingwood (my mob) and Geelong. All I remember is the Collingwood cheer squad yelling Ablett is a w@nker, as he kicked goal after goal. At the time I didn’t know what one was, or that he was one. Now I understand and agree with the sentiment.
My first cricket memory was a state game between NSW and the Vics. Mike Whitney stormed in first ball of the day and slipped over. That’s when I fell in love with watching the game. Later in the day Simon O’Donnell hit out, eventually caught hooking, that’s when I fell in love with Victoria.
First test I saw was Pakistan. Akram was the fastest thing I had ever seen, and then Dean Jones came out to face him. One ball later and the hometown hero was sent back by Akram. Later on a Pakistan player picked the ball up from the fence, and someone hit him with a flag. Seemed unnecessary, but I still laughed.
The 1st One dayer I saw was with Big daddy and my Uncle, my dad wouldn’t go, as he hated one day cricket and Kerry Packer. The game was against New Zealand and the only thing I remember is getting told off by some middle aged woman who thought I was standing up too much. Oh and alot of sheep jokes.
I went to the David Boon memorial game, and spent most of the second innings chatting to Devon Malcolm on the fence. He was a very nice chap, good sense of humour.
I saw Warne’s hattrick, no really. Was in the underneath section of the old Olympic stand at the back of the first level. Just my dad and me, we actually thought it would be a good days cricket, first ball, McDermott got a wicket off a full toss, I think, and I remember saying to Dad, what a waste of time it was coming down today. Other than the hattrick I was correct.
When I was a teenager we used to take plastic containers full of bourbon into the ground. Even then, I knew drunk is the only way to truly enjoy a one dayer. We never really got that drunk to be honest, it was so hot you usually sweated it all out straight away.
My dad still won’t forgive me for going to the 4th day a test against the Windies. We saw a scrappy days play, where Damien Martyn made 60 odd I think. The day my dad wanted to go to was the 5th day, where Warne took his first 7 wicket haul. Whoops. But I blame him, I knew too much about cricket, he said let’s go to the 5th day, and I said no, the cricket might not last all day on the 5th and I wanted to see a whole days play. I was right.
In 2001 on the way to the G, Big daddy and another guy got run over in front of me. I’m talking the full deal, knocked up in the air, the shoes went flying, the windscreen was broken and it looked like they would both die. The ambulance took us to the hospital, they decided that both of them were ok, so from there we went straight to the cricket. Where Big daddy continued to take the glass out of his hair for the whole game (and for the next few days).
I remember the state games where Langer would be abused by the Victorian fans from the moment he walked out on the field until the close of play. I also remember him swearing at them, threatening them and one day squaring up to a guy who was standing next to me. The guy was 6’6, but he backed down before Langer did.
The One Dayer against South Africa that was so boring that Big Daddy fell asleep. Mind you there was a lot of bourbon involved.
The state games where Greg Matthews would sledge the crowd non stop. Between every ball, and at the end of every over. In fact the only time he shut up was during his overs.
I saw McGrath flip the bird to a Victorian supporter one day, sure he deserved it, but it was funny coming from him.
Of the three best innings I have seen at the G, only one was not by Matthew Elliott, that was Jacques Kallis holding off Shane Warne on a fifth day wicket. That was amazing, he was beaten so many times, but he just never wavered.
Almost every time I’m at a cricket game with my dad he mentions the story about the day he was working the bar at the G, but no one wanted a beer. Sobers was playing for the world eleven, my dad watched the whole thing for free. Sobers made a double hundred, and everyone who saw it knew it was something amazing.
Only last year I remember Sime and myself laughing uncontrollably at Big Daddy as he abused Ponting for near on an hour, cause Ponting wouldn’t bring McGrath on to finish the tail. It was to be McGrath’s last test in Melbourne. Even when the crowd sitting around us told Big Daddy to shut up, he just kept doing it, until Lee took the last wicket.
I had one of the hottest girls I’ve ever seen sit in front of me at a test against Pakistan once. She was, um, well built with a low level of covering on. Thanks to the MCG grandstand gradient and her constant stretching I had a great day. I think Dizzy and Marto made runs.
The best innings I saw at the G was Matthew Elliott smashing Stuart Clark and Stuart MacGill around. Behind me, sat then Australian chairman of selectors Trevor Hohns. Every time Elliott hit another 4 or 6, I turned to him and made a little comment. He took it well, didn’t help Elliott though, who only played two more tests after that.
I sledged David Hookes the day he died. He was Victorian Coach at the time, and as he often did, he was walking around the boundary while we were struggling. I said, “think we’ve got enough all rounders playing Hookesy”, he smiled and said ”yup”. We had about 6 all rounders playing that day, and Lehmann was smashing them everywhere. Then the game turned, the all rounders took a bag full of wickets. That night he was king hit.
