Tag Archives: jesus

The Jesus XI

Happy Jesus on a stick day. A day that is all about honouring someone who died so that we can all be perverts and animals, but you can’t eat steak, in case some is made of him.

In honour of Jesus dying I’ve compiled an XI of players who died, and were then reborn, or you know, other Christian type shit. Jesus, as we all know, was a wicket keeper.

S Katich – Found himself in a cricket career cave due to some horrific test form, but then his God, Bob Simpson, helped him, and thankfully we now have Katich shuttling around the crease for days on end.

M Sinclair – Impossible as it is to enjoy the way he plays, Sinclair is the one cricketer most likely to survive Sodom and Gomorrah. When the Kiwis are having a selectorial apocalypse, it is Sinclair they turn to. He will always live with us.

I Bell – If Bell truly was the son of God, Christianity would have died out by now. Instead Bell seems ordained by some higher power, perhaps Murdoch, to play the number 3 position for England. He coveted it while he had to wait out Pestilence (Shah), War (Bopara) and Famine (Trott) but he found his way back to number three.

M Hussey – Has never left heavenly earth, but what exactly was he doing between the age of 12 and 30.

K Pietersen – An outcast with his old religion he became the father, son and holy bail of a new one. It still hasn’t been smooth sailing, but he no longer has to bowl off spin, so that is good.

K Akmal – Crucified on the pitch for one of the most heretical displays of wicket keeping ever written about. But he will be back, you can’t keep a Pakistani cricketer away for too long. Even if he comes back as a kolpak.

A Flintoffas was written.

N Hauritz – Outbowled by M Clarke and then shunned by his country, his state, and his knew state. One day four wise men decided to pick him up from the gutter he found himself in, and bugger me if he hasn’t stayed around since then.

S Bond – Needed to go on a spiritual adventure to India so that one day he could come back to New Zealand and tell them he was available for white ball games and then continued his spiritual adventure in India.

A Mendis – The man is full of mystery, but once you work it out, it is all kind of simple and you don’t really care anymore.

A Nehra – From a world cup final to the great abyss, but thanks to Lalit K, Nehra has been brought back so that we can all pray at his long limbs and permanent angry face.

J Patel (12th) – Is so good at being 12th man I couldn’t see why he wouldn’t do it for Jesus.

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reasons why nathan hauritz shouldn’t play for australia

He has clearly gone over as an embedded journalist.

Off spin is an art; it is not an extra curricula activity.

To be a finger spinner in this modern world you need any, or all, of the following: a doosra, a bent arm, a massive chin, the ability to grow facial hair at an alarming rate, height of over 6’6, be wristy.

Australia doesn’t really like off spinners.

Shane Warne could use him as floss.

He still gets out bowled by Greg Matthews.

The Ashes is not open mic night.

There is still time to get Tim May a shirt that fits him.

Less than 25% of the wickets taken at Cardiff this year have been from spinners.

Australia aren’t playing Wales.

There are already three blokes in the team that bowl better spin than him.

Shane Watson could take up spin bowling.

Ricky Ponting may not bowl him anyway.

Australia has a proud history of spin.

Ben Hilfenhaus is like way cooler.

Matthew 24:3-31 As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us,” they said, “when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?”  Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. Or many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Christ,’ and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumours of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places and a former Queensland club spinner from NSWales shall bowl in an ashes test outside of Australia and England.”

Bryce McGain will be sad.

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the late night chat

Matty sleeps in his bed, beside him is his Andrew Symond’s approved wife.

A large beam of unexplainable light wakes him, but not the little lady.

matty tries to adjust his eyes to it, but it is just too bright, eventually a shadowy figure emerges, he cannot see a face, but the profile is familiar.

It is one he has seen in every church he has ever been in.

Matty: Jesus?

Jesus: That’s me.

Matty is instantly calmed by the dulcet tones, which leads him to believe this must be Jesus.

Matty: Why are you here?

Jesus: I came to talk to you about your career, your legacy, and your future.

