Kamran, it’s Jrod from cricket with balls, can we have a quick chat?

We need him and we need his wisdom and his bitchin’-ness.

Cool, how do you feel about missing those three chances?

If you think about it, dude, it’s like I’m 0 for 3 with catches, with never an excuse, but like in cricket, the scoreboard doesn’t lie, never has. So what we all have is a catchof the heart. To sully or contaminate or radically disrespect this fielding with a shameful catch is something that I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers.

Good point. What do you say to those who think you should be dropped?

I am on a drug, it’s called Kamran Akmal!

Some people are going to accuse you of match fixing out there.

I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and bitchin’ and just winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin’ and just deliverying the goods at every frickin’ turn, because, look what I’m dealing with’ man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls, dealing with soft targets and it’s just, you know it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee because I don’t have time for these clowns.

OK, but some people are going to accuse you of performing badly for cash?

I have one speed, one gear. I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying’s for fools, dying’s for amateurs.

Nice Imran Khan reference, but are you saying you took money?

I don’t buy it. I don’t agree with it, I don’t trust it, I don’t care about it, I don’t ever want to hear those words put together again. What it was isn’t what you thought it is because it is what it is, because you claim so, because you confirm it, because you insist that it is what it is and therefore it ain’t what it ain’t. It ain’t what it ain’t, which is gold and winning and magic, because that’s how I roll. It is what it is, and your stupid, boring contaminated world because you allowed it.

Are you shit or a cheat?

I’m burning my own face but I can’t feel the fucken heat because I don’t feel fucken pain because pain is a fucken myth.

Thanks for nothing you shitty keeping fucktard.

What’s not to love? It’s MY life. Winning!

It seems that some time between the fourth and fifth one dayer Zulqarnain Haider just up and vanished.

As one of Zulqarnain Haider’s closest facebook friends, he has kept me in the loop the whole time, and only now that he is safe I can reveal the details.

In the fourth one dayer Zully Q-dawg (as he likes to be called) hit the winning runs.  He did this with style and class as his way.  Unfortunately this angered a very powerful man.

Kamran Akmal.

While Zully Q-dawg was bathing in champagne, Kamran was planning his demise.  We all see Kamran as a bit of a bumbling buffoon, and with the gloves on he is.  Off the field is a whole different story, Kamran is super smooth, and often resembles a European gigolo in an American film.

Kamran put the squeeze of Zully Q-dawg, getting his cronies to tell him, “there is only room for one Pakistani keeper in neutral venues, so if you want to keep your fingers, we suggest a sudden holiday, you dig”.

Zully Q-dawg digged, and he boarded a jet plane.

When he arrived he called the one man he knew that could hide without being found, Lalit K Modi.  Modi and Zully Q-dawg go back a long way.  They used to play bridge together in Belgium in the late 90s.

Lalit told Zully Q-dawg that he could help him out, as long as Zully Q-dawg was willing to digitise himself.  As a keen micro-blogging social-networker, Zully Q-dawg had no idea what Lalit was talking about, but it sounded cool.

From there Lalit hooked him up with a room of computer geeks, and disappeared into the afternoon.

These computer guys then digital transfer him to a digital world, you know, like Tron.

There Zully Q-dawg runs free while throwing frisbees and playing games.  He tells me via email that he has never been happier.

He will come back, one day, when we all deserve him.

It is for match worn Kamran Akmal gloves.

These gloves.

the soft touch

I assume there are other wicket keeping gloves that are match worn on ebay.

Perhaps an old pair of gillys, or some Tim Ambrose signed gloves, it could even be a Partiv Patel pair. There is a lot of match worn gear on the net.

But these are special, because these are the only match worn wicket keeping gloves in history that are still untouched by a cricket ball.

They’ll feel like they’ve been worn, but not used.

There will be no scuff marks, wear and tear, just brand new gloves with the essence of Kamran sprinkled all over them.

Buy them now, only Kamran Akmal can offer match worn keeping gloves in pristine condition.

It seems that Kamran thought Trott had made a sledge about NOTW exclusives.

Now, while I understand the need to sledge Kamran Akmal, for spot fixing or otherwise, I’d like to think Trotty could use some of these in the next ODIs.