Later that season I went to 4 out of the 5 days in the pura Sheffield cup Shield final. I was on the ground when the great Chuck Berry announced his retirement, and someone yelled out Oh fu©k no as he said it.
I also was at the one day game where Warne did his shoulder and Berry had to go out and field.
Thanks to an ex I’ve even had a bit of lovin at the ground. It wasn’t a six, but it was a well run three. Hows that for a metaphor.
I went to a football game once, and on the way out I walked past the Keith Miller statue at the ground. He looked like a superhero, which he practically was. So I wrote a short story about him being one.
I once attended a Bushrangers camp where I bowled with Damien Fleming and Craig Howard. And Chuck Berry gave me keeping advice. All of this happened on the G.
It’s amazing how a piece of real estate can feel like a family member. I feel more comfortable sitting in the grand stand on my own, than I have at any job or social situation in my whole life.
I do take it for granted, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how lucky I am.
Now available to read at Sportsfreak.
I don’t know how many of you have watched the Animatrix short films series.
They were made as a cheat sheet for Matrix nerds (Big daddy & I) as a filler for all the plot holes between Matrix 1 & 2.
I mention this, not because I plan on giving you a review of these short films, but because one of them has sort of (not really) become true.
There is a short film in the series called, World Record, it’s by far one of the wankier ones.
It’s about a sprinter who works out that the matrix exists by his super human performances.
This reminds me of Ashely Noffke’s recent performances.
19 wickets at 20, with three 5 wicket hauls. 393 runs with one century and a few fiddys to his name. State cricket has never seen a transformation like it.
One minute he is an average bit player who destroys Victoria from time to time, and now he is Luke freakin Skywalker.
Average players need to accept their place in life, they can’t suddenly become Keith Miller or Imran Khan.
When one breaks the shackles, if they perform so far above their station in life that they rip at the very fabric of reality, their body can surely not live up to that sort of strain.
Hence why Ashley Noffke performed such a perfect superhuman job of destroying Victoria, and then his body gave way.
There are limits to human endurance, and Ashley has learnt, he is not meant to perform at that level.
Luckily for him he hasn’t ended up in an asylum like the dude in the animatrix.
However he has learnt his lesson, so we can expect more measured performances from him, none of this superman ©rap in the future.
Monica was in the second Matrix. True Story..jpg)
Imagine I’m the selector of the best team ever for Australia.
Done?
Good, here is my team.
My criteria is based on many different factors. Whether I’d like to have a beer with them, how attacking they were as a cricketer, whether I liked them, what sort of team men they were and my mood on the day of writing this.
1. Trumper – just beats Hayden for mine, because as aggressive as Hayden is, Trumper made hundreds before lunch and is involved in the best cricket photo of all time.
2. Ponsford – was the perfect opening batsmen, who didn’t just blunt the new ball, but often blunted the second new ball as well. Its an honour to sit in his stand at the Mcg. Oh and he may be from the northern suburbs of Melbourne.
3.Ponting – Professional cricketer he may be, he is also a good drinker and a working class boy who owns greyhounds. Plus would be a champion in any era, can score runs on any surface and uses attack as a defence.
4. Harvey – Every team needs an expert in spin bowling and a classy number 4. There was no one classier or better against spin than Neil Harvey. Forget about him becoming an old codger, remember him when he was king, and also born in the northern suburbs of Melbourne.
5. Border – Every team needs a tough son of a b1tch. So why not get one who carried Australia on his back for most of his career. The perfect vice captain and middle order batsmen.
6. Miller – Probably the first player I picked. My favourite cricketer of all time. I stood outside his funeral service, I didn’t know if I should go in, not sure if I was worthy. Played cricket and lived life they way it should be done. Best allrounder in Australia by a long distance.
7. Gilchrist – There have been state keepers with better glove work than Gilchrist. But he regularly wins cricket matches in a session, and that to me sets him apart from any other keeper and most other batsmen of our time.
8. Benaud – Picked as a captain if nothing else. But as a number 8 batsmen and fifth bowler he more than deserves his selection here. Only man in the world I would like to have a glass of red with.
9. O’Reilly – Was all but unplayable. Bowled Leg spin like he was a fast bowler. Was a brutal man who spoke his extremely intelligent mind quite often. Was never dominated by any batsman. That’s why he is in my team. Great nickname as well.
10 Lillee – Probably as close to their perfect fast bowler as you can get. Fast, accurate, smart, swing, seam, brutality and awareness. Need I say more?
11. McGrath – In a team of attacking bowlers I was tempted to choose Lindwall or Spofforth to support Lillee, but I just couldn’t go past the metronome. I like the fact he wasn’t a child prodigy that he believed in himself when others didn’t, and that he changed the way Bowlers went about their business.
Feel free to get angry and tell me i am wrong in the comments.
Hope i didn’t miss anyone.