Matty sits up in the bed.

Matty: Oh thank you, I did it all in your name.

Jesus stretches his neck a little at this.

Jesus: Yesssss, that is the problem, you see people do a lot of things in my name, murder doctors, start wars, ignore the genius of Nine Inch Nails, and hate gays, even the entreating ones, and I let it all go through to the keeper.

Matty nods.

Jesus: The thing is, none of that really bothers me, but your behaviour, the bullying, the sledging, the cookbooks, and the righteousness really pissed me off.

Matty: But I just wanted to win cricket games, and sell some books.

Jesus: I know man, don’t get me wrong, you are successful; it’s just that a lot of people don’t like you, and you say you like me.

Matty: I just played hard, but fair.

Jesus pauses, and lets out a small sigh.

Jesus: Obnoxious weed, all that Graeme Smith stuff, Zimbabwe, appearing on Stuey’s show, that was pretty embarrassing to me.

Matty: That wasn’t just me; Harbhajan is an obnoxious weed, why aren’t you speaking to him.

Jesus: He is out of my jurisdiction. Anyway this is about anyone else, this is about you, and a way you can save my name and redeem yourself.

Matty looks confused.

Matty: o….k

Jesus: It’s like this; I’d like you to come out against sledging.

Matty: No way.

Jesus: Way.

Matty is quiet for a minute, and then shakes his head a little.

Matty: I don’t think I can do that.

Jesus: Fair enough, its not like I am your lord and saviour or anything, I didn’t die for your sins now, or anything like that.

Matty holds up his hand.

Matty: Ok ok, it is just that this sounds a bit Un-Australian to me.

Jesus: It is Un-Australian.

Matty: Well I am Australian, and it is hard to go against my own people.

Jesus: Yes, yes, but I am Jesus, I mean for fucks sake, man, Jesus.

Matty holds up his bad in the style of the international “my bad” way.

Matty: You’re right.

Jesus: So it’s a deal.

Matty nods.

Jesus: Shake on it.

Matty and Jesus both lean in for the handshake, and for the first time Matty can get a good look at Jesus’ face.

Matty: You’re not white.

Jesus: I never said I was.

Matty: Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend; it’s just that I thought you would be.

Jesus: Your mistake.

Matty: Where are you from?

Jesus puts on a shit eating grin.

Jesus: I’m the Son of God, remember, it’s in the books.

Matty: Yeah but what race are you, like where was your mum from?

Jesus: India.

Matty: No fucken way.

Jesus: Way.

Matty just sites there shaking.

Jesus: Bet you feel like a dickhead now, dontcha?

Matty: My whole life, my life, my whole life….

Jesus laughs at Matty, and then turns to leave the room.

Jesus: Jeez I love my job.

And Jesus was gone.

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Pick your jesus

It’s the easter weekend, which is the one where Christians remember the time when Jesus died and came back as a scary as bunny.

So your task this easter is to pick your own Jesus, personal or not.

Last year it was the Krab katich.

The contestants are former cricketers who are hell bent of being reborn in a cave and coming back as a bunny.

This year you can pick from two.

One has dodgy knees, cried, quit the captaincy, couldn’t buy a run in 08, and can fix all the problems of english cricket.

The other has dodgy knees, antisocial tendencies, enjoys drinking and fishing, fights with his team mates, and has spent alot of time on couches this year.

Who is your Jesus, Michael Vaughan or Andrew Symonds.

You need to work out what sort of Jesus you want, if you want the holier than thou class jesus, MPV is your man.

If your idea of jesus was a rebel who took no shit from no mortal, and turned water into piss, perhaps Roy is your man.

Take some time to think about it, eat some steak, and then make your decision.

I’m sorry these are the only choices, but Stephen Fleming has stayed retired.

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the easter krab

I would like to say that some of the Australian greats of yesteryear think Simon Katich should be chosen to play for Australia.

Steve Waugh was heard to mumble, Simon Katich should be playing for Australia.

But importantly he didn’t say, in cricket.