“Hey Kamran, have you ever thought of auditioning for the Pakistani Live Action Simpsons film, perhaps for the Moe Syzslak role?”

“Your brother wears green lipstick, and he is still better looking than you.”

“Don’t worry, Kamran, we know you didn’t throw the Sydney test on purpose, you’re just really shit at keeping.”

” Shoaib Malik is a better bloke than you.”

“So Kamran, how much did you pay Broady to take down Haider?”

“Hey Kamran, no really this time, I’m sorry about before, I didn’t realise you were in such pain, I only just saw your batting average.”

“When I mark the pitch I think of your face.”

“You’re not good enough to look up Moin Khan’s asshole”.

“How much to all the other wicket keeping glove makers pay you to not use their gear?”

“That tenner you gave me had a bright green dot in the corner, should I be worried?”

“Inzi is the fat one, Shoaib the sex one, Afridi the crazy one, Asif the poppy one, Shoaib the cunt one, what does that make you, the fucken shit one?”

“Dude, you have green zinc smudged around your lips, have you been kissing your brother you sick fuck?”

I don’t know why.  I was never that good at it.

Recently I bought a book about great keepers of the ages.  That makes me one of the great wicket keeping nerds of all time.

Give me a yarn about side stepping and side stepping and I’m all yours.

That is why I feel ill now.

I’ve had to sit and commentate a whole day of Kamran Akmal “keeping”.

That is right, his wicket keeping is now so shit that it can’t even be called keeping, you need the “” there to really explain it.

Akmal has never been a great keeper, but at times he was as serviceable as any batsman with keeping gloves on.

Now he is the very worst of wicket keeping.

Today he missed a stumping that couldn’t have been easier if Collingwood had told him he’d dance down the wicket and miss one on purpose.

He dropped a catch that was so simple that if he was a make shift keeper you’d be furious.

Then was the fact he spent the whole day standing a metre or two further back that he needed to.

Almost every ball bounced before him, yet he never moved up. Never. He stopped most of them, but Morgan edged one when he was on very few, and it didn’t carry.

Kamran couldn’t be surprised, the ball hadn’t reached him all day, there was little bounce in the wicket, and so he just had to move up.  He didn’t and Morgan is over a hundred not out.

But as bad as the dropped catch, the missed stumping and the standing back was, the worst thing I saw was a moment where he just let a ball go past him.

That Kamran has bad hands and no foot work is a given, but this leave was pure laziness.

Asif had come around the wicket to whichever left handed opener was facing and fired one in at the stumps.

It swung in, but it was always going to miss leg stump even if it didn’t swing.

The ball flew down the legside and went to the rope without anyone touching it.

Kamran didn’t even lean over to the legside, his left foot looked like it was still outside off stump when this happened.

He just watched it happen, never moving, or trying to prevent it.

The ball just went by him.

It was as shit as you could get.

If you showed this to Bert Oldfield, George Duckworth and Tiger Smith they’d die again.

I like Kamran Akmal.

Not as a “keeper”, but he seems to have survived so much shit in Pakistan cricket and be their only regular player, that takes something.

But as a keeper he is a puddle of Vomit.

And today I felt like I was covered in that vomit all day.

In honour of Jesus dying I’ve compiled an XI of players who died, and were then reborn, or you know, other Christian type shit. Jesus, as we all know, was a wicket keeper.

S Katich – Found himself in a cricket career cave due to some horrific test form, but then his God, Bob Simpson, helped him, and thankfully we now have Katich shuttling around the crease for days on end.

M Sinclair – Impossible as it is to enjoy the way he plays, Sinclair is the one cricketer most likely to survive Sodom and Gomorrah. When the Kiwis are having a selectorial apocalypse, it is Sinclair they turn to. He will always live with us.

I Bell – If Bell truly was the son of God, Christianity would have died out by now. Instead Bell seems ordained by some higher power, perhaps Murdoch, to play the number 3 position for England. He coveted it while he had to wait out Pestilence (Shah), War (Bopara) and Famine (Trott) but he found his way back to number three.

M Hussey – Has never left heavenly earth, but what exactly was he doing between the age of 12 and 30.

K Pietersen – An outcast with his old religion he became the father, son and holy bail of a new one. It still hasn’t been smooth sailing, but he no longer has to bowl off spin, so that is good.