Allan Border said he can do no more.

I agree he can do know more, he is a krab, and krabs can only do so much.

Katich is an enigma, because if you had a shoe big enough you would crush him.

And you would be right to do so.

There must be something wrong with me, as all the experts see this man as someone who has restructured his game and is ready for test cricket.

I see him as the same useless mother fu©ker who crabbed his way across the crease and cost us an ashes and generally made my life miserable.

Even when he made more runs the Moses this year, I still just saw the same Krab with no talent pissing me off.

Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I doubt it, its probably Katich’s fault.

But there is an important point to the story on Katich.

Like katich, Jesus was crucified.

Jesus because he was too handsome and white to be from the middle east, and katich because he couldn’t make any runs.

Then they were forgotten about.

People got on with their lives, and then one day some smart @ss checks behind a stone and Jesus was resurrected, IE, his body was missing.

It’s similar for katich, most of us thought we had killed the fu©ker and then someone one checks the scores for New South Wales, and suddenly his career was resurrected, IE, his previous sh1t form was forgotten.

So all I ask of you is this good Friday is to eat a steak, and eat a krab, let’s keep our long weekend resurrection free.

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they’re both right

Let’s just start this properly.

Harbhajan Singh is an obnoxious weed (little or otherwise).

Matthew Hayden is one of the most disliked figures in the game (the word pr1ck comes to mind).

So they are both right.

I don’t think there are many non Indian fans that think Harbhajan is a good bloke, he is a sh1t stirrer and a mouth, and if he played a contact sport, he would be regularly taken down.

Hayden is well known for being a smug flat track bully (although he’s pretty good on most tracks) who sledges like a retarded toddler. Yet again outside of Australia, especially in the republique, he is not well loved.

Both of these men are religious guys.

Now I’m not in any way saying this is what makes them both pricks, but….

Harbhajan is a Sikh, and shares the name of one another Sikh, Harbhajan Singh Yogi.

Now I’ve always liked Sikhs, but I like swords. Not enough religions have swords. And this Yogi fellow seems pretty cool, he was against nuclear bombs, was for inter faith togetherness, and liked yoga.

Cricket’s Harbhajan Singh, has never spoken up on nuclear war, has not performed inter faith work in Atlanta and has not started any major yoga groups.

Matthew Hayden likes Jesus, or as he calls him, Christ.

In this interview, he says, “I ask myself what would Christ be doing in this situation?”.

My question to you Haydos is, would Jesus have gone on radio and said, “”It’s been a bit of a long battle with Harbhajan. The first time I met him, he was the same little obnoxious weed that he is now.”

Since I believe in Jesus as much as I believe in Santa, it is hard for me to know, so I went to askmoses.com and asked them. But Moses wanted to talk about Jesus not being the messiah.

Then I went to ask-jesus.org, but Jesus has a crap website, so that didn’t work either.

I guess questions like this are not mean to be answered.

But if you want the truth about existence go to rael.org.

If you just want guidance, do what I do.

WWGD.

What Would Gilly Do?

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what would matt hayden do?

Matt Hayden loves three things, cooking, boxing day tests and Jesus.

The first one involves something I have absolutely no interest in.

The second one I have already talked about ad nausea.

And the third is some dead dude who disappeared from a cave.

The second and third ones do have some connection, being that Boxing day comes after the day a best selling book claims Jesus was born.

Does the most Christian day of the year inspire Matt Hayden into dominating the G like only Don Bradman has before?

Or.

Does Matthew Hayden, part time chef, photographer and cricketer actually see himself as the son of god reborn?

The G is generally not the easiest wicket to bat on in Australia.

The drop in pitches are odd, to say the least, some days you’d be better off playing with a tennis racquet, it generally has a split personality, Dean Jones makes the same joke every year “the only driving you should do at the G on the first day, is on the way to the ground” and medium pacers are often unplayable on it.

So my question to you is, would jesus have been a back or front foot player?, being that we have already worked out he was a wicket keeper (problems with his hands in his later years).

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