K Akmal – Crucified on the pitch for one of the most heretical displays of wicket keeping ever written about. But he will be back, you can’t keep a Pakistani cricketer away for too long. Even if he comes back as a kolpak.

A Flintoff – as was written.

N Hauritz – Outbowled by M Clarke and then shunned by his country, his state, and his knew state. One day four wise men decided to pick him up from the gutter he found himself in, and bugger me if he hasn’t stayed around since then.

S Bond – Needed to go on a spiritual adventure to India so that one day he could come back to New Zealand and tell them he was available for white ball games and then continued his spiritual adventure in India.

A Mendis – The man is full of mystery, but once you work it out, it is all kind of simple and you don’t really care anymore.

A Nehra – From a world cup final to the great abyss, but thanks to Lalit K, Nehra has been brought back so that we can all pray at his long limbs and permanent angry face.

J Patel (12th) – Is so good at being 12th man I couldn’t see why he wouldn’t do it for Jesus.

Kamran: Ahoy hoy.

Mysterious Sounding Dude: Mr Akmal, the chickens are coming home to roost.

Kamran: What fucken chickens.

Mysterious Sounding Dude: We need you to lose this match.

Kamran: This is Pakistan; we can probably lose it from here anyway.

Mysterious Sounding Dude: No, you must ensure. This is very important, I wouldn’t be calling you if it was not, that would be rude. Please lose.

Kamran: And how would I do that?

Mysterious Sounding Dude: We want you to drop every catch, miss run outs and be really shit.

Kamran: Wow, that is subtle, want me to bite a ball as well?

Mysterious Sounding Dude: No that would be stupid. Just perform badly.

Kamran: Won’t that be fucken obvious. I mean if a Pakistani misses a catch 73 politicians start press conferences.

Mysterious Sounding Dude: That is what we want; anarchy, Mr Akmal. We are going to use your bad keeping to fix the country of Pakistan. Your hard hands can start a people led revolution, and all we ask is that your drop some catches and the then we will do the rest.

Kamran: I don’t know, it just sounds kinda stupid.

Mysterious Sounding Dude: Mr Akmal, you are undoubtedly a cricketer of rare quality, but in the world of politics you are mildly retarded, our country needs this, are you going to be a hero for Pakistan?

Kamran: I’m hanging up now.

Mysterious Sounding Dude: Pakistan Zind….

The next day after dropping a catch down the legside.

Moyo: Kamran, you are keeping wickets like some character from fraggle rock?

Kamran: Well, either I am just a really shit keeper having a shocking day, or I am subconscious instrument of change.

Moyo: Sorry?

Kamran: um, Pakistan Zindabad.

Other than knowing which sitcom the teenwolf actors came from and remembering Leonardo DiCaprio’s early start in growing pains, it has not served me well.

So I would like to thank Kamran and Umar for giving me a reason to revisit those times.

You may have seen this on cricinfo already, but this is the uncut balls version.

INT. FAMILY HOUSE – DAY

A jolly tune plays with a friendly voice singing about families as we see a woman, MRS AKMAL, being pushed into the house by a man, MR AKMAL.

MRS AKMAL

Ah, it is good to be home.

MR AKMAL

Glad to have you back.

Two youngsters run down the stairs, UMAR AND KAMRAN, they are slapping each other and yelling.

KAMRAN

Your back is sore.

UMAR

My back is fine.

KAMRAN

You’re lying.

UMAR

You’re dropped.

They run straight past their mother, who sticks out her leg and trips both of them. They fall on top of each other and then start fighting.

Mrs Akmal grabs them by their ears and drags them up.

MRS AKMAL

How about giving your poor mother a kiss then?

Both boys lean in and kiss Mrs Akmal and she lets go of their ears.

MRS AKMAL (CONT’D)

That is much better, now what is all this madcapped behaviour about.

Both boys stare at the floor.

UMAR & KAMRAN

Nuffin.

MRS AKMAL

It doesn’t seem like nothing. Kamran, is this about the 4 dropped catches…

MR AKMAL

(interjecting)

And the missed run out.

MRS AKMAL

And the missed run out.

Kamran shrugs.

UMAR

It totally is, the team dropped him, and now he wants me to pretend to be hurt.

KAMRAN

Shut up, knucklehead.

MRS AKMAL wheels herself over to Kamran, slowly, and lovingly puts a hand on his face, and then grabs him by the ear.

MRS AKMAL

What is wrong with you, is it not enough you have ruined your career with 4 dropped catches.

MR AKMAL

(interjecting)

And the missed run out.

MRS AKMAL

And the missed run out. But now you are trying to ruin your brothers life as well. He is still a young boy of only 23 years of age, 19 in Pakistani Cricket years, and you want to drag him down because of 4 dropped catches.

MR AKMAL

(interjecting)

And.

MRS AKMAL

(interjecting and yelling)

THE RUN OUT, we know.

Kamran breaks free of the ear hold.

KAMRAN

Mom, you don’t understand, wicket keeping at test match level is really hard. There are cameras, and crowds, plus Misbah never shuts up.

Mrs Akmal gestures for Kamran to come over.

MRS AKMAL

I know, come here.

Kamran hesitantly walks over and Mrs Akmal strokes him.

MRS AKMAL (CONT’D)

I am so sorry, are you ok, you poor boy. It isn’t like I

(yelling)

JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK. Is test keeping harder than a heart attack?

Kamran shakes his head as best he can with his ear being held.

MRS AKMAL (CONT’D)

Exactly.

Mrs Akmal notices that there is a glass on her coffee table.

MRS AKMAL (CONT’D)

Why is that glass not on a coaster?

KAMRAN

Muhammad did it.

MRS AKMAL

Oh really, why is it that this Muhammad does all this stuff and I never see it.

KAMRAN

Well if we showed Muhammad, or a character purporting to be Muhammad, we would probably all be killed.

MRS AKMAL

Then why mention him at all.

KAMRAN

For the laughs.

Mrs Akmal tugs on Kamran’s ear, Umar giggles, and she grabs his too.

MRS AKMAL

(to Umar)

You, stop fighting with your brother and go play that test in Hobart.

(to Kamran)

You, stop complaining and go and work on your keeping, because I don’t ever want to see you drop four catches again.

MR AKMAL

(interjecting)

And the…

Mrs Akmal drops the boys ears and rolls over to Mr Akmal and chases him around the room.

MRS AKMAL

Say it again. Say it again! I dare ya, I double dare ya, you knucklehead! Say it one more stupid time.

Kamran and Umar laugh as his mother rides around the room trying to knock over their father.

FADE TO BLACK.

Buy my book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

But not everyone thinks so.

Kamran’s mother, who recently survived a heart attack, was so angry at her son’s treatment that she has ordered Kamran’s younger brother, Umar, to withdraw from the test team.

Umar was initially reluctant as he thinks test cricket is really cool, but his mother was having none of it, and threatened to tear down Umar’s poster of Aisha Linnea Akthar off the wall.

Kamran’s keeping was brought into question when he dropped Hussey, Hussey, Hussey and Siddle during the second test. Most people forget about the run out, because that is not a real dismissal.

Umar is very fond of his brother, but test cricket is really cool, so it wasn’t until his mother said his pocket money would be stripped that he did tell the team he wouldn’t be playing.

Soon after the Akmal matriarch realised that if she took Umar out of the team that would mean she would have no sons playing test cricket, and as she thinks test cricket is really cool, she decided to let Umar play, for now.

I spoke to her earlier today and she had this to say:

“I’d rather not be a tennis mother, but Umar is only 25 years old, or 19 in Pakistan cricket language, and he needs guidance. However, I followed the Mitchell Johnson Oedipus story closely and realised that by telling Umar to pull out I would be ruining the spirit of the Pakistani team, so I retracted my earlier request.  Test cricket is really cool, and I hope Pakistan kick Ricky Ponting’s hairy arms all around the wicket.”

Kamran’s father refused to comment, as he doesn’t know much about test cricket and is concentrating on his career as a senior model.

For what it is worth Kamran still believes he will play in the final test. He has been watching a lot of films about Proms in America where the story has it that the main awkward dude turns up on the girl’s door only to find out she has always agreed to go to the prom with the more popular, but hardly seen, jock guy.  In those films even though the dude is embarrassed his Prom night usually rocks, and mostly that girl (or a really cooler one) ends up with him